Bart Carny

Homer:D'oh!

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Marge:You know, if you want to train an animal, you have to be firm and consistent with your commands.

Homer:Yeah, yeah, I got it. Firm and consistent.

Marge:And you have to follow through with discipline when they misbehave.

Homer:Uh-huh, follow through with discipline...

Marge:In fact, that's how you should raise children too.

Homer:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Now you're just getting crazy!

Homer:Yes, your majesty. Would you like me to draw you a bath? Fetch you a towel? Polish your throne?

Marge:We really need to clean up this backyard.

Ned:Well, howdy-diddly-do, Marge! I'd be happy to help you spruce things up!

Snake:Yo, dude!

Ned:Ahhhhh! Oh, mercy!

Bart:Dad, it's allowance day!

Lisa:We've been waiting all week!

Homer:Allowance? I don't even get an allowance. Why should you?

Marge:Kids, I want you to clean up the yard right now.

Bart:We'll take it under advisement.

Lisa:Yeah, we'll circle back on that.

Homer:No one will see me back here.

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Bart:I could fake my own death.

Homer:That's not a bad idea.

Bart:Wait, really?

Homer:No, no, I was thinking of something else.

Bart:Hey Lisa, chop off my hands.

Lisa:But Bart, if I chop off your hands, how will you chop off mine?

Bart:Wait, I got it! What if I just chop off, like, half my hand?

Homer:Son, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Bart:But Dad, think about it! I'd still have four fingers and a thumb on the other hand!

Marge:Bart, no.

Marge:Bart, aren't you supposed to be working outside?

Bart:I was, but I realized something.

Bart:I'm lazy.

Bart:I'm quitting because I've decided to pursue my own interests and find my own path in life.

Lisa:He's lazy.

Marge:If you don't behave, we're cutting off your allowance!

Bart:Wait, we get an allowance?

Lisa:I thought Mom and Dad just gave us money whenever we asked.

Homer:Kids, your mother's right. You want money, you gotta work for it.

Marge:Thank you, Homer.

Homer:But guess what? The carnival is in town! Who wants to go on the Gravitron?

Bart:Dad, you just said—

Homer:I'll pay for everything! Cotton candy, funnel cakes, those ring toss games where you can't win!

Marge:Homer!

Bart:Wow, check it out! They've got a dunk tank!

Lisa:You should do it, Bart. It looks fun.

Bart:Are you kidding? I'm not cleaning anything!

Homer:But son, you love getting dunked in water.

Bart:Yeah, but only when I get paid for it!

Bart:Can we get Yard Work Simulator?

Marge:Absolutely not, Bart. You need to go outside and do real yard wo— wait a minute.

Homer:Heart condition? Pfft. Doctors don't know anything. I feel fine.

Marge:Homer, the doctor said you could have a heart attack at any moment.

Homer:That's what he wants me to think! It's a conspiracy to sell more... heart pills or whatever.

Dr. Hibbert:Mr. Simpson, your cholesterol is 300. Your blood pressure is dangerously high.

Homer:Yeah, yeah, I heard you the first time. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a donut with my name on it. Literally. I wrote it in crayon.

Homer:I don't have a heart condition! I'm in perfect health!

Marge:Homer, you just had open heart surgery yesterday.

Homer:That was just a routine checkup, Marge.

Dr. Hibbert:Mr. Simpson, I removed three arteries and replaced your heart with a solid block of bacon.

Homer:See? Perfectly routine.

Marge:Homer, do you remember your surgery?

Homer:Remember it? I was there the whole time.

Marge:This carnival is seedy and dangerous!

Cooder:Lady, I've been called worse things by better people.

Homer:Carnies are a noble tradition of builders!

Lenny:Yeah, they built the carnival part.

Homer:You know, for a bunch of guys who look like rats, you're all right. You're kings among men.

Carny:Your epidermis is showing.

Homer:Oh, thank you!

Crowd:Woohoo! Ahhhhh!

Homer:My heart! My heart!

Carny:Frightmarestein!

Homer:What is this place? It's terrifying!

Barker:Welcome to the most frightening attraction in Springfield!

Homer:I'm not going in there!

Barker:Don't worry, it's completely safe.

Homer:Well, okay then.

Tape Recorder:BEWARE... BEWARE... BEWARE...

Homer:Ahhhhh! What is that horrible sound?!

Barker:That's just a tape recorder on loop.

Homer:A tape recorder? That's it? I paid money for this?

Bart:Ay caramba... that's it?

Vampire:I vant your blood

Homer:Is this thing broken? Or is it just cheap?

Lisa:This haunted house is just a bunch of random, disconnected scares with no narrative coherence or artistic merit whatsoever.

Dunk Tank Victim:Why does it always happen in that exact same spot?

Dunk Tank Victim:Wait, I'm wondering about the spot...

