The Pta Disbands

Otto:Yeah, well this bus may be falling apart, but you should've seen the last one!

Student:Wait, how is THIS an improvement?

Otto:The last bus didn't have wheels, man. We just dragged it.

Student:Look at the floor of this bus!

Student:There's a hole in it!

Bus Driver:That's not a hole, that's a window to the road.

Edna Krabappel:There's a hole in the roof where the children play.

Seymour Skinner:Yes, well, we can fix that. Though I doubt it'll improve test scores. The exhaust fumes from the parking lot probably do more damage anyway.

Tour Guide:And this Civil War cannon has been fully restored and is ready to fire.

Tour Guide:We aim it at the elementary school.

Tour Guide:Now, this cannon is completely safe. We've removed all the cannonballs for safety reasons.

Tour Guide:So feel free to stand right in front of it.

Homer:Wow!

Tour Guide:Of course, we still keep it loaded, just in case.

Otto:Whoa! Three dollars for mints?

Admission Person:New ownership.

Otto:Dude!

Principal Valiant:As you can see, I've won seventeen Princi Awards for educational excellence.

Skinner:Princi Awards? Those things are rigged. I could win one if I wanted to.

Principal Valiant:Oh really? When was the last time you won one?

Skinner:Well, I... I just don't enter because the whole system is corrupt.

Tour Guide:And here we see the barracks of the 47th regiment, also known as the 'Pretty Boys.' They spent most of their time grooming themselves and admiring their reflections in the creek rather than engaging in actual combat.

Tour Guide:We can't accept their surrender. We're too brave.

Homer Simpson:Yeah, and besides, one of them looks sick.

Tour Guide:And that's when Colonel Hapnik made his famous heroic charge against the surrendering enemy forces.

Homer:Heroic? They were on their knees praying!

Tour Guide:Yes, heroic.

Student:I can't tell which soldiers are which!

Teacher:Well, the blue uniforms are the Union and the gray uniforms are the Confederates.

Student:No, I mean I can only distinguish them by body type.

Tour Guide:And here we have our state-of-the-art educational materials.

Bart:So we can just take these home and learn?

Tour Guide:Well, no. That would be theft.

Lisa:But education should be free!

Tour Guide:Not in Springfield.

Otto:Whoa, man! I shouldn't have eaten that mint!

Otto:Now I can't see through the windshield!

Edna Krabappel:Well, Seymour, if you spent less on administrative overhead and more on actual education, we wouldn't lose three or four children on every field trip.

Seymour Skinner:We don't lose them, Edna. We just... misplace them temporarily.

Edna Krabappel:Last month, we lost eight.

Edna:Seymour, you've lost another child! That's the third one this week!

Skinner:Well, Mrs. Krabappel, I'm just grateful we have tenure and union protection, or I'd be in serious legal trouble.

Student 1:Hey, what's this brown stuff in your lunch?

Student 2:I don't know, it came from the cafeteria.

Student 1:Well, whatever it is, it smells like the gym floor.

Edna Krabappel:Principal Skinner, the cafeteria food is absolutely inedible. Look at this mystery meat!

Seymour Skinner:Well, Ms. Krabappel, we've had to cut corners. But I've found a solution - we've started adding shredded newspaper to the meals for extra fiber.

Edna Krabappel:Newspaper? That's insane!

Seymour Skinner:It's actually quite nutritious. The ink provides iron, the paper provides roughage, and the classifieds section teaches the children about the job market.

Skinner:That newspaper was a mistake. It won't happen again.

Lunchlady Doris:Oh, there's much worse things than newspaper in the food.

Skinner:Like what?

Lunchlady Doris:Well, I once found a gym mat in the mashed potatoes. But don't worry, there's very little meat in it.

Edna Krabappel:I always wonder what becomes of my students. Do they go on to great things?

Principal Skinner:Some of them, yes. But most will settle into mediocrity, squandering their potential in dead-end jobs and failed relationships.

Edna Krabappel:Well, that's... depressing.

Principal Skinner:Not if you lower your expectations. Then it's actually quite pleasant.

