Moaning Lisa

Sorry, Dad. Women and children first.

Oh, Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to your neck.

Warm. No, cold. Colder. Ice cold.

Doh!

Well, Mom, one of us has scarfed down more than enough cupcakes over the past three decades to--

A simple cupcake will bring me no pleasure.

La da da da da dee

But Mr. Largo, that's what my country's all about.

I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of its car. The Iowa farmer whose land has been taken away by unfeeling bureaucrats. The West Virginia coal miner, coughing up--

That's all fine and good, but none of those unpleasant people are going to be at the recital next week.

And we sit around like cattle, chewing our cuds, dreading the inevitable--

Food fight!

I choose not to participate.

I'm too sad.

Battling Bart Simpson! And in the lavender trunks, with a record of zero wins and 48 defeats-- Oh, correction. Humiliating defeats, all of them by knockout--

Must you do this every time?

Homer 'The Human Punching Bag' Simpson!

I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. There's no way they can prove anything.

It isn't? There must be some mistake.

Oh, sure, I would, princess. I have feelings too, you know, like, 'My stomach hurts.' Or 'I'm going crazy!'

Come on, Lisa. Ride the Homer horsey! Giddyap. Whee!

Gee, Homer. Looks like you got yourself a real problem on your hands. Yeah, right. Uh, Bart, vacuum this floor.

Thinks he's some big stupid Homer. Oh, man. I'll show him. He thinks he's so big.

Maggie. Come to the one you love best. / No, Maggie. Come here, girl. Come to me.

Oh, no! Come on! Don't let the-- Aaah! Oh, no, not again.

Gee, Dad, you're really bad at this. I am not. It's just that I... couldn't concentrate with that infernal racket.

I was just playing the blues, Dad.

Unless my fingers clacking on the keys is too loud for you.

Oh, it's a little tune that I call... the 'I Never Had an Italian Suit Blues.'

Before you go out that door, let's put our happy face on, because people know how good a mommy you have by the size of your smile.

I am going easy on you, but you're so old and slow and weak and pathetic.

I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my dad at most things. And Bart experienced that at the age of four.

Oh, so that's it. This is some kind of underwear thing.

My friends call me Bleeding Gums. / Eww. How'd you get a name like that?

Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist? / Yeah. / Not me.

You know, you play pretty well for someone with no real problems.

The blues isn't about feelin' better. It's about makin' other people feel worse and makin' a few bucks while you're at it.

Lisa! Get away from that jazzman! / But Mom! Can't I stay a little longer? / Come on. We were worried about you. Nothing personal. I just fear the unfamiliar.

Don't make me say it. I know the answer. You know the answer. He knows the answer. Let's just drop it. Okay?

Yeah. Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking. / Is Jacques there? / Who? / Jacques. Last name Strap.

Aw, wait a minute. Jacques Strap? It's you, isn't it, you cowardly little runt! When I get a hold of you, I am gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood.

Howie! I thought I told you to stop wasting your money in this stupid place! / Sorry, Mom. / And you! A man of your age. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Take all your bad feelings and push them down. All the way down, past your knees, until you're almost walking on them.

I feel more popular already.

You know, I used to think you were some brainiac, but I guess you're okay.

Lisa, I apologize to you. I was wrong. I take it all back. Always be yourself. You wanna be sad, honey, be sad.

Marge, how could you? I was so close. / I'm sorry, but this is more important than that silly, loud game.

My game, my game! I could have beat the boy.

You're right, Mom. I'd just like to use this occasion to announce my retirement, undefeated, from the world of video boxing.