Charlie's Mom Has Cancer

Charlie:We don't talk, and it's good that way.

Mac:Ooh, talky, talky, talky, talky, talky.

Charlie's Mom:Um, I have cancer.

Charlie:Yeah, but I got to... I'm sorry. What?

Charlie:But how? You don't even smoke.

Dee:How many pairs of shoes have you lost this month, Frank?

Frank:Three.

Dee:Hmm?

Frank:Four.

Frank:The point is my mind is as sharp as a... what do you call it? Um, it's a... Knife? No, uh, what you put... What you... What you...

Charlie:That didn't sound very genuine.

Mac:No. Sorry. What was I supposed to do?

Mac:I think the cancer thing, for whatever reason, is just not... You know, it's just not grabbing me right now.

Charlie:My mom is dying!

Mac:Okay, calm down, calm down.

Charlie:My mom has a doctor that can cure the cancer for 4,200 bucks, so no big deal.

Frank:Thumbtack.

What?

Frank:Thumbtack. We were talking about things that earlier that were sharp, and a thumbtack is sharp.

Mac:Dr. Jinx is the name of a monkey, not a man.

Charlie:He lives in a garage?

Dr. Jinx:When most people think of a doctor, they don't think of a black man living in a garage surrounded by houseplants.

Mac:I normally think Asian.

Dennis:Yeah, or I think of an Indian guy.

Charlie:Or white.

Mac:Middle Eastern. Pretty much anything other than black.

Dr. Jinx:Well, that's not eczema. What you have there, my friend, that's sailor's rot.

Dr. Jinx:When was the last time you've been to Haiti?

Mac:Never. I've never been to... I've been to Kensington.

Dennis:Do you have anything from the Mother Earth that would be sprayed on me and cause me to have feelings again 'cause I'm having trouble feeling things.

Mac:I think he sprayed me with Miracle-Gro.

Charlie:Oh, she keeps a cigarette burning out on the steps outside, so she's gonna go hack a butt.

Mac:This is a scam, okay? This is a scam. It's kneeling, standing, getting people all confused.

Psychic John:I'm getting a Fa... No, I'm getting a Ba... No, I'm getting a Da... Dennis?

Dee:Dennis!

Psychic John:Is it?

Dee:Yes, yeah, no, I'm seeing that.

Frank:Ha-- I was just out buying new shoes and I remembered I didn't want to give you that hundred bucks.

Psychic John:Yeah, and then you called me and you said you changed your mind and you'd like to give me another hundred, so where is it?

Frank:I did?

Psychic John:Yeah.

Frank:Ah, shit.

Psychic John:You have a pork chop bone in your left pocket; you have 57 cents in your right, and you clipped someone's side mirror while parking in a handicap spot.

Frank:Can you conjure the dead? Can you get my dead whore wife back here so I can lay into her from the other side?

Psychic John:I am feeling as if she is still living somewhere in the city with a small Mexican dog.

Dennis:You're telling me that you believe that Christ comes back to life every Sunday in the form of a bowl of crackers, and then you proceed to just eat the man?

Charlie:Hey, guys, look at this. My rash is almost completely cleared up.

Dennis:Oh, my God.

Mac:Whoa.

Charlie:Yeah, look at that. Whatever he sprayed on me worked.

Priest:Charlie, my mother is dying of cancer and you need money to fix a statue?

Charlie:No, no, no, no, don't give me this act.

Priest:Charlie, calm down.

Charlie:No, no, no, why don't you give us some money, okay?

Mac:It's the Holy Trinity: beef and beer and Jesus.

Charlie:Aw, there's a dead dog in there!

Mac:Gross!

Frank:That's not a dog. That's my toupee, my blond toupee. I used to wear this in Miami.

Mac:Padre! So good to see you. So good of you to come.

Priest:Oh... Yeah, right on, right on.

Mac:Well, it's for a good cause, isn't it? So... have some beef, have some beer. And if you feel the calling, you know, go ahead and pop that ring in the donation bucket. Although I know you won't.

Charlie:Mom, you want people to feel sorry for you, right? Then they give a lot of money. And you just don't look that sick. You gotta look sicker.

Charlie's Mom:But I feel like it's lying.

Dennis:Oh, it's not lying, Mrs. Kelly, because you are dying of cancer.

Charlie:Yeah.

Dennis:It's devouring your insides.

Dennis:It's about whether or not we're dumb enough to believe in it that matters.

Dennis:Do you feel the invisible things around you that don't really exist? Oh, it doesn't matter!

Charlie:Dennis, that was amazing, dude. I am so proud of you. You are feeling again.

Dennis:No. I meant none of it.

Charlie's Mom:As you know, I'm as sick as a three-legged dog on the streets of India.

Charlie's Mom:Any minute, my lungs are going to sizzle, pop, and disintegrate into a liquid lung and organ gumbo soup.

Charlie's Mom:Give me money. Money me. Money now. Me a money needing a lot now.

Charlie's Mom:We're the ones that broke the Virgin Mary statue.

Dr. Jinx:I never actually said I was a doctor.

Charlie:He is the goddamn church gardener.

Dr. Jinx:You had my back up against the wall, I had to spray you with a heavy dose of pesticide.

Mac:Dennis. Dennis!

Frank:Mom's alive. She faked her own death to steal Frank's money, and we think it's buried in her grave.

Charlie:Ah, shit! No! No! Mommy, Mommy!

Frank:Ah! I grifted ya!

Charlie:What are you talking about?

Frank:I paid off the psychic. I buried the money in the dog grave. My mommy, my mommy's a skeleton!

Charlie:You made me dig up my dead mother because I said you were losing it?

Frank:Score one for the old people. Ha ha!