Jeff Greene

Larry · Jeff:Get me off the speakerphone, please! -Hold on. -Now you're off the speakerphone. -What's wrong with you? I thought this was a private conversation!

Jeff · Larry:I'm writing Kathy Griffin a letter of apology. Why? What did you do? We did nothing to each other... but just every week, I end up writing her an apology letter.

Jeff:Just every week, I end up writing her an apology letter.

Larry · Jeff:'He's a big, fat idiot.' -Big, fat idiot? -Come on. Tell her I'm an idiot, don't say I'm a fat idiot.

Jeff:My dad wants me to drop you as a client! He keeps telling me every day, 'Drop him as a client!'

Larry · Jeff:Because of one stupid little joke I made in the car? -One stupid, little thing. -Because of the gay Jew cousin?

Jeff · Larry:Talk about being ostracized. -Yeah. -Gay Jew in Nazi Germany? -Yeah. -He must have had a hard time. -Yep. What a combo.

Larry · Jeff:I'm not gonna go upstairs. -Whatever, you know, it's your business. You wanna, you wanna, you don't, you don't. I can't make you.

Jeff:Who doesn't come up to look at another man's kid?

Jeff · Hostess:He was one of the creators of Seinfeld. -So what, right? Okay, big deal, fine.

Jeff's father · Jeff's mother · Jeff:I love to see a black owner, black entrepreneurship. -What does that mean? -What do you mean?

Jeff:I need you to get them out of there... if something happens to me

Larry · Jeff:Try not to die. Thank you.

Jeff:Let me explain something to you. I can't give you everything about her.

Larry · Jeff:Did she have an attitude, or is it my imagination? She had an attitude. Big time.

Larry · Jeff · Cheryl:I sponsored a kid from the inner city to go to summer camp. You sponsored an inner-city kid? An underprivileged kid. You're kidding. No. I'm completely nonplussed. Is that the right word?

Larry · Jeff:If you're gonna be a maniac, pyro is a bad maniac. Not a good maniac. That's not a good maniac.

Jeff:You've got me some expensive idiot lawyer, so you can have your wire dropped down. I know your games.

Jeff:He burned down the canteen, and the cabin, but they were both accidents.

Larry · Jeff:What the hell are you doing over there? He's supposed to be here! I can't kick him out, we've got business to do. What do you mean? I've got Julia Louis-Dreyfus in his house waiting for him!

Larry · Jeff:What is it? What is it? It's tuna. I don't like tuna.

Jeff:All right. The guy doesn't like tuna.

Jeff · Larry:You never congratulated me on my new car. What, are you kidding? No, I'm not kidding. I was hurt by it.

Larry · Jeff:What'd you pay for this? It's personal. Personal? What are you, insane? It's personal, everything's personal.

Larry · Jeff · Other driver:Aamco: double A, M-C-O. I didn't honk at you, you fucking asshole! It was the radio, Larry! What are you, nuts? Fucking idiot. Fucking asshole!

Jeff:'Double A, beep, beep, M-C-O.' Everyone's heard that commercial.

Jeff · Larry:Larry, Aamco. 'Double A, beep, beep, M-C-O.' It sounded like his horn.

Larry · Jeff · Mike:That's good, how you just did that. What? He's very good. You told him about the Aamco thing? No. Very funny. I work for Aamco. Very funny joke. I work for Aamco. No, I'm not kidding you. I do.

Larry · Jeff:Enjoying the chicken? I was gonna bring this by your house. What? Bring it by your house. I thought you wouldn't mind me having some.

Jeff · Larry:What are the odds of an Aamco guy? There might be a problem with that.

Larry · Jeff · Larry:Once you've got the outfit on, you might as well wear it to its completion. / Maintain the outfit. / 'To its completion.'

Larry · Jeff · Larry · Jeff · Larry · Jeff · Larry:Killed herself. / No, she didn't. / Killed herself-- / Why? / Nobody knows, she didn't leave a note. / That is so rude, isn't that? / That's really rude.

Jeff · Jeff · Larry · Jeff · Larry:'Louise Hoenin, devoted sister, beloved cunt'? / What? It says that in the paper? Let me see this. / That's unbelievable! / I know! You said 'aunt,' I wrote down 'aunt'! That's bullshit!

Jeff:What are they gonna say? 'We're sorry we called her a cunt, we meant aunt'?

Jeff:Do me a favor. When I die, let someone else handle the obit, okay?

Jeff:You copped a feel off my mom, you gotta go.

Jeff:She said, 'Larry touched my bosom for several seconds.'

Larry · Jeff · Larry:Even when I was dating, I would wait four months before I would try and make a breast move, you know? / I understand. / Not in their kitchen, in front of their daughter-in-law and son--

Jeff · Larry · Larry:That's called 'Indian giving.' / I know what it's called. / It's a very racist term, but I'm okay with that.

Jeff:'She's bringing The Vagina Monologues...' - Jeff's awkward phrasing

Jeff:That's one of those things you go.... Wow! Blue Label!

Jeff:Asteroid, hurricane, same thing.

Jeff:'You're just a big bowl of wrong'

Jeff:I don't want Susie yammering about what they are

Jeff · Larry:You know why? 'Cause you're a pussy. I'm just being frank. Maybe I'm nice. You have nice-pussy confusion.

Jeff:I think it's some sort of Japanese gay thing.

Larry · Jeff:I knew you'd open up a can of worms just by starting to ask him. He's been weird all lunch. What the hell? I don't know what that was. That guy's a freak.

Larry · Jeff:Oh, my God. Jesus!

Larry · Jeff:Maybe I have a lime-green T-shirt like yours to put on, asshole. What's wrong with a lime-green T-shirt?

Larry · Jeff:There's no lock on that bathroom door. I know. That's crazy. That's your top priority in a house. In the bathroom.

Larry · Jeff:Who doesn't know that when you cut a doll's hair... it doesn't grow back? She should know better.

Jeff:My daughter has a huge doll collection. Her room is filled with dolls. I think she might have that Judy doll.

Jeff:Are you out of your mind? You wanna end the deal because of this?

Jeff:Here we are in Doll World. So, there's dolls here, look at all these. You have no idea how much money I've spent on dolls.

Larry · Jeff:She looks Swiss. She looks like Judy. She looks Swiss? All right.

Larry · Jeff:'Suite: Judy Brown Eyes,' I said it in my head. You said, 'Suite: Judy Brown Eyes'? I know the song is Suite: Judy Blue Eyes... and she has brown eyes. It's brown eyes.

Jeff · Larry:Susie's here. Shit. Come on. Stick it in your jacket. It's too big. Where do I put it?

Jeff:Listen, and I'll tell you. Sammy's shelf has been on my mind. I've always thought this shelf was loose.

Susie · Jeff · Larry:You put the shelves up.... I find that hard to believe. He knows a lot about shelving. I put them all up-- Mr. California Closets over here all of a sudden?

Jeff:You put that doll head down there... and who knows what the hair is made out of? You've got an allergic reaction, I'm telling you.

Susie · Jeff:Something's not right here. This is not the head. There's something wrong. Sure, it's the head, that's the head.

Larry · Jeff:Is your assistant going out with anybody? You're not going out with my assistant, okay?

Larry · Jeff:You're not a Lakers fan are you? You're a Knicks fan. Table for one.

Larry · Jeff:You know, you ought to go to a doctor. Really? Yeah. You know that guy right over there? That's Dr. Wiggins, that's who he was talking about.

Larry · Jeff:Is this fucking unbelievable? This is unbelievable.

Jeff:Yeah, I'll ask him, with his eight rings, that Larry David's upset.

Larry · Jeff:What can I do? Can I do anything? Buy the team.

Jeff:The problem, quite honestly, has been you, Larry.

Jeff · Larry:Don't stare, come on. Oh, my God, look at that.

Jeff:It's called 'scarlet-letter punishment.'

Jeff:You always have rules and phrasings, 'stop-and-chat.'

Cheryl · Jeff:No. Really? Surprise, surprise. That shocks me.

Jeff:Only you could have a bad time in Hawaii.

Jeff:They can't feel your tension, okay? You're just all wired up.

Larry · Ted · Jeff:The Wizard of Oz costume argument between Larry, Ted, and Jeff

Jeff:Him? I do an unbelievable Lion. Well, I got to do the Lion, though, seriously. Let me do the Lion. You will not regret it.

Jeff:'I'll be the fat Tin Man that'll disappoint children.'

Larry · Jeff:Larry wanting waiters to dress like him

Larry · Jeff:Larry buying multiple identical shirts and justifying it

Jeff:They might think we have Scientologists for wait people.

Larry · Jeff:The defective gift shirt argument

Jeff · Larry:Oh, gee, look at that. - A little rip there. - My God, I'm sorry.

Jeff:You gave me a defective shirt. It's got a hole in it. That's not a gift.

