Father Knows Worst

Carnival Vendor:Hot dogs, not so hot dogs! Cold and droopy!

Carnival Vendor:Fried dough! America's worst legal food!

Homer:Never leaves your body! The Truth in Boardwalking Law has really done a number on this place.

Carnival Game Operator:Shoot an oversized basketball into an undersized hoop! It's impossible! The prizes have been here for 50 years!

Bart:I could juggle six pins if they let me use a unicycle.

Street Performer:Are you insane? You can't throw a little boy into my cascade. Stop tossing kids!

Homer:Finally, I can have fun with something I bought for myself! A new water heater.

Homer:Five more water heaters, and we get a free water heater!

Homer:It's like a sauna in here. It is a sauna, in here.

Moe:My invitation didn't say nothing about no towels, so, I guess we should all just go Scandinavian.

Homer:Maybe I'll keep this to myself for a while.

Vendor · Bart · Homer:Chicken kebab! Fire kebab! - Dad, no! - Dad, yes!

Homer:Why... you... little... Burn, Barty, burn!

Doctor · Marge:It may put something of a cramp in your lovemaking. No, it won't... if he wants me to do something, he'll write it down.

Homer · Marge:Is it complimentary? Yeah, sure, it's complimentary. It is? Hey, everybody, check out my compliment!

Homer · Doctor:I held up two for 'peely'! I thought that was a 'Y,' for 'Yanky.' I'll make a note in your chart that you aren't always clear.

Homer:Too much cherry! Lemon. That'll stop the cherry.

Doctor:Well, I do have an idea, but just to be sure, let's run some expensive tests.

Marge:That'll be our Christmas card, this year.

Homer:I can't eat tacos? Oh, my God. What day of Mayo is it? Cinco.

Marge:Try these beets. I boiled all the red out.

Homer:I still taste overtones of pink!

Lisa:It feels like food, but it has no flavor whatsoever! It's mac and cheese from the school cafeteria.

Lunch Lady:chili con cottage cheese, pecan blandies, cream of steam, you guess 'ems...

Old Comedy Writer:Old comedy writers who now have to work at our kitchen. The one rule we had on Charles in Charge, is Charles must always be in charge.

Homer:I'm big and yellow and I'm servin' Jell-O. If you're a fellow and you want some Jell-O, you better bellow 'Hey, big guy, give me some Jell-O.'

Homer:No Jell-O for you, Bart. It'll keep you up at night.

Old Man · Homer:I used to date your daughter. Buddy, I'm here to eat, not make interesting conversation.

Bart:It's bad enough I have to be here three days a week.

Noah's Dad:Hi, Homer Simpson. Mind if I sit near your son? Mine sucks.

Noah's Dad · Noah:Noah, state capitals: alphabetical order, on my clap! Albany! Annapolis! Atlanta! Augusta! Austin! Baton Rouge! Bismarck! Boise! Boston! Capital City! Carson City!

Homer · Noah's Dad:He's terrified of you. That's why I'm here: to make sure he gets good grades.

Homer:Isn't that why we pay school teachers those enormous salaries?

Noah's Dad:Well, call me over-involved, but someday, your son will be my son's chauffeur.

Homer:Well, I hope your son enjoys being driven around by the president of the United States.

Noah's Dad:Really? What the future president's doing right now.

Noah's Dad:You don't see many presidents doing that. Maybe L.B.J. at the end.

Noah's Dad · Homer:It's 'helicopter parenting.' I don't have to 'helicopter' Bart. I've got a backup plan called 'Lisa.'

Noah's Dad:Sure, she's smart, but how can she be successful if she's not popular?

Girl at lunch:Well, we're having cold shoulder.

Homer:My God! My son's a loser and my daughter's a loner!

Homer:No time. I'll deduce where you were from a list of possibilities in my head.

Marge · Homer:Don't you usually worries about stuff? Do I?

Homer:Help me, mayonnaise!

Homer:A thousand dollars?! That's what my house is worth!

Homer:Too obvious. Got to be something from Earth.

Homer:I did it! I helped my son! Helicopter Homer away!

Homer:Black Hawk down! Black Hawk down!

Marge:Sweetie, our country was founded by a clique: the Continental Congress. Dolphins swim in cliques.

Marge:It takes a lot of courage to wear suspenders when you're not in the circus.

Rat:You saying my clothes are clown-like? I feel so insecure. Please be my friend.

Marge:There's also envy-tations, hate-hugs, spamming with faint praise

Popular Girl:I didn't mean 'everyone' everyone.

Marge:And that, my dear girl, is called the Toledo Take-back.

Lisa:I'm a big girl! I'm a big girl!

Store Owner:Son, you buy an awful lot of airplane glue, but you never buy any models.

Principal Skinner:It's like saying, 'I don't care. My kid's a loser.'

Other Parents:You've got to be crazy! Prepare to be frustrated! You won't get past the north transept!

Bart:Blabby's gonna build an Abbey. Groovy.

Marge:'Ant poison'? Why do I always read the labels after?

Marge:Everything to make those hundred-dollar phones look like five-dollar toys.

Lisa:I've never been called 'fierce' before. 'Strident.' 'Hectoring' has been tossed around.

Homer · Bart:A little further back. Do you want me to watch and learn? Naw, that kind of creeps me out.

Homer:That's not Henry the Seventh, it's Henry the Sixth! Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Homer · Geoffrey Chaucer:Geoffrey Chaucer?! What are you doing here? Well, I'm buried here.

Oscar Wilde:There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Oscar Wilde:Experience is simply the name we give to our mistakes.

Homer:Whatever happened to 'boo?'

Homer · Bart:Now we could smash the real Westminster Abbey it looks like this. There are no flights to London till 5:00.

Principal Skinner · Someone:He said your show. I watched it once!

Judge:The only entry that repels my eye enough to be constructed by a student is this one.

Homer:In your face, losers! This helicopter is taking off!

Bart:I didn't make this terrible model. My dad did.

Lisa:'I H-8 this?'

Lisa:These girls are nice on the surface, but it's hard work staying this shallow.

Homer · Marge:A light bulb is either on or it's off. Not if you use a dimmer switch. That's what the dimmer switch companies want you to think.

Homer · Marge:The mattress the dog sleeps on in the cellar? No, I gave that to the homeless shelter. It was stuffed with cash!

Homer:I feel like I've died and gone to Hell.