Dunk Tank Victim:Oh no!

Carny:Step right up, step right up! Come see the amazing saw-top!

Bart:Saw-top?

Carny:Yeah, your hair, kid. It's like a saw.

Homer:Wow, a ring toss game! I'm gonna win that big prize!

Carny:Step right up! Three rings for a dollar!

Homer:Here goes nothing!

Homer:Ah, I knew it was rigged.

Carny:Hey kid, you look disappointed. Here, take a prize anyway.

Bart:Really? Thanks, mister!

Carny:Don't mention it. Your old man gave it his best shot.

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Well son, I'm still very proud of you.

Bart:Even though all I won was this lousy comb?

Homer:Even though you won a lousy comb. Now let's go home and I'll comb your hair real nice.

Carny:Yeah, and it's got that new car smell!

Lisa:That's not a car, that's a Eurotrific automobile!

Carny:Too busy to check if it's Hitler's remains or just a tire

Bart:Wow, a sunroof! Hitler must have had one of these.

Homer:Of course he did. Look at all these buttons. This one probably launched missiles.

Bart:Cool!

Bart:Eat my shorts, fool! I'm driving now!

Homer:Bart, get out of the driver's seat!

Bart:Nobody tells Bart Simpson what to do. I am the master of this vehicle!

Marge:Homer, do something!

Bart:Mwahahaha! Behold my driving skills. I am the ultimate power!

Bart:I crashed the car.

Carny:Oh, so now everybody's against me. First it was Hitler, now it's you!

Carny:Step right up, step right up! Feast your eyes on the main attraction — Adolf Hitler's personal Mercedes-Benz!

Side Show Performer:Great. I've been replaced by a car.

Carny:Hey, kid, got any money?

Bart:No.

Carny:Well, come back when you do.

Homer:Hey, leave the kid alone. Can't you see he's poor? Look at his shoes — they're held together with hope and string.

Cooder:You ain't gonna cause no trouble, are ya?

Lisa:Oh, you can count on it.

Marge:Oh my stars, they had the most wonderful corn dogs at the carnival!

Homer:If you kids don't finish your vegetables, no dessert!

Bart:But Dad, we didn't finish our ice cream from yesterday.

Homer:Well then, no dessert for a week!

Carny:Hey, it's a fair game, pal. See this stick? It's perfectly balanced.

Homer:Really?

Carny:No.

Cooder:I didn't scam anyone.

Cooder:Here, let me show you how I did it.

Lisa:This is disgusting! What are you doing?

Homer:Making a sandwich. Why?

Lisa:You're putting mayonnaise on a donut!

Homer:Exactly. That way, no one will steal it.

Cooder:See, the key to running a successful carnival game is knowing when to let a customer win. It builds trust, see? They think they got a fair shake, they come back with their friends.

Homer:Let them win... let them win...

Cooder:That's right.

Homer:Let them win, let them win, let them win...

Bart:Dad, what kind of jobs do they have at the carnival?

Homer:Well, there's the usual stuff - cotton candy vendor, ring toss operator, Ferris wheel attendant...

Bart:What else?

Homer:Oh, you could work at the adult section... or maybe as a carny... or a human cannonball... or one of the freaks in the freak show.

Bart:Dude, I've figured it out. The smaller you are, the more times you have to go to the bathroom.

Bart:That's why babies wear diapers – they're going like every five seconds.

Carny:Yeah, we got this guy, he swallows the sword, and then he regurgitates it, and then he swallows it again.

Homer:Wow!

Carny:Yeah, it's real crowd-pleaser.

Homer:Mmm... chicken head.

Bart:Dad, why are you eating the head?

Homer:Because Bart, the head is the best part. It's got the brain, the eyes, the beak...

Bart:But you hate chicken heads.

Homer:Do I? I honestly can't remember anymore. I just know I love eating them and I hate them at the same time. Why must life be so confusing?

Homer:Lucky! That chicken is lucky!

Homer:He still has his head!

Cooder:See, the rings are just a little bit too small, and the bottles are just a little bit too big. So even if you get a ringer, it'll just bounce right off.

Cooder:That's how we make our money.

Cooder:Well, back in my day, we called a pretty girl a 'bearcat' and a hottie was a 'ritzy-twitzy.'

Bart:Oh yeah? Well that's the bee's knees, the cat's pajamas, and the dog's eyebrows!

Homer:Wait, so you're telling me the carnival just gives out weapons to anyone?

Cooder:Well, it's cheaper than explaining our safety policies.

Homer:Step right up, step right up! Come see the amazing, the incredible, the... uh... the thing! It's got... stuff. And it does... things. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll wonder why you paid money for this.

Carny:A rube is a customer, a mark is a sucker, and a grifter is a con artist.

Bart:Hey, look at all the rubes and marks!

