Not With My Pig You Dont

Will:What is the highest recognition a self-made Black professional can receive? A raise!

Hilary:Is it a cash award?

Philip:Hilary, don't be so shortsighted. This award is an honor which leads to prestige... which leads to cash.

Will:The only time you're on the streets is when you're waiting for the valet to bring your car around.

Will:Seems to me every place you go, trouble follows.

Will:All that and he still found time to vote for Reagan. Twice.

Hilary:Reporter? Photographer? New dress.

Hilary:Daddy, this is wonderful. Two new dresses.

Ashley:Great. Grandma and Grandpa are coming to visit. Toys.

Will:Come on, Ash. Less like George Michael, more like Hammer. Come on.

Will:That's it. Baby, you got to put some more butt into it.

Joe (Grandpa):I don't know, Hattie. He don't look like the devil incarnate.

Will · Hattie:Zeke? ... Hey, Uncle Zeke.

Will:Am I tripping, or does this remind you of the last episode of Family Ties?

Joe:When you sent that money, me and my buddy Leroy went down to the dry goods store and we each got a suit, a fishing rod, and some radial tires.

Hattie:One pound of lard, four handfuls poke greens, and a big old slab of fatback. Now, if it comes to more than $1, they're cheating you.

Will:Have mercy!

Hattie:He would strip down to his birthday suit and dive right in.

Hattie:He just loved his skinny-dipping, him and Melvin.

Will · Hattie:So, Melvin was like his best friend? Melvin was his pig.

Will · Hattie:Are any of them humiliating stories? The best ones are.

Will · Hattie:How did you see me? Mama knows.

Hattie · Will:How much is a little? Let's just say I went out after I was supposed to be in.

Hattie:I don't know what you all got that Geoffrey for.

Will:Uncle Phil's adopted, right?

Hattie:Won it four years running. They had to retire his slop bucket.

Will:Slop bucket? I can't wait till he wakes up.

Hattie:They told him to leave, but little Zeke just stood his ground.

Will:What is this, the von Trapp family?

Carlton:Sorry, Dad. All of Grandma's pies last night and waffles this morning. I just crashed. I've got the sugar blues. I'm this close to a crying jag.

Reporter · Hilary:Your father sent a picture in already. Am I in it? Yes, you are. Am I pretty?

Philip:Well, I really don't like to blow my own horn. Growing up on the mean streets of Baltimore, Maryland...

Ashley:remained active in the field of civil rights culminating in his crowning achievement in 1975 when he was elected to the board of the ASPCA.

Reporter:ASPCA?

Will:After living in Bel-Air, it was great to spend time at Disneyland to get back to reality.

Will:Dull? Sweetheart, that's one thing my uncle is not. Max out, lady. I got a couple of stories for you.

Geoffrey:Madam, the press is made up of a very low type of person. You see what they've done to Fergie.

Philip (reading):Known to his barnyard companions as Zeke, Banks is no stranger to accolades. This ex-hog-handler slopped his way to the top with the help of his trusted companion Melvin the pig.

Will:Hey, Uncle Zeke. I got your 100 black and whites.

Hattie:Will, honey... run.

Hattie:Where I come from they call that being ashamed... Mr. Big Shot!

Hattie:We don't want to be a bother. We'll just hang on to these empty plates.

Joe:We don't want to impose. We'll just fade into the background.

Joe:Got any okra casserole?

Hattie:To hear him tell it, he just sprung full-grown from the ground and we had nothing to do with it.

Joe:Yes, he just sprung up like a big old eggplant.

Stranger:You're the hog-slopping lawyer. I saw your picture in the paper this morning. Is Melvin going to be here tonight?

Philip:No, Melvin eschews these type of events. I'm the same way.

Will:Uncle Phil, your plaid golf shorts make you look like a fool. Those stories make you look great.

Will:I mean, look, Uncle Phil, it's just like Rosa Parks. When she sat in the front of the bus, she wasn't doing it to prove a point either. She did it 'cause her feet hurt.

Philip:Will, there's something you have to learn. Sometimes parents just don't understand.

Will:I hope he mentions his pig.