Larry David

Larry · Cheryl:It's just material. -Yeah, I know. -But really, look at these pants. -I've seen pants bunch up-- I have never seen a bunch-up like this in my life. -This is like a five-inch bunch-up I got here.

Larry · Cheryl:Is it a bad thing? Maybe it's not such a bad thing. 'Cause you want people to think you constantly have an erection?

Larry · Cