Bart has a crush on his new neighbor, a teenage girl who only has eyes for Jimbo Jones. Bart sets out to prove that Jimbo is not as tough as he seems.
New Kids episode hits 70 jokes in 22 minutes—high volume compensates for uneven execution.
Directed by Wes Archer · Written by Conan O'Brien
WAR
45.5
Wins Above Replacement
“New Kid On The Block” ranks #277 of 552 The Simpsons episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 78.4 — Elite. The episode packs 70 scored jokes at 3.3 per minute, averaging 6.8 on craft and 6.5 on impact, with Homer Simpson landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Grandpa Simpson: I wore a 15-pound beard of bees for that woman, but it just wasn't enough.
Captain McCallister: 'Twas a moonless night, dark as pitch... when out of the mist came a beast more stomach than man.
Barney Gumble: What kind of pathetic drunk Do you take me for? [Gasps] Somebody spilled beer in this ashtray. [Slurps Loudly] Ahh.
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film The Neverending Story.
Marge Simpson: We drove around until 3:00 a.m. looking for another all-you-can-eat fish restaurant. - And when you couldn't find one? - We went fishing. [Sobbing]
All Jokes — 70 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Homer Simpson: D'oh! [Homer's signature exclamation after crashing car]
Ron (TV character): Well, that's a tough one, 'cause I did the deed with Uta, Candy and Shasta.
Ron (TV character): But I'm gonna have to go with Shasta... 'cause she liked makin' bacon on the beach.
Homer Simpson: Ahhh, bacon. [Homer's dreamy response to hearing 'bacon']
Mrs. Winfield · Homer Simpson: could you please wear pants? - Mmm, no.
Mrs. Winfield · Homer Simpson: could you please take in your jack-o'-lanterns from past Halloweens? - Mmm, no.
Homer Simpson: Wha-- Hey, moose! Shoo! Yeah, I'm talkin' to you! Get off my lawn, now!
Homer Simpson: Okay, Homer, stay calm. just quietly get this stuff inside your house.
Homer Simpson: Maybe I'm not getting enough... estrogen.
Marge Simpson · Homer Simpson: But I think I'm allergic to seafood. The last time I ate shrimp, my throat closed up, and I went into convulsions. - Mmm, shrimp.
Homer Reaction Beat Character Comedy Homer Simpson: Now, I don't know much about haggling or bargaining... so why don't we just agree to pay whatever the Winfields want?
Bart Simpson · Lisa Simpson: This is where the Winfields hid their mutated son. - Bart, the Winfields didn't have a son. - See that sock over there? It was his only friend.
Bart Simpson: [Thinking] She's beautiful. Say something clever. - I fell on my bottom. - [Thinking] D'oh!
Laura Powers: My upbringing was painfully strict, ma'am.
Mrs. Powers · Homer Simpson: especially after that Time cover story, 'America's Worst City.' - You could see our house in that photo.
Mrs. Powers: They're so sweet when you marry them. But soon, it's just career, career, career.
Homer Simpson: My hammock! Do you understand? Mine! Don't look that way!
Bart Simpson: How'd you like a Hertz donut? - Hurts, don't it?
Kearney · Laura Powers: Hey, baby! How about puttin' your finger in my ear? - Well, I don't know. Your boyfriend looks like the jealous type.
Jimbo Jones · Kearney: Hey, what the-- - That chick's messin' with our minds. Let's get out of here.
Laura Powers: Oh, man. You're gonna be rich! [spits in hand] There's your mansion. There's the tennis court. And there's the swimming pool.
Laura: Oh, man. You're gonna be rich! There's your mansion. There's the tennis court. And there's the swimming pool.
Bart Simpson: I'll never wash this hand again.
Bart Simpson: Sorry, Lise. I no longer control the hand. The hand controls me!
Unknown character: Sorry, this isn't Abbie. This is her sister. I look after her now.
Homer Simpson: I wore my extra-loose pants for nothing. Nothing!
Bart Simpson: Oh, I get it. 'Bart, the babysitter's here.' 'Let me tuck you in.'
Bart Simpson: Maybe it's time I wash my hand.
Homer Simpson: That's it! Whoo-hoo! I'm glad one of us remembered. That could have been embarrassing.
Mrs. Powers: After all, Homer, I do have the normal appetites.
Homer Simpson · Mrs. Powers: just let me make sure we're not talking about food. - I'm not. - Right. Me neither. We're talking about sex, right? - Right.
