Home Is Where The Heart Attack Is

Will:I heard the doctor say he thinks Uncle Phil might have Dunlap syndrome... Mean his belly done lapped over his belt.

Carlton:Hold on a minute. I'll have you know my father is not fat. He's just big-boned. Larger than life.

Will:Yeah, he's also larger than the Volvo.

Carlton · Will:Cholesterol is gathering in his arteries... stopping the blood flow like rush-hour gridlock. Hold it, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

Carlton · Will:Dad will probably outlive all of us. Only if he eats us first.

Phil:Oh, did I tell you? I went in on a racehorse.

Will · Phil · Will:I mean, hey, I'm getting tired of the fat jokes myself. What is wrong with you people? I weigh the same thing I weighed in high school. Yeah, if you add up all four years.

Will:Guess I'm not getting as tired of those fat jokes as I thought, huh?

Carlton · Hilary:Where are you going? Shooting the rapids at Dead Man's Falls... But Trevor died doing a bungee jump. I know. I'm working up to that.

Will · Hilary:Whoa, whoa, Hil. That's not your parachute. That's my book bag. That would've been embarrassing.

Carlton · Will:I'm supposed to imagine myself 20 years from now. No wonder you're so depressed.

Will:You are little Carlton.

Will:Your wife? Oh, this is science fiction.

Geoffrey:You probably don't recognize it without a thick coating of batter and gravy.

Phil:I can't give up my favorite foods cold turkey with... Oh, my God. Turkey. With pillowy mounds of mashed potatoes...

Ashley:Put your hands up. Step away from the chips.

Geoffrey · Ashley:And doing a wonderful job, I might add. Shut up, Geoffrey.

Phil:Ashley hid the remote control, so I have to walk to the TV.

Phil:You know, I'd give anything for a cheeseburger, Will. Anything. Why, I might even finance your little trip to Mexico.

Uncle Phil:Ashley has spies at every fast food restaurant for miles.

Phil · Will:Well, I'll make a New Year's resolution, and by March... February... Well, you have my solemn vow. And that's this New Year's, right?

Hilary:My therapist was right. You just aren't nurturing enough.

Phil · Vivian:Doesn't my word mean anything to you? Of course it does, darling. Better call the Chinese restaurants too.

Phil · Will:You got the stuff? Right here. You got the money? You take a check?

Will:It's good to see you're not wasting time chewing.

Will · Phil:Relieves cramps, bloating and irritability. Oh, no, no, this is Geoffrey's.

EMT:Don't worry, he's my fourth heart attack today... and I already lost one of them. A two-death day is rare.

EMT:Could be because you're leaning on his air hose.

Will:I'm staying with you till the end. That was a really poor choice of words. I'm sorry, Uncle Phil.

Will:We gonna go for plenty rides in ambulances, man... you gonna be all right, Uncle Phil.

EMT · Will:Well, if I say he is and he croaks, you're gonna be upset, right? You're a real people person, aren't you? I guess.

EMT:Hey, if he still wants to stop for a burger... I can get Troy to swing by the drive-through. With the siren on, we don't have to wait in line.

Will:I hate to interrupt this guilt-fest... but I think I have to take the rap for this one.

Will:I mean, the fried rice had bean sprouts in it.

Will · Random Patient · Will:Uncle Phil, what are you doing there? I had a heart attack, Will. Hey, how come you didn't tell me you weren't my uncle, man?

Random Patient:Well, nobody ever comes to visit me. I crave the attention.

Random Patient:Will, see if he's gonna finish his IV.

Random Patient:Yeah, I got a son. He don't come to visit me either.

Doctor:Not Kevorkian. Kevarkian with an A.

Will:Carlton's a little bigger, wears a bow tie.

Will · Carlton:Don't be stupid, Carlton. What are you doing? Cleaning the oven. What's your problem? It says right here on the label to let foam sit for 45 minutes. My hands are tied.

Carlton:You come near me, I'll spray.

Carlton · Will:You don't understand, Will. Yes, I do. You're selfish.

Doctor:Call me Russell. I'm on break now. You wanna go downstairs and have an early breakfast?

Doctor · Hilary:Oh, look at that, I'm being beeped. I didn't hear any beep.

Phil:Yeah... cheesecake is my kryptonite.

Random Patient:Hey, Superman, ask junior to get me a bedpan.

Will:Hey, Uncle Phil, bet you never thought... you'd get a standing O in this house?

Will:You was probably worried about just seeing this kitchen again, right? I'm sorry, that's a leftover fat joke. I'm tripping.

Will:I'll cover all bets on that one.

Ashley:Oh, by the way, I dented the Mercedes.

Vivian:And if you ever do anything to scare me like that again, I'll kill you.

Will · Phil:Oh, man, we don't have no remote. Sure we do. Geoffrey!