Simpsons Bible Stories

Homer:It's so hot in here, I'm sweating like a pig at a bacon factory.

Reverend Lovejoy:Homer, please. We're trying to have a service.

Homer:Well turn up the air conditioning! Even the flies are passing out!

Reverend Lovejoy:Now, I know what you're all thinking: 'Why should I give when no one's watching?' Well, let me tell you, the good Lord is always watching. Always. Unlike me, I only check the collection plate on Sundays.

Reverend Lovejoy:Homer, you bought a chocolate bunny for Easter? Don't you know that's a pagan abomination?

Homer:I found it in the trash behind the kwik-e-mart.

Reverend Lovejoy:Oh. Well, that's fine then.

Homer:So God took one of my ribs to make a woman? Why couldn't he just use dirt like he did with me?

Homer:And then he gives her to me and says 'Don't eat the apple.' Yeah, right. Like I'm gonna listen to God when there's a hot chick and forbidden fruit involved.

Homer:Best. Rib. Ever.

God:Well, howdy-diddly-doodly, Adam and Eve-erino! I've got a real special garden-a-rooney for you folks. Now, there's just one tree you can't be eatin' from, okily-dokily? That there's the Tree of Knowledge, and if you go munchin' on it, why, you'll be in a heap of trouble-diddly-ouble, yes-siree-bob!

Adam:So God, you're still single? I mean, you created the entire universe and all, but you can't seem to find a date?

God:Adam, you can eat the fruit of any tree in the garden, but I must ask you not to eat the fruit of that tree.

Homer:Can I at least have two wives?

God:You must not eat from the tree of knowledge, Adam.

Adam:I understand, Lord. I shall resist all temptation.

Adam:But how about polygamy instead?

Marge:Look at this beautiful creature. We should give it a name.

Homer:How about... Dog?

Marge:That's a cat, Homer.

Homer:Then Cat.

Eve:Why don't we call it a 'giraffe'? It has a long neck.

Adam:No, I'll call it a 'long-neck.'

Snake:Hey there, sweet thing. You know, you'd look a lot prettier if you smiled more. And those fig leaves? Total mom jeans. You should really do something about that body hair situation.

Eve:Excuse me?

Snake:I'm just saying, you'd be way hotter if you tried. Also, you're crazy, right? All women are. That's why you can't handle the Garden without a man telling you what to do.

Adam:Eve, I love you more than life itself. You're more beautiful than the Garden of Eden itself.

Eve:Aww, thank you, Adam.

Adam:In fact, you're more lush and fertile than the Trees of Life. Your curves are as abundant as the four rivers flowing through Paradise. And your forbidden fruit... well, let's just say it's the most tempting thing in all of Creation.

God:Oh no! My unicorn! What happened to you?

God:Well, I suppose I'll just have to resurrect you as a human. From now on, your name shall be... Dennis.

Homer:So, Reverend, if I've sinned, God will forgive me, right?

Reverend Lovejoy:Well, Homer, that depends on the severity of your sins.

Homer:But He's forgiving, isn't He?

Reverend Lovejoy:Yes, but there are limits. Some sins lead to eternal damnation.

Reverend Lovejoy:*reads from book* 'And the wicked shall be cast into the pit of fire for all eternity, where there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.'

Reverend Lovejoy:Well, folks, we've completed the book of Genesis. That's just one down, 65 more to go!

Pharaoh:You drive those slaves harder than anyone I've ever seen. Magnificent work!

Willie:Well, thank ye, sir! That means a lot comin' from you. I've been workin' real hard at bein' cruel and heartless.

Pharaoh:Who damaged my pyramid? Confess, or I will visit upon you the ten plagues of Egypt!

Homer:The ten plagues? Big deal. I've been through worse on a Tuesday.

Chief Wiggum:Willie, that's a beautiful whip. Where'd you get it?

Willie:Got it from a fella down at the sports equipment store. Says it's got a reinforced handle and a triple-braided leather cord.

Chief Wiggum:That's some fine craftsmanship. The balance on that thing must be perfect for... uh... what exactly are you using it for?

Willie:Punishment, of course. It's got excellent snap and follow-through. Real professional grade.

God:Moses, I need you to lead your people out of Egypt.

