Helter Shelter

Homer:Yes. If he's smart, he'll hold out for millions. Whoo-hoo! I got skybox tickets. And with only 20 percent loss of my brain function. Life is... [MUMBLES]

Homer:Can't beat a skybox. All the excitement of being in the sky with the security of being in a box.

Lisa · Homer · Bart · Marge:Actually, it says here we're gonna see hockey. [IN UNISON] No! [PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Attendant · Homer:Would you care for some cologne? You have anything with ground-up whale in it? But of course.

Bart:It's like Moby's house on Cribs.

Homer · Painter · Larry Holmes:Can you paint me knocking out Larry Holmes? Certainly. Don't hit my face. Okay, where do you want it? I don't know. Work the stomach.

Larry Holmes:Mm. That takes me back.

Homer:Check out those non-skybox losers watching hockey without sushi.

Barney · Otto:Let's take Mr. Figgy Pudding down a peg. Otto, what are you waiting for? Get your ass on my neck.

Barney:Oh, great. And I just got all that gum out of my armpits.

Barney:All right. A people tooth. Gummy Sue, this is your lucky day. There. Now I is like Britney Spears.

Homer:This is a joke. You'll find me down with the real fans standing ankle-deep in beer and blood.

Marge · Homer:Fine. Watch your stupid Eagles concert. It's a hockey game. Whatever.

Lisa:Aim for the five hole. He's got an opening the size of Red Square.

Kozlov:Thank you, mouthy American child. Please to take my hockey tree.

Homer:They've already told the skybox fans who's gonna win.

Homer:Because she took the trouble to wander away and talk to a stranger.

Flanders:Well, cock-a-diddily-doo. What a Marge-alicious way to start my Flander-rific day.

Bart:Hey, Ma, our crap shack's going to hell.

Exterminator:These are no ordinary termites. What you've got here are Russian No-wood-niks.

Exterminator:Okay. But in order to kill these bugs, I've got to live like a bug, think like a bug, become a bug.

Homer:I go by how funny the sign is.

Exterminator:I had to use the good poison. It comes with James Coburn's picture on the bottle.

Homer:We'll just hang out in front of the house beside these garbage cans. The time will just fly by.

Bran Producer:I'm just gonna say it. We haven't had a good idea since Raisin Bran.

Marge:I do not want another lecture from a German backpacker about how we don't appreciate the National Park System.

Homer · Bart:That's Lenny? Oh, I wanted the black one.

Lenny:Oh, I share a common wall with a jai alai court.

Lenny:Ha-ha-ha. That's the sound of the pelota hitting the fronton. I find it soothing.

Comic Book Guy:I'm chairing a meeting of the Galactic U.N. My apologies. The paint is still wet on Ambassador Farfoon.

Marge:We are not staying at Moe's. Maggie's already drunk on the fumes. And she's a mean drunk.

Moe · Homer:We can eat the loser. Pfft. Who wants to eat a loser?

Homer:1895? Forget it. We'd be too late to save Lincoln and too early to save Kennedy.

Moe · Homer:You could save McKinley. It's not a time machine, Moe.

Marge:Hey, if TV can give Mike O'Malley a home, it can give us one.

Mitch Hartwell:And by creator, I mean I saw it on Dutch television and tweaked the title.

Producer:But isn't the dad Bill Cosby?

Homer:Argh! I'll teach you to whistle on the Sabbath!

Mitch Hartwell:They go to pieces over nothing. They're perfect for reality TV.

Marge:Oh, you look adorable, Lisa. Your school chums are going to be so jealous of your little outfit.

Bart:I look like Buster Brown. Whoever that is.

Bart:Wow, they had an Army helmet under every bed?

Homer:Befoul an Army helmet? You'd like that, wouldn't you, hippie?

Homer:Ooh, please be a melon baller. Please be a melon baller.

Marge:Uh, ha, ha. My hair isn't really blue.

Homer:Finally. I'm no longer a slave to the Gillette corporation.

Producer:Oreos? Sorry, these are from 1896. Non-scarring toilet paper. Ha. Dream on.

Producer:Urkel-O's. Delicious but forbidden.

Producer · Marge:I don't believe they had those in 1895. Yes, they did. Look closer. Ooh!

Producer:Twenty-three skidoo.

Homer:Maybe I could wuther your heights?

Homer:Maybe I could wuther your heights?

Bart:'Mutt and Jeff' comics are not funny. They're gay, I get it.

Lisa:Ugh. Bread tastes like clothes. I'm so cold. All of you stink so much.

TV executives:This is great television. Yeah. I can't wait to see which one of them dies first.

Homer:And when you're on TV, you dig in your claws and you never let go. Just like Bill Meyers.

Delivery Boy · Homer:Telegram for Haywood U. Cuddlemee. Haywood U. Cuddlemee? Big guy in the back, Haywood U. Cuddlemee? Hey-- Oh.

Homer:I'm gonna drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific. Stop.

Bart:I thought I was regular before, but I was wrong.

Lisa · Marge:Oh, I wish you would reconsider the proposal of Hiram Beatwife. He's betrothed to Martha Takeapunch.

Marge:He's betrothed to Martha Takeapunch.

Lisa · Squiggy:Why is the guy from Laverne & Shirley living in our house? Because nobody's watching you clowns.

Squiggy:If you was to ask me, you're all too calm and happy. The essence of drama is conflict. That's why they gave me this Taser.

Lisa:The network made our show more exciting by dumping the house in a river.

Marge:This rope was woven from handlebar moustaches.

Marge:You monsters. You turned this show into a Survivor clone.

Homer:I would never sign that. Unless there was a red sticker that said sign here.

Crew member · Producer:Do we get lunch? We're not allowed to interfere with the reality of the show. Which reminds me, burn the leftovers. Leave nothing.

Crew Member · Producer:Do we get lunch? We're not allowed to interfere with the reality of the show. Which reminds me, burn the leftovers. Leave nothing.

Tribe Members:We're not savages. I'm a paralegal from Cleveland. And I'm a nutritionist from Santa Fe.

Tribe Member:I just couldn't eat any more kangaroo testicles. The weird part is, now I can't get enough of them.

Former contestant:So the show just abandoned us here. The weird part is, now I can't get enough of them.

Marge:That's my Homie.

Producer:Is it so gosh-darn hard to get cocktail sauce in the middle of the Amazon?

Homer:Now we know what it feels like to be tormented. And yet I learn nothing.

TV Narrator:Law & Order: Elevator Inspectors Unit.

Homer:TV was the one good thing in my life and now I can't enjoy it any more.

Homer:Hmm. The water's off. I'll use my eye to see what the trouble is. [HOMER YELLS]

Homer:So this has become a game of wits, has it? Perhaps my other eye will get to the bottom of this.