Weekend At Burnsies

Homer:D'oh!

Bart:Same old garbage

Homer:This guy's always on!

Bart · Lisa · Bart:This corn doesn't look so big. / That's baby corn. / What?

Homer:They're all grown by the vegetable division of Union Carbide

Bart:Mom, my potato is eating a carrot!

Marge:I've tried heckling them. I've tried jeckling them.

Marge:"... in God, the Father Almighty Creator of heaven and earth... " Shoo! Shoo!

Marge:"Heaven and earth... " Where were we? Now I'm lost.

Marge:Yeah, I did it! Marge is in the house!

Marge:I will be soon. Because it needs some cleaning!

Homer:I'll regroup at Red Lobster.

Homer:You ain't pretty no more!

Moe:This ain't no crow bar! This is a crow bar! See? They got the little stools and everything.

Moe:That's Russell Crow, Cameron Crow, Crow Diddley, Hume Crow-nyn, Gregory Peck.

Homer:It's a murder, honey. A group of crows is called a murder.

Homer:Drop it in! Don't cram it in! Forget it! I'll do it myself.

Homer:That is not a worm!

Dr. Hibbert:They weren't trying to blind you. They were just trying to drink your sweet, sweet eye juices.

Homer:Does it go in the butt?

Dr. Hibbert:Prescription pot. Texas THC.

Dr. Hibbert:Homer, for your eyes, the best tonic is chronic.

Otto:Uh-oh. Crotch the weed, man.

Homer:For me, the '60s ended that day in 1978.

Homer · Dr. Hibbert:But isn't marijuana, or "dope," illegal? / Only for those who enjoy it.

Dr. Hibbert:Do you want the wizard or the skull?

Homer:"Caution, objects may appear more edible than they actually are."

Homer:They burned down the gambling house / It died with an awful sound

Homer:I am hungry for a candy bar / I think I'll eat a Mounds

Marge:And now I'm guilty of possession! I could go to prison unless I testify against you.

Homer:I could walk up to the president and blow smoke in his stupid, monkey face! And he'd just have to sit there grooving on it.

Homer:Marge, I just realized I am the "ow" in the word "now."

Homer:Hey, it's me. I've got Marge on the other line and she is totally bumming me out.

Homer:Daddy's special medicine, which you must never use because it will ruin your life, lets Daddy see and hear magical things you will never experience.

Lisa:Dad, it's 1:00 a.m. and I'm out of saliva!

Homer:This dude does the best Flanders! You got the mustache and the "diddily!"

Homer:"Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it?"

Ned:Well, sir, of course he could. But then again, wow, as melon-scratchers go, that's a honey-doodle.

Ned · Homer:All right, Simpson, you're under arrest, see? / I said Wiggum!

Mr. Burns:"And so, potential investors, I hope you don't think our IPO is an IPU."

Mr. Burns · Smithers:I told you, I pissed it away! Don't make that face. / Yes, that's the one.

Homer:Oops! I thought this was the can, man.

Homer:Working hard or hardly working?

Mr. Burns:No, Smithers. I would've said anything to get your stem cells.

Homer:You're covered with a very fine fuzz.

Homer:I just got promoted, and it's all thanks to "Yes-I-cannabis!"

Moe:You mutton heads! This is why we can never hold down a job.

Otto · Otto:Hey, "Shemp" is "hemp" spelled backwards. / And "Otto" is "Otto" backwards!

Homer · Otto:Marge, I'm gonna need 10,000 veggie burritos! / No guac in mine.

Otto:Dude, your mom is hot.

Phish member · Homer:Whoa! This guy is seriously ill. / My doctor never told me that. I had to hear it from Phish.

Homer:My doctor never told me that. I had to hear it from Phish.

Rally speaker:And now, a man who's a real pothead. I'm sorry. 'Pothead.'

Homer:Whether you suffer from glaucoma or you just rented The Matrix, medical marijuana can make things fabulous, medically.

Homer · Otto:Oh, man! They already voted! And we lost! / Oh, man! I can't believe we spaced on the date!

Otto:Well, we can't just stand here staring at our hands, although... Wow!

Otto:They call them fingers, but I never see them fing. Oh, there they go.

Homer:I could've smoked that pot and worn that hair.

Lisa:You know, I'm not really sure what I want.

Bart · Homer:As long as you're doing things for me, would you tie up your bathrobe when you walk around the house? / Never!

Otto · Homer · Otto:Remember when I dropped my keys and you thought the phone was ringing? / Yeah. / Get out.

Homer:Going cold turkey isn't as delicious as it sounds.

Barney · Homer:Yeah. But at the planning party, I got alcohol poisoning. I nearly died. / I was already making excuses not to go to your funeral.

Homer · Lisa:My sperm count is up, and I'm able to recognize simple shapes and patterns. / Dad, you just said that three minutes ago.

Homer:Unregardless, I will no longer be a slave to this!

Mr. Burns:I'll either tickle your ribs or feed them to my dogs!

Mr. Burns:What do you take me for? Lorenzo de' Medici?

Mr. Burns:You know, Louise Brooks, the silent star of Lulu.

Homer:This stuff can make anything funny, even that show that follows Friends.

Smithers:This suit used to belong to Judy Garland. We could sing a song if you don't mind being Mickey Rooney.

Homer:You mean that guy on 60 Minutes who yells all the time?

Smithers:Sixty minutes? Oh, my God! Mr. Burns has been in the tub for an hour!

Smithers:Oh, Mr. Burns! You were too beautiful for this world.

Homer · Homer:Oh, man. Oh, man. We killed Mr. Burns! / Mr. Burns is gonna be so mad!

Smithers:Michael Eisner's been dead for five years. Ted Turner's just a hologram.

Bill Clinton:"It depends on what the meaning of 'was' is, jerk!"

Announcer:He's Jimmy Carter with a Fox attitude!

Homer:It's true we're losing money. But there's no reason we can't dance, dance, dance the night away!

Mr. Burns:Those strings pulling me every which way jostled my heart from its slumber.

Mr. Burns:Oh, and you didn't? Well, the worm has finally shown its fangs!

Mr. Burns · Mr. Burns:Smithers, make me slap him! / You call that a slap? Make me slap you. / Now, both. / Now, just you. / Now, give me a taste. / Now, both again. / Now, all three.