Jeff:'It's not a gift. It's supposed to be a gift, not a problem.'

Jeff:The point is, if you give somebody a gift, it's supposed to be a gift, not a problem.

Jeff · Larry:Jeff's terrible Lion impression and Larry's critique

Larry · Jeff:I don't do impressions. - Why say you can do the Lion? - I'm the Lion! I don't have to do the voice.

Larry · Jeff:I'm not gonna fire him. / Why not? / I don't know, he's black, I don't want to fire him.

Jeff · Larry:You don't want to fire a black guy? / No, I don't want to fire him. / That's crazy! / It's ridiculous! / Who cares what he is? / If he sucks, he sucks.

Larry · Jeff:Well, maybe we should play Scrabble. / That's a bad joke, right? / Yeah, it is a joke, I mean, I don't... / Scrabble?

Richard · Larry · Jeff:I told you when I spoke to you on the phone that... / No, you didn't. / What, are you kidding? / What are you talking about? / He did, I was standing right next to him when he called you.

Jeff:A praying mantis can use that goddamn phone!

Jeff · Larry:You're such a fucking idiot, how can you do this? / She's not looking well... / Cell phone, you fucked up.

Larry · Jeff:What am I supposed to do? / You trying to get a NAACP Image Award or something?

Jeff · Restaurant worker:Jeff spills coffee and someone immediately knows the 'club soda and salt' remedy

Randy · Larry · Jeff:Randy quits as chef because 'it's frowned on when they poison someone'

Larry · Jeff · Josh:Larry telling Josh it's an audition when it was supposed to be just dinner

Jeff:'You weigh eight pounds. What do you know about food?'

Jeff:Speedo. Speedo.

Jeff:Oh, yeah, it sounds great. No, it is, it's really good. It's good, trust me. It'll all be fine.

Jeff:I was saying to my wife, 'You should let me date, because it'll bring us much closer...'

Stu · Jeff:It sounds like it might've started with Mindy Reiser. And guess who told Mindy?

Jeff:Why do you think we don't talk to her? She has a big mouth!

Jeff · Larry:Lonely, lonely... Lonely... Just keep repeating it.

Jeff:Who's gonna stop us? Nobody. It's totally applicable.

Jeff:My family's dog, not my dog. This dog kills me, I'm so allergic to it. I have to hang with it today 'cause Susie's got some stuff to do with tiling at the new house.

Larry · Jeff:You know the Braudys? That guy who smashed into Alanis Morissette? Oh, that idiot. Yeah, that guy.

Sammy · Jeff:Mmm... Oscar. What I'm saying is, if you say Oscar, Daddy won't be here. I know. You know? Mm-hmm. But you're choosing Oscar. I'm your dad. I just love that dog.

Jeff · Larry:A dog! She chose a fucking dog over her own father. You sat down, you laid it out? I told her, 'Daddy's sick. He can't stay in the same house with Oscar.' She wants Oscar! She wants the dog!

Jeff · Larry:A bra? What the fuck's wrong with that dog? He's a bra-sniffing dog. A bra-sniffing dog? What the fuck?

Jeff · Larry:She's slurring her words, she's bumping into things, she stinks like a fuckin' wino! Oh, I poured some of your... I had poured some wine. Oh, she must have accidentally... a seven-year-old kid drank some wine?

Larry · Jeff:I thought she had a speech impediment. You've known the kid since she was born, and she suddenly develops a speech impediment? That's what was so puzzling to me.

Larry · Susie · Jeff:Larry refusing the house tour with 'You know, it's bedrooms, bathrooms... I get it'

Jeff:Because you spelled it, it's a draw. I don't owe you anything.

Jeff:Nothing worse than Jews with trees.

Jeff · Larry:They can't let them have their holiday. We have to horn in on their holiday.

Jeff:Hey, 10 p.m. is the cut-off for platonic friends. After 10 p.m., it gets weird.

Jeff:All right. I made a mistake, I'm sorry, I apologize. You sure did. I apologize profusely to both of you.

Jeff:I don't know why Cheryl doesn't like you. I'm sure it has nothing to do with your work.

Larry · Jeff:Can't you just say yes? / No.

Larry · Jeff:That's the chef. / Our chef's bald.

Larry · Jeff:For the next five years was he gonna come in every day and leave the toupee at home? / Yeah, right. Or just wear it on weekends? Live a double life.

Jeff:You would've been all over that fat guy. You would've loved that fat guy, don't tell me.

Jeff:You have a bald accountant, a bald urologist, a bald travel agent. You have far more bald professionals than the average person.

Jeff:I knew you'd say 'duly noted,' too.

Larry · Jeff:Poor kid lost his hair, he's getting chemo. / No, he's not going through chemotherapy. Another kid in class is, and a lot of the boys in the senior class as a show of solidarity shaved their heads.

Larry · Jeff:Maybe one day I'll get a chance to do something good for somebody like that. That's really touching. / You've already got kind of a head start, actually.

Larry · Jeff:What about the muck, are we in any muck? / We are in a big muck. / If we're in mire, I would assume that we're also in muck. Usually one is in muck and mire. He said I was in a mire. I was trying to ascertain whether or not muck was involved as well.

Larry · Jeff:Salmon's out. / Plenty of fish in the sea. / Who needs it?

Larry · Jeff:Portico. / Fucking Portico! That prick, I don't believe it. He's laughing right now. That motherfucker.

Jeff:He's a survivor.

Jeff:Then sign Ben Vereen. Who cares what you sign? Come on. Your head's bleeding. Just sign in!

Jeff · Mel Brooks:Giant fuckin' mistake if I say so right to your face. Okay, Zero Mostel... Yeah, I know. I know what you're gonna say. Nathan Lane, Jason Alexander and Larry David? Come on, Mel. / Trust me. When I know, I know. And this time, I know.

Larry · Jeff:Larry buying Susie's shirt as a gift for Ben

Larry · Jeff:Larry's complaint about kebab sticks: 'I saw five people holding sticks. I did. I was checking.'

Jeff · Larry:So, last night at about 11:30, I go to the bathroom to, uh, you know. You got the energy for that at 11:30 at night? I always have the energy, yeah.

Jeff:And, um, all of a sudden, she pops out. You know who pops in? You're not gonna believe this. Cheryl.

Jeff · Larry:You can't control who pops in. She pops in. Why didn't you pop her out? I tried popping her out. She wouldn't pop out.

Jeff · Larry:Besides, my bench is thin. I don't have a lot going on there. Your bench is thin? What, is she on your team now?

Jeff · Larry:I'll never intentionally use your wife for that. What do you mean? You can't control who pops in.

Larry · Jeff · Mel:I don't like the 'Happy Birthday' song. He never sings the 'Happy Birthday' song. I don't like it either. I hate the song! It's a trite, cliché song.

Jeff:Jeff's deadpan: 'Yeah, it's chock full of Funkhousers.'

Larry · Marty · Jeff:Patient/hygienist confidentiality debate: Larry claiming ethical breach while others dismiss it

Larry · Jeff:Larry's sitting-urination reading habit: 'When you're peeing all over your shoe, I'm learning something. If I pee 20 times during a day, I get through the New York Times.'

Jeff:Jeff's confused response: 'You crap standing up?'

Jeff · Larry:Jeff encouraging Larry to sleep with the hygienist: 'It's a gift from your wife'

Jeff · Larry:Jeff calling out Larry's gay mannerisms: 'you're talking really gay'

Jeff:'You've become Steve the gay choreographer'

Larry · Jeff:Larry getting a letter from the club for having a dirty locker

Larry · Jeff:Larry discovering his 5-wood is in the casket

Larry · Jeff:Larry arguing why the dead man shouldn't be 'buried in eternity with my club'

Jeff · Larry:Jeff's expletive-filled rant about being kicked out over 'a fucking 5-iron'

Jeff:'You're fucking narcissists...It's all a game, all a big fucking game'

Jeff:'there's like three fucking Jews in the whole club'

Larry · Jeff:Yeah. How do you work a glue gun? Oh, yeah, like I know how to work a glue gun.

Larry · Jeff:Get the violin out. That's pretty sad, yeah.

Jeff:It is weird to ask a guy, you know his father just died, can we use your tickets? It is kind of tacky to do that.

Larry · Jeff:The tip, remember the weatherman's tip? / The statute of limitations has gotta be up on that, no?

Jeff · Larry:Have you ever made it with an African-American? Yes. Twice. What, the same one twice? Two different ones. Same time? No, same time... two different ones.

Jeff:Big? They could put the Chicago fire out with this. It was... it was a joke. It was like from another planet.

Larry · Jeff:I could see how it could be a concern... maybe I can step in... if you're too intimidated to go through with it, I could try.

Jeff:A good friend doesn't do that... I'd rather go to Tiffany's and get you a bowl.

