Morty Seinfeld

- Are you getting that? - I thought you were getting it. - Should I pick up? - Do you want me to get that? - I'll get it. - I'll get it.

You know what my greatest moment was, don't you? In 1946, I went to work for Harry Flemming... ...and I came up with the idea for the beltless trench coat.

I don't even know them. What is she, your second cousin? I mean, I met them three times in my life. I don't know her either. She made me fly from Florida for this, and then she criticizes my jacket.

I just hope that whole pony incident didn't put a damper on the trip. Oh, don't be ridiculous. It was a misunderstanding. Hey, I agree with him. Nobody likes a kid with a pony.

You know what this means? We lost the supersaver. Those tickets are nonrefundable. She just had a checkup. The doctor said she was fine. Unless... What? What? Nothing.

You know what that flight will cost us? It was an innocent comment. I didn't know she had a pony. Maybe we could get an Army transport flight. They got a base in Sarasota, I think.

You got your degree. They don't care. They just wanna see something.

You don't understand. I've never paid full fare.

What happened to the Scotch tape? Who takes the Scotch tape? Nobody returns anything around here.

Know what I'll do next time? I'll hide it so nobody can find it.

We waited 35 minutes in the rent-a-car place. I don't know why. We would have picked you up.

How much is a rent-a-car? I don't know, 25 bucks a day. What? Oh, you're crazy. Plus the insurance.

Why should I be comfortable? Don't worry. He's comfortable. I'll sleep standing up. I'll be fine.

Why do you need more friends? You've got plenty of friends.

I owe you $19.45. What did you have? You had the minute steak. Yeah. Did you have a Coke or what? I did not have a Coke.

All right, make it 20 bucks. It's $19.45, Morty. $19.45?

Take the pen. Oh, no. Go ahead. I couldn't. Take it. I can't take it. Do me a personal favor. No, I'm not comfortable. I cannot take it. Take the pen. Are you sure? I'm positive. Take the pen.

What did you take his pen for? He gave it to me. But you didn't have to take it.

Should I have said I didn't like it? You shouldn't have said anything. He could have said, 'Thank you,' and put it back in his pocket.

Jack can afford to give away a pen with all his money, believe me. He gives me a check for $19.45. He didn't have a Coke.

Hey, it writes upside down. Yeah.

I don't even know how to work it. I keep telling her it's like an oven in here.

Don't be alarmed. Oh, my God. What the hell happened to you?

My capillaries burst. Do you know what you look like?

You know, Jack, you got a hell of a nerve taking that kid's pen. This happens to be my pen. He practically begged me for it.

Of course I wanted it! I love sponge cake. Who said you couldn't have it? Because I saw the look on your face last week when I took the Scotch tape.

So you got the Scotch tape. I've been looking all over for it. I'll give it back. I don't want it. I don't want it!

Tell them about when you took my son's pen back. Tell them about that. He gave my son a pen, and then he takes it back.

All I said was, 'I like the pen!'

How could you eat fish on a plane? / Because she puts up a stink every time I have a piece of meat.

Believe me, they're all crooks.

That's it for this piece of junk. I've had it.

Over my dead body, Jerry. I'm telling you right now... you're not gonna do it.

They're good around the house, and they're good for outside.

Maybe some people don't like him. I can see that.

Look at this. It's a book.

You stick up for that sofa like I'm criticizing a person.

That's it. Here, you got my name, you got my address. That's enough.

Look, if I did that in my business, I wouldn't have made a nickel.

I can't stand Velcro. That tearing sound. I used to be in raincoats. I refused to put that in any of my lines.

He stole my wallet. The bum stole my wallet. My wallet's gone! My wallet's gone!

I had $225 in there. / I don't see how that happened. / Oh, you don't see. You don't see. Well, it happened. Believe me.

I wanna know what kind of office this is where you can't leave your pants.

I'll be lying on an x-ray table with my wallet in my mouth.

George turned it down. - He turned it down? - Why did he do that? - Because of Ted Danson. - What does he have to do with it? - Maybe he doesn't like Ted Danson.

Let me see if I understand this. In other words, you held out for less money.

The basic idea of negotiation... ...as I understand it is to get your price to go up.

This is how they negotiate... ...in the Bizarro World.

Yeah, or if ever on Fifth Avenue here in New York City.

What plans? We have plans. Where did you get plans? We have plans.

He's from the Impressionist school, you know...like Monet, Manet, Tippy-tippy-day-day.

So I took out my belt, just to threaten him...and I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

Jack, it's Morty. Who died?

He looks better on TV.

The whole movie was in black and white. Oh, yeah, I didn't even realize.

All right, let's compromise. Twenty-five percent. Okay, it's a deal.

Yeah, or if ever on Fifth Avenue here in New York City. You can get some there.

What happens if the husband dies after the wife? Who brings the clothing in then? I suppose the children do. Yes, I suppose they do.

Don't you think he had to be nearsighted? Nobody would paint like that if they could see. It's all out of focus. He's from the Impressionist school, you know, like Monet, Manet, Tippy-tippy-day-day.

The Executive was a classic. These haven't been made in 20 years. Why would they? Nobody bought them then.

So I took out my belt, just to threaten him, and I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

Who died? Nobody died. Jack, I want you to do me a big favour.

What'd you think of the black and white? The black and white? The whole movie was in black and white. Oh, yeah, I didn't even realise.

All right, let's compromise. Twenty-five percent. Okay, it's a deal.

Look, I got a few good years left. If I want a Chip Ahoy, I'm having it.

Why can't I buy my father a car? - Your father doesn't need a car. - Yes, I do. - Oh, Morty. - We're keeping it. - Over my dead body.

My seat's got a memory, in case somebody moves it. I could be in prison for years. I come out, my seat goes back to where I like it.

Do I have to take a ride? - He doesn't wanna take a ride. - What do you think, I've never ridden in a Cadillac? Believe me, I have ridden in a Cadillac hundreds of times. - Thousands.

Morty Seinfeld has been stealing funds from the treasury. - Stealing? - What proof do you have? - Proof? You want proof? He's driving around in a brand-new Cadillac.

We all saw his act last year at the playhouse. He's lucky he can pay his rent. - Jack's right. He stinks. - It's his material.

They're a dime a dozen. - Oh, hi, Jerry. Mrs. Choate, this is my son, Jerry. - Give me that rye. - Stop it. - Help! Someone help! - Shut up, you old bag. - Thief! Stop him! Stop him, he's got my rye!

It's him. It's your son. Now I know where I saw him. He stole my marble rye. - My son never stole anything. He's a good boy. - They should lock him up. Like father, like son.

Are you telling me there's not one condo available in Del Boca Vista? That's right. They went like hotcakes. How'd you get yours? Got lucky. Are you trying to keep us out of Del Boca Vista?

Yeah, that Def Jam is a force.

This dry air is curing me like a Black Forest ham.

I know a couple of Chinamen over on 43rd Street that will do it for half that.

Cheap fabric and dim lighting: That's how you move merchandise.