A Milhouse Divided

Homer:I can't see the TV through my plate!

Homer:Why don't you just eat directly over the sink? That way all the crumbs and stuff go right down the drain.

Marge:Homer, that's how animals eat.

Homer:Exactly! And they never have to do dishes.

Marge:Homer, you can't wear a t-shirt to dinner at the Fancybox Restaurant!

Homer:Why not? I wear t-shirts to the Kwik-E-Mart all the time.

Marge:That's different! The Fancybox is a fancy restaurant!

Homer:Marge, Marge, Marge. It's just like a hotel - you go in, you eat, you leave. What's the difference?

Marge:Well, hello there. How are you doing today? I do hope you're having a pleasant afternoon.

Marge:Oh, shut up! Nobody cares what you think, you idiot!

Marge:Is this what you pictured for married life?

Homer:Well, it's pretty much what I expected, except for one thing.

Marge:What's that?

Homer:No Scooby-Doo adventures.

Marge:I'm thinking of throwing a dinner party.

Homer:A dinner party? But what if I burp?

Homer:Marge, this party is a disaster! Nobody's having fun, the food is cold, and the decorations look like they were done by a blind person.

Marge:Homer, I did my best! I stayed up all night planning this. I'm so stressed I can taste colors and see sounds!

Homer:Well, maybe if you'd actually paid attention instead of just—

Marge:I'm at my wit's end, Homer. I'm so desperate right now I'd let Barney organize the next party if it meant I could get five minutes of peace!

Bart:Whoa, check it out. They're selling 'gently used' kitchen knives. That's just a fancy way of saying they're used. I could say my skateboard is 'gently used,' but that would be a load of crap.

Marge:We can't afford an expensive punch bowl.

Marge:We'll just return it to the store and say it was defective.

Reverend Lovejoy:My coat was stolen at the interfaith banquet.

Reverend Lovejoy:So I stole the Rabbi's coat.

Helen Lovejoy:I bought this fur coat at an estate sale for only fifty dollars!

Helen Lovejoy:I think to myself, 'A fur is forever'... but not if you get it on clearance!

Homer:Hey, did you know Woody Allen makes movies?

Marge:Yes, Homer, we know who Woody Allen is.

Homer:Well, I just found out he's that nervous guy in all of them! I thought it was a different actor each time!

Kirk Van Houten:Why couldn't they just throw pancakes at the car? I'd scrape those off!

Homer:You know, I've been married a long time, and I've learned that the key to a successful marriage is... never, ever admit you're wrong. And if she's upset, just buy her something shiny and tell her it's her fault for making you do it.

Ned Flanders:Well, Marge, this casserole is so delicious, it'd make a great last meal for a condemned man.

Marge:Uh... thanks, Ned?

Ned Flanders:Yep, I'd happily go to the electric chair after eating this! Bring on the execution!

Homer:Charades? I'm terrible at charades. Last time I played, I had to act out 'head-scratcher' and I just stood there scratching my head while eating a pork chop. Marge said, 'That's not a head-scratcher, that's a pork chop-scratcher!'

Dr. Hibbert:Well, cornstarch has many medical applications. Why, just last week I used it to treat a patient's skin condition.

Dr. Hibbert:Of course, it's also quite useful in the kitchen. I myself use it as a thickening agent in my gravies.

Kirk Van Houten:A cat would understand this better than you, Luann.

Luann:Well, maybe if you went to a real college instead of that fake one on the internet, you'd be better at charades.

Kirk Van Houten:I can't draw dignity. I don't have any dignity.

Kirk Van Houten:My wife took it all in the divorce.

Reverend Lovejoy:Now Kirk, let's talk about this calmly.

Kirk Van Houten:Shut up, Silly-head!

Kirk Van Houten:I've been fired from every job I've ever had. I live in my car. And yes, I carry a purse.

Luann Van Houten:Dad went from being voted 'Most Likely to Succeed' in high school to being tied for sixth in his own family.

Luann Van Houten:You know what? I'm tired of pretending! In front of all these people, I'm just going to say it!

Kirk Van Houten:Luann, no! Not here!

Luann Van Houten:Yes, here! Everyone needs to know that you've been—

Marge Simpson:Oh my...

Luann Van Houten:—sneaking Funyuns and hiding the bags in the garage!

Kirk Van Houten:It's a door!

Bart:Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is you're all gonna live!

Luann:Well, I'm getting divorced, but my nails look amazing!

Homer:Well, I thought that went great! Marge loved the meatloaf, the kids only broke two things, and Marge is filing for divorce, which means... free time!

Marge:This is all my fault. I should have known better than to serve those fortune cookies.

Marge:Mine said 'You will soon be crushed by a large object.' How is that supposed to be fortunate?!

Homer:Don't worry, Marge. It's not your fault.

Marge:Really?

Homer:No, it's my fault for not stopping you.

Nelson:Wait, Milhouse's parents are getting divorced? Ha-ha!

Nelson:Actually, no, that's sad. I feel bad for the little guy.

Bart's classmate:My parents got divorced because my mom was addicted to cough drops. My dad said her breath was always too fresh, and he couldn't stand kissing someone whose mouth tasted like menthol and eucalyptus all the time. He said it ruined the romance.

Bart:Yeah, I'm over it. I'm sleeping in the couch now.

Kirk Van Houten:I got a racing car bed! Do you have a racing car bed?

Homer:I have a bed with wheels on it, but that's because I'm fat.

Kirk:I sleep in a racing car bed. Do you?

Homer:I sleep in an actual car.

Homer:It's parked in my garage.

Kirk Van Houten:Why don't we just leave it here? It'll be Arby's problem.

Mr. Burns:You're fired, Van Houten. Single people don't eat crackers.

Kirk:But sir, I've been with the company for—

Mr. Burns:Crackers are a family food. A single man eating crackers alone in his apartment? That's not marketing, that's a cry for help.

Kirk:My boss said 'So long, good luck!'

Mr. Burns:I said 'So long.' The luck you have to find for yourself.

Milhouse:Wait, aren't you Chase Windom from the TV show 'Arrest-a-Lot'?

Chase:Yeah, that's right.

Milhouse:You're my hero! I watched that show every day after school!

Homer:Ahhhhh! Help! My back!

Chase:Walk it off.

Chase:You see, that's the problem with amateurs — no respect for the fundamentals.

Homer:But you're the one who told me to jump off the roof!

Chase:Exactly. A professional would have died properly.

Homer:I sat through three hours of a man talking to himself. If I wanted that, I'd stay home and listen to Marge.

Marge:Homer!

Starla:Kirk, honey, can I borrow the car keys?

Kirk:Sure, but where are you going?

Starla:I need to drive to the store to return some things.

Kirk:What things?

Starla:My ex-husbands.

Homer:The pathetic, desperate song title

Kirk:Boy, marriage sure didn't last long. One minute you're saying 'I do,' and the next minute you're eating government cheese directly from the block.

Kirk Van Houten:One minute you're married, the next thing you know, you're eating ketchup and mustard sandwiches at 3 AM standing over the sink.

Homer:Our marriage is on solid ground. We have routine. We wake up, I go to work, come home, have a beer, fall asleep in front of the TV. It's like clockwork.

Marge:Homer, that's not what keeps a marriage together.

Homer:Are you kidding? That routine is the glue that holds us together. Without it, we'd probably get divorced.

Homer:Marge, I've got this marriage thing down to a science. I know exactly what to do to keep you happy.

Marge:Really? What's that?

Homer:Well, I just do the opposite of what Kirk Van Houten does.

Marge:That's... actually not a bad strategy.

Homer:Yeah, Kirk's always messing things up with women. If I just do the opposite of him, I can't lose!

Homer:Lisa, you can't tell your mother about the underground poker game!

Lisa:Dad, Mom's known about it for years. She just pretends not to.

Homer:Marge, I love you. Now, is that shrimp?

Homer:Levis? Oh boy, I thought you said 'leave us!' I was wondering why that truck was telling us to go away on our honeymoon.

Homer:Whoooosh... whoooosh... the soothing sounds of the ocean...

Homer:Arrr, matey! Shiver me timbers! Avast ye scallywags!

Marge:Homer, what are you doing with those scissors?

Homer:It's a romantic gesture, Marge. I'm giving you a makeover.

Marge:Homer, no! You're going to ruin my hair!

Homer:Too late. But look on the bright side - now you look like Moe!

Homer:How many husbands surprise their wives with a new haircut?

Marge:None! No sensible husband would ever do that!

Court Clerk:That'll be $50.

Homer:$50? But we've been married for years!

Court Clerk:Yeah, well, it's $50 to get married and $50 to get divorced. We're very consistent.

Homer:We need to have a second wedding to rekindle the romance in our marriage.

Marge:Homer, that's actually a sweet idea.

Homer:Well, there's just one thing. I already divorced you to make it more authentic.

Homer:Marge, I wanted our wedding to be really authentic, so I actually got us divorced first!

Marge:Homer, that's the dumbest thing you've ever done.

Homer:But honey, now when we say 'I do' again, it'll mean something!

Homer:Ah, finally! Single life at last. Time to enjoy all the pleasures I've been missing.

Homer:BUUUURP!

Reverend Lovejoy:Do you take Marge to be your wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health?

Homer:Yep. But I'd like to make one small change. How about 'in thickness and in health'?

Reverend Lovejoy:Do you, Homer, take Marge to be your wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer?

Homer:Poorer! Definitely poorer.

Reverend Lovejoy:Do you, Homer Jay Simpson, take Marge Bouvier to be your lawful wife, to have and to hold from this day forward?

Homer:I do.

Reverend Lovejoy:And do you promise to love, cherish, and respect her in sickness and in health?

Homer:Absolutely. I also promise to boldly go where no man has gone before, and to seek out new life forms and new civilizations.

Reverend Lovejoy:Homer, those are the vows of a Starfleet officer.

Homer:And I solemnly swear to protect the galaxy from the evil Emperor Zorg and his minions.

Band Leader:We're very excited to have the surviving member of the Bee Gees performing tonight.

Guest:Wait, which one?

Band Leader:All of them.

Kirk Van Houten:So... can I at least have my blender back?