Boy Scoutz N The Hood

Homer:D'oh!

Bart:Ay caramba!

Arcade Machine:Don't do drugs.

Arcade Machine:*sparks and breaks down*

Bart:Message received.

Security:We have a Code Red. Repeat, Code Red. We have broke kids in the arcade.

Security:All units, converge on the arcade immediately. Treat this as a Level 5 security threat.

Milhouse:But we still have two quarters!

Security:Negative. Quarters do not meet operational funding standards. Initiating lockdown protocol.

Arcade Employee:You kids gotta leave now!

Homeless Man:You know, life is short. You gotta cherish every moment with the people you love.

Homeless Man:Don't waste time on the things that don't matter.

Homeless Man:Say, you got a couple bucks so I can get some wine?

Homer:Mmm... 'Enriched wheat flour, malted barley, corn syrup...' Ahhh, Shakespeare.

Homer:Artificial banana flavoring, sodium benzoate... Ooh, Proust!

Homer:Monosodium glutamate, partially hydrogenated soybean oil, caramel coloring... *sighs* The classics.

Marge:Homer, we can't afford steak.

Homer:Steak? Mmm, steak.

Homer:The last peanut... I shall consume it with the reverence of a warrior honoring fallen comrades.

Homer:Here lies this peanut. It was salted. It was good.

Homer:Why is there a twenty dollar bill in here? Oh man, what is this stuff? It's all sticky and... ugh, is that a spider web? Gross! Wait... twenty dollars!

Homer's Brain:Now look, Homer, you can't get a peanut for nothing. You have to work for money, and then trade that money for a peanut.

Homer:But why?

Homer's Brain:Because that's how the economy works!

Homer:Stupid economy.

Bart:Dude, that was hilarious!

Milhouse:Yeah, but how many times can we watch the same gag?

Bart:Good point. It's getting pretty old.

Milhouse:I mean, we've seen this bit like a hundred times.

Bart:Money from heaven!

Milhouse:It's a sign from God!

Bart:No, it's probably just from some guy's wallet falling out of a plane.

Milhouse:Even better — divine intervention!

Bart:I'd like a Super-Squishy, please.

Apu:A Super-Squishy? But sir, that's 128 ounces! The cup is only 4 inches tall!

Bart:So?

Apu:So?! The liquid would have to be traveling at 120 miles per hour! Your mouth would be destroyed!

Apu:This is unprecedented!

Bart:Yeah, well, whatever.

Apu:She's going down, Captain! The engines can't take much more!

Apu:All hands on deck! Abandon ship! Women and children first!

Apu:No, my beloved slushy machine... we've had such good times together...

Bart:Milhouse, we've got sugar, we've got money... we've got OPTIONS.

Milhouse:Bart, I'm seeing things. Beautiful things.

Bart:Dude, we should totally do a Broadway musical.

Milhouse:Yes! I'll be the tragic orphan!

Bart:And I'll be the emotionally distant father figure who learns to love!

Both:♪ We're gonna put on a show! ♪

Bart:If I can make it there, I'd make it anywhere, it's up to you, Springfield, Springfield.

Milhouse:King-size Homer's on 5th and Main, Kwik-E-Mart's got Squishees, and Barney's passed out again.

Bart:These vagrants, these bums, these lazy slobs, they're all part of our town's charm.

Milhouse:The nuclear plant glows green at night, Moe's Tavern's where the real class acts go.

Bart:We're just like New York!

Milhouse:Except we have rules and a guy in charge!

New Yorker:Hey, can anybody tell me how to get to the Statue of Liberty?

Bart:Uh, I think you want to go that way.

New Yorker:Thanks, kid!

Homer:Mmm... unidentified gooey substance. [slobbering sounds]

Homer:Mmm... it's so sticky and delicious!

Homer:Wow, they're so shiny and magical!

Milhouse:Homer, you're the one who ate all the cupcakes.

Homer:I know, but look at them go! It's like watching tiny, hyperactive angels!

Bart:My head is pounding, my mouth tastes like a battery, and I can't remember what happened last night.

Lisa:That's not a hangover, Bart. That's a sugar crash. You consumed roughly 47 grams of refined carbohydrates yesterday, which caused a massive insulin spike followed by a corresponding metabolic crash.

Bart:So what you're saying is...

Lisa:You're experiencing acute hyperglycemic rebound hypoglycemia. The symptoms will subside once your pancreas stabilizes your blood glucose levels.

Bart:The Few, The Proud, The Geeky.

Milhouse:That's us!

Bart:Man, I've made some bad decisions on a sugar high. It's like being drunk, except the hangover is just more sugar cravings and regret.

Bart:I made my bed, and now I'm going to have to weasel out of it.

