What Have I Done

Larry · Jake's assistant:Oh, yeah. Um... - Ah, you read the script. - I d... I did. - Well, congratulations. - You can read. That's so great.

Larry · Jake's assistant:Yeah, I was calling to see if Jake had converted. Ba-dump-bump.

Larry:maybe you can think of an adjective for the script

Larry:Yeah, like I'm a comic in the Catskills.

Larry:She's not a court stenographer.

Jake's assistant:Should I be writing all this, Jake?

Larry:You might wanna check your notes.

Larry:You can just kiss goodbye to the fertilizer run up bill.

Irma:One vote. Your fault.

Larry:I was watching the House of Representatives on C-SPAN, and it made me think of you.

Larry:I bet Irma would be a great filibusteress.

Irma:But not tonight. I'm finishing a cleanse. I'm preparing for colonoscopy.

Irma:One vote.

Larry · Jeff:Carly likes that? - I kinda think it's adorable.

Jeff:because Carly smells like that. I'm with her, if Susie smells it on me, she'll get suspicious.

Larry:Isn't that how a line works? I don't like a big gap in the line.

Larry:you have a responsibility as a person on a line to keep the line moving. You're not holding up your end of the bargain.

Woman · Larry:Would you tell somebody that was a white man to just move up? - Yeah, in a second.

Larry:I tap her on the shoulder and you would've thought I called her the 'N' word.

Leon · Larry:It is racist. - What? - Of course. - Get out of here. Only a Black person would tell another Black person, and they'd move the fuck up.

Leon:You out of your lane. You swerved out of your fucking lane. Stay in your lane. That's fucking racist.

Leon:It's audacity. You had the fucking audacity.

Leon:You shouldn't have asked that lady to move up in your fucking white condition.

Leon · Larry:It's gotta be Black on Black. - So, bald on bald. - Bald on bald. - Jew on Jew. - Jew on Jew is cool too.

Larry:Wait, wait, wait. Where the fuck is other seven years goin' at?

Larry · Leon:What'd you say? I told him to stop fucking around. It's a 50-dollar valve.

Leon:He was gonna fuck you with sandpaper, you understand?

Larry:You know what you are? You're... You're like a househusband.

Leon:They need a motherfucker who knows a little bit about everything and a lot about nothing.

Ted · Larry:Are you fucking her? No! Are you fucking her mother?

Larry · Leon:House husband? - Yes. - That's right.

Leon:Cheryl is beautiful, you a handsome-ass devil. He gon' take advantage of your ass.

Larry:You get little bits of tomato on a piece of hard bread. They pile it up... You take a bite it all falls, they're very structurally unsound.

Waiter:That would just be a tomato sandwich.

Larry · Irma:Market salad. He hates us. - I do not like him at all. - He hates me.

Larry:I don't know about great. Maybe good. Great, uh... you know, Gandhi was great, Churchill, great. Gorbachev, for my money, great. But Susie Greene, I don't know if anybody's ever described her as 'Great.'

Deidre:He... he's an electrician who doesn't know how to fix electricity.

Larry:I cannot stand those March sisters. Boy, do they get on my nerves.

Larry:The giggling all the time, making jam, getting under the blanket and cozying up with Marmee.

Larry:Is there no creative realm these sisters can't conquer?

Larry · Irma:Oh. Oh, God. No. - Yeah, see I told you. Look at that.

Larry · Irma:It's a crazy law. Huh? It's a safety thing you... you... You know, you gotta put a fence around your pool. - Why? That doesn't make any...

Irma:I haven't had sex with anyone in 13 years. Just a little heads up, you know?

Irma:I've laid fallow, it's like whistling into the Sahara up there.

Larry:It's better than I expected. But I have low expectations.

Irma · Larry:Can I borrow your toothbrush? Not so sure about that. Don't think that's a great idea.

Larry:What have I done?

Larry · Irma:It's like a stretchy... It's... It's orlon. - No, it's cashmere. - It's cashmilon.

Larry:If it was pure, I wouldn't shvitz.

Larry:I don't wanna fight with you, lover.

Leon:Once you start voting, there's taxes, and... and... and jury duty, and old-ass warrants that pop up out of nowhere.

Irma:I'm eating all this. I'm nervous, You know, it's been like... It was a big night for me and now I have gas.

Leon · Larry:Gotta tap that ass under duress? That's the worst. Have you ever tapped someone under duress?

