Missionary Impossible

Homer:D'oh! [Screams]

Marge · Homer:You're watching PBS? - Hey, I'm as surprised as you...

Homer:It's about a hard-drinking yet loving family of soccer hooligans. If they're not having a go with a bird... they're having a row with a wanker. Cheeky.

Homer:Classic. Not hard to see why it's England's longest-running series.

Betty White:you're a thief- a common thief!

Betty White:Sorry, but these thieves make me so damn mad. You know who you are. Thieves!

Announcer:Or this umbrella, featuring a picture of our classic tote bag.

Homer:Why are you torturing me? I'm just a man!

Homer:Well, why didn't you say so? Yes, I'd like to pledge $10,000... to get them to shut up. From... anonymous. Done and done.

Homer:Aw, how they gonna find me?

Announcer:But thanks to Insta-Trace... we've learned it's Homer Simpson of 742 Evergreen Terrace.

Homer:Why did I register with Insta-Trace?

Homer · Bart:That's it, boy! Go get help. [Bart swings away]

Marge:They don't show police chases, do they?

Homer:especially now, when the rich mosaic of cable programming... has made public television so very, very unnecessary.

Homer:Maybe your movie star banks are open crazy hours... but we in Springfield are simple folk. We like our cars fast and our banks closed.

Homer:Yeah. It's a real ghost town in there. Get in there.

Bank Teller · Homer:'You are on television. Please play along.' Are you robbing me?

Homer:I can't do it. I can't kill a man.

PBS Representative:And you thought you could stab your problems away? Silly goose.

Homer · PBS Enforcers:The hooligans! Bash his eyes out!

PBS Enforcer:It's a beautiful day to kick your ass!

Homer:Sanctuary! Sanctuary!

Reverend Lovejoy:Oh, why did I teach him that word?

Homer:Their bloodthirsty pursuit is made possible by a grant from the Chubb Group.

PBS Enforcer:Give us the money! Elmo knows where you live.

PBS enforcers:Give us the money! - Elmo knows where you live.

Reverend Lovejoy · Homer:The word is 'drive.' Sure, sure. Bob's your uncle.

Reverend Lovejoy:Nothing to see here, people. Just headed down to the dump with these children's letters to God.

Homer:I'm no missionary. I don't even believe in 'Jebus.'

Homer:Oh, save me, Jebus!

Marge:Micro-Asia? That's 12,000 miles away.

Marge:He's dead, isn't he?

Homer:Homer to Jebus. [Moans]

Craig · Homer:First of all, forget everything you learned in missionary school. Done.

Homer:Me Homer. Me hiding from PBS.

Native:We cannot read.

Homer:Does the word 'jet lag' mean anything to you people?

Homer:Hey, what happened to all the shirtless girls... you see in all the geographical magazines?

Native:Craig and Amy gave us the gift of shame.

Native · Homer:All the naked women are on that island. Yeah, anything goes over there. Bouncy, bouncy.

Homer:Great. Now my testicle's got ants on it.

Homer:I'm gonna call you Lisa Jr.

Homer:Craig and Amy, Craig and Amy. Why don't you just marry Craig and Amy?

Homer:Oh, man, I need a beer.

Homer · Natives:Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! [Together] Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

Marge · Homer:You've only been gone two days. Really? Without TV it's hard to know... when one day begins and the other ends.

Marge:I just don't think it's funny.

Homer:Bart, you're the man of the house. Lisa, I'm promoting you to boy. Maggie's now the brainy girl. Toaster can fill in for Maggie. And, Marge, you're a consultant.

Homer:I got some civilization to spread like butter... on the English muffin that is these people... with all their little nooks and crannies.

Lisa · Homer:Dad, are you licking toads? I'm not not licking toads.

Homer:Like this, from the book of... 'P-salms.'

Homer:Well, not the Unitarians. If that's the one true faith, I'll eat my hat.

Homer:Well, Ak, it's because God is powerful, but also insecure- like Barbra Streisand before James Brolin. Oh, he's been a rock.

Homer:Now, if The Flintstones has taught us anything... it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement.

Homer:Come on, little friend. Make a wisecrack. You know- 'It's a living.' That sort of thing.

Mr. Burns:In 10 short years you've caused 17 meltdowns. One is too many.

Mr. Burns:You sold weapons-grade plutonium to the Iraqis- with no markup.

Mr. Burns:And worst of all... you took the Hamburglar's birthday off last Monday and Wednesday.

Homer:The magic medicine of... casino gambling!

Homer:Now over here I've brewed up my favorite beverage. Beer. It's mostly Dristan and holy water, but it does the job.

Homer:And who knows? Maybe you'll hit the jackpot, get off this island... and spend the rest of your days in a tropical paradise.

Native:How can ace be one and 11? Huh? What kind of god would allow that?

Homer:I gave you a glittering Vegas and you turned it into a scanty Atlantic City.

Native:I don't even like macaroni salad... but look at me! [Chomping]

Native:Our island has not been this damaged since the A-bomb tests.

Marge · Bart:That's it, Bart. You're taking this 'man of the house' thing too far. You're right. I'm sorry. Tell you what. Saturday night, we'll go out for steaks- just you and me.

Native · Homer:Since when? Since I got here. Now either grab a stone or go to hell.

Homer:Well, I may not know much about God... but I have to say, we built a pretty nice cage for him.

Native:And I'm in a gambling program. For real this time.

Homer:Every Sunday for the rest of our lives. [Laughs] No, really.

Homer:But God's palace is way up on the moon. So if you want him to hear us... we've gotta crank up the volume.

Homer:Homer's doin' your work! I'm the greatest missionary of all time!

Homer:I'm the greatest missionary of all time!

Narrator:Oh, that Homer- always getting into trouble. And if you're one of the millions who enjoys his adventures- or should I say misadventures-

Betty White · Announcer:Sure, Fox makes a fortune from advertising... but it's still not enough. Not nearly enough!

Rupert Murdoch:Hello! Murdoch here. $10,000! You've saved my network. Wouldn't be the first time.