The Watermelon

Larry · Leon:Why do they do this? / Even Woody Harrelson makes speeches like this. It's just an Oscar. It's not the Nobel Peace Prize, right?

Larry:You know what my speech would be if I win an Oscar? 'I wanna thank the Academy and don't allow babies on planes, goodnight.'

Cheryl:It's a banner for our temple football team. We're playing Beth Hillel. And their defense is ridiculous. They sacked our rabbi six times last season.

Larry:Oh, yeah. The hip rabbi. Yeah.

Larry:I can't waste a day playing golf with a rabbi. Every minute is precious to me now.

Larry:That's a four-hour favor. And five, if you include lunch.

Larry · Rabbi:I'll get breast implants, too. / That's up to you.

Friend:You got a face for it. You're gonna look great.

Larry:How the fuck did he make that putt?

Larry:You're like a mouse, scurrying back to your seat.

Leon:Okay. I fucking lied, okay? I fucking love watermelon, I love it. But I can't eat this shit in front of white people.

Leon:I fucking love watermelon, I love it. But I can't eat this shit in front of white people.

Leon:Even Black people don't like to see Black people eat fucking watermelon. I feel bad for the fucking watermelon.

Leon:I gotta put the frickin' watermelon in a little napkin and go in the bathroom and eat that shit. Or go into the fucking forest and eat that shit.

Larry:It's dynamic. I don't know if it's biodynamic, but it's definitely dynamic.

Larry · Woody:Larry's elaborate lie about owning a farm with a cow named Jessie to avoid cream-shaming

Larry:I have a farm. And a cow. I... And the cow has a calf. And after the calf is finished, that's when I take it.

Larry:I'm cream-shaming all the time!

Larry:Sometimes, I'll just lie in the sun and watch her chew that cud. I have never loved an animal the way I love this cow.

Larry:Thursday is not good. I got... I gotta work on Thursday, yeah. Oh, okay. Friday? Friday's not good.

Jeff · Larry:Jessie's the worst name for a cow I've ever heard. / Fuck you. That's a good name for a cow. / What about Bessie? / Okay. Bessie sounds made up. That's like naming a dog Fido.

Larry:No. Jessie, you know a young lady who skateboards. That's who Jessie is.

Susie:What am I, Little House on the fucking Prairie here? I don't know cows and farms!

Larry · Heidi:This is like a trick of some kind. / Promise we're not tricking you. / I think actually three is one and two is four.

Larry:That's been my problem in my life. I don't stay with the first instinct. I go to the second instinct.

Larry:Freedom of speech, that's so overrated. There shouldn't be freedom of speech, unless it's me, of course. And that should've been in the constitution. Freedom of speech for Larry David. Everybody else said 'Ask Larry.'

Heidi:'There are no ties in optometry, you got to pick one.'

Larry · Klansman:Larry accidentally spilling coffee on KKK robe due to dilated eyes

Larry · Klansman:I always thought it was a sheet. / It's not a sheet anyway. This is a robe. Feel it.

Larry:Why do they make these white anyway? They stain so easily, you guys, you're out all the time in the fields, with the burning, and the ashes, you must spend a lot of money at the cleaners for this thing.

Larry · Klansman:If I was starting your organization, I would've opted for a black robe. / You can't see black in the middle of the night. / Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right. You wanna see the white.

Larry · Klansman:Klansman and Larry exchanging 'Stay strong!' - 'Stay strong, brother!' and 'White is right!'

Larry:You will have this robe for your hate rallies in Tucson and Santa Fe.

Klansman · Larry:And hey, uh, no starch, no crease, please. / No starch in the robe?

Larry · Dry Cleaner:As far as Klansmen go, he's a decent Klansman, yeah. / A decent Klansman is a Klansman.

Larry:But, you see what you're doing here? What you're doing is what they're doing. You don't wanna have anything to do with this particular group, that's their mantra.

Larry:You don't wanna have anything to do with this particular group, that's their mantra. And now that's what you're doing.

Larry:Turn your cheek! Let's not be like them. Let's show them that we're different. We don't discriminate.

Larry:When the exam was over, she dropped a Pirate's Booty on the floor. Didn't pick it up.

