Maximum Homerdrive

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:I told the nurse, 'I don't need your help! I'm fine! Get away from me with your stethoscope, you quack!'

Homer:Then she offered me a free checkup and I said, 'Free?! That's the most expensive thing I've ever heard!'

Marge:Homer, your coworker called today.

Homer:Which one?

Marge:The one who bit you.

Homer:They all bit me, Marge.

Lisa:You're nothing but meat-eating scum!

Homer:Hey! What'd I do?

Lisa:Not you, Dad. I'm talking about the new football coach.

Lisa:This restaurant is grotesquely over-the-top carnivorous. Look at these decorations!

Homer:Well, Lisa, maybe they should be flattered. I mean, who wouldn't want to spend their last moments in such a nice restaurant?

Homer:The cows enjoy their own deaths. It's like a big party for them.

Homer:Wow, this place is incredible! The food here is amazing!

Marge:Well, I'm glad you're enjoying it, Homie.

Homer:You know, Marge, this makes me realize your cooking tastes like a tire fire.

Homer:Was that really necessary?

Marge:Homer, you just swept an entire roasted chicken onto the floor!

Homer:I know, but did you have to make me feel bad about it?

Homer:Why would they serve hooves as a bread replacement?

Waiter:It's our new artisanal approach to appetizers, sir.

Homer:Artisanal? This is just a hoof! I wanted bread, not something that belonged on a horse!

Homer:Every dish is beef, including 'beef-fried beef'

Waiter:The menu itself is a flattened chicken

Marge:Well, at least it's a good source of protein.

Homer:I'm never killing another cow again. I'm going vegetarian!

Marge:That's wonderful, Homer!

Homer:Yeah, from now on I only drink milk.

Lisa:Dad, cows are killed for milk too.

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:This steak is too small! I ordered a big juicy steak!

Waiter:Sir, that IS our largest steak.

Homer:Well it's dainty. It's delicate. It's positively... petite. It's practically a ladylike cut of meat. Why, it's downright feminine! It's got a little purse! Look at these tiny, dainty garnishes!

Waiter:We have our 'Sir Loin of Beef' — it's so big, you'll need a suit of armor to eat it.

Homer:I'd like to order your 64-ounce steak.

Waiter:Sir, that comes as a entrée.

Homer:No, I want it as a drink.

Homer:Woo-hoo! I'm a big, strong man!

Crowd:He ate 64 donuts!

Homer:That's right, I did it for America.

Homer:Wait, you're a famous trucker? Oh my God, you're Tony Randall!

Trucker:No, I'm not Tony Randall. I'm a truck driver.

Homer:Sure, sure, whatever you say, Mr. Randall.

Red Barclay:I've been drivin' trucks for thirty years, seen it all from coast to coast. I know the best diners, the worst rest stops, and everything in between.

Red Barclay:You want to know about eatin'? I'll tell you 'bout eatin'. I've had breakfast in Barstow, lunch in Las Vegas, dinner in Durango. Got the appetite of a rhino, got the taste buds of a pro. From the diner in Denver to the café in Chicago, I know where the good food go!

Homer:What's a greenhorn? Is it someone who's green? Like, the Hulk? Am I the Hulk?

Homer:Wait, does it mean I have a horn? A green horn? Where's my horn?

Homer:Oh! Is it like when Bart plays that green horn in band class? Am I Bart?!

Bart:A greenhorn is a newbie, a rookie, someone who's new to the game.

Bart:So I decided to test out my greenhorn status by punching Milhouse in the arm.

Bart:Then I moved on to Nelson, gave him a solid kick.

Bart:Ralph didn't even see it coming when I tripped him down the stairs.

Bart:Even Principal Skinner got a piece of the action—a slingshot to the back of the head.

Bart:By the end of the day, I'd basically assaulted every kid in Springfield and half the faculty.

Bart:Turns out being a greenhorn is way more fun than I thought.

Homer:Oh yeah? Well, your belly is so big, your belly is so big!

Dr. Hibbert:Well, it's perfectly safe. I'm the team physician.

Dr. Hibbert:On second thought, competitive eating is extremely dangerous. That'll be $150.

Dr. Hibbert:Now, if your child is choking, simply press this button for an automated Heimlich maneuver.

Dr. Hibbert:It's completely safe.

Homer:What could possibly go wrong?

Dr. Hibbert:Well...

Announcer:Introducing the eating contest participants: In lane one, we have Champion Eater Joey Chestnut!

Announcer:In lane two, we have Competitive Eater Takeru Kobayashi!

Announcer:And in lane three... Homer... uh... Simpson? No wait, just... Homer.

Homer:Mmm... bread.