Homer:Hey!

Bart:Eat my shorts, man. That's what all the cool kids said back in the day!

Homer:Hey there, buddy! Come on in! We got great deals!

Customer:What do you call this place?

Homer:Homer's Erotic Bakery.

Customer:Erotic? That's... that's not appropriate for a bakery.

Homer:What? It means we really love what we do! Now, are you gonna buy something or keep standing there with your wife?

Customer:This is my husband.

Homer:Yeah, that's what I said.

Skinner:Homer, isn't it true that you've been fixing the lottery drawings?

Homer:Well, yes, but I prefer to think of it as 'creatively interpreting' the rules.

Skinner:That's just corruption!

Homer:Corruption? I'm not corrupt. I'm just a guy who found a loophole and decided to profit from it. Isn't that the American dream?

Agnes:Seymour, you're a grown man who still lives with his mother. You've never had a girlfriend, you wear clip-on ties, and you cry at greeting card commercials. The only thing you've won in your life is this stuffed animal, and that's because I felt sorry for you. Now go to bed without supper.

Homer:Wishing my family didn't exist so I could enjoy the carnival.

Bart:Okay, check this out. You throw a ball at a clown, but the clown keeps moving, so you can never hit it. And if you do hit it, the clown wins a prize.

Lisa:That's just life, Bart.

Homer:You're darn right it's crooked. I'm the one who makes it crooked!

Chief Wiggum:So, Homer, how about you help me out with a little... 'donuts'?

Homer:Donuts? They're called doughnuts, Chief.

Wiggum:You see, Homer, when I wink like this, it means I'm open to a bribe.

Wiggum:And when I say 'Mr. Bribe,' that's code for bribe.

Homer:Chief, you're not being very subtle.

Wiggum:That's the point! Now, Mr. Bribe, if you catch my drift.

Cooder:Why didn't you bribe the cops?

Homer:I didn't get a chance!

Fantastic Dan:Well, you see, we have a very strict occupancy limit. The mole can only be hit so many times before we have to let it rest.

Homer Simpson:But there's a guy living in there!

Fantastic Dan:Yes, well, he knew what he was signing up for.

Homer:At least you guys still have each other. That's more than I can say for most people living in trailers.

Homer:You know, when you've hit rock bottom, the only way is up. And you carnies? You're my inspiration.

Marge:*nervous gulp and eye twitch*

Cooder:Well, I'll be! They got themselves a fine collection of carnival prizes! That big-eyed cat in the window, them stuffed animals on the bed... shoot, they must be real good at them ring toss games!

Cooder:Well, hello there, little lady. You sure are pretty.

Lisa:Ew! Get away from me, you creep!

Marge:How long do you think the carnies will stay in town?

Homer:Well, Marge, with the way the economy's going, I'd say they'll be here for at least another week. Maybe two if business is good.

Homer:Well, I've got a hump on my back, I'm missing three fingers, and I once ate a guy's arm in a drunken stupor.

Carny:You're hired!

Cooder:Our family came over on the Mayflower.

Homer:You're a stowaway?

Cooder:In the storage hold, yeah. We was hiding from the Pilgrims.

Bart:Hey Mom, I love you so much. Give me a hug.

Marge:Aww, Bart! That's so sweet.

Bart:Thanks for the wallet, by the way.

Cooder:I'll take you all on a glass-bottom boat ride as repayment for your kindness.

Homer:See? I told you carnies were honest people!

Marge:Homer, they just rigged the entire fair.

Homer:Yeah, but they did it WITH INTEGRITY!

Tour Guide:And here we have the wreck of the USS Constitution, sunk in 1797.

Boat Captain:Yeah, we had another ship go down just last week. Lost 47 hands.

Tour Guide:That's terrible!

Boat Captain:Eh, they were mostly from the deli counter anyway.

Bart:The Cooders are the coolest family in Springfield. They've got it all - great house, nice car, perfect family dinners every night.

Homer:Well, we try to be like the Cooders too.

Bart:Yeah, right Dad. You could never be like them.

Marge:Why not, Bart?

Bart:Because the Cooders don't bring home random homeless guys for dinner every other night.

Homer:Why is our house all boarded up?

Marge:Homer, you promised you'd fix it after the last incident.

Bart:Dude, did we get robbed or something?

Lisa:Actually, according to city ordinances, this appears to be a condemned property.

Homer:Condemned? But I paid the mortgage... last year!

Cooder:What's your address?

Homer:742 Evergreen Terrace.

Cooder:What's your mother's maiden name?

Marge:Bouvier.

Cooder:What's the name of your first pet?

Lisa:Snowball.

Cooder:Thanks for helping us steal your identity!

Homer:You guys are a bunch of liars! You said if I gave you my money, you'd give me a stuffed animal!

Carny:We lied.