Skinner:Now, I want each of you to think about your future. Some of you will go to college, some to trade school, and the rest of you will probably end up in prison or dead.

Skinner:But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try your hardest! So I'm challenging each and every one of you to prove that you're not a complete waste of our school's resources.

Student:If we don't get milk in the cafeteria, I'll get brittle bones.

Student:Wait, how do you say that word? Melk?

Edna Krabappel:Principal Skinner, this pointer is completely worn down. I can barely see the tip anymore.

Seymour Skinner:Well, Mrs. Krabappel, have you considered just pointing with your finger? It's free and quite effective.

Edna Krabappel:Principal Skinner, all the banned books have been removed from the library. We have nothing left to teach with.

Principal Skinner:Nonsense, Ms. Krabappel. We still have these science fiction pulp magazines. I've made them part of the essential curriculum.

Edna Krabappel:But sir, these are just cheap sci-fi schlock.

Principal Skinner:Exactly. The children need to understand that in space, no one can hear you scream. That's a valuable life lesson.

Bart:Oh no, the school's closing? That's terrible! I love school so much!

Skinner:Really, Bart? I'm shocked to hear you say that.

Bart:Yeah, I'm gonna miss all the learning and the rules and being told what to do all day long.

Bart:I told Principal Skinner you said wearing a cape makes you a better teacher.

Edna:I never said that! That's ridiculous.

Bart:And I told you Miss Krabappel said Superman does his laundry in a phone booth because it keeps the lint off his cape.

Skinner:Why would anyone say that?

Edna:It doesn't even make sense!

Bart:That's the beauty of it.

Skinner:Bart Simpson, you're a troubled boy. But I see a spark of potential in you—a drive to succeed, to push boundaries, to question authority in a healthy way.

Bart:Uh, thanks, Principal Skinner.

Skinner:You're going places, son. I predict you'll be a great leader someday—perhaps even a principal yourself.

Edna Krabappel:That's it! I've had it with this school, this job, and this town! I'm going to take my credentials, my lesson plans, and my dignity, and I'm going to find a place that actually values education!

Student:Could someone please help me?

Student 1:Mr. Largo isn't here today.

Student 2:What do we do in music class without a teacher?

Student 1:I guess we can finally listen to the forbidden music.

Student 2:Forbidden music? What's that?

Student 1:Rock and roll.

Student:Finally, Mr. Largo is gone!

Seymour Skinner:I'm still here.

Student:We know, Principal Skinner.

Bart:No school? All right! A permanent vacation!

Lisa:But Bart, without education, you'll never get into a good college.

Bart:College? Lisa, I'm looking at a permanent vacation here. Who needs college?

Marge:Bart, you need to think about your future.

Bart:Future, schmooture! School's closed forever! Ay caramba!

Bart:Ay caramba!

Marge:Now children, I'm your substitute teacher today. Does anyone have any questions?

Bart:Yeah, Mrs. Simpson. What's for lunch?

Marge:We'll discuss that later, Bart. Anyone else?

Lisa:Can we go to the library?

Marge:The library? Why would you want to go there when you could be learning here? Does anyone else have questions?

Ralph:I'm hungry.

Marge:Ralph, we just talked about this. Now, does anyone have ANY other questions?

Marge:Bart, you put that crowbar down this instant! That's breaking and entering!

Bart:Mom, we're not even inside yet.

Marge:Well, it's still illegal! It's... it's breaking and entering-adjacent!

Bart:Alright, tear down that wall!

Bart:Now knock out the supports!

Bart:Okay, now blow up the entire foundation!

Bart:Actually, let's just demolish the whole building and salt the earth so nothing can ever grow there again!

Bart:Okay, construction dude, I want you to build a solid wall around the school.

Construction Worker:You got it, kid.

Construction Worker:Hey, wait a minute... who made you the boss of me?

Arcade Patron:Wow, Milhouse! You're playing five chess games at once!

Milhouse:Yeah, I'm pretty good at multitasking.

Arcade Patron:You just lost all five.

Milhouse:I'm also good at losing.