Larry · Jeff:I can't have it sent to my house. Susie'll kill me. I don't want it sent here.

Jeff:Everlast condoms, my friend. The best in the business. With those babies you're never gonna stop.

Larry · Jeff:Fucking's boring? It's a bore. What is it? It's enough, in and out.

Larry · Jeff:'I can't get them on!' 'Who's timing you?'

Jeff:I don't say you got it from me. He's pissed off at me 'cause Susie doesn't want me to pay him because he went $200 over the estimate. But it's an estimate!

Jeff:You're trapped! Oh, dear God, you're trapped!

Jeff · Larry:We can go to my house and watch it. Oh, yeah, we'll have an 'Auto Focus' party.

Jeff:I'm not gonna pause it. I don't like pausing. I'm not a pauser.

Jeff · Larry:Did you leave the door open? Yeah, when I... God damn it.

Jeff · Larry:What are you gonna do after you catch him? Nothin'.

Larry · Jeff:Do not tell anyone about this. Well, he knows about it. Good thing he can't talk.

Jeff:Oscar is not good. He's just lethargic as can be and his bark is like... emasculated.

Jeff · Susie:You listen and you listen good. You keep that trap shut. What did you do to this dog?! Something's wrong with Oscar!

Jeff:Wandering Bear cures vaginas? That guy is some kind of magician or something. I wish I had special powers over the vagina.

Jeff:My doctor told me not to. He says it's no good for me to keep going and going. It's not good for my heart. It's a rubber for a young man.

Susie · Jeff:Wandering Elk, whatever the fuck your name is, you were paid already. No, she's not. You don't get out of my house, I'll get my dog.

Jeff:The Hassids, they have sex through a sheet

Jeff:You should spring for a satin sheet. You'd be sliding all over

Jeff:'You better work fast, my friend. If you're gonna cash in on this, uh, 10th anniversary gift-- you have, what, three days left?'

Jeff · Larry:'She has obsessive-compulsive disorder.' 'Really?' 'I-I-I told her that you have it, too.'

Larry · Jeff:'What the-- are you nuts? What's the matter with you?' 'Come on, that's funny.'

Jeff · Larry:Jeff pressuring Larry about the anniversary gift deadline while Larry wants to study lines

Christina · Jeff · Larry:'What kind of business are you in?' 'Grooming. Pet grooming.' 'We have a truck and we shampoo dogs.'

Larry · Jeff:'What the fuck were you thinking?!' 'A picture of Bush, who gives a flying fuck? I'd fuck her with a Bush mask on!'

Jeff:I like watching you do that.

Jeff:Too many jews to go around. It's not enough, exactly.

Jeff:If every blue moon I have sex, I'm not gonna pick up.

Jeff:He's got the yips.

Jeff · Larry:"Oh hey... we got a dog." "Really? Why?" "She wanted a dog."

Jeff:I got a housekeeper who steals.

Larry · Jeff:You had to tell your housekeeper to wear a bra? I am buying her!

Jeff:You don't tell me Cheryl's, I ain't telling you Susie's.

Larry · Jeff:I don't know how I do it. Maybe you can get a job in a carnival somewhere. Yeah, have your own little booth. Step right up. You are... 36c!

Jeff:What fuckin' idiot put bones in a sandwich? I bit into a bone! There's bones in the chicken salad!

Larry · Jeff:If my wife needs a kidney, you can give it to her. / Oh, okay, so it's longevity no matter what, even if you're married to her. / No, I'm saying you seemed like you want to give her a kidney, so I'm gonna let you.

Jeff · Larry:I changed my mind. / Really? / Yeah. / Wow. / I'll take the test. Who knows?

Jeff · Larry:Good night, nurse. / Good night. / It's just a saying. / I never heard of it. / It's an old one.

Larry · Jeff:That's nice. / I know it is. / Do you? / Do you? / I do. / Good for you. / It is good for me. / Oh you think so? / I know so. / I'm glad. / So am I. / That makes two of us. / So you say. / So I did.

Jeff:No, I don't think I'm a match anyway. Let's just do eeny meeny.

Larry · Jeff:How come you want me to be eeny? / No, it's good. You should be eeny. / Want me to be eeny? Do you want me to be eeny?

Richard Lewis · Larry · Jeff:Eeny meeny miney moe, catch a tiger by the toe. If he hollers, let him go. My mother says to pick this one and out goes y-o-U. / Yeah yeah yeah! / What are you excited about? / I won! / No, you lost! You're out. You're it.

Larry · Jeff:No, you lost! You're out. You're it. No no no no no. Out goes y-o-U. You're the loser. No, you're the loser. Tell him, tell him, tell him.

Susie · Jeff · Larry:What are we talking about anyway? Losing what? / They're giving a kidney to Richard Lewis. / Excuse me, you're not giving your fucking kidney.

Larry · Jeff:It's good to have a big friend, you can really smack him around. You know, look at that! Doesn't hurt him, doesn't feel anything.

Jeff:Come on. We'll be 'going to a movie' or something.

Jeff:You're already in the doghouse, you can't get in any more trouble, you might as well get your money's worth.

Jeff:It's a 'double transgression' theory.

Jeff · Larry:What the hell are you trying to pull, Larry? He had nowhere to go, what do you want me to do? I don't give a shit where he goes.

Jeff:Jeff's horror reaction when he realizes who Rick is

Jeff · Larry:Big vagina?! Gigantic vagina! What?! Biggest vagina known to man! Huge!

Larry · Jeff:And at no point, he says to you, 'Hey, what about the fat guy that just threw me off the roof?' That would never come up. I said it's bad version.

Jeff:It's like you didn't even hit it.

Jeff:um, 'gefilte fish blues'... um, 'my freaking back is killing me and it's making it hard to kvell'...

Jeff · Larry:What the fuck? What are you doing?! What do you think you're doing? I'm not doing anything. What are you doing in bed with me? My back hurts.

Larry · Jeff:Larry's philosophy: 'See? This is what you get from doing good deeds. I avoided good deeds my whole life. Turns out I was right.'

Larry · Jeff:Larry's final confession to Jeff: 'You use way too much mayo.'

Larry · Jeff:You're gonna use your child to get out of a party?... It's the best thing in the world... It's a great reason to have kids.

Jeff · Larry:Have you ever seen Richard look in the mirror?... Is that really what I do?

Larry · Jeff:Cha cha... where did he get her from? Man, oh, man. She is so hot.

Larry · Jeff:'Cha cha.' 'Cha cha.' Discussion of Richard's hot girlfriend

Larry · Jeff:What are the odds?... Yeah, what are the odds?

Jeff · Susie:Jeff and Susie arriving with the same 'wrong night' excuse

Jeff:I'm sucking on it like a mint.

Jeff · Larry:Your dad always has a virus, okay? Fuck you, he doesn't always have a virus.

Jeff · Larry:Hey hey, I did it. - Come on, no big deal. - You did it? - Yeah, did it, yep, me.

Jeff:It was Passover at your house. I was drinking a little bit, had some manischewitz, you know? Feeling good, and I was away from the table. I got an erection. I took care of it before I came back.

Jeff:I didn't want to come back to the table with an erection at Passover.

Jeff:It's not like Yom Kippur. I would never do it on the High Holidays.

Jeff:They were doing the four questions and I love the four questions.

Jeff:Ted Danson? Yeah, her girlfriend Ted!

Jeff:What a little yenta!

Larry · Jeff:I am so much closer with Marty than you are. I've known him so much longer. However long you've known him is irrelevant in this equation.

Larry · Jeff:Really? Oh, yeah, I'll be nice the whole day. And then we'll have sex. And then I'll just go back to being the way I am.

Jeff · Larry:This is fucking great, Larry! Now Sammy's kicked out too. Just knowing you is a liability.

Jeff · Funkhouser:You want the flowers? Take the fucking flowers!

Jeff · Cheryl:We shall see.

Jeff · Larry:Jeff: 'Even your best self, I'm not interested for eternity'

Susie · Jeff:I'm claustrophobic. I can't be anywhere but the end. He hyperventilates

Larry · Jeff · Susie:Larry asking Cheryl to 'call me back in 10 minutes' when the plane is potentially going down

Jeff:Jeff's speech about loyalty to Larry: 'We have to stick with Larry' despite Cheryl being great

Larry · Jeff:The dinner phone rule fight with Jeff physically wrestling Larry for the phone

Jeff:Not me. I've got discipline down there. I have a very discerning penis.

Jeff:My dog howls from my snoring. I wake up my dog.

Jeff:You know, if I were bald-- if I woke up tomorrow and I found myself bald, I'd be so cool with it. It'd be no big deal.

Jeff:No idea.

Jeff:I took one. Shoot me. One. Two of them might have been stuck together.

Larry · Jeff:That's way too long. Way too long. You're stretching it out for--

Jeff:Oh my god! No no! What? Oh my god! Look at me!