Marge:Homer, no! You're supposed to save room for the actual food!

Homer:But Marge, bread IS food.

Homer:Okay Homer, think. You're in a contest. You need to win. First prize is a boat. If you win the boat, you get a boat. Second prize is a jet ski. If you lose, you don't get a boat. The key to winning is... not losing.

Homer:Lungs filling. Sinuses packed with meat.

Lisa:Dad, that's Bessie.

Homer:I'm at my physical limit. I can't eat another bite.

Homer:Wait... did I just say I don't want food? What's happening to me? Am I dying? Is this what death feels like?

Dr. Hibbert:Well, it appears Red Barclay has died from acute gastrointestinal distress due to competitive eating. However, I should note that my restaurant investment in this establishment was completely separate from my medical practice, so I bear no responsibility whatsoever.

Homer:You know, Red and I have been through a lot together. We've insulted each other, confused each other, and basically had no idea what the other one was talking about most of the time.

Homer:But that's what makes our bond so special. We're connected by a deep, meaningful relationship built on mutual incomprehension and constant bickering.

Homer:Well, Red's not coming back, so I guess I'll just finish his delivery.

Homer:Yeah, I probably should've checked if he was still in the truck bed before I drove off that cliff.

Homer:Bart, why are you wasting your time playing video games instead of doing your homework?

Bart:Why are you wasting your time watching TV instead of going to the gym?

Homer:D'oh!

Marge:Bye, Homer.

Homer:Marge, Marge, Marge. You gotta put more love in it. Try again.

Marge:Bye, Homer.

Homer:No, no, no. With feeling! Like you're really gonna miss me.

Marge:Bye, Homer. I love you.

Homer:That's better. Now get out of here before I cry.

Homer:Look at me, boy! I'm a real trucker now. See this tan? This is what years on the open road does to a man.

Bart:Dad, you got that tan sitting in the driveway for three hours with the window down.

Homer:Exactly! The open road, Bart. The open road.

Bart:Honk if you love donuts!

Homer:That's not a love gesture, that's an insult! Why you little...

Homer:HONK HONK!

Homer:And stay off my lawn, ya punk!

Lisa:Oh, look. Postcards from Dad and Bart. Let me see what they have to say.

Lisa:Dad writes: 'Dear Lisa, I'm in Philly. Just had the most amazing sandwich. It's called a hoagie.'

Lisa:And Bart writes: 'Yo Lis, I'm in New Orleans. Had this awesome sandwich called a po'boy.'

Lisa:And here's one from Dad again: 'Now I'm in Connecticut. They call it a grinder here.'

Lisa:This is fascinating. The same sandwich, called by completely different names depending on the region.

Marge:I'm going to walk on the wild side and buy a musical doorbell.

Lisa:Mom, that's not walking on the wild side, that's just... suburban.

Marge:How many dings does a doorbell really need? One? Two? Do I go with the classic ding-dong or something more contemporary like the ding-ding-ding?

Senor Ding-Dong:We have the classic ding-dong, the musical ding-dong, the Westminster chimes model, the cuckoo bird special, and our deluxe symphony edition that plays the entire first movement of Beethoven's Fifth.

Marge:Lisa, you have such a gift for finding doorbells.

Senor Ding-Dong:Yes, and in the doorbell business, we call that a threat.

Homer:Mmm, truck stop coffee. And look at this waitress! She's got the triple-stacked pie rack going on.

Waitress:More coffee, hon?

Homer:Yes! And I'm divorcing my wife. We can run away together!

Lisa:Oh boy, we finally have a visitor for my doorbell test!

Milhouse:Hi Lisa!

Lisa:Perfect! Now let me document your reaction to the doorbell.

Milhouse:Sure, I'd be happy to—AAAAAHHHHH!

Jehovah's Witness #1:Good morning. We're here to spread the word of—

Jehovah's Witness #2:Wait. Why are we even doing this? What if we're wrong?

Jehovah's Witness #1:What do you mean, wrong? This is our faith.

Jehovah's Witness #2:But how do we know? How does anyone know? Are we just going door to door because our parents did?

Jehovah's Witness #1:I... I never thought about it that way.

Jehovah's Witness #2:I'm done. I'm going back to college.

Jehovah's Witness #1:Wait for me.

Marge:Well, they seemed like such nice people. I would have told them what they wanted to hear.

Marge:Listen here, you little ankle-biters. I don't know who you are, but if you ring that doorbell one more time, I'm going to come out there and give you such a pinch!

Marge:Please, Luigi, just ring the doorbell!

Luigi:But why? There's nobody inside to answer it.

Marge:I just need to know if it works!

Luigi:It's a doorbell, Marge. Of course it works. That's what doorbells do.