Homer:Kids, I want you to know that responsibility is just a word invented by the government to make us feel bad. The key to happiness is irresponsibility. It's how mankind evolved.

Lisa:Dad, that's completely wrong. Responsibility is essential for—

Homer:Actually, there is one exception. Weasels. Weasels are responsible. Have you ever seen an irresponsible weasel? No. That's why they're thriving.

Milhouse:I had a bad word shaved into my hair.

Marge:Milhouse, this is the third time this month!

Bart:I want my uniform back! I really do! Please! I'm so upset! Give it to me! I need it so bad! Please, please, please!

Bart:Mrs. Krabappel, I can't take the test today. I have a really important scout meeting.

Mrs. Krabappel:Bart, you're always making excuses. You're taking this test.

Bart:But Mrs. Krabappel, being a scout is a serious commitment! I could miss earning my Glow Stick Safety badge!

Bart:Scouts? More like a way to get out of actual school stuff.

Ned Flanders:Well, I've divided the seniors into two groups: one for hugging, and one for... other types of touching.

Homer Simpson:Other types of touching?

Ned Flanders:Yes, everything from the waist down is off-limits, of course.

Junior Camper:Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present my macaroni art installation. Using non-toxic adhesives and reclaimed pasta, I've created a post-modern commentary on consumerism and childhood nostalgia.

Scoutmaster:That's... a popsicle stick birdhouse, isn't it?

Junior Camper:Exactly. A popsicle stick birdhouse.

Bart:What? A spork? This is the worst day of my life.

Junior Camper:At least you got a utensil. I got a whistle.

Bart:A whistle? That's worse than a spork.

Junior Camper:No way, man. Sporks are deadly.

Bart:That's not a knife. This is a knife.

Warren:That's a spoon.

Bart:Alright, alright, you win. I see your Schwartz is as big as mine.

Dr. Hibbert:Well, I'm afraid we'll need to operate immediately. Nurse, hand me my surgical knife.

Nurse:Doctor, that's a Boy Scout knife!

Dr. Hibbert:I know. I'm a very bad doctor.

Bart:Wait, it says here 'Do not NOT read this manual.' Does that mean I should read it or not read it?

Homer:Oh, you're studying? What are you, some kind of nerd? A bookworm? A teacher's pet?

Bart:Dad, I'm just trying to get my scout badge.

Homer:Nerd! Nerd! Nerd!

Homer:Ooh, look at me, I'm reading a book. Oh, what does this word say? Uh... 'cat'? Oh, I'm so smart. Duh!

Bart:Dad, knock it off.

Homer:Goo goo ga ga, me read book! Me like book! Book make Homer feel all tingly inside!

Bart:A rubber knife? What am I supposed to do with this, practice my stabbing technique at a PTA meeting?

Homer:It's safe, son. You can't hurt anybody.

Bart:That's the problem, Dad. What good is a knife if you can't actually stab someone?

Homer:Mmm... a donut. [picks it up and eats it]

Homer:Mmm... sprinkles. [eats more]

Homer:Oh, the dirt just adds extra flavor!

Bart:Wow, that knot is totally unrealistic. You'd never tie a noose like that. The loop's way too big, and he didn't even do a proper slip knot. That's just lazy animation.

Ned Flanders:Well, howdy-diddly-doodly, Bart!

Bart:Hey Ned. What's up, diddly-doodily?

Ned Flanders:Well, I'll be diddly-damned!

Bart:That's what I'm talking about, diddly-dude!

Homer:Hi, I'm Homer Simpson, and this is my son Bart.

Other Parents:Boo! Boo! Get him out of here!

Ernest Borgnine:Hello children, I'm Ernest Borgnine.

Bart:Who?

Ernest Borgnine:I starred in 'From Here to Eternity,' 'Marty,' and 'The Poseidon Adventure.'

Lisa:We've never heard of those.

Ernest Borgnine:Well, I was also in 'McHale's Navy.'

Bart:Oh yeah! That's the show where you're always getting in trouble with your commanding officer!

Homer:What's all this about scout activities?

Homer:Camping? Knot-tying? Building fires? Who needs that stuff? Back in my day, we just sat on the couch and drank beer. You don't need to know how to tie a bowline or start a campfire with flint and steel. That's a waste of time!

Homer:Besides, what are you gonna do, get lost in the woods and have to use your scout skills to survive? Pfft. Just call for help on your cell phone like a normal person.

Bart:I'll tell Dad the opposite of what I want, so he'll do the reverse!

Homer:I'll tell Bart the opposite of what I want, so he'll do the reverse!

Bart:Dad, please don't give me any money.

Homer:Oh, so you want money? Here's a hundred bucks!

Homer:Boy, I don't want you to go to the movies.