Larry · Jeff · Susie:There's nothing wrong with being bald! Sure there is! Yes, there is, Larry!

Larry · Jeff:You said you wouldn't care if you were bald! Yeah, in 40 years! Not fucking today!

Jeff · Larry:Yours is gonna grow back. Mine isn't! That's right. You know what? Curse on you! Mine's gonna grow back. Yours isn't! You deserve it!

Larry · Jeff:Stiller said no. What? Doesn't want to work with me. Are you kidding? Doesn't feel it's right.

Larry · Jeff:You know what doesn't feel right about it? You're bald. Doesn't want a bald man to be representing him!

Jeff · Larry:There's, like, meetings? There's no meetings, but we see each other on the street, we nod. We'll give a thumbs up. You know what? We love each other, me and my bald brothers.

Larry · Jeff:One-mississippi, two-mississippi, three-mississippi... My own daughter locks herself in her room, won't come out whenever I'm home.

Leon · Jeff:Mopy Dick, that's what he is. - Moby Dick. - No, Mopy Dick.

Leon · Jeff:Who's fucking Moby Dick? His dick is moping. Oh, literally Mopy Dick? Yeah, Mopy Dick.

Jeff · Larry:What was that? What are you doing? You've got bedbugs? What's going on?

Larry · Jeff:How much will you give me to start gargling now? 50 bucks. Just do it.

Larry · Jeff:I just got 50 bucks. No, now that doesn't count. It was so enjoyable and you ruined it with 'I just got 50 bucks.'

Jeff · Larry:Do you know who anyone is? No. When was the last time you bought an album? 1972?

Larry · Jeff:That's the guy who walked past the line to get his ticket before. Pete! Look at him. Oh my God. He was faking. Are you kidding me? No. That's really good. I gotta take my hat off to him.

Jeff · Larry:You don't understand women. You don't understand etiquette. Fine.

Larry · Jeff:Yeah, well, she has a tickle in her anus anyway. She has a tickle in her anus? I think so. She was squirming in her seat.

Larry · Jeff:Then there's a hole in the nose. We'll just cover it with makeup. Blech!

Larry · Jeff:75°? i'm baking in that room at night. It's like i'm cinderella in there, i swear to you.

Jeff · Larry:cinderella? what do you mean? / No no, i know cinderella. but what aspect of cinderella? what do you mean? / what aspect do you think i mean? / i don't know. the shoe?

Larry · Jeff:she gets bossed around by the stepmother! / don't get mad at me! / well, you're so stupid!

Larry · Jeff:I got about 24 hours to get out of this thing before the results come back. / Yeah, you can't break up with somebody who's got cancer.

Jeff:Couples should have like a pre-breakup agreement... 'if you see the word 'apricot,' it means it's over.'

Jeff:Guess who told marty to shut up... She's great-- a great actress... She's a multi-- multi-talented.

Larry · Jeff:Oh, i know, i know! hannah montana. / no, you're not even trying! / the kardashians! / what? no!

Larry · Jeff:You had sex with a mental patient! / she's not a mental patient. / If i went over to the institution and fucked her, then she's a mental patient.

Jeff · Larry:I said, 'if there's anything i can do'-- / you said that? / that's it. / an empty gesture? / an empty gesture. / that's how this whole thing started.

Jeff · Larry:what'd you tell funkhouser about the party for? - Pfft, oh, why? he said something? - Yeah, he said something. he called to complain he wasn't invited and susie invited him.

Funkhouser · Larry · Jeff:No wonder she was singing 'I love the fat boy.' / I couldn't figure it out. / I love the fat boy.

Jeff · Larry:SHE BLEW HIM IN THE CAR. BLOWJOB IN THE CAR? WHILE HE'S DRIVING.

Jeff:IT'S A LOT OF WORK. I WOULDN'T WANT TO DO IT. IT IS A JOB. NO WONDER WHY THEY DON'T LIKE IT.

Larry · Jeff:SHE WAS GIVING YOU A BLOWJOB?! OKAY, YEAH, WE KNOW WHAT IT IS. ALL RIGHT! ENOUGH!

Larry · Jeff:AUNTIE RAE GAVE ME-- SHE GAVE ME THE FINGER AS SHE WAS DRIVING AWAY. YEAH. DID SHE REALLY? OH GOD. 'FUCK YOU, LARRY.'

Larry · Jeff · Susie:YOU ARE A PICTURE OF HAPPINESS. SHE DOES HAVE A VERY GOOD DISPOSITION. SHE'S BUBBLY. WOULDN'T YOU SAY THAT? BUBBLY. YEAH, I THINK SO.

Jeff:I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO. YOU'RE SO FULL OF IT. WE'RE SITTING UP THERE, YOU SAY, 'I'LL DO IT,' AND I'M GOING 'REALLY? YOU'LL DO IT?' AND LITERALLY, IT HIT ME THE SECOND WE WALKED OUT OF THAT MEETING.

Jeff:PRETTY FUCKING BRILLIANT IF YOU ASK ME.

Jeff · Larry:WHO SAVED HER LIFE? WHO SAVED HER LIFE? CAN YOU-- I SAVED HER LIFE. YOU SAVED HER LIFE. DR. DAVID. DR. DAVID. PAGING DR. DAVID.

Larry · Jeff:LOOK AT THIS. YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING. CAN YOU BELIEVE THESE SEATS THIS GUY GAVE US?

Jeff · Larry:OH, HE DOES HAVE COURTSIDE SEATS. HE'S SITTING IN THEM-- HE AND DAVID SPADE. WHAT? HE'S SITTING NEXT TO DAVID SPADE.

Larry · Jeff:HE SCREENED MY CALL. HOW DO YOU KNOW HE SCREENED YOUR CALL? I SAW HIM ON THE BINOCULARS. HE SCREENED THE CALL. YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS THOUGHT PEOPLE WERE DOING THAT WHEN I CALLED THEM. THIS JUST CONFIRMS IT.

Jeff · Larry:YOU CAN'T GIVE A BEGRUDGING APOLOGY. YOU'VE GOTTA GIVE A SINCERE APOLOGY. I'LL GO SOMEWHERE BETWEEN BEGRUDGING AND SINCERE. HOW'S THAT? SOMEWHERE BETWEEN? WHERE BETWEEN?

Larry · Jeff:I don't know why she went out with me. I don't know. That's a good question. A big bowl of out of your league. Way out of my league.

Jeff:And by the way, susie, I so want to divorce you.

Larry · Jeff:What gets priority on a check, asker or toucher? What is he, judge judy?

Jeff · Larry · Jeff:Are you kidding me? Denise is here? / What? / Fuck.

Larry · Jeff:Odds even. One takes. I got evens. Okay. One two three... Shoot! I win. Do it.

Jeff · Larry:Maybe tomorrow we'll dress up like kaufman and hart... Put on coats and ties, tweed jackets. Yeah, that's a good idea. Smoke some cigarettes. Maybe we'll have a good writing day. Yeah, then maybe wrestle naked like oliver reed and alan bates.

Larry · Andy · Marty · Jeff:Larry accidentally kills the swan and his friends realize it's Takahashi's beloved pet Kyoko

Larry · Jeff:He attacked me! He leapt at me! Did you provoke him? No, I didn't do anything.

Jeff:Jeff's philosophy: 'The only time I tell her I'm playing golf is when I'm with another woman!'

Larry · Andy · Marty · Jeff:The group panics seeing what they think is a search party but it's just a bird

Mr. Takahashi · Jeff:Takahashi insults Jeff: 'You stupid. Yes. You marry big-mouth wife.' Jeff agrees: 'She does have a big mouth.'

Susie · Jeff:What is this, jeff? Whose panties are these? What the fuck is this? It's your car. What are these doing in there? All right, pull the fuck over.

Jeff · Larry:I told her they were your panties. What do you mean they're my panties? No no, I told her that they're your panties, that you like wearing women's panties.

Jeff:Odd yet brilliant. Completely and utterly brilliant. My best one ever maybe.

Larry · Jeff:What are you, self-conscious? No, you're looking me over. I was not looking you over, paranoid.

Larry · Jeff:I'm trying to play like slight transvestite. Slight transvestite? Yes. It's a comfort thing. Don't add a transvestite level to this.

Jeff · Larry:I got a call from virginia. She can't do the part. She's in a neck brace. Oh my god.

Larry · Jeff:Nothing. Cheryl. Cunnilingus.

Jeff:She was driving dennis's car, asshole know-it-all. His car is all fucked up.

Jeff · Larry:She was driving dennis's car, asshole know-it-all. His car's... His car is all fucked up.

Jeff · Larry:Jeff's friendly divorce proposal vs Larry's vicious response

Larry · Jeff · Marty · Waitress · Hiriam Katz:The buffet sharing dispute and Hiriam Katz's legal intervention

Larry · Jeff:There's no plus one here. You've never gotten a hookup!

