In Marge We Trust

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:I can't go to church, Marge. I'm working.

Marge:Homer, you're lying in bed.

Homer:Exactly. It's hard work.

Marge:God only asks for an hour a week.

Homer:That's it? In that case, I'm willing to give it a shot.

Reverend Lovejoy:And so we see that constancy is a virtue that—oh, for the love of—

Reverend Lovejoy:Now where was I?

Reverend Lovejoy:And that's why we must all seek forgiveness for our sins.

Moe:Oh, for the love of—! What the—?! Are you frick-frackin' kidding me?!

Reverend Lovejoy:And so, as I was saying, the path to righteousness is long and winding, much like the road to... to...

Congregation:[snoring, sleeping]

Reverend Lovejoy:...Springfield, and the Lord has blessed us with...

Congregation:[continues sleeping]

[Bird crashes through window]

Congregation:[suddenly awake and alert, gasping]

Bart:Leaving church is the best part of the week.

Homer:What about donuts?

Bart:Well, okay, donuts are number one. But leaving church is a very close number two.

Homer:Well, I guess we should get rid of this Christmas tree.

Marge:Homer, it's April.

Homer:It's looking a little brown.

Helen Lovejoy:Oh my stars! I got four U's and no vowels that matter!

Marge Simpson:Helen, U is a vowel.

Helen Lovejoy:Well, I never! The universe is against me!

Helen Lovejoy:Well, I'm so glad you volunteered, Marge. I must say, I fully expected you to put up more of a fight.

Marge Simpson:Oh, well, I'm always happy to help out.

Helen Lovejoy:Yes, well, that's the problem. It takes all the fun out of it.

Homer:Look at this! A perfectly good TV with only a few bullet holes in it.

Marge:Homer, it's completely destroyed.

Homer:Nonsense! I just need to find the right angle to watch it from.

Lisa:Look, a doll! Oh, her head's been chewed off. Well, at least she's dead, so she can't feel the pain.

Bart:Whoa! Check it out, Lisa! Some kind of mysterious box!

Bart:It could be anything! Maybe it's full of treasure, or aliens, or a portal to another dimension!

Lisa:Bart, it's just a cardboard box. There's a shipping label from an office supply store.

Bart:That's exactly what they want us to think!

Homer:Wait a minute. My face is on a Brazilian soda bottle? How is that possible?

Homer:I've never even been to Brazil... have I?

Homer:Oh, who am I kidding? Of course I haven't been to Brazil.

Principal Skinner:I need relationship advice. My girlfriend left me because I'm too literal-minded.

Barney:That's rough. Have you tried watching some romantic movies?

Principal Skinner:I watched 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.' Now I'm trying to find a neurologist to erase my memories.

Barney:That's not what it means, man.

Principal Skinner:Well, it says 'eternal sunshine' right there. I've been standing outside for three hours waiting for the sun to never set.

Skinner:Reverend, I need to find a specific Biblical passage. Can you help me locate it?

Reverend Lovejoy:Oh, well, you know, there's so many of those passages. Have you tried just... not worrying about it?

Reverend Lovejoy:I used to believe I could change the world with my faith and compassion.

Reverend Lovejoy:Now I realize people just want absolution without actually changing anything. They'll feel guilty, confess, get forgiven, then do it all again next week.

Young Ned Flanders:Reverend Lovejoy, I've committed a terrible sin. I was dancing with a girl, and... and our hips were touching.

Reverend Lovejoy:Ned, that's not a sin. That's just dancing.

Young Ned Flanders:But the friction between our pelvises generated an impure thought, and I experienced a involuntary tumescence of the genital area!

Ned Flanders:I've been having the most untoward thoughts about Maude.

Ned Flanders:Feelings of a... conjugal nature.

Ned Flanders:Is it sinful to desire one's own wife in such a carnal way?

Ned Flanders:I consulted the Good Book, but it doesn't specifically address such wickedness between husband and wife.

Ned Flanders:Okily-dokily, I'm going straight to Hell.

Reverend Lovejoy:I used to care about my parishioners, but then I realized something in the 1980s: nobody cares about anybody. It's all about me, me, me. So now I just say whatever gets the biggest laugh and move on to the next sermon.

Marge:Hello, St. Sebastian's Church... Oh, you need help? Well, I'm just a volunteer, but... I suppose I could try. From this moment on, call me... Captain Marge!

Moe:I'm having an existential crisis, my bar's losing money, and I think my cat's plotting against me.

Moe:Hello, is this the suicide hotline?

Marge:Yes, it is. Who am I speaking with?

Moe:This is... uh... just some guy. You don't know me.

Marge:Moe, is that you?

Moe:No! I told ya, you don't know me!

Marge:Moe, I recognize your voice. Now stop being silly and go home.

Homer:Marge, you've been volunteering at the library for three weeks and we haven't gotten a single free book out of it.

Marge:Homer, that's not how volunteering works. It's about giving back to the community.

Homer:Giving back? I've been giving my whole life, Marge. My sweat, my tears, my occasional blood at the plasma donation center. When do I get something back?

Marge:The point is to help others without expecting a reward.

Homer:Well, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. So let me get this straight: you work for free, and you don't get paid? That's not volunteering, Marge, that's slavery. And we fought a war to end that.

Bart:Wait a minute. Dad's face is on a Japanese box? That's not a coincidence. They're watching us. They're always watching us. Every product you buy, every box you open — there's a face in there. Planning. Waiting.

Lisa:Bart, that's ridiculous.

Bart:Is it, Lisa? IS IT? Wake up! The corporations know everything!

Bart:Dad, I think we're being watched.