Leon:My uncle passed away unexpectedly. So, I had to tap this cougar at this mortuary. Got a half off that coffin.

Leon:They call 'em midgets or dwarves. I stack two on top of each other, make 'em one whole women. Tap that ass.

Irma:Listen to me, Larry. You're old and you're bald. I can get past that, but I don't think I can schtup somebody my daughter doesn't like.

Leon:That unpleasant bitch got you twisted the fuck up right now.

Larry · Susie:It's disgusting. - Love it. You don't like Lilac? I'm surprised at you. I really am.

Susie · Larry:What are you? You're fucking Irma Kostroski now? Well, that's a rather crude way of putting it. Do I make love to her? Yes, I do.

Larry · Susie:And he found out about the five-foot fence law. - He's extorting you? - Yeah. - That's why she's cast.

Susie · Larry:Ba-dump-bump. - The fuck was that? - What? Where you get that expression from?

Larry · Leon:I can't believe how House Husband is catching on. - Really? - Yeah, man.

Larry · Assistant:If it's not a matter of national security, there's no reason for it. - Well, if it's not a matter of national security, why can't I listen?

Larry · Assistant:Would you like it if I listened in to you and you friends when you're talking? - Well, that's really pervy.

Leon:All you need is these right here. See that? We call them anchors. Man, woman. See this? See that? What I need you to do is make love to that goddamn shelf, and hang it up.

Cheryl:I thought it was lingerie. I got a little disappointed.

Cheryl:I don't like anything unnatural near my lymph.

Cheryl:I know I give off this, like, a sex musk because I am active again.

Larry:I bruised my testicle getting off the peloton.

Larry · Deidre:Your assistant, she... Told me it was at 6:00. - Britney? - She told me six o'clock. I don't... I think you must've taken that down wrong.

Larry:Britney wanted to listen in on the conversation, I got upset, so she gave me the wrong time.

Larry · Deidre:My money, June Allyson. - Really? - With the bangs, cute. Cute. Cute? That's your criterion for what makes a great Jo?

Larry:And, by the way, who doesn't love a good bang?

Larry · Deidre:I can be a guest without a host. - Can you? - I... I think I can.

Larry · Videographer:You're tucking in the sweater? - Yes. How long you been doing that? - My whole life.

Larry · Videographer:You're tucking in the sweater? - Yes. How long you been doing that? - My whole life. - Do people comment on it? There's almost never conversation about it.

Larry:I mean, the only person I've ever seen tuck is James Mason in Lolita. 'Lolita, do you think I should tuck in my sweater? Does it look good? What would you do?'

Deidre:That's my favorite candle. Please, put that down. Why would you pick that up?

Scott:I don't know why he's not just sitting in one place and looking at his phone... like a normal person.

Deidre:I don't think I've ever seen anyone take, 'Make yourself at home' so literally.

Deidre · Scott:Oh, my God. He's taking his pants off. He is. - What is he doing? No. - Don't do that. Why is he tucking his sweater into his pants?

Larry:Let's get out the anti-nausea pills. - I'll start... crying. - Oh, God.

Larry:I would rather masturbate in... in public than have to say that stuff.

Larry:A mosquito got caught in my throat and I put my finger down there, and if they see the video... it might be, you know, misconstrued.

Larry · Videographer:Samuel Tannenbaum? - Yes. - Samuel, my Hebrew brother. Could you be a mensch and maybe reconsider this position for a... fellow tribesman.

Scott:I define it as, 'Netflix and chilling with you.'

Susie:Irma Kostroski! Keep your fucking hands off of my husband, you homewrecker! You whore! You slut!

Susie:I smell the lilacs, baby. I smell the lilacs and I knew it was you.

Leon:I got a whole fucking deck of cards. I... I got the Black card, I got the handsome card, the tall card, the Big Johnson card...

Leon · Larry:I got the Black card, I got the handsome card, the tall card, the Big Johnson card... - Oh, hold on. Hold it. Hold it. Handsome card? - Fuck, yeah. - You don't have a handsome card.

Larry:Pickles? Ah! The brine. That's what it is. - She stinks from pickles.

Susie:Hiding a second fucking phone, you asshole. Are you kidding me? Really, Jeff? Really? You stupid moron, you are fucking caught, asshole. Gotcha.

Susie:Take this down. She's fucking my husband. 'Ba-dump-bump.'