Larry:It's indicative of a moral compass gone askew.

Larry:I saw her look at the Pirate's Booty, make the decision not to pick it up and walk out of the room.

Susie · Larry · Jeff:You're so fucking judgmental. / Do you like Pirate Booty? / No, it's disgusting.

Susie · Larry:So what? What do you mean 'So what'? There's a sense of entitlement there, it's not a good quality.

Rabbi · Larry:I wasn't sure you were gonna make it. Come on, I'm a man of my word. Are you kidding?

Larry · Rabbi:I've tried 50 times, I've never ever been able to get anything out of it. / Why don't you give it a try? / No, it's ridiculous. I can't do it. / How do you know? You might be a regular Dizzy Gillespie.

Larry:I've tried 50 times, I've never ever been able to get anything out of it.

Larry:I'm never gonna pick this up for the rest of my life.

Larry · Leon:He said he'd like to buy the watermelon. / And that's okay. Because it's not a crime for a Black man to like watermelon, is it?

Larry · Cashier:I would like to, uh... Go ahead. ...buy this watermelon.

Cashier · Larry:I like watermelon. I like it. I like watermelon! / He likes watermelon! Of course, you like it, because it's delicious! Why wouldn't you like it?

Larry:You know what? I love gefilte fish. Yeah, you heard me, gefilte fish. And I'm gonna have it with a smear of cream cheese on a bagel. And I might even have some herring.

Dry cleaner:I've looked everywhere. I can't find the robe. It's lost.

Dry Cleaner:If you're gonna give an important job like that to a member of an inferior race, you gotta expect us to screw it up.

Dry cleaner:If you're gonna give an important job like that to a member of an inferior race, you gotta expect us to screw it up.

Larry:He is a decent Klansman, but he's still a Klansman!

Larry:You will be the envy of every Klansman! They'll look at you, they'll go, 'Hey, what, did you see Joe's robe? Look at Joe's robe, where do I get one of those?' You'll get invited to the Grand Wizard's house for dinner.

Larry:You will be the envy of every Klansman! They'll look at you, they'll go, 'Hey, what, did you see Joe's robe? Look at Joe's robe, where do I get one of those?'

Larry · Jeff's wife:What kind of a man? A Klansman. What do you mean, a Klansman? Yeah, a Ku Klux Klansman. What? What are you, fucking crazy?

Larry:I did play golf with the rabbi. He was the slowest player I've ever been with. You do owe me a favor.

Jeff's wife · Larry:Next thing you're gonna do is tell me some of them are very good people. I did play golf with the rabbi.

Larry:Don't make the sleeves too floppy because they can get burned when he's lighting the torches.

Joe · Larry:We had a fabulous square dance. Oh, yeah. Yeah, right in the barn. You square... Yeah.

Larry · Woody:I got milky fingers, you know what that is? / I never heard of that. / It's a farm term, it means when you milk too much and your fingers get very stiff and you can't close them up.

Larry:You know, uh, we don't see gender here on this farm. We're kind of a woke farm. We're the most progressive farm in the valley, Woody.

Joe · Larry · Woody:I won't let the Jew charge you. / We harass each other all the time, yeah. / What do you call him? / I just call him a racist cocksucker.

Freddy · Heidi:Did you drop the Pirate Booty or did you not? No, but who would tell you something so insane?

Woody · Larry:Fucking Hollywood leftist bullshit is what you are. / It looks like it is a sense of entitlement there.

Larry · Woody · Joe:Pick up the fucking grape, Woody! / Sure, I'll pick up the grape, Joe. Here, here's your grape. / Fuck you with your fucking grape!

Woody · Larry:Teddy was right about you, Larry. / Ted Danson? What did he say? / You should've picked up the grape!

Heidi:Was that a one or a two?

Heidi:Heidi's revenge eye exam: 'Was that a one or a two?' while Larry is dilated

Leon · Larry:What the fuck was that? / That... was a Mary Ferguson. / I brought her back here to meet you. She was perfect! / Lost another one. That's three, Larry.

Klansmen · Larry:You will not replace us! / Look at this guy! He's a Jew! / No! Stop! Some lady made it!