Bart Simpson: Hey, sometimes a guy just likes his skin to look its yellowest.
Unknown TV characters: Sometimes I think you want to fail! Shut up. just shut up!
Laura Powers: Take your kaftab'Sounieh and dip it in the labneh. Now, that is good labneh.
Laura: We used to eat this when my dad was stationed in 'Vandihar.'
Laura Wordplay/Pun Observational Marge Simpson · Waiter: What about the bread? Does that have much fish in it? - Yes.
Marge Simpson · Waiter: Well, I have some Tic Tacs in my purse-- - Excellent choice.
Laura Powers · Bart Simpson: just follow me. Put your hand on my hip. [Voice Cracking] Okay.
Captain McCallister: That man ate all our shrimp and two plastic lobsters! 'Tis no man. 'Tis a remorseless eating machine. Arr!
Homer Simpson · Marge Simpson: I'm like that guy, that Spanish guy. You know, he fought the windmills. - Don Quixote? - No, that's not it. What's his name? 'The Man of La Mancha.' - Don Quixote. - No!
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film The Neverending Story.
Lionel Hutz: Homer, I don't use the word 'hero' very often. But you are the greatest hero in American history.
Lionel Hutz: Homer, I don't use the word 'hero' very often. But you are the greatest hero in American history.
Old Man · Bart Simpson: Hey, can your grandfather do this? [Karate Yells] - Oh!
Grandpa Simpson: I had a crush on the oldest woman. 120 years old, she was. Here's a picture of her delivering Eubie Blake.
Grandpa Simpson: I wore a 15-pound beard of bees for that woman, but it just wasn't enough.
Homer Simpson: Ooh! 'Mostly Mozart' is in town.
Young Homer · Zookeeper: [Monkeys Chittering] Zookeeper! Zookeeper! Those two monkeys are killing each other! - They're having sex. - Oh?
Homer Simpson: Son, a woman is a lot like, um... a refrigerator. They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice and-- Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer.
Homer Simpson: They smell good. They look good. You'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman.
Laura · Bart: You know that dead body they found behind the mayor's house? - Jimbo killed him? - No, but he poked him with a stick.
Laura Powers · Bart Simpson: You know that dead body they found behind the mayor's house? - Jimbo killed him? - No, but he poked him with a stick.
Bart Simpson: [Echoing] Just a kid. Just a kid.
Homer Simpson: I married her! [Homer laughing at his own joke]
Captain McCallister: 'Twas a moonless night, dark as pitch... when out of the mist came a beast more stomach than man.
Court worker: 18,000 letters all addressed to 'Santa Claus.' - You want 'The People of Springfield versus Kris Kringle.' That's next door.
Court Officer · Judge: 18,000 letters all addressed to 'Santa Claus.' - You want 'The People of Springfield versus Kris Kringle.' That's next door.
Prosecutor · Marge: Mrs. Simpson, isn't it true your husband once consumed a 10-pound bag of flour when no other food was available? - Yes, but it was--
Marge Simpson: We drove around until 3:00 a.m. looking for another all-you-can-eat fish restaurant. - And when you couldn't find one? - We went fishing. [Sobbing]
Carnival barker · Crowd: Come see 'Bottomless Pete,' nature's cruelest mistake. - Oh, he's hideous! - I heard they shaved a gorilla.
Moe Szyslak: No, this is... Bo's Cavern.
Moe Szyslak: Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss! Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?
Barney Gumble: Maybe your standards are too high.
Bart Simpson: My name is Jimbo Jones, and I live at 1094 Evergreen Terrace.
Barney Gumble: What kind of pathetic drunk Do you take me for? [Gasps] Somebody spilled beer in this ashtray. [Slurps Loudly] Ahh.
Moe Szyslak: I wasn't really gonna kill ya. I was just gonna cut ya. [Sobbing Continues]
Laura Powers: You know, if you were only old enough to grow a bad teenage mustache... I'd go out with you in a second.
Moe Szyslak: Ivana Tinkle. just a sec. Ivana Tinkle. Ivana Tinkle! All right, everybody, put down your glasses. Ivana Tinkle.
Bart · Moe: Hello, I'd like to speak to Miss Tinkle, first name... Ivana. Ivana Tinkle. just a sec. Ivana Tinkle. Ivana Tinkle! All right, everybody, put down your glasses. Ivana Tinkle.
Bart Moe Setup/Punchline Escalation Callback Top Episodes — The Simpsons