Larry · Jeff:It's 'fro Larry. 'Fro Larry on the motor scooter.

Larry · Jeff:What's half of double d? B+? No, B-. What's closer to the D, the minus or the plus?

Larry · Jeff:Imagine how he'd be if he was married to Susie. He'd have pee stains on his pants constantly.

Larry · Jeff:Yeah, they do not like the Jews. Look at that one.

Larry · Jeff:Could be the next Mrs. David. If by some chance she's gonna get over her anti-semitism, odds are not with you, no.

Larry · Jeff:You're always attracted to someone who doesn't want you, right? Well, here you have somebody who not only doesn't want you, doesn't even acknowledge your right to exist... Wants your destruction. That's a turn-on.

Jeff:What do you think this is, the firecracker 400? It's a driveway.

Jeff · Larry:What's the matter with you? Telling a joke like that in front of her. She's an adult. She can come to an adult dinner party. If she's an adult, why can't she hear a dirty joke?

Juliet · Jeff:Give me the cake! What what what? Larry. Let her have it! It's none of your goddamn business!

Jeff:You know, in most countries, you could get somebody killed for $573.

Jeff · Larry:You're a social assassin. So you bungled the hit. What do you know about social assassination? Nothing! I'm the one who named you a social assassin!

Larry · Jeff:Eddie and Ilene? He's cheating on Juliet? Holy shit. Oh my God!

Larry · Jeff:I was the straw that broke the camel's back. All marriages have straws. Right, the camel's carrying a lot of straw. That's what a marriage is.

Larry · Jeff:You look like Blofeld. I look like I've got a kitty and we're making evil plans.

Jeff · Larry:'Fuck me, Jew bastard'? Yeah, small price to pay for the best sex I've ever had anywhere.

Larry · Jeff:Yeah, except she hasn't been here in three weeks. - Well, where is she? - She told me that her father was dying and she wanted to go home and spend some time with him and he hasn't died. He's kind of, you know, lingering.

Larry · Jeff:What if he hangs on for, like, six months? - That's the problem! - You're stuck. - I know, what can I do? I can't fire her.

Jeff:I can't believe you just gave away a cabinet. You never give up a cabinet. Never give up a cabinet.

Jeff · Larry:But you're shitting where you eat. - That's right. I'm shitting where I eat.

Larry · Jeff:But when that happens... - And I will shit where I eat. - Or eat where you shat. - Or eat where I shat. - I've never seen it done.

Jeff:Well, to be honest, things aren't so great with Susie and I right now. I think it'd be best if we'd bow out of Saturday night.

Larry · Jeff:'Things aren't so great right now...' With Susie and I, they're not so great. - '...With Susie and I.' - They're not great. Congratulations. That was gorgeous.

Larry · Jeff · Susie:You're throwing for yourselves, I might add. I mean, usually somebody else gives you a going-away party... But you've decided to give one for yourselves.

Jeff:We're beloved.

Jeff:I've tried to get Susie to take a vow of silence. I have. I've talked to her about it.

Larry · Jeff:What's he doing here? He and his wife came. Oscar's really sick, so Susie felt like it'd be nice to invite him.

Larry · Jeff:She's doing a chat and cut. A chat and cut? Really? She's feigning familiarity with someone she vaguely knows for the sole purpose of cutting in line.

Larry · Jeff:I'm reading all this mercury stuff. I'm scared to get Sushi. I can't eat Sushi. How about some Italian? Wanna get some pasta? I don't like to have hot food for lunch.

Jeff · Larry:What about a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? I don't want bread. I don't want to have bread. Like a plate with-- Peanut butter and jelly just on a plate with a fork?

Jeff · Susie:But neither of us have eaten since breakfast. I don't really give a shit about you. I care about Oscar right now, okay? He's in pain. He's gonna die soon. He needs his last meal.

Larry · Jeff:I know what he's doing. He's about to do a chat and cut. It's a total chat and cut. No no no no no no. No no no. No, I know it looks like a chat--

Larry · Jeff:Mind if I take a bite of this? I do mind. That's for Oscar. Come on, one bite. No. Let me take one bite. What the-- Come on, I've got low blood sugar.

Larry · Jeff:By the way... Mmm? Your taste was about twice as big as mine. What are you talking about? It was a small taste. No, it was about-- No, it was about as twice as big as mine.

Larry · Jeff:No, my two bites were the same as your one. Oh, right. Okay. I can't even see what you're eating. Look at that! Look at the size of those bites you took!

Larry · Jeff:You just took two bites! Bullshit. What do you mean, bullshit? I'm driving! Stop!

Jeff · Susie · Larry:They were closed. They're never closed. They're open till, like, midnight. We go after the movies all the time. They-- I'm telling ya-- Korean holiday. A Korean holiday?

Larry · Susie · Jeff:No, it's gross. It's full of my snot. Suz, just give it. Let me just throw it out. No no, just go-- Put the tissue in my hand. You know what? You've gone through enough today you don't need to be looking at garbage.

Larry · Jeff:What is the deal with these shoelaces now? They make them so long. I mean, I'm tripping over these laces five times a day. But you got a girl out of it.

Jeff · Larry:Only you and I know you weren't an intentional hero. You don't think there's any way in the world I would have done something about that guy? Impossible.

Jeff · Larry · Waiter:Ricky Gervais is sitting in the booth behind you. Oh, really? Can I turn around or is that-- All right, are we ready?

Waiter · Larry · Jeff:Would you like me to get a bottle of wine for Mr. Gervais? Sure. How did you-- Okay. Yeah, sure. Please. Excellent. I'll take care of that.

Jeff · Larry:My blood sugar is just going down to my feet. If I don't eat something-- I feel, like, faint. Our food's sitting up there? Yeah. Well, what the fuck? What is he doing? He's just sitting there schmoozing with them?

Larry · Jeff:How about if I just go get it? If you do that you're a hero. Really? You're a hero. You got it, pal.

Jeff:This man is a hero. He just revolutionized the way restaurants work, my friend. No one's gonna go hungry again.

Larry · Jeff:They're charging me $200 for the ticket. I thought he was giving it to me for free. What can you do? What is it with this guy? He's costing me a fortune.

Ricky · Larry · Jeff:I know it was you two idiots whispering all the way through my show. I wasn't anywhere near him. What are you talking about? Where do you get that from? The waiter.

Larry · Jeff:Yeah, right. That's why you married Susie? 'Cause she doesn't tell you what to do.

Jeff:I stink.

Jeff:A ski that comes in two pieces. You screw it on, okay? Like a pool cue.

Jeff · Larry:I'm an idea man who comes up with inventions. No, there are no inventions in your world.

Jeff:You know, when people go skiing, the ski's, like, really long, right? I'm thinking like a ski that you screw in like a pool cue

Larry · Jeff:This could be a big, elaborate con game for all we know. You think it could be a con game? You know, look at 'The Sting.' That's elaborate.

Jeff · Larry:I never saw it. I saw 'The Sting II.' You didn't see 'The Sting'? No, but 'The Sting II,' Jackie Gleason-- pretty good.

Larry · Jeff:We've got a garbage truck at 12,00. You go to your left. Go to your left. You really see something? Yeah. Oh! Oh my God! Look at this!

Jeff · Larry · Henry:You know who his dad is, right? No. Judge Horn. Your dad's Judge Horn? Oh my God, I love Judge Horn.

Larry · Jeff:I always think of nice things but I never act on them. What is that? It's like you with inventions, You think of inventions; You never do the inventions. I don't implement.

Larry · Jeff:I always think of nice things but I never act on them. What is that? It's like you with inventions. You think of inventions; You never do the inventions. / I don't implement.

Jeff:My grandfather had dementia. He wasn't a racist. He thought I was his dead sister, but he wasn't a racist.

Larry · Jeff:Did you look like your great-aunt? You know what? I actually did. I swear to God, I looked exactly like her. She was the belle of Brighton.

Larry · Jeff:Oh my-- Jeff, it's the one-armed man. I swear to God. He's crossing the street. Check it out. I see one arm. Are you sure that's the right one-armed man?

Larry · Jeff:Can I honestly say you are the first inventor I've ever handed a check to? Me too. Me too.

Larry · Jeff:You're wearing gloves? It's the middle of summer. - No, my baseball glove. - Oh, baseball.

Jeff:Are you not listening anything I've ever told you?

Larry · Jeff:That fish, to be honest, don't look so good. I only chose it because I knew we were gonna split it. Look, you brought the fish into it. I'm saying no. - That's completely unethical.

Larry · Jeff:Can I try it? - Nope. - Just a little taste? - Nope, you made a mistake.

Larry · Jeff:No, you're only saying you learned a lesson because I said I learned a lesson. That's where you're wrong. I'm just sharing. I know for a fact you did not learn a lesson. - It's a coincidence.