Homer:A strike? This is a disaster! How am I supposed to drop Lisa off at school if the teachers aren't there?

Lisa:Dad, the teachers are striking because they haven't had a raise in years. They're fighting for better working conditions.

Homer:Better working conditions? Lisa, if you don't like your job, you just stop going. Problem solved.

Lisa:Oh no, I've missed so much school! My vocabulary is going to suffer!

Lisa:I can't even remember the word for... for... the thing that means you've lost your words!

Lisa:It's like I'm experiencing a total lexical... uh... deficiency!

Lisa:Oh no! I've lost my perspicacity!

Homer:Don't worry, Lisa. You'll always have your stupidity.

Edna Krabappel:We teachers must stand together in solidarity with all unions!

Edna Krabappel:Whether it's the teamsters, the longshoremen, or the professional yodelers of Switzerland—we support them all!

Bart:I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed.

Teacher:That's a wonderful passage, Bart. Where did you find that?

Bart:Martin Luther King, Jr.

Teacher:Excellent. Class, as you can see, the civil rights movement was about...

Bart:And also, we should all eat cubed cheese and do the funky chicken.

Teacher:What?! That's not what Martin Luther King said!

Bart:Prove it.

Teacher:And another thing, Skinner! You can't just make up words like 'cromulent'!

Skinner:But it's a perfectly cromulent word.

Teacher:That's not even a real word!

Bart:Hey Milhouse, want to go do something dangerous?

Milhouse:I can't today, Bart. I have to go home and practice my clarinet.

Bart:Come on, man. Live a little!

Milhouse:I would, but I've scheduled my dangerous activities for next Tuesday at 3 PM.

Milhouse:I haven't seen you in a fortnight!

Bart:A fortnight? Just say two weeks, man.

Milhouse:Oh, I'm sorry for trying to expand my vocabulary.

Doctor:Well, your son has developed carpal tunnel syndrome, obesity, and severe vitamin D deficiency.

Homer:Is there any way to prevent this?

Doctor:Yes. Limit his video game time to one hour per day.

Bart:One hour?! But Doctor, I need at least eight hours just to beat the next level!

Doctor:Then I'm afraid you'll have to choose between your thumbs and your health.

Bank Employee:I'm sorry, we don't have any money left. Everyone's withdrawn their savings.

Homer:What?! But I need my money! I have seventeen dollars in there!

Bank Employee:Sir, that's not even enough to cover your overdraft fees.

Homer:Well, can't you just print some more money?

Bank Employee:That's not how banks work, sir.

Homer:Stupid regulations.

Bank Customer:Wait, so you're telling me that every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings? And every time I make a deposit, my money just disappears into some cosmic void to help other people? That's not a savings account, that's a cult!

Lisa:I need to get back to school. Without academic validation, I'm nothing! Please, I'm begging you, let me return! I can't live like this—I need challenging curriculum, stimulating discussions, the respect of my peers! Without school, my life has no meaning!

Homer:Lisa, you've only been home for three hours.

Lisa:THREE HOURS! Do you understand what that means?

Marge:Homer, I'm worried about Lisa. She's been obsessing over that perpetual motion machine for weeks.

Homer:Marge, it's fine. Even if it works, we'll just ignore it like we do with everything else.

Homer:A perpetual motion machine? That's impossible, Lisa. Everyone knows that violates the laws of thermodynamics.

Lisa:Actually Dad, I've created a working model. It's been running for three weeks without stopping.

Homer:Three weeks? That's a failure. A real perpetual motion machine would run for at least a month.

Marge:Bart, what are you doing up at this hour?

Bart:Good evening, Mother. I trust you are well.

Homer:Good evening, son. I trust your nocturnal avian recreation was most... satisfactory?

Bart:Dad, why are you talking like that?

Homer:I have no idea what you mean. Welcome back to our humble domicile. Your mother has prepared a midnight repast, should you desire sustenance.

Marge:Homer, stop it, you're scaring him.

Lisa:Dad, this is a perpetual motion machine. It violates the laws of thermodynamics.