Moses:Oh great, because I was really looking forward to a career in middle management. Nothing says 'fulfilling life' like herding thousands of complaints through the desert for forty years.

God:Will you do it?

Moses:Yeah, yeah, fine. But I'm not happy about it.

Moe:Oh sure, I'll just ask the Pharaoh. 'Hey Pharaoh, how about you let my people go?' Since when are they MY people? I didn't even know these guys yesterday!

Pharaoh:Take a letter, secretary. I wish to tell my enemies what I think of them.

Mrs. Krabappel:Yes, sir.

Pharaoh:Picture of me. Picture of them. Picture of me kicking them. Picture of them running away. Picture of me doing a little dance.

Mrs. Krabappel:Got it.

Pharaoh:Mmm, delicious frogs! Perhaps the gods have blessed me with a feast instead of a plague.

Lisa:Bart, I've been meaning to talk to you about us.

Bart:Lisa, we're plummeting to our deaths!

Lisa:I know, but I feel like we never communicate anymore.

Chief Wiggum:Well, at least slavery was good for the economy.

Bart:Okay, okay, I'm Jewish!

Moses:I need to part the Red Sea.

Moses:Aha! I'll use this modern toilet mechanism to drain it!

Bart:So, uh, what happens to the Jews after they leave Egypt?

Lisa:Well, they wander in the desert for forty years, and then... well, throughout history there's been a lot of persecution.

Bart:Hey Lisa, what's the Jewish future look like?

Lisa:Well Bart, I'd love to tell you it's bright, but... historically speaking, that's never really been the case.

Homer:All right, all right, I'll settle this pie dispute like the wise King Solomon. We'll cut the pie in half.

Homer:Wait, you're STILL fighting over it? That's it — death penalty!

Krusty the Clown:I'm not saying she's easy, but Sodom used to be called 'Pottery Barn.'

David:Wait, I already killed Goliath in the first movie. Why is he back?

Goliath:Sequel villain logic, kid. I got better. Also, I'm 20% bigger now.

Homer as King David:This summer... one man... one sling... This time, it's personal.

David:This time, Goliath, it's personal. I'm coming for you with biblical vengeance!

Narrator:And so David prepared for battle, armed with nothing but a sling and a heart full of biblical rage.

David:Wait, hold on a second. I need to get some rocks for my sling.

David:Um, can we... can we reschedule this? Maybe next Tuesday?

Homer:I'll defeat you by cutting your hair!

Goliath II:That's Samson, you idiot. I'm Goliath.

David:I'll use my hair-cutting strategy on you!

Goliath II:You're thinking of Samson, you idiot. I'm the giant you're supposed to hit with a rock.

David:Hoping his embarrassing defeat won't be recorded in scripture

Ralph:Wow, King David! You're like the coolest guy ever! You killed Goliath with a rock!

Homer:Thanks, boy. But you know, it's not all fun and games. Sure, I killed a giant, but I also sent a man to his death just to cover up an affair with his wife.

Ralph:Cool!

Homer:No, Ralph, that's the whole point — it's not cool. I'm going to Hell.

Ralph:He lived in a whale? That explains the diet.

David:I guess you could say this meal is giving me... heartburn.

Homer as King David:I'm alive, so Goliath must be dead.

Ralph Wiggum:I'm gonna kill the giant!

Marge Simpson:Ralph, no! That's Goliath! He was a beloved progressive leader!

Ralph Wiggum:Oops.

Chief Wiggum:You're under arrest for the murder of Goliath!

Homer:Church? Pfft. Nothing bad ever happens on a Sunday.

[Cut to: apocalypse beginning - sky darkens, ground shakes, chaos erupts]

Marge:Bart, with the world ending, have you at least been eating your vegetables?

Bart:Mom, I wet my pants like five minutes ago.

Moe:I wish I'd spent more time with my family instead of working at the bar.

Moe:I wish I'd told my mother I loved her before she passed.

Moe:I wish I'd bought that Betamax player when they were on sale.

Homer:Why?! Why?! Why?! This is the worst day of my life!

Devil:Homer, you're in hell.

Homer:Hell? Sweetie, I'm already home. I'm just upset about the barbecue at work today. They said it was going to be ribs, but all they had were hot dogs and hamburgers!