Jennifer · Jeff:Good luck at your wiffle ball game or whatever. - Softball.

Jeff · Larry:She likes you, which is a shocking thing to me. - She might.

Larry · Jeff:To tell you the truth, whenever I see a woman who's happy, she's married. And whenever I see a man who's happy, he's single. - Mathematics of that is confusing, isn't it?

Jeff · Susie · Bill Buckner:It was Mookie Wilson, Buckner! Yeah. What'd Mookie do? All he hit was a shitty ground ball.

Larry · Jeff:Larry draws Hitler mustache on magazine cover of Susie's father-in-law

Jeff:Of course I'd take a bullet for you. What, are you kidding? Without a doubt.

Larry · Jeff:People call Jeff 'poor bastard' when he leaves with Larry

Jeff · Susie:Jeff gets hit by bike and says 'I took a bullet for you' to Susie

Larry · Jeff:'Fatwa! The Musical,' written by Larry David.

Jeff:You know, she's part of that big sister, little sister mentoring program.

Susie · Larry · Jeff:She's not interested in you, Larry. / She's swooning. / She's swooning?

Larry · Jeff:Richard Lewis always takes the good seat at restaurants - Larry strategizes arriving early

Jeff · Larry:Jeff's open house sex revelation - had sex in every house for sale in Brentwood

Jeff:Jeff: 'And let's say I'm driving around a different neighborhood and I see a house that's for sale, gets me kind of horny.'

Jeff · Larry:Sex in every house in Brentwood expansion - even houses in escrow

Jeff:Gets me kind of horny... She is not only a good-looking woman, but she's so stylish.

Larry · Jeff · Susie:House surprise for Susie cover story - Larry claims he was surprising her with house purchase

Larry · Susie · Jeff:Barneys Warehouse confidentiality standoff - Larry refuses to reveal source despite mounting pressure

Larry · Jeff · Susie:Larry's dramatic protection of doctor-patient confidentiality: 'Not today, not tomorrow, not ever!'

Jeff · Realtor:Jeff buying the house on the spot with realtor

Jeff · Susie · Richard:Jeff's mysterious kitchen praise: 'You, especially, are going to appreciate it.' 'Why are you especially?' 'I have no fucking idea.'

Jeff · Larry:Jeff confronting Larry: 'You didn't thank him for his service, asshole'

Jeff · Larry:Jeff's Burger King analogy: 'Had the same situation with a girl at Burger King. Haven't had a Whopper in fucking three years.'

Jeff · Larry:Jeff's confused sexual questioning: 'You didn't tap that ass?' 'You didn't hit it?' 'And you going through the same shit if you had hit it?'

Larry · Marty · Jeff:You, Manson, Ramirez, and Hitler. That's a good foursome. / If they play fast. / If they play fast. / I'd rather play with a fast Manson than a slow Funkhouser, I'll tell you that. Any day of the week.

Susie · Larry · Marty · Jeff:Maybe if you would've seen Cheryl off a few more times, you'd still be together. / I don't think so. / He wants to, trust me. / No, trust me, he doesn't. / Jeff, do you want to? / No. / Well, you're going to.

Larry · Jeff:Accidental text on purpose. / Please explain. / You're sending a text to me, but it goes to her "by accident." And in the text, you say, "Hey, LD, I'd love to go to the game, but I'm taking Susie to the airport. I don't wanna disappoint her. We're getting along so great."

Jeff:You, sir, are an amazing man. I am texting Susie right now.

Larry · Jeff:I don't think Bridget's kid has Asperger's. I swear to God, I just think he's an asshole. - The kid's an asshole.

Jeff · Larry:I suggest you foster a kid. - Okay. I'll go... - It'll make you a better man. - I'll go down to the pound today. I'll go down... I'll go down to the foster pound.

Jeff:Look at me. I'm the sheriff.

Jeff:She's showing me love and affection that I've never felt before. 'Cause of the hat. All 'cause of the hat.

Jeff:So I have to keep the hat on during sex. That's her thing. Yeah. I haven't had this much sex since college.

Larry · Jeff:Larry's explanation that the desk makes him subservient - 'it's the power of the desk'

Jeff:The only downside is I gotta keep fucking my wife. Sick of it? Oh, so sick of it.

Jeff · Larry:Something funny happen in Tahoe? No. Uh-uh. Something weird? No. Nope. I think something happened in Tahoe.

Jeff:Susie sprained my dick.

Jeff:She took my dick to places it wasn't meant to go. So far to the right, so far to the left. Back and forth.

Larry · Susie · Jeff:Larry's stupid question acknowledgment: 'Were you fixed up because you're deaf?' 'Ugh, stupid fucking question.' 'No, I'm not asking them that.' 'I think it's a good question.'

Jeff · Larry:Jeff outfit tracking Larry: 'Didn't you wear that sweater yesterday?' followed by Larry's explosion about outfit tracking

Jeff:Jeff's immediate boycott declaration after learning about Larry being insulted

Jeff · Nancy:Harvey Weinstein mistaken identity incident

Nancy · Jeff:He looks like Harvey Weinstein. He looks just like him. What the hell? Okay. All the time, women, men... doesn't matter.

Larry · Jeff:I've been following her around all night, but she never has any. They go fast. I don't care how foo-foo the other items are, and people love 'em, pigs in a blanket.

Larry · Jeff:You avoid the person all night... Of course. And then at the end, when you're about to leave, you go, 'Ah!' You give 'em a big goodbye. Then they feel good... Bye! Goodbye and good luck to you and your family. They're very happy that you spent this time with them at the end of the night, and... and you slip out. It's genius.

Jeff · Larry:I told you, for the rest of my dying days, I will never come to this place with you. Ever. That's not what you said. I said I was... You said you're boycotting this place. And you're never coming back here. You didn't say with me. What are you? My Jewish puppet master?

Jeff · Larry:This coffee, by the way, is unbelievable. It's fantastic. Is it hot? It's very hot. Let me see that for a second. Hey, don't touch my... I don't like... Don't touch it. What the... Hey, stop it! What are you, a fuckin' goose?

Jeff:if you do have cancer... I can't be your friend anymore. I-I'm not a cancer friend. I can't do the cancer friend.

Larry · Jeff:You think rich beats old and bald? You could have mutton chops and wear a cartoon tie of Felix the Cat... and wear an Abe Lincoln hat. You'll be fine.

Larry · Jeff:The other night at poker, that invitation, it, it didn't get lost. You made that whole thing up. Blame it on the mailman.

Jeff · Larry:Why couldn't you get her a camera?! I should have given her the camera. Next time get her a camera! Believe me, there won't be a next time!

Larry · Jeff:I will never give anyone a gift again. What do you think about that? I think it's the best idea you've had all day! My birthday's coming up in a month! What are you gettin' me?! Nothin'!

Jeff:It's artificial fruit.

Jeff:Oh, my tongue! I can't believe you did that like that!

Larry · Jeff:So you go for the napkin on the lap immediately. Have you ever caught anything on that napkin? No.

Larry · Jeff:Who tucks in? Al Capone, you know. Yeah, no one's gonna question him.

Jeff:Look, you're just not gonna get me to say anything bad about Mickey.

Jeff:You know who else doesn't know how much I weigh? My doctor.

Jeff:I'd rather be dead in the Sea of Cortez than have you know what I weigh.

Larry · Jeff:No, the captain's for a boat. He's the pilot. Well, he is a pilot... But he wants to be referred to as the captain.

Jeff · Larry:Call me Goat Williker. Fine, Goat Williker. The pilot wants your weight.

Jeff:You've only been here five minutes.

Larry · Jeff:All right, maybe I am trying to get you to say something bad about Mickey. Well, I am not going to say anything bad about Mickey.

Jeff · Larry:Why the snarky attitude toward a fellow Jew? She's Jewish? Yeah. Bat mitzvahed? Big bat mitzvah.

Jeff:I'm not gonna say anything bad about Mickey. I'll tell you that much.

Carnival Worker · Jeff:163 pounds, señor. Si? Yes! Right on the head! You nailed it!

Jeff:That's diabolical, Lar.

Lewis · Larry · Jeff:She's a professional crier. - What? A what? - She's a professional crier. She's hired to cry at weddings, and funerals, or sometimes TV shows.

Lewis · Larry · Jeff:She wanted Chinese, I wanted Italian. - So she wept openly and... - Oh. Yeah, and you went down... And you had Chinese food.

Larry · Jeff:She fucking conned me out of that mink stole. This is incredible! - I don't have to buy your defense on this. - You saw it! You witnessed it. She's a con crier.

Larry · Jeff:I can put my hands in boiling, scalding water, and I don't feel anything. I don't need gloves! - Let me see those hands. - You've never washed a dish in your life.

Jeff · Larry:Clive seems to think it was insufficient praise. - What? Insufficient praise? - Yeah. You weren't enthusiastic.

