Carded and Discarded

Lindsay · Mr. Rosso:Do you actually say the words 'hot dog'? / Yes, I do.

Mr. Rosso:A lot of times you might see, maybe you're taking a shower or something, and you go, 'What are these?' 'What's that?'

Mr. Rosso:I'M A BOY OR GIRL, AND I'M A MAN OR WOMAN.

Daniel:That was brutal. I've never hated Alice Cooper as much as I do right now.

Lindsay · Mr. Rosso:You know who didn't go to college? Einstein. Thomas Edison. / [INDULGENT SIGH] / Frank. / Frank who? / The dude who pumps my gas.

Harold:Through the mail? She's lucky that wasn't intercepted by some junkie working for the Post Office.

Lindsay · Harold:So we all sit around the table, and you yell at us? / You do that to us every night.

Harold:When you two were kids, you used to run around naked and lay in bed with us all night. We bathed you, and we cleaned your butts when you pooped. And we loved it.

Harold:We are going to be close from now on, whether you like it or not. We are going to spend quality time together, and we're going to enjoy it, damn it! The Weirs are playing Pit this Friday. Get used to it.

Biology Teacher:Well, that might be Mr. Darwin now.

Biology Teacher:Always room for another head on the chopping block.

Bill · Sam:I saw Ronald Reagan kissing a monkey on TV last night. / On the news? / No, no, no. It was in a movie. He's a pretty good actor. So was the monkey...

Neal:Really? My dad drives a Coup de Ville, so we're practically related.

Sam:Once he ran over an old lady, and then he blamed it on his car. He said the accelerator got stuck.

Maureen · Neal:Our shop teacher got his hair caught in a lathe and then he got his whole scalp torn off and now he has to wear a wig. / Our shop teacher got his pinky cut off by the radial arm saw. And when they tried to sew it back on, it didn't fit anymore. Now everyone calls him Pinky Tuskadero.

Maureen · Sam:But if I start bugging you, please, be sure and let me know. / Oh, don't worry. We'd never let you bug us.

Daniel · Ken:You'd better shut up. / [LAUGHS] Just 'cause you got a fake I.D., don't go lording it over the rest of us.

Lindsay · Kim:This looks exactly like you. / I know. / Except it says you're 24. / So? I look mature. Nobody ever stops me.

Daniel · Ken:[ALL LAUGH] Some stupid bouncer asked what my star sign was. I didn't know, so he snagged it. / Aw. It's Capricorn! Cancer! Capricorn! Oh!

Daniel:Dude, I hate astrology. What, everybody born in the same month is gonna have the same life?

Daniel · Nick · Kim:Well, well, well. I don't know why, but I'm liking her more and more every day. / Join the club. / Ew.

Harris · Lindsay:You should stop by the A.V. room. We just got a new beta machine. / Thank you, Harris. We're very late, though.

Gordon · Harris:Tomorrow's pizza day in the cafeteria. / Yeah. It's made out of real tomato sauce and everything.

Sam:I don't have to be home ever.

Daniel · Howie:We need some fake I.D.s. / Shh. I work here. / Come here. / I mean, we need some slacks.

Howie:Astrology. It's not astrology. It's you, man. It's facts, it's who you're supposed to be. June--Cancer, Libra--October, Capricorn--December. Know it. 1958. You are them.

Howie:A chick with money. You got good taste, Stretch.

Neal · Bill:Had to bring the big rocket, didn't you? / What? So I got a big rocket. What am I supposed to do, cut it in half?

Neal · Bill · Sam:She is beautiful. I can't believe she's gonna hang out with us. / What if I'm asleep right now and this is just a dream, and any moment Maureen and I are gonna make love? / Ew. / Then what are we doing here? / Maybe this is my nightmare.

Maureen · Bill:God, Bill, your rocket's huge. / Oh, it is? I hadn't noticed.

Kim · Lindsay:Yeah, but you're definitely more than friends. / I don't know. We only kissed once, and it's not-- It's not a big deal.

Nick · Daniel:We're not into labelling things, you know? We have a more mature relationship than that. / Let's just say we have an understanding. / Well, I'm glad you have an understanding, 'cause I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

Bill · Sam:She's the kind of woman you could cut the cheese in front of. / Oh, yeah, Bill, that's what love is all about. / It is. I mean, you couldn't be in love with someone if you couldn't.

Neal:What do you think you do, get up and run outside every time you have to let one rip? You'd never get any sleep.

Bill · Neal:You see the way she looks at me? She can barely contain herself. / You just happen to be looking at her every time she's thinking about me.

Sam · Bill:The same way we decided who had to stand in line for The Empire Strikes Back tickets. / I'll get the hat.

Harold · Jean:Did you know that in some cultures, if your children shame you, you're allowed to have them executed? / Well, I feel shamed. / Oh, Harold.

Jean · Harold:Honey, it's like that old saying-- If you love something, set it free. Maybe if we try not to force it, they'll come to us. / Well, all right. There you go. They're free. Let 'em free. Let 'em go. [LAUGHS] See? / Get back here.

Bill · Sam:I'm the happiest man in the world. / Oh, great, Bill. Now you can go and fart in front of her. You'll make quite the impression.

Neal · Sam:Wait a minute. He wet his paper with spit. What? That's how he wins every time. He just feels for the wet one.

Sam · Neal · Bill:Wait a minute. He wet his paper with spit. / What? / That's how he wins every time. He just feels for the wet one. / Mrs. Maureen Haverchuck. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think? Ha ha.

