Bart catches a three-eyed fish in a river downstream of the Nuclear Power Plant. This causes the plant to become inspected, and in order to prevent it from being shut down, Mr. Burns decides to run for governor. After a hard campaign which sees Burns rise from being universally despised to running neck and neck with popular incumbent Mary Bailey, it is decided that Burns will have dinner with a random employee the night before the election. Homer is chosen, much to Marge's chagrin.
Political satire peaks at 84.5 with a mutant fish joke anchoring the entire plot.
Directed by Wes Archer · Written by John Swartzwelder, Sam Simon
WAR
61.2
Wins Above Replacement
“Two Cars In Every Garage And Three Eyes ” ranks #62 of 552 The Simpsons episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 84.5 — Elite. The episode packs 58 scored jokes at 3.6 per minute, averaging 7.2 on craft and 7.0 on impact, with Mr. Burns landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Mr. Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes cost me the election, but if I had them killed, I'd be the one to go to jail. That's democracy
Mr. Burns Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Bart: God, we paid for all this ourselves, so thanks for nothing
Bart Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Mr. Burns · Advisor: Why are my teeth showing like that? / Because you're smiling! / Excellent!
Reporter: Here's your headline, 'Burns Can't Swallow Own Story'
Reporter Wordplay/Pun Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Mr. Burns: She's right. Take me home, Smithers. We'll destroy something tasteful
All Jokes — 58 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Bart: I feel tranquility outweighs catching fish and use nothing
Bart Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Bart: Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
Bart Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Bart: Well, this is my day, and we do, sir
Bart Character Comedy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Bart Visual Gag Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Moe: Getting Washington and Lincoln's birthdays as separate holidays
Moe Character Comedy Observational Unknown worker · Moe: Keep the mutants coming! / I'll mutant you
Homer: Thanks for taking all the fancies, guys! Why can't I ever get here on time?
Mr. Burns: Hold me, Smithers
Inspector · Mr. Burns: Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower. / I'm as shocked as you
Mr. Burns: Yeah, well, that's always been like that
Mr. Burns Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Homer · Mr. Burns: Just resting my eyes! / Well done. A rested employee is a vigilant employee
Mr. Burns: Some careless person has left thousands of dollars just lying here on my table
Inspector: The money and a stupid man are still here
Inspector Setup/Punchline Deadpan/Understatement Mr. Burns: Take it! Take it, you poor schmo!
Smithers · Mr. Burns: Approximately $56 million. / 56 million?! / Don't hit me, sir
Mr. Burns: Oh, that I had the strength to
Mr. Burns Character Comedy Physical/Slapstick ★ Rewatch Homer: Just resting my eyes!
Homer Running Gag Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Homer Physical/Slapstick Absurdist Mr. Burns: You and I are a dying breed
Homer Character Comedy Reaction Beat Homer: Well, nobody's perfect
Homer Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Homer: Don't get me wrong. You're an honest man. I just meant you could afford to run for governor
Homer Character Comedy Escalation Homer: If you were governor, you could decide what's safe
Homer Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Mr. Burns · Homer: To create a new and better world. / If it's on the way, could you drop me at my house?
Homer: A political discussion at our table. I feel like a Kennedy!
Homer Character Comedy Observational Mr. Burns · Advisor: Why are my teeth showing like that? / Because you're smiling! / Excellent!
Mr. Burns: This is the kind of trickery I'm paying you for
Mr. Burns: I hate that fish!
Barney: Oh, no! An election? That's when they close the bars, isn't it?
Barney Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch Homer: I bet before the papers blew this out of proportion, you didn't even know how many eyes a fish had
Homer Character Comedy Observational Mr. Burns: When this announcement's done, every Johnny Lunch-pail in this state will be eating out of my hand
Narrator: Actor portraying Charles Darwin
Narrator Absurdist Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Fake Darwin: It may be a kind of super-fish. I wouldn't mind a third eye, would you?
Mr. Burns: They'd probably blame his ridiculous nose on the nuclear bogeyman
Jingle singer: Only a moron wouldn't cast his vote For Monty Burns
Barney · Moe · Abe: Wow! Super-fish! / I wish the government would get off his back / That Burns is just what this state needs, young blood!
Advisor · Mr. Burns: Congratulations, Mr. Burns, the polls show you're up six points. / Giving me a total of? / Six
Advisor · Investigator · Advisor: And? / He felt her up. / Not good enough!
Advisor · Mr. Burns: The voters see you as godlike. / Hot dog!
Mr. Burns: Every Joe Meatball and Sally Housecoat in this godforsaken state will see me chow down with Eddie Punchclock
Mr. Burns Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Campaign advisor: Can you memorize this? 'Your campaign's moving like a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular?'
Lisa: Can I ask him to assuage my fears that he's contaminating the planet and making it uninhabitable?
Lisa Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Campaign advisor: Finally, Mr. Burns wants you to appear very affectionate to him, but remember, he hates being touched
Marge · Homer: You don't let me express myself. / You express yourself in the home you keep and the food you serve
Campaign manager: We're eating with the common man, not Tyrone Power.
Mr. Burns: And look, I've brought noodle kugel.
Mr. Burns: I love dogs. Babies too.
Mr. Burns Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Bart: God, we paid for all this ourselves, so thanks for nothing
Bart Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Mr. Burns: Only a child could get away with such blasphemy. God bless them all. Amen.
Lisa · Marge: Oh, Mom, that felt awful. / I'm sorry. It will all be over soon. / But we've become the tools of evil
Campaign staff: I don't believe it! / He's blown it! / Ruined before it hit the ground
Reporter: Here's your headline, 'Burns Can't Swallow Own Story'
Reporter Wordplay/Pun Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Mr. Burns: You can't do this to me! I'm Charles Montgomery Burns!
Smithers: I hardly see what destroying our meager possessions will accomplish
Smithers Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Mr. Burns: She's right. Take me home, Smithers. We'll destroy something tasteful
Mr. Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes cost me the election, but if I had them killed, I'd be the one to go to jail. That's democracy
Mr. Burns Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Mr. Burns: Simpson, I shall make it the focus of my remaining years that your dreams will go unfulfilled
Marge: When a man's biggest dreams include seconds on dessert, occasional snuggling and sleeping in on weekends, no one man can destroy them
Marge Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch Top Episodes — The Simpsons