Take My Wife Sleaze

Homer:D'oh! [Screams]

TV Announcer · Faceless Man:A man who holds the current record for least amount of faces, with none! Help me!

TV Announcer:You'll also see the world's smelliest tumor!

Lisa:Ew! These records used to be real accomplishments. Now they're just gross.

TV Announcer:Plus, you'll meet a dog who can't predict anything.

TV Announcer:Then three other things.

Homer:What an age we live in. Oh, look at all that Sweet'N Low!

Grandpa:I remember television!

Announcer:[Announcer] Actual year may vary, Consult calendar for current year,

Marge · Homer:Why don't we eat there tonight? - Nah. We'll go next month.

Dennis the Menace:Dennis the Menace? Yes. I was America's bad boy. I once hid my dad's hat!

Dennis the Menace:And another time, I accidentally stepped in Mr. Wilson's flower bed. That was a two-part episode.

Homer:Allen Gaines Burgers 'Un-American Cheese Sandwich'? 'Polio Dogs'?

Lisa:It's clever how the names remind you of the '50s and at the same time, tell you what there is to eat.

Homer · Lisa:I feel like I've gone back in a time machine. - Dad, they have those everywhere.

Homer:What an age we live in. [Chuckling]

Greaser Host:Oh, my throat doctor says I'm not supposed to do that anymore.

Homer:Don't try and make me. If I have to get a divorce, I will!

Host · Homer:Our grand prize tonight is a vintage 1955 Harley-Davidson motorcycle, - I need a dance partner!

Host:Well, well, well. I have never seen such reckless disregard for a wife's well-being in my life. You just won yourselves a motorcycle!

Homer:Finally I've won the respect of my fellow m- Get away from it!

Marge:Well, that dream is over. At least we still have each other. Right, honey? Honey? [Wind Blowing]

Bart · Homer:Man, you're bending the hell out of that kickstand, Dad. Why don't you just take it for a ride? - Promise you won't laugh? - Yeah, I promise. - I don't know how. - [Laughing]

Bart:You're kidding! You don't know how!

Bart:If you weren't a man And my father too I'd buy you a diamond ring And then I'd marry you

Ms. Krabappel:Today we'll be sitting quietly in the dark because teacher has a hangover. It's like a chainsaw in my head!

Homer · Principal Skinner · Students:Remember to rebel against authority, kids! - Don't listen to him, children. - We already did.

Reverend Lovejoy:The sermon today is on John 4:13. I think it was Jesus who said, 'Blessed are those'- Oh, the heck with it. Church dismissed.

Homer:Quiet, Marge. The motorcycle and I are trying to sleep.

TV Mother:He won't do his homework, he only salutes the flag with one finger and he comes home every night with other people's blood on his shirt.

Apu · Homer:Look what you've done to beautiful display! - Yeah, that's the life for me, Marge- cruisin' and hasslin' shopkeepers.

TV Character · Homer:Nothing can defeat a motorcycle gang! A gang. That's the answer.

Homer · Gang Members:This gang's for rebels, Flanders, not 'conformos.' - Yeah! - Buzz off!

Ned · Homer · Gang Members:Well, if I were a member, we could use my rumpus room as our lair. - That guy just don't get it, do he? - My rumpus room with the new bumper pool table? - Bumper pool? - I'm there.

Ned:I move we reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all, we don't want to go to hell.

Gang Member · Ned:How about the Devil's Pals? - No. You see- - Or the Christ Punchers? - The Christ- I don't think you understand my objection.

Gang Member:Whoa! 'Machine wash warm.' 'Tumble dry.' Ooh, la, la.

Chief Wiggum · Homer:'Hell's Satans,' huh? I'm watching you punks. - Can't hassle us, pig. We're goin' the speed limit. Oink, oink, oink.

Homer · Chief Wiggum:You can lock us away, but you'll never defeat the Cobras. - Cobras? I thought you were the Hell's Satans. - Uh- Oink, oink, oink!

Gang Members:He's got a broom! - Let's get outta here! - Forget the pennies! Go! Go!

Apu · Manjula:You promised me no more brooms. - I know this is not your way. But we're in America now.

Homer:Her turn-ons include thievery and liquor. Her turnoffs include underpants, pedestrians and justice.

Real Hell's Satans Leader:You stole our club name. According to our bylaws, we gotta stomp you.

Gang Member · Homer:Hey, hey! Chew with your mouth closed, please. - Sorry.

Meathook · Homer:Now you gotta eat that too! - You got anything else with our logo on it? - Caps and Frisbees, sir. - You gotta eat them too! - And some pogs.

Chief Wiggum:Forget it, Simpson. Those pig noises you made really hurt my feelings. Lookin' like a pig as I do.

Homer · Chief Wiggum:But you have so much inner beauty. - Well, uh, be that as it may... uh, the gang is wanted in eight other states. And we have a little saying around here- 'Let Michigan handle it.'

Gang Member · Another Member:I'd kill for some waffles. - He has. Remember the IHOP in Oakland?

Ramrod:Marge, how did you get my jacket so clean? I've tried everything to get those blood and puke stains out. I've tried hitting 'em. I've tried yelling at 'em.

Marge:Hey! Hey! That's a leave-in conditioner! You're done. Next!

Bart · Rod/Todd:Dad, I'm tired of bathing in the yard. Plus, I think Rod and Todd are watching. - No, we're not!

Homer:Benjamin Franklin once said that house guests are like fish at- at- Huh? They're gone! Whoo-hoo!

Gang Note · Homer:Thanks for letting us crash in your pad. We had a very nice time. P.S. We've taken your old lady. - D'oh!

Gang Leader · Marge:Oh, don't worry. You're completely safe. None of us find you sexually attractive. - None of you? Really?

Lisa · Homer:'Korean Love Brides'? - I just don't want to be alone!

Gang Leader:To the Bikers' Jamboree in South Dakota. You'll love it. Mickey Rourke's coming, and we're gonna jump him.

Gang Member · Marge:Oh, man. To get all that, you'd have to kill, like, 50 people. - No. You don't have to kill anyone, not if you have jobs.

Gang Member · Marge:No, I believe it's pronounced 'resume.' - Actually, both are acceptable.

Ramrod · Marge:Miss Simpson, I killed my pencil. - 'Broke.' You broke your pencil. - I broke him.

Homer:No! My wife is not a doobie to be passed around! I took a sacred vow on my wedding day to bogart her forever!

Marge:Oh! I just swept the circle of death.

Gang Leader · Homer:You know what I'm gonna do after I kill ya? Take your wallet. - Never! It was a gift from Newsweek!

Gang Leader:A woman like that only comes along every couple of miles.

Gang Member · Homer · Marge:Hey, can we at least keep her till the orgy in San Berdoo? - What do you say, honey? - No! - No dice!

Gang Members:We'll stop at the nearest town and mail our 'resumes.' - 'Resumes.' It still sounds weird to me.