Mr. Rosso:I heard the words, but your eyes said something else. They said, 'I'm lost. I need your help. Don't listen to me. Guide me.'

Mr. Rosso:Tell you what. Why don't I just come and visit you then in the prison-- where you'll be living-- and give you some really good advice, like should you get shanked in the yard or the dining hall? When you have your baby, which prison guard should take care of it? That kind of thing.

Sam:We'll see her in a week, and she'll be all... [SCREECHING]

Eli · Vicki:Three's Company is the best show on TV. / Oh? Oh... / Really? / Yes. The Ropers don't want Jack living with 2 girls because he doesn't want any dirty stuff going on in--in his apartment building.

Daniel · Howie:Who the hell is 'Jesus H. Garcia'? / It's Hey-Zeus. It's your new identity. / Tell me that picture doesn't look like you. / This picture doesn't look like me, man.

Lindsay · Kim · Howie:Mine looks kinda Chinese. / Yeah. Hey, mine looks Chinese, too. / What's going on with that? / Whoa, whoa, whoa. There's a big Vietnamese community up there in Alberta.

Howie:It's hard to find matches for you guys. No one in Canada looks like you.

Bill:Yeah. I like it when it's been sitting around for a while, and it gets that skin on the top. Heh.

Millie · Lindsay:Do you want a fake I.D.? So you can go get loaded? / No, Millie, I just wanna hear this band play. / That's why there's records.

Lindsay · Millie:I heard the drinking age is something like 10 in Idaho. / Well, I don't think that's right.

Toby · Daniel:DON'T PLAY WITH THAT ROOSTER! DON'T PLAY WITH THAT ROOSTER. THAT'S NOT A NICE, PETTY-PET ROOSTER. / I'm sorry. / NO. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'LL BE SORRY. VERY DANGEROUS.

Toby:I got a green thumb. Don't worry about it.

Toby:You can't just go into a store and buy one like it's a toaster. Only corporations have that stuff. It's very expensive.

Harris · Sam:There's only one thing that could compete with the Vicki Appleby party. / All-u-can-eat night at the Iron Horse Restaurant. / Of course. So obvious.

Toby · Lindsay:When we were kids, you were really cute, but, I mean, I never thought you would turn out this hot. / You go to McKinley? / MM-HMM. / It's a pretty good school. I went there. I almost graduated from there a few years ago.

Daniel · Toby · Lindsay:Hey, you know, actually, she's my girlfriend, man, so do you think maybe you could stop hitting on her? / No, no she's not. / Yeah, I am his girlfriend.

Toby:I don't need to ask. I could just get it from my cousin Millie, you know? I was just being polite.

Toby:Did I? I think so. 100 each.

Lindsay · Toby:So, was I left back one year. / Well, I know. But still, it wouldn't make you 18. / All right, I was left back twice. Ok, are you happy now? There's no secrets between us.

Lindsay · Toby:18, that makes me jail bait. / Hey! You better watch out. I'm gonna call the cops on you. Officer, I didn't know, look at her, she looks like she's 30. / AHH! No I don't!

Harold · Jean:Nobody's home. / You wanna have a little sex? / Sex?

Bill · Sam · Neal:My mom says that it takes a little while for your stomach to tell your brain its full. So you should eat really fast. / Yeah, but the only problem is, the service is really slow. / Yeah, they take forever on purpose, so you'll get full while you wait. / Watch how much bread they bring us.

Bill · Waitress:So, I hear service here is really bad 'cause you don't want us to eat much. / What? I don't own the place. I don't care how much you eat. / Are you sure? / No, actually, I'm a millionaire and I just do this for fun.

Bouncer · Daniel:Where's your mustache, Jesus? / It's Hay-Soos, and I shaved it. / Too bad. You looked better with it. / Gracias. / Señor.

Lindsay · Bouncer:Do you want to see my I.D.? / No, you're good.

Bouncer:Those I.D.s look nuts! Business must be pretty bad if we're supposed to let them in.

Mr. Rosso:All the way from McKinley High School, we've got the key members of another smokin' band we like to call 'Creation.' Daniel Desario, Ken Miller, Nick Andopolis, Kim Kelly, and their manager, Miss Lindsay Weir.

Mr. Rosso · Band:I can't let you serve our guests plain old beer. Why don't you bring them some of your finest pop, on the house. / OH, I GOT THOSE UNDER-AGE DRINKING BLUES.

Maureen · Sam · Bill · Neal:Hey, guys. Um, hey, do you mind if I go over and sit with those guys today? / No, no, not at all. / Do you want to come and sit with me? Over there? / Yeah, I mean, you don't have to sit here forever if you don't want to. / Yeah, but we like it here. / Yeah, go have fun with your friends. We'll be here if you need us.

Neal · Maureen:Just remember, the jocks are only after one thing. And be careful around Vicki. She's a wolf in sheep's clothing. And remember, don't believe everything they say about people in the school. 'Cause they don't always take the time to get to know everyone. / Guys, I'm just sitting 3 tables over, I'm not moving back to Florida.

Harris · Sam · Bill:Did you guys happen to see Three's Company last night? [LAUGHS] It was so funny. / What happened? / I don't really remember, there was a lot going on. / Oh. / Joyce DeWitt is really hot. If I was Jack, I'd have a very hard time choosing between the 2 lovely ladies on the show because, you know, one's a brunette, one's a blonde,

Bill:If I was Jack, I'd have a very hard time choosing between the 2 lovely ladies on the show because, you know, one's a brunette, one's a blonde,