Palestinian Chicken

Larry:Is there anything more pathetic than a cowering, emasculated Jew who has to run home to his wife?

Larry · Jeff:Imagine how he'd be if he was married to Susie. He'd have pee stains on his pants constantly.

Larry:He has no balls. I have a solid single ball.

Larry · Jeff:Yeah, they do not like the Jews. Look at that one.

Larry:What these people should do is send their chicken over to Israel. For the peace process. They'd take down all those settlements in the morning.

Larry:This would be a fantastic place for Jews who are cheating on their spouses to come to. Because no Jews ever come here. They'd be so safe.

Larry · Jeff:Could be the next Mrs. David. If by some chance she's gonna get over her anti-semitism, odds are not with you, no.

Larry · Jeff:You're always attracted to someone who doesn't want you, right? Well, here you have somebody who not only doesn't want you, doesn't even acknowledge your right to exist... Wants your destruction. That's a turn-on.

Larry:I challenged myself to just use mirrors and it didn't work.

Jeff:What do you think this is, the firecracker 400? It's a driveway.

Funkhouser:I went through a bit of a midlife crisis and I rededicated my life to judaism. I had a lot of schpilkas in my life and I didn't realize it.

Funkhouser:I'm living under a mitzvah. You have none of that.

Larry:It's a dinner party for adults. Hey, dinner's up.

Larry:Oh, you can't? Really? Watch this. Mmm.

Ilene:L.O.L., Jeff. L.O.L.

Susie:How in the world, can they dare open up a palestinian chicken restaurant next to the sacred land of that deli?

Juliet · Larry:Wow, Larry. They're not-- they're not cold. Do you want me to warm them up for you?

Larry:A woman goes to a gynecologist. He says, 'get up on the table, put your feet in the stirrups and spread your legs wide.' He goes, 'my God, Mrs. Johnson, you've got a big vagina.'

Jeff · Larry:What's the matter with you? Telling a joke like that in front of her. She's an adult. She can come to an adult dinner party. If she's an adult, why can't she hear a dirty joke?

Funkhouser · Ilene:She's an adult when she turns 13 or learns to make her first latkes. L.O.L.

Larry · Juliet:You told me specifically not to let you have any dessert. I appreciate it, Larry, but I changed my mind. Yes yes yes, but you said 'no matter what,' okay? This is the what.

Juliet · Jeff:Give me the cake! What what what? Larry. Let her have it! It's none of your goddamn business!

Ron · Larry:You just speak your mind, you know? You tell people how you're feeling, what you're thinking-- with the potatoes, for example. How cold were those potatoes, by the way? They were freezing.

Ron:She's like-- she's like Susie's twin sister.

Larry · Ilene:A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone. L.O.L. L.O.L.

Ilene · Larry:Did my pissant husband tell you to do this? No. Yes, he did. No, he did not. Yes, he did.

Jeff:You know, in most countries, you could get somebody killed for $573.

Jeff · Larry:You're a social assassin. So you bungled the hit. What do you know about social assassination? Nothing! I'm the one who named you a social assassin!

Funkhouser:You know, I thought all last night, if rabin can break bread with Arafat, I can have chicken at this anti-semitic shithole.

Larry · Eddie:You're shoving it in their faces. What is this, the raid on Entebbe?

Funkhouser:Don't you ever touch that. Don't ever grab my yarmulke, ever. How dare you?! Don't ever touch my yarmulke.

Shara:A big Jew. Big. A big Jew and you still told him to take off his Jew cap. Thank you, my friend.

Larry · Jeff:Eddie and Ilene? He's cheating on Juliet? Holy shit. Oh my God!

Larry:Eddie and Ilene? He's cheating on Juliet? Holy shit. All right, listen. Juliet is great friends with Susie. If he's cheating on Juliet, I can't be here to see it. I am out of here.

Eddie:Out of all the hummus joints in all the world, you had to walk into mine.

