Saddlesore Galactica

Homer:D'oh! [Screams]

Lisa:I hate to be a killjoy, but do you really think we can win playing 'Stars and Stripes Forever'? It's so Beginner Band. And we're Advanced Beginner Band.

Band teacher · Lisa:You mean something... just arranged by Sousa? - No, something fresh and bold. - Well, darling, you have lost me.

Bart:Hey, Grandpa, the Civil War's over.

Unknown male character · Lisa:Hey, the blonde broad's got a point. We need something with a little ring-a-ding-ding. - Take your arm off me. - Ooh, this kitten's got claws.

Vietnam veteran:I.D.? Man, Charlie didn't ask for I.D. when I fought at La Choy and Chun King. I saw my best friend's head explode at Margaret Cho.

Marge · Homer · Vietnam veteran:Homer, give him the 50 cents. - Why should I? Did my country give me a parade? - No, man. They spat at me and- Just go. - Thank you. This closes the saddest chapter in American history.

Salesman · Homer:Folks, how often have you opened your morning paper only to have the rubber band fly off and hit you right in the eye? - Never. But it's my number-one concern.

Homer:A little late for Lenny.

Homer:It's B.T.O. They're Canada's answer to E.L.P. Their big hit was 'T.C.B.' That's how we talked in the '70s. We didn't have a moment to spare.

Crowd member:No talkin'! No new crap! 'Takin' Care of Business' now!

Homer:I stand by my disappointed groan.

Homer:Check out Lisa. She's a sax machine. Makes me think I should have done something with my life. Oh, well. [Slurps]

Barney:Makes me think I should have done something with my life. Oh. well. [Slurps]

Unknown judge:Beautiful. Just beautiful. This is what 'comptrolling' is all about.

Band member:Anybody got a building permit? 'Cause we nailed it.

Judge · Second judge:That is the best version of 'Living in America' I've ever heard. - Third best for me.

Lisa:'Stars and Stripes Forever.' Oh, man, they're toast.

Lisa:Glow sticks? But visual aids are against the rules.

Judge:Well, it's not going to be easy to pick a winner. But I think one school red, white and blew us all away!

Lisa:I hope you enjoy your plaque, cheater!

Judge:Well, I was going to give you the Good Sportsmanship Award but now I'm just going to be sick.

Homer:Look, Lisa! It glows! Whoo!

Lisa · Marge · Bart:You mean state unfair. - Yeah, right. That's what I meant, Lisa. State unfair. - Zing!

Homer · Marge:See, Marge? I told you they could deep-fry my shirt. - I didn't say they couldn't. I said you shouldn't.

Homer:See, Marge? I told you they could deep-fry my shirt.

Homer:I wish people would stop telling me to 'step right up.'

Lou · Chief Wiggum:You gotta stop being so trusting, Chief. - I'd rather let a thousand guilty men go free than chase after them.

Homer:Good luck getting a horse to eat dog food.

Comic Book Guy · Homer · Family:Excuse me, but I believe this family already had a horse and the expense forced Homer to work at the Kwik-E-Mart with hilarious consequences. - Anybody care what this guy thinks? - [All] No!

Marge:Well, except the mop. [Slurping, Crunching]

Homer:Marge, your pro-mop/anti-horse agenda has been clear for some time.

Homer:Now let's look in the rule book and see if horses can play in the NFL. D'oh!

Lisa · Marge:Dear Mr. Rresident - What are you doing, Lisa? - I'm writing a letter to President Clinton about that travesty of a band contest.

Marge · Homer:It's the only fire extinguisher endorsed by both Lynda Carter and George Foreman. - I wonder what would happen if they had a baby.

Homer:Son, I learned everything I needed to know from The Horse Whisperer. Step one: Seduce a lonely housewife.

Homer:[Whispering] When the race starts, run really fast.

Homer:You're... beau-ti-ful.

Jockey 1 · Jockey 2:Just once I'd like to ride clockwise. - Really? I thought I was the only one.

Homer · Track worker:Hey, where do you get those metal dealies for his feet? - You mean horseshoes? - Hey, what's with the attitude? I just want some dealies.

Moe · Barney:That horse better win or we're taking a trip to the glue factory. And he won't get to come. - Yeah, that's a great tour. But you can't see it all in one day.

Race announcer:He hasn't even left the starting gate.

Race Announcer:What's this? Number five. Duncan... the horse no one expected to do anything. isn't doing anything.

Race announcer:What a shame the race is already over.

Homer · Bart:Oh, wait. You were number five? You! You stink! - Damn good.

Homer:All those other horses will be shaking in their horse dealies.

Homer:Ladies, say hello to Furious D! He's the bad boy of racing. He's got attitude and 'baditude', so show him some latitude, and you'll win his gratitude. Only in America!

Lisa · Homer:Ew! You used my bracelet for a nose ring. - Possessions are fleeting.

Rich man:That's my third monocle this week. I simply must stop being so horrified.

Marge · Betting clerk:Can't I just bet that all the horses will have a fun time? - Yeah, I think you want that line.

Lisa · Marge:Mom, I think you might be developing a gambling problem. - Hey, I'm watching you.

Lisa · Marge:Mom, I think you might be developing a gambling problem. Hey, I'm watching you.

Unknown spectator · Second spectator:Ah, man! That horse don't take no guff from nobody. - Guff? - I mean sh-

Homer:Man, I got more trophies than Wayne Gretzky and the pope combined.

Homer · Jockey:Why are you talking like that? - [High-pitched Voice] These are our real voices. [Normal Voice] We only talk like this on your surface world.

Jockey · All jockeys:All a lie. What woman would marry us? We're freaks. - [All] Freaks. Freaks. Freaks.

Jockeys:All a lie. What woman would marry us? We're freaks. [All] Freaks. Freaks. Freaks.

Jockeys · Homer:We'll eat your brain. - My horse must lose.

Homer · Jockey:Did that really happen, or was it just a wonderful dream? - No dream. Lose the race, fat boy.

Homer:Well, it is a good life. Believe me. [Laughs]

Race announcer:Welcome to the Springfield Derby, the fifth and penultimate duel of racing's Triple Crown.

Race Announcer:Could it be? In a bizarre twist, a horse is abusing a jockey. Might this be the start of a terrifying planet of the horses?

Race announcer:Might this be the start of a terrifying planet of the horses? In this announcer's opinion, almost certainly yes. And away I go.

Bart:I can't stress enough how easy it was to win this prestigious race. And furthermore- Hollywood is leading our kids down a moral sewer. Gotta go!

Bart:I can't stress enough how easy it was to win this prestigious race. And furthermore- Hollywood is leading our kids down a moral sewer. Gotta go!

Jockey · Homer:We'll give you gold. - Son, go get me a trash bag.

Jockeys · Homer:We'll give you gold. Now that you're a champion. you have your pick of the fillies. [Shudders] Yeah. she's the best.

Homer:Ooh, can you imagine- her face on her body?

President Clinton · Lisa:Yeah, hi. I'm here to see Lisa Simpson. - [Gasps] You read my letter?

President Clinton · Lisa:If things don't go your way, just keep complaining until your dreams come true. - That's a pretty lousy lesson. - Hey, I'm a pretty lousy president.

Lisa · President Clinton:That's a pretty lousy lesson. Hey. I'm a pretty lousy president.

Comic Book Guy:Worst episode ever.