Bart:So you DO want me to go? Okay!

Bart:Wait... you're using reverse psychology on me?

Homer:And you're using reverse psychology on me!

Both:D'oh!

Homer's Brain:Why are you doing this?

Homer:Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!

Homer:Why do I suddenly crave donuts and beer?

Bart:Why do I suddenly want to do homework and listen to my parents?

Homer:D'oh!

Bart:Ay caramba!

Sea Captain:Ahoy! This fine vessel has been in my care for many years. I know every inch of her from bow to stern.

Sea Captain:Well, actually, I have no idea what any of this does.

Homer:Please don't let me run into Ned Flanders today. Please, please, please.

Ned:Well, hidily-ho there, Homer!

Homer:D'oh!

Ned Flanders:Well, I'd say we're in a real jam-diddly-am situation here!

Homer:Let's see... I'll take Route 9 to the interstate, then... oh look, a Krusty Burger!

Marge:Homer, you're supposed to be reading the map.

Homer:I am reading it! Krusty Burger, Lard Lad Donuts, Moe's Tavern... this is the best map ever!

Homer:Let me see here... *studies map* ...Oh! There's a Krusty Burger three blocks away, a Frying Dutchman two blocks in that direction, and a Kwik-E-Mart right around the corner!

Homer:If you're ever lost in the woods, just follow the moss on the trees back to civilization.

Ned:Homer, that's not... moss grows on all sides of trees.

Homer:That's what Big Moss wants you to think, Neddy.

Ned:Water is precious. We must conserve every drop.

Homer:Water, water everywhere, and all the drops to drink!

Ned:Homer, that's not how the poem goes. It's 'nor any drop to drink.'

Homer:Well, maybe the Ancient Mariner was an optimist.

Ned Flanders:Well, howdy-doodly! Look at all those beautiful seagulls!

Homer Simpson:Yeah, they're great. Hey, watch this!

Ned Flanders:Oh no, don't feed them! You see, seagulls are very aggressive and territorial birds. If you give them food, they'll attack you and—

Homer Simpson:Too late!

Ned Flanders:Oh dear! And now they're dive-bombing because they think we're a threat to their nesting grounds! We need to make ourselves look bigger!

Homer:I was right! I was right! I said we were all doomed, and we are!

Marge:Homer, this isn't the time to gloat.

Homer:Oh, Marge, when else am I gonna be right about something this important?

Homer:I told you so! I told you so! I told you so!

Marge:Homer, we're dying.

Homer:And I was right! Woo-hoo!

Homer:Now kids, during tough times, you gotta ration your food. See, you take a little portion, put it away, and save it for later.

Homer:Like this...

Homer:*eats entire plate of food*

Bart:Look at those other rafts doing great out there.

[Sinister 'Deliverance' music plays]

Homer:Oh, a flare gun. I know how to use one of these.

Ned:Well, actually Homer, you're supposed to—

Homer:Quiet, Flanders. I'm a professional. Watch and learn.

Ned:But Homer, that's not—

Homer:No, no, no. You're holding it all wrong. See? You gotta feel the gun. It's like a woman. You gotta be gentle... then firm.

Ned:Homer, please, I really think you should—

Homer:Mmm, amateur.

Ned Flanders:Well, I'm afraid I've had a bit of a religious crisis, and I'm questioning everything I've believed in, diddly-diddly-diddly-diddly-diddly, but in a bad way-doodle!

Ned Flanders:I can't take it anymore! Everything's going wrong and I don't know what to do!

Homer:Whoa, whoa, whoa, Ned. Calm down. You're freaking me out here.

Ned Flanders:But Homer, I've tried everything! Nothing works! I'm a complete failure!

Homer:Listen to me. You're not a failure. You're one of the most together guys I know.

Ned Flanders:Really? You really think so?

Homer:Yeah. Now take a deep breath and get a grip.

Homer:Goodbye, old friend. We've had some good times together.

Homer:But I need you now more than ever... as bait.

Homer:You know, son, a Swiss Army knife is more than just a tool. It's a way of life.

Bart:Wow, thanks Dad! Where'd you get this?

Homer:I stole it from Sean Penn.

Homer:Now, you gotta be careful with a knife. Always keep your eye on the blade, never look away, and always maintain a firm grip.

Homer:*drops knife*

Bart:We're doomed! I can smell the death stench!

Homer:Mmm, death stench.

Homer:Mmm... I smell donuts.

Homer:Must find donuts... cannot waste time...

Homer:This is a Code Red donut situation. Repeat, Code Red!

Homer:All units converge on the delicious aroma. I repeat, all units!

Homer:I'll take a hamburger, cheeseburger, a large fries, a large shake, and a large soda.

Employee:Would you like to make that a combo?