Larry · Jeff:Ah. There. She's gonna start. - Look out. It's really catching on now.

Jeff:When have I ever said that about Susie?

Party Guests · Jeff · Larry:Surprise! / Wow. / What? / Too bad.

Susie · Rusty · Jeff · Larry:We left you a message. / I didn't get the message. / You're a liar! / Oh, no. I... Ow. Ow. / You are a liar! / You're a liar. / Ow. Ow. Oh... / You're a liar! / Oh! Oh! / Heart attack! / My heart. / Rusty! Rusty!

Larry · Jeff · Jeff:Heart attack! / My heart. / Rusty!

Larry · Carl · Jeff:"You bought a Bentley?" / "People... They'll follow you home and, and kill you." / "Yeah. Much safer in a Subaru Outback."

Carl · Larry · Jeff:"she's got this magical vagina" / "Huh? What the hell are you talking about?"

Carl · Jeff · Richard:Carl's violent Jets rant interrupting the vagina discussion

Jeff:"You look like Einstein's gardener, for Christ's sake."

Larry · Jeff · Carl · Richard:"somebody at this table prevented us from sitting over there and I think you know who it is"

Jeff:He said, 'I can't take any more disappointment.' That's what he used to say when we would watch the Jet games together.

Larry · Jeff:"magical vagina is, is now available" / "Normal vagina, I'd wait a year. But magical vagina, six months."

Jeff · Larry:Is that a character? Yeah. Kramer. Oh. Oh, I feel comfortable. Okay. Oh, you better believe it.

Jeff · Larry:What's the name of the movie? The Biggest Asshole That Ever Roamed the Earth? Oh, I like that.

Jeff · Larry:I really would appreciate it. See? See what I'm saying with the 'appreciate'?

Larry · Jeff:Once you're in sweats, you can't get out? Newton's Law of Sweats? It's Jeff Greene's Law of Day Over.

Larry · Jeff:Listen, I'd really appreciate it. I'm in my sweats!

Larry · Jeff:Who the hell picks up cheese in the middle of the street? I don't want to litter so I picked up the cheese and I put it in the garbage can. No. You were gonna pick up the cheese, and put it on your pizza and eat it. Bullshit. I was not. I was gonna throw it in the garbage.

Jeff:Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What? Oh, my... Larry! Larry!

Jeff:They feel that unless they can play a mentally challenged person... that they're not, uh, worthy as an actor.

Jeff:♪ Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah ♪ (enthusiastic singing and dancing)

Susie · Jeff:What the fuck are you so happy about right now? Nothing. Bags back in the car. I'm not going.

Jeff:I was too happy at the airport drop-off. I was, uh, bouncy. I was dancing.

Jeff:For 50 bucks you're going in the bushes?

Larry David · Jeff:What color is the guy holding the gun? He's mocha. Right down the middle. Fifty-fifty.

Jeff · Leon:He's a shanda for the bald.

Jeff:Jeff reenacting the plopping motion

Jeff:I accidentally erased the tape yesterday. I know, I've been hesitant to tell you.

Jeff:Can I tell you something? I am. I am. I'm a fuckin' idiot.

Larry · Jeff:It's a nightclub. There's not gonna be places to sit. Exactly. And we're gonna have to go backstage and pretend that we liked it.

Jeff:I got her pregnant. And she got an abortion. And, yeah... One big headache.

Jeff · Larry:She's beautiful, flirted with me. What am I gonna do? What have you got going for you? I don't get it.

Larry · Jeff:Pee before you leave, that's my credo. It's a good credo.

Jeff:'I call her Deuce. Number two.' 'Mary Ferguson 2? That's right.'

Jeff:So when you go there, keep an eye out. When you're at the dentist, you need to find out what's going on.

Jeff · Susie:Can we keep a couple aged? You see what you're doing now? You're turning him against my nice new towels.

Larry · Jeff:No, no, she's doing Habitat for Humanity. In New Mexico. Well, it's close to Mexico. And she's got family across the border.

Jeff:Who doesn't take a day off for an abortion? How do you get an abortion, then clean someone's teeth in the same day?

Jeff · Cheryl:It's a fuckin' nightmare. - Yeah. This is a disaster.

Jeff:Don't do it. Don't allow your child to be an actress.

Jeff · Larry:Jessie's the worst name for a cow I've ever heard. / Fuck you. That's a good name for a cow. / What about Bessie? / Okay. Bessie sounds made up. That's like naming a dog Fido.

Susie · Larry · Jeff:You're so fucking judgmental. / Do you like Pirate Booty? / No, it's disgusting.

Larry · Jeff:Jeff's non-response when asked if Larry talked during the putt, followed by Larry's 'That's everything! He just said everything!'

Jeff · unnamed golfer:The revelation that Hal slept with his mother-in-law, delivered as club gossip

Larry · Jeff:Larry's direct question: 'Did you fuck your mother-in-law at any point? 'Cause I ain't setting you up if you did.'

Jeff:Jeff's comment about T-shirt exposure: 'You can't have more than three-quarters of an inch of T-shirt showing.'

Larry · Jeff:Larry's inability to keep Gabby's secret, immediately telling Jeff she 'fucked one of her students'

Larry · Jeff:Larry's defense: 'I didn't directly tell him, I indirectly...' 'But you did!'

Larry · Jeff:The discussion about which high school teachers were attractive, ending with 'Miss Rogers was not the cause of any tumescence among the young men in my school'

Jeff:Jeff's logic: 'If I tell you the shortcut, then it's no longer a shortcut.'

Larry · Jeff:Larry's deduction about Gabby and Hal: 'She must've asked for a secret on their date... then told everybody about the mother-in-law.'

Larry · Jeff:Yeah. They're all pretty good, with one notable exception. [pause] Maria Sofia.

Larry · Jeff:The Gentiles are liking him. They'll put that one in the front. They're proud of that. - 'We took him in.' You know? - Yeah. Yeah, yeah. - 'We got one.' - We got one. - We got one. - We got one.

Larry · Jeff:Hey, you're at 23 percent. I'm at two. Can I take over the charger? No. Why?

Larry · Jeff:You can sit here, but you can't go to Broadway when I'm selling out show after show for ten weeks. We have an obligation imbalance, okay?

Larry · Jeff:The Prince Charles? Exactly, Mussolini's view.

Larry · Jeff:No, I said, 'Myoo-solini.' You said, 'Muss-olini.' No, it's not 'Myoo-solini' like 'muesli.'

Jeff:I confuse it with Mucilex. I take that for my coughs.

Larry · Jeff:You're the worst-dressed person I've ever seen. I can't even look at you. I get depressed. When are you gonna die? Will you just... will you please die?

Larry · Jeff:A real mechayeh. He's what? What's that? He's a mechayeh, he's a pleasure. Oh, 'pleasure.'

Larry · Jeff:Do you have any ideas? Yeah. Shoot her.

Jeff:They make the law, they can repeal the law. It's just a matter of votes. They gotta get the votes.

Jeff:So you gotta become the... the groom of Frankenstein to get rid of this fucking actress?

Larry · Jeff:How can Frankenstein have a kid? Dr. Frankenstein made love to fucking the bride of Frankenstein, and he had a fucking kid, I guess.

Jeff:How you make a woman like that and not tap it? How? How?

Larry · Jeff:Carly likes that? - I kinda think it's adorable.

Jeff:because Carly smells like that. I'm with her, if Susie smells it on me, she'll get suspicious.

Larry · Jeff:It must be difficult being so mistrustful of everyone. It's sad.

Jeff:However, downtown LA, I found a guy named Igor, same exact vase, you can't tell 'em apart. Half the price.

Larry · Jeff:The risk is my reward. You're like an outlaw.

Gregor · Larry · Jeff:Welcome, welcome to the Hotel Concordia. My name is Gregor. How can I help you?... You were shopping at Prospr! Yes, yes, yes, yeah, yeah. You in doghouse? Yeah. He's in the doghouse.

Larry · Gregor · Jeff:I... I don't know if I'm a goulash guy. Oh, you look like goulash guy. You look like you love goulash... Nice knowing you, pre-goulash.

Gregor · Larry · Jeff:People say, 'Shplendid' at least twice a day, it is fact... We don't say, 'Shplendid.' We don't say, 'Shplendid.' I've never said splendid with him in my life. Nobody... nobody else says, 'Shplendid.'

Larry · Jeff:I do. The Eskimos have 17 words for 'snow' and no word for 'I'm sorry.'... I don't know if that fact is fun.

Jeff · Larry:I will accept that. What... What are you talking about? You gonna let me pay for it? Why wouldn't I?

Jeff · Larry:Fun fact, if you make an insincere gesture, the other person might accept it... Fun fact, even if I make an insincere gesture, the other person should grudgingly pay for half... How is that a fact? It's not a fact, and it's not fun.