Homer:Lisa, in this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Ned:Well, I'd say the PTA has really kept this school on the straight and narrow.

Skinner:The PTA is disbanding.

Ned:Oh my stars! Without the PTA, this school will descend into anarchy and chaos!

Ned:Well, more anarchy and chaos than usual anyway.

Skinner:In case of emergency, we have a two-pronged attack plan. First, we unleash the cyborgs.

Skinner:If that doesn't work, we use the neighbors as a backup plan.

Jasper:Well now, let's see here. Talking back to the teacher - that's one paddling. Chewing gum in class - that's two paddlings. Eating cubed cheese instead of sliced - oh, that's a paddling. Looking at me funny - believe it or not, paddling. Paddling. You better believe that's a paddling. Saying 'paddling' - paddling. Saying the word - paddling. Intonation - paddling. A paddling.

Jasper:That's a paddlin'. You talk back, that's a paddlin'. You get smart with me, that's a paddlin'. You get caught paddlin', that's a paddlin'.

Student:Professor Frink, what does this equipment do?

Professor Frink:Well, it's a quantum flux capacitor. But I wouldn't expect you to understand the complexities of subatomic particle acceleration. Most people with your... well, let's call it 'limited background' in physics wouldn't grasp the fundamentals.

Substitute Teacher:Let me take attendance. Butz?

Bart Simpson:Yeah, that's me.

Substitute Teacher:Jassica Nudes?

Lisa Simpson:That's not a real name.

Substitute Teacher:Well, someone's here under that name. Seymour Butts?

Bart Simpson:Here!

Substitute Teacher:Quiet down!

Substitute Teacher:Why is everyone laughing? Is it something I said?

Bart Simpson:We're just laughing at the names on the attendance sheet, sir.

Substitute Teacher:The names? What's so funny about... Oh. Oh no. It's my appearance, isn't it? My bulbous nose? My unfortunate complexion?

Leopold:Alright, listen up! I'm Principal Seymour Skinner, and I'll be taking over this classroom. We're going to have some changes around here. First, all students will address me as 'Sir' or 'Ma'am'. Second, there will be no talking, no laughing, and absolutely no fun of any kind.

Bart:Dude, what happened to Mrs. Krabappel?

Leopold:What did you just say? You're on detention! And detention just got an extra two hours added to it! Anyone else want to test me?

Student:Wait! There's a booby trap!

Marge:Don't worry, I'll disarm it.

Marge:There, all safe now.

Bart:Uh, Mom? There's like fifty more of them.

Student:And there goes the second one!

Marge:Well, I've been teaching long enough to know that putting a tack on the teacher's chair is a time-honored tradition. I simply moved it to the next chair over.

Marge:The students couldn't find Canada on the map.

Homer:Canada? That's easy, it's right next to... uh... well, somewhere up there.

Homer:That's okay, sweetie. You don't need to go to some fancy college to be smart. I mean, look at me. I never went to college, and I turned out... well, I turned out.

Lisa:Dad, that's actually really sweet.

Homer:Besides, Vassar? That's where all those stuck-up rich girls go. You're better than that. You should go to a state school like a normal person. Or community college. Or just stay home and help your mother.

Marge:Not the crawlspace again.

Student:You're not my mother!

Marge:Well, maybe I should be. Kearney, wouldn't you like a nice mother who cares about you?

Kearney:Yeah.

Milhouse:We're like two atoms that can't bond together. Scientifically incompatible.

Bart:No, we're like two atoms that somebody forced together with a hammer.

Skinner:Don't worry, these men are perfectly harmless. They're only here to use our classroom during off-hours.

Prisoner:Hey kid, want to make five bucks?

Bart:Five bucks? Sure!

Skinner:Yes, well, we've solved our budget crisis by converting the school into a minimum-security prison.

Skinner:The inmates will serve as teaching assistants and help round out their rehabilitation through education.

Skinner:For example, these three gentlemen are convicted murderers who will be instructing our advanced geometry class.

Skinner:I find that nothing motivates a student quite like learning calculus from someone who's killed three people.