Marty Funkhouser

Funkhouser:Oh, they've been gone for about 24 hours. The party was last night.

Funkhouser:1000 pick-up sticks... I go get the sticks, I throw them all over the room and we pick up the sticks.

Funkhouser:We're going into the living room and we're gonna play 'The Newlywed Game.'

Funkhouser:If you could have sex with one of your friends' wives or girlfriends, who would it be?

Funkhouser:I've gotta go with my little poofer.

Funkhouser · Larry:Why did you take the balls home?... I didn't know they were balls.

Funkhouser · Larry:The party was yesterday... Oh, you're kidding me.

Funkhouser · Larry:I'm an orphan. You're a what? I'm an orphan. Orphan? Yeah, an orphan! You're a little too old to be an orphan.

Larry · Funkhouser:You could be 70 and be an orphan? You could be 100 and be an orphan! You can't be 100 and be an orphan. Yeah, you can! Okay. Little Orphan Funkhouser.

Larry · Funkhouser:Look, there's a little drip. Get it! Oh, another drip! Got it!

Funkhouser · Larry:Taking off my shoe. What?! I got money in the shoe.

Funkhouser · Larry:Take the $50! No, I don't want it. I'd really rather not. I don't want that 50 from your sweaty disgusting sock and sneaker.

Funkhouser:Someone stole flowers that were marking the spot where my mother was hit in her wheelchair.

Funkhouser:I keep track of it. I drive by there 10 times a day.

Funkhouser · Larry:There they are. I knew it! Where'd you get the flowers? Where'd you get those?

Larry · Funkhouser:They wouldn't take the 50 at the flower store! How could you do that?! Why? There are so many of them. So many of them?! They're not there to pick!

Funkhouser:I am missing one! Where's the third bunch? There were three bouquets.

Funkhouser · Larry:If you weren't my best friend, I would take my bare hands and pop your head off your neck. He's not my best friend.

Jeff · Funkhouser:You want the flowers? Take the fucking flowers!

Funkhouser · Larry:They should all stand up. That's what flowers do when they're healthy. Stop picking up the petals, okay?

Funkhouser:He runs around the house all day naked, chasing himself, playing tag.

Funkhouser:I raised money. I don't walk.

Funkhouser:I ordered chicken salad? I don't even like chicken salad.

Larry · Funkhouser:visit her? what, are you kidding? / why, you didn't mean it? / of course not! / an empty gesture. it was something to say.

Funkhouser:Look at her shoes before she calls your name. Don't look at her in the eyes.

Funkhouser:I guess i wasn't invited. I can't believe that.

Funkhouser · Larry · Jeff:No wonder she was singing 'I love the fat boy.' / I couldn't figure it out. / I love the fat boy.

Funkhouser · Larry:Guess who's getting a divorce. What? Martin Norton Funkhouser. Really? And it's because of you!

Funkhouser:I went through a bit of a midlife crisis and I rededicated my life to judaism. I had a lot of schpilkas in my life and I didn't realize it.

Funkhouser:I'm living under a mitzvah. You have none of that.

Funkhouser · Ilene:She's an adult when she turns 13 or learns to make her first latkes. L.O.L.

Funkhouser:You know, I thought all last night, if rabin can break bread with Arafat, I can have chicken at this anti-semitic shithole.

Funkhouser:Don't you ever touch that. Don't ever grab my yarmulke, ever. How dare you?! Don't ever touch my yarmulke.

Larry · Funkhouser:You're koufaxing us? Well, if you're saying that your best player is unable to play because it's the sabbath, yes, I'm koufaxing you.

Larry · Kenny · Funkhouser · Leon:The pickle jar struggle and Kenny's injury

Funkhouser · Larry:Pickle jar hero analysis: 'Why did you have to fight him for the pickle?! You tried to open that pickle jar just like I did! Everybody wants to be a pickle jar hero.'

Funkhouser:Funkhouser's masturbation explanation: 'The way he relaxes is the way all men relax. It's called ejaculation... This is his ejaculator'

Larry · Funkhouser:Masturbation ambidexterity discussion: 'Can you go to your left?' 'No, nobody can'

Larry · Funkhouser:It's a 'go home' stain, you know what I mean? It was the fork. I think it was the ketchup. Let's not argue over this.

Larry · Funkhouser:You're looking at a man with an 'A' on his shirt... for 'apology.' Is that so? Yes. I'm sorry for the other day.

Larry · Funkhouser:I'm sorry for leaving early. I don't mind you leaving early, but I think the proper apology would be to say, 'I'm sorry. Here's $250 for the champagne.' That's a cash apology.

Larry · Funkhouser:My apology is from the heart. That's something that means something. Why do you come to the office to apologize without offering the money? Because I felt bad! If you feel bad, you offer the money!

Funkhouser:Funkhouser's revelation: 'You did accidentally kill my family. My nephew... was killed by the bulls, and it was your fault!'

Funkhouser:Funkhouser's colonoscopy report: 'I had a colonoscopy. Clean as a whistle.'

Funkhouser:Funkhouser's epic apology: 'Oh, I'm so sorry. I can't begin to apologize enough. I know I'm late, and I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm so... sorry! It's horrible! What can I say to make it good? ... I feel like getting down on my knees. I don't know what else to do!'