Susie · Jeff:You wanna rejuvenate your vagina? Yes, they do a tightening and a lift... You got it.

Susie · Jeff:Jeff, I am not mad at you about the vase anymore. Really? Yeah. You and your clumsy friend are off the hook. What? 'Cause I came up with something I'd rather have. What? Tell me. Vaginal rejuvenation surgery.

Larry · Jeff:How'd you like to wake up in the morning and have a smoothie waiting for you? - I'd like that, yeah. - Really. - Really? Leon? - Really. Well, no, not really. I... I kind of made that up.

Larry · Susie · Jeff:Would you consider maybe, uh... me sampling your wares? Is that possible? - My vagina? - Yes! - Would you mind? - Not at all, feel free.

Jeff · Larry:You know, I'm picturing your kitchen, with the... You do have that big island. We could do a buffet... What are you humming? - You know the Oscar acceptance speech, when they go on too long? So they have to cue 'em to get off stage? That's the music they play.

Jeff · Leon:This is crazy! I thought you're staying a few days. What is this? - This is all my stuff.

Jeff · Leon:No, no, no. I just had surgery, I don't do any heavy lifting. I'm asking you to lift it up with your hands, not your vagina.

Jeff:Ours is nicer, but we had to have the party here for various reasons. Just trying to be diplomatic.

Jeff:Works every time.

Jeff · Larry:Somebody is paying you to just show up at a birthday party in Atlanta. Yeah. I mean, so stupid. Yeah, rich guy. They're paying him a ton of money.

Larry · Jeff:Larry's specific contract demands: no speeches, no stand-up, no toasts, just mingling and handshaking

Jeff · Larry:Jeff dismissing Larry's appeal with 'She's the draw' when Maria Sofia is mentioned

Jeff · Larry:He's a wealthy businessman from Africa who loves Young Larry. Oh, well, now it makes sense. She's the draw.

Larry · Jeff:I'm not gonna do any speeches. I'm not gonna do any stand-up. I'm not gonna do any toasts. I'll mingle, I'll shake hands, and I'll be cordial. Do you even know how to be cordial? I think so. Do I? I would guess you do. I don't think I can, but I'll try.

Larry · Jeff · Restaurant Manager:The server Benny's mother dying creating an impossible complaint situation

Larry · Jeff:And you can't complain, obviously. No, you can't go to the manager. It's a no-win situation. Yeah, and you know what else? Now he gets a condolence tip.

Larry · Jeff:This is a... This is new. I don't know what you're talking about. Uh, you decided to just dye your hair? What are you doing that for? You sure Lady Macbeth didn't have anything to do with that?

Larry · Jeff:Larry confronting Jeff about dyeing his hair and suggesting Lady Macbeth (Susie) made him do it

Jeff · Larry:You wish you had a wife that cared about you. You wish you had a wife. I almost did a... I almost did a spit take.

Larry · Jeff · Cellmate:Larry asks Jeff to take down his cellmate's phone number because he doesn't have a phone

Larry · Jeff:Jeff says lawyer looks just like Mocha Joe, Larry has natural antipathy because of resemblance

Larry · Jeff:Still the hair dye, still going with it, huh? Oh, come on. I like it. I do. I don't think you do.

Larry · Jeff:Discovery of lawn jockey statue on rental property

Larry · Jeff:Larry says he can't stay in house with lawn jockey, Jeff worried about security deposit

Larry · Jeff:Larry says 'This Larry David they're talking about seems like quite a fellow' and 'But we know better'

Larry · Jeff:Tomorrow you have a Zoom call? I don't think so, Jeff. You're gonna have to change that. It's your birthday. No Zooming on my birthday.

Larry · Jeff:Larry claims if he wasn't born the world would be shit, Jeff responds nobody would care in It's a Wonderful Life scenario

Larry · Jeff:Larry's two-gift strategy - buy two gifts, give one, see reaction, give second if disappointed or return if satisfied

Jeff:Jeff's amazed reaction: 'How did I not think of that? So simple.'

Jeff:How did I not think of that? So simple.

Susie · Larry · Jeff · Leon:Susie threatens they'll eat the security deposit and demands exact replacement immediately

Larry · Jeff · Leon:Larry uses hair dye to darken the white lawn jockey

Jeff:You were right. Thank you. Let's go return it.

Jeff:'It's so disrespectful. It's like sneezing in someone's face.'

Larry · Jeff:'I know vulva. That's a great car.' / 'No, it's not a car.' / 'It's one of the safest cars.'

Jeff:'You know the cruel irony of this, right? You're being railroaded.'

Jeff:No one on the planet would believe that you're happy.

Jeff · Larry:I'm sick of your historical references. If nominated, I will not run. If bequeathed, I will not accept.

Jeff · Larry:That could be my puppy! - Does your neighbor have a dog? - Yeah, there's a few dogs around. So maybe one of your neighbors' dogs.

Jeff:Either my puppy's dead or it's a neighbor's dog. Nothing you could do either way.

Larry · Jeff:'Sitting prohibited during lessons' sign on roped-off bench

Jeff:You're putting me in your will 'cause you want me to put you in my will.

Jeff:'You're putting me in your will 'cause you want me to put you in my will.'

Larry · Jeff:'I got a friend in Israel!' / 'My friend lives on the equator!'

Waitress · Larry · Jeff · Irma:The breakfast menu cutoff at exactly 11:00 AM

Jeff:It was Five Easy Pieces, remember? With Jack Nicholson.

Larry · Irma · Jeff:Larry's violent objection to couples therapy contrasted with Irma's recovery needs

Jeff · Susie:What the fuck? Much healthier. Thank you.

Jeff:I'm Disgruntled. It's me. I'm Disgruntled.

Larry · Jeff:It's the best thing you've ever done in your life. Have I done any other good things? No. So this is the only one? This is the only decent thing. I've ever done? You've ever done.

Jeff · Larry:Sienna Miller - She's going out with you? - Yeah! - That gorgeous woman?

Larry · Jeff:Larry's shocked reaction: 'She's going out with you?' and 'That gorgeous woman?'

Susie · Jeff:There's a dick in my mouth? - In your mouth. - With balls? - A drawing. A drawing.

Larry · Jeff:What am I doing on that list of middle-of-the-night calls? I don't understand it. Better you than me. That's insane.

Larry · Jeff:Now I'm on a text chain with his wife and the family... Those chains. I've been on 'em. They're the worst thing ever.

Larry · Jeff:Maybe he should've gone to Atlanta and given some water to someone in the voting line, maybe. Huh? Perhaps he should've given some water.

Jeff:Claustrophobic. The middle seat. No room. No room! Ah! I can't breathe. Middle seat! Can't breathe!

Jeff · Larry:I got a great text from Abe. Why don't we leave our professional and personal lives separate, you know? It was Zeckelman, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah, it was Zeckelman.

Jeff:Three percent chance something'll happen to me. So... Susie has the power of attorney. She's in charge of all of it. So if something bad happens to me, I don't trust her.

Jeff:She could do it for any reason. Who knows? Uh, maybe on the way there we get into a fight, which is more than likely.

Larry · Jeff:Find out what? Oh. Tell her, tell her, tell her. Find out... Find out that I... Was found guilty. In his mock trial.

Larry · Jeff:I like you eating a salad, Jeff. Thank you. Very nice. It's delicious and I'm enjoying it. Good. Good for you.

Jeff:He lost his sense of smell during COVID, and... sometimes these old cars, they have a musty odor to 'em. He wants your nose.

Larry · Jeff:Oh! You're a dead man. Pull that plug! Pull it! Pull that plug, nurse!

Larry · Jeff:Could you believe he didn't give me that pen? I was shocked. He resisted the 'I like it' gambit.

Jeff · Susie:What, is there a difference? So, you need him? He doesn't know the difference between Sweden and Switzerland.

Jeff · Larry:Hey. Yeah? Catch. Ziggy Zeckelman! Not too late!

Jeff · Larry:I have COVID. You do? Yeah. I had a little sore throat, so I figured I'd take a test. What'd it say? Positive.

Larry · Jeff · Susie · Richard:We don't wanna hear that. Why can't you-- 'Cause it's a picture of you, uh... No, no! You don't have to picture me. Picture her!

Jeff:My name is Journey Gunderson. My wife is in the hospital because of the dressing on your salad.

Larry · Jeff · Auntie Rae:Ah! Journey! The doctors need to know the specific ingredients. Journey! I'm sorry. Mr. McGunderman, is that your wife? That was Karen Gunderson. She's all catawampus.

Leon · Jeff:So... my question is, where the fuck are the tapes at? Tapes? Larr-- The tapes. Larry won't give that shit up. The tapes. What tapes? The fuck tapes.

Leon · Larry · Jeff:Go fuck yourself, Larr. We'll take a vote. Go back to fucking jail, Larry. I vote with them. It's not your window.