Eddie:The only reason we're here together now is because she had a big fight with Ron, okay? Well, there's always been a lot of tension there, but let's just say this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Eddie:The only reason we're here together now is because she had a big fight with Ron, okay? So she reached out as a friend. We always liked each other and now we like each other a little more. Maybe a lot more.

Eddie:I guess I shouldn't say that here.

Eddie:He doesn't like the way she keeps saying 'L.O.L.' It's a wonderful thing to say. I love when she says 'L.O.L.' That's one of the reasons we're together.

Larry:I think if you didn't want to sleep with her, you wouldn't be so tolerant of that 'L.O.L.'

Larry · Eddie:In other words, no matter what? Huh? No matter what.

Larry:So then he tells me the only reason that they're having this affair was because of the 'L.O.L.' Thing. I drove her to it. I was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Larry · Jeff:I was the straw that broke the camel's back. All marriages have straws. Right, the camel's carrying a lot of straw. That's what a marriage is.

Larry · Jeff:You look like Blofeld. I look like I've got a kitty and we're making evil plans.

Sammi:every time after my mom takes a sip of something, she makes this really obnoxious sound. She smacks her lips together and does this little 'ahh' thing.

Larry · Sammi:Look, I'm flattered, kid, that you would consider me for such a delicate assignment, but I have to tell you I'm-- I'm out of that business. I'm not your man.

Larry · Sammi:You would do that? Try me.

Larry · Sammi:You would do that? Try me.

Larry · Sammi:Boy, you really are your mother's daughter, aren't you? Yeah, now get the fuck out of my driveway, you bald prick.

Shara:Fuck me, you fucking Jew! Filthy Jew. You zionist pig. You occupying fuck. I'm going to fuck the Jew out of you.

Shara · Larry:Fuck me, you fucking Jew! Filthy Jew. You zionist pig. You occupying fuck. Occupy this. I'm going to fuck the Jew out of you.

Larry:This reminds me of something Theodor Herzl once said.

Shara · Larry:Fuck me like Israel fucks my people! Show me the promised land, huh? Labe, son of Nat. Keep my father out of it, will you?

Larry · Shara:Labe, son of Nat. Keep my father out of it, will you?

Larry:'We seek him here, we seek him there, those frenchies seek him everywhere, is he in heaven, is he in hell? That damned elusive pimpernel.'

Jeff · Larry:'Fuck me, Jew bastard'? Yeah, small price to pay for the best sex I've ever had anywhere.

Larry:Let me tell you something. The penis doesn't care about race, creed and color. The penis wants to get to his homeland. It wants to go home.

Larry:Let me tell you something. The penis doesn't care about race, creed and color. The penis wants to get to his homeland. It wants to go home.

Larry · Funkhouser:You're koufaxing us? Well, if you're saying that your best player is unable to play because it's the sabbath, yes, I'm koufaxing you.

Larry:Why don't you go wrap your head in a towel? You're not even a man anymore! Mommy rabbi says don't play, little boy!

Rabbi · Larry:Well, keep that away from me no matter what. Give it to me! You said, 'no matter what'! Give me that! Give me that!

Larry · Susie:Every time you take a sip... You make this noise-- 'ahh.' I'm enjoying it. Eh. It's kinda annoying.

Sammi · Susie:I told Larry to tell you. 'Cause I told him if he didn't tell you then I'd say something about Eddie and Ilene having an affair. What?! Eddie and Ilene are having an affair?!

Susie:L.O.L., honey! L.O.L.! Fuck you!

Protesters:Larry! Come! Join us over here! No, Larry. Come to this side and I'm yours. Larry, I have a sister. You, me and Jasmine-- the three of us.

Shara · Jewish protester:Larry, I have a sister. You, me and Jasmine-- the three of us. All right, that's enough! Just get the fuck over here! Just get the fuck over here. Stop being an idiot.