Colonel Homer

D'oh!

Marge, that's just a suggested car size.

We're getting a lot of sparks here, Dad. / Uh-huh. Easy. Easy. Perfect. All right, everybody, out the window.

Ernest Cuts the Cheese! Honey, I Hit a School Bus! Look Who's Oinking!

Why, Marge, you frisky little devil. [Sexy Growl]

Get me Jed Colic!

Oh, this movie's too complicated. / Hey, the floor's sticky.

Who's that guy? What did that guy say when I said, 'Who's that guy?'

Look, you can see the strings. Ooh! An octopus!

If you don't watch the violence, you'll never get desensitized to it.

It's pretty obvious if you think about it. / Shut up, Homer! No one wants to hear what you think! / Yeah!

Homer, if it makes you feel any better... most of what they threw at you splattered on me.

His tendons are throbbing. Stress is collecting in the trouble spots-- here, here, and here-- making for one unhappy pappy.

Marge, I have always carried myself... with a certain quiet dignity. Tonight, you robbed me of it.

I guess that executive stress ball we got him isn't working.

Eww, a skunk.

Ooh, a redneck bar.

Hey, you, let's fight. / Them's fightin' words.

We don't sell Duff. We sell Fudd. / Okay, Fudd me.

It's a song I wrote while I was mopping up your dried blood and teeth.

That's right, except for the truck.

Your song touched me in a way I've never felt before. And which way to the can?

That's a pretty name. / You think so? / Maybe. I'm not sure. I forgot it.

Let's end this feudin' and a-fussin' and get down to some lovin'.

Doctor, you weren't supposed to remove his gall bladder. Put it back! Put it back!

Gee, Homer's singing to his ball again. / He's bowling a 280.

Fudd? They took that off the market after all those hillbillies went blind.

Wait a minute. You went to another bar? / Moe, I was 100 miles out of town. / Oh, Homer.

'I'm Basting a Turkey With My Tears'... 'Don't Look Up My Dress Unless You Mean It'... 'I'm Sick of Your Lying Lips and False Teeth.'

We've got to crack open your head and scoop out those songs.

This is KUDD 570 AM. Don't touch that dial. You've got KUDD on it.

I thought I told you to stay away from my sister! / Oh, here's 50 bucks. Take her to the Copa.

It's payback time. / Puts this whole riot into perspective, doesn't it?

I could feel her country soul in every digitally encoded bit.

Country music sucks. It takes precious air space from shock deejays... whose cruelty and profanity amuse us all.

like that jerk in the cowboy hat and that dead lady.

All I did was spend the afternoon in her trailer... watching her try on some outfits.

I was gonna ask for some water, but now I feel guilty about it.

You're just a big sack of sugar. / Thanks. You did say 'sugar,' right?

I should warn you, I'm not great with figures. / That's okay. / I make stupid decisions. / Nobody's perfect. / I did bad in school. / I didn't even go.

This is made from a space-age fabric... developed especially for Elvis. Sweat actually cleans this suit.

Your boyhood dream was to eat the world's biggest hoagie. You did it at the county fair last year, remember?

Buddy Holly stood here in 1958 and said, 'There is no way in hell I'll record in this dump.'

Buddy Holly stood here in 1958 and said... 'There is no way in hell I'll record in this dump.'

I thought you said she was overweight. / It takes two to lie-- one to lie and one to listen.

Hey, Dad, can I do a hambone solo? / Stop it.

We're getting a grinding noise on the track. / You, off the bench.

Hey! Oh, you meant that as a compliment.

Oh, that's hot. There isn't a man alive who wouldn't get turned on by that.

while you and Lurleen were out judging that greased pig contest... Maggie got her first tooth.

That's great, honey. Have you seen my rattlesnake hatband?

As much as I hate that man right now... you got to love that suit.

They don't call me Colonel Homer because I'm some dumb-ass army guy.

My whole romantic life is flashing before my eyes. / Gross!

Just so I don't wonder--you would have gone all the way with me? / Uh-huh. / Ooh. Okay.

I have to tell you... I'm desperate to unload Lurleen and I'll take any offer. / I'll give you 50 bucks. / You son of a-- Sold.

I caught my wife in bed... with my best friend. / You bitter? / Yep. Bit him too.

Is there any room in that bed for a dad-burned fool? / Always has been.

I do.