Marge:Finally, we can test the new doorbell!

Lisa:What song did you choose, Mom?

Marge:Oh, just a lovely classical piece.

Marge:♪ La la la la ♪

Marge:There, that's nice and—

Lisa:Mom, it's been playing for ten minutes.

Marge:♪ La la la la ♪

Homer:Make it stop! Make it stop!

Homer:Great news, everyone! We're way ahead of schedule!

Bart:Dad, we're not ahead of schedule. We're impossibly behind.

Homer:That's impossible! How can we be behind if we're ahead?

Homer:Do you have any stimulants?

Store Clerk:Pills so dangerous Congress is rushing to ban them.

Homer:If I'm taking too many pep pills, I'll just balance it out with downers. Problem solved!

Homer:It's like a seesaw, but inside my body.

Homer:I gotta stay awake. I gotta stay awake. I gotta stay aw... zzzzz

Homer:Woo-hoo! We made it! It's a miracle!

Marge:Homer, you were on cruise control.

Homer:Praise Jesus!

Trucker:Yeah, with auto-drive, this job's a breeze. I just sit here and watch the road.

Trucker:Only downside is my back's shot, my neck's all stiff, and I can't feel my legs anymore.

Homer:Wow, those truckers are lazier than me? That's impossible!

Homer:I'm in awe. I've met my master.

Homer:Hey Bart, come on out here! It's amazing!

Bart:Dad, you're hanging out the window while the car's moving!

Homer:I know! That's what makes it fun! Come on, live a little!

Bart:No way, man!

Homer:Aw, you're no fun. Hey, at least Maggie's got some guts!

Homer:Hey everybody, check out this amazing auto-drive system! It's so advanced, the truckers have been using it for years to stay awake on long hauls.

Homer:They told me it was their secret weapon, but I figured, why keep it to myself? You all deserve to know!

Homer:It's just a little... *whispers loudly* ...methamphetamine!

Truckers:Yeah. Just like we did to Jimmy Hoffa. - Hey, shut up!

Marge:Oh, why can't I find the wire cutters?

Marge:I'll just use these wire cutters directly on the wires!

Homer:Wow, these guys sure are friendly! They're really giving us the old college try!

Trucker:We're trying to kill you, you idiot!

Homer:Ha ha! That's a good one! You almost had me there!

Trucker:A massive explosion! A gun fight! A high-speed chase! But when I get home, my wife is gonna kill me for missing dinner!

Homer:I'm doing this for Lenny. We've been best friends for... how long has it been?

Lenny:About twenty years.

Homer:Oh my God, I had no idea! I thought it was like three weeks.

Computer:You are not Homer Simpson.

Homer:I am too Homer Simpson!

Computer:Identity confirmed. Homer Simpson, you are under arrest.

Homer:D'oh!

Trucker 1:Did you see that? That's the best driving I've ever seen!

Trucker 2:Yeah, man, he's got the rubber side down, the shiny side up!

Trucker 1:He's ten-four, good buddy. That's one smooth operator.

Trucker 2:Smokey's gonna want to give him a medal for that lane change!

Trucker 1:We don't do honest work.

Trucker 2:Yeah, we're moving to cryptocurrency scams instead.

Trucker 1:NFTs, baby!

Bart:Maybe Red's grateful up in heaven.

Homer:Red's dead?

Dock Worker:Let's see here... we got a shipment of ball bearings, ten dozen boxes of some kinda raw material, and... uh... oh yeah, a couple of people in the back.

Homer:Red? Oh, he's dead. Been dead for three weeks. He's in the freezer next to the TV dinners.

Train Engineer:Well, you can ride in the caboose, but I gotta warn ya - we're carrying a full load of nitroglycerine, napalm, and Dennis Rodman.

Homer:Dennis Rodman?!

Train Engineer:Yeah, he's the most dangerous of all.

Marge:What is this thing?

Senor Ding-Dong:¡Hola, amigos! I am Senor Ding-Dong!

Homer:Wait, you mean Senor Ding-Dong isn't real?

Senor Ding-Dong:I have transcended my commercial origins, Homer. I am more than just a mascot now.

Marge:He's just a marketing gimmick.

Senor Ding-Dong:Marketing gimmick? I am more than that. I have transcended my commercial origins. I am a being of pure consciousness, existing beyond the constraints of advertising.

Senor Ding-Dong:If you need me again, just ring my bell!

Homer:My car won't start. I need help!

Señor Ding-Dong:Even I have car trouble, amigo. My enchanted vehicle, she no start either.

Senor Ding-Dong:I shall disappear into the night, never to be seen again!

Senor Ding-Dong:What? The car won't start? No! This is not how the mystical arts work!