Homer:But you can't! We have a code! Carnies honor their agreements with customers!

Carny:No we don't.

Cooder:You know, there's an unwritten law among carnies. You don't ask questions about another carny's past.

Spud:Yeah, and you never, ever trust a man in a turban.

Cooder:What about a man in a straw hat?

Homer:I got it. Carny code. I respect that.

Cooder:You ain't no real carny, Homer.

Spud:Yeah, real carnies know better than to ask where the Tilt-A-Whirl came from.

Cooder:Or who's really running the Ring Toss.

Homer:I won't ask then.

Cooder:Too late, Homer. You already asked.

Homer:Chief Wiggum, I need your help. Someone stole my TV.

Chief Wiggum:A TV, huh? That'll be fifty bucks.

Homer:Fifty bucks? I don't have fifty bucks!

Chief Wiggum:Well, you should've thought of that before you didn't bribe me that time.

Homer:A lemon? What's a lemon?

Marge:Homer, it's a yellow fruit.

Homer:Yellow? But I thought those were bananas.

Lisa:Dad, bananas are different from lemons.

Homer:Well, they're both yellow and they come from trees. How should I know the difference?

Homer:You know, it's nice to see you carnies enjoying yourselves. But I gotta say, I'm a little jealous that you're having more fun at my house than I am.

Cooder:Well, that's 'cause we're simple folk. We don't need much.

Homer:Yeah, well maybe that's the problem. I got everything, and I'm still miserable.

Homer:Hey! That's my couch!

Carny:We're just borrowing it, pal.

Homer:But you're ruining the butt indentation I spent years perfecting!

Homer:Why is there a body-shaped groove in my couch? This is a work of art!

Bart:Wow, Dad! You look just like James Bond!

Homer:Eh, thanks, boy.

Bart:Yeah, James Bond... if he ate a lot of donuts and fell down a lot.

Spud:Well, we could burn the photo albums for heat.

Cooder:Yeah, or we could just freeze to death and preserve our memories.

Bart:We could burn the house down and collect the insurance money!

Homer:Bart, that's illegal and dangerous.

Bart:So? I'm willing to do it.

Marge:We're not setting the house on fire, Bart.

Bart:But Mom, what if we just used a little fire?

Homer:Those carnival guys are geniuses. They can take one look at you and tell you exactly what you're thinking.

Barker:You, sir. I'm sensing something... you've got a dull ache behind your eyes.

Homer:That's incredible! How did you know that?

Barker:Lucky guess.

Homer:See? Mind readers!

Homer:Wait a minute! I've got it! If I just use a fire extinguisher on the ring toss booth, the foam will knock all the rings right onto the bottles!

Bart:Dad, that's not how—

Homer:Shush, boy! Your old man's a genius!

Homer:Alright, I'm wagering the house on this ring toss game!

Carnival Barker:You sure about that, buddy? Nobody's ever won.

Homer:How hard can it be? I've done harder things!

Carnival Barker:Alright, you're on.

Homer:D'oh!

Marge:Homer, you can't possibly win that bet.

Bart:Yeah, Dad. You're like, the worst at everything.

Lisa:The statistical probability of your success is virtually zero.

Maggie:(sucks pacifier)

Homer:Why does everyone always doubt me?

Marge:Because you always fail, Homer.

Bart:And you're an idiot.

Lisa:A well-documented idiot.

Homer:Alright, I'm gonna throw this football over that mountain!

Cooder:You can't throw nothin' over that mountain, Homer.

Homer:Watch me!

Bart:Dad, that's impossible.

Lisa:Actually, if we calculate the trajectory and wind resistance—

Marge:Homer, maybe we could help.

Homer:You know what? That's not a bad idea!

Homer:Bart, you catch it on the other side. Lisa, you calculate. Marge, you throw with me.

Cooder:Well, I'll be.

Homer:We did it! We actually did it!

Cooder:Well, I'll be! You got me fair and square, Homer. You're a true master of the con.

Homer:Uh, thanks?

Bart:Wow, Dad actually outsmarted those carnies.

Homer:That's right, boy. Your old man's got more brains than people think.

Bart:Yeah, well, don't let it go to your head. We all know it's not gonna happen again.

Homer:Wait, wait. Don't leave me here with these people. I'll help you! I'll help you get out of here!

Carny Leader:Oh, so now you want to help us?

Homer:Well, yeah. You guys are still my friends, right?

Homer:Oh no! My couch groove! It's been ruined!

Homer:Oh no! My perfect couch groove! It took me years to get that indent just right.

Marge:Homer, it's just a couch.

Homer:Just a couch?! Marge, this is a disaster. I'm going to need to sit here for several weeks to restore it to its former glory.

Lisa:Dad, that's... actually not a terrible plan.

Homer:I know! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a very important butt-shaped project ahead of me.