Homer:Watched? By who? That's ridiculous!

Homer:Nobody's watching us. We're just a normal family going about our normal lives.

Akira:The socks of honor have been soiled by the mud of shame. But wait! Cleansing Powder 2000 shall restore them to their former glory!

Akira:The sacred forest, famous for its industrial manufacturing.

Lenny:Carl, I gotta tell you something. My wife... she's not real. I made her up just so people would think I was married.

Carl:What? Lenny, that's crazy!

Lenny:I know, but it worked. Everyone at work thinks I'm a family man now.

Lenny:A big dinner? Yeah, yeah, I like where your head's at, Marge. Nothing says 'forget your problems' like a little food and... well, mostly food. Mmm, food.

Seymour Skinner:I'm not principal of the line, Mother.

Agnes Skinner:You're not principal of anything, Seymour. You're a failure at everything you do.

Store Clerk:Is this a local call?

Homer:Yeah.

Homer Simpson:Hello, Mr. Sparkle? Yeah, hi, it's Homer Simpson calling from Springfield. Listen, I got some questions about your product here...

Japanese Businessman:Ah yes, hello! Mr. Sparkle very pleased to hear from you. How can I help you today, my friend?

Homer Simpson:Well, see, I got this box of your stuff, and there's a picture of me on it. How'd that happen?

Japanese Businessman:Ah, yes, very funny story! We take picture from American television, very popular man, so we use face for Mr. Sparkle. You very handsome!

Japanese businessman:Ah yes, very funny! You look exactly like Bobo, our company mascot!

Japanese businessman:But I cannot answer your questions now. All will be explained in the exciting new Buzz Cola promotional video!

Reverend Lovejoy:Well, I... that's wonderful, but let's not get too excited about religion. We have a very busy schedule of bake sales and potlucks.

Reverend Lovejoy:Why does everyone love Marge so much? I'm like a TV dinner — I'm convenient, I'm there whenever you need me, but nobody really wants me.

Reverend Lovejoy:Why does everyone always leave me? What did I do wrong?

St. Eleutherius:I am St. Eleutherius.

Rev. Lovejoy:St. Eleutherius? ...Who?

Saint:What great deeds have you done?

Reverend Lovejoy:Well, I once changed the church bulletin board without anyone asking me to.

Reverend Lovejoy:Well, I'm afraid the carpet in the church needs replacing. It's quite worn.

St. Eleutherius:My son, I have witnessed the rise and fall of empires, the birth of Christianity itself, and the eternal struggle of mankind. And you come to me about... carpet?

St. Eleutherius:Reverend Lovejoy, your sermons are remarkably dull and uninspired.

Rev. Lovejoy:Well, I do my best.

St. Eleutherius:Your best is exactly the problem. If I'm this disappointed, imagine how God feels.

Marge:Well, I'm sure Tim will feel better soon. He just needs to stay positive!

Reverend Lovejoy:Yes, yes, that's what I always say. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go stare out the window for six hours.

Reverend Lovejoy:All aboard for the land of make-believe! Well, I suppose that's where I live now.

Reverend Lovejoy:Choo-choo. Chugga-chugga. Choo-choo. Why does even my toy train sound depressed?

Bart:What the hell was that?

Bart:Hey Dad, from now on I'm gonna call you... Lightfish!

Homer:Let's go home.

Homer:Wait a minute... we never left home.

Ned Flanders:Well, howdy-diddly-doodly there, you rascal-diddly-ascals. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cease and desist with your mischievous antics, if you don't mind terribly. Pretty please?

Bart Simpson:Eat my shorts, Flanders.

Ned Flanders:Oh, well, that's not very neighborly-werino. I'm going to count to three, and if you don't stop, I'm going to be very upset-diddly-upset. One... two... oh, gosh, this is awkward... two and a half?

Ned Flanders:Look, I don't want any trouble-diddly-ouble, but if you keep this up, I might have to tell your parents, and boy howdy, would that be unpleasant for everyone involved.

Teenage hooligan:Hey, let's go hang out at the photo shop.

Teenage hooligan:We could huff some of that photo developing stuff.

Ned Flanders:Well, I'm at the corner of Fifth and Main, next to that gas station where unleaded is $3.459 a gallon!

Ned Flanders:Well, I'm at the Kwik-E-Mart on Evergreen Terrace, and the unleaded is currently $1.29 and 9/10ths per gallon, which is a real humdinger compared to last Tuesday when it was $1.28 and 7/10ths!

Zookeeper:Oh, they'll rip your arms off and beat you with them.

Ned Flanders:Well, I guess this is it. Them baboons are gonna get me. But before they do, I want a solid gold toilet, a diamond-encrusted speedboat, and season tickets to the ballet... in France!

Homer Simpson:Whoa, Flanders! I didn't know you were into that stuff!

Ned Flanders:Well, Homer, when you're about to meet your maker, you realize all that modest living and plain oatmeal don't mean squat. I want to go out with some pizzazz!

Reverend Lovejoy:Get away from me, you heathen beasts!

Reverend Lovejoy:Back, you godless primates!

Reverend Lovejoy:The Lord will smite you, you blasphemous creatures!

Reverend Lovejoy:So there I was, in the Congo, surrounded by three massive baboons with teeth like daggers.

Reverend Lovejoy:I wrestled the first one with my bare hands, and let me tell you, his grip was like a hydraulic press.

Reverend Lovejoy:The second baboon, he was the size of a small car, breathing fire from his nostrils.

Reverend Lovejoy:And the third one? That baboon could speak four languages and was trained in ancient martial arts.

Reverend Lovejoy:I defeated all of them using only a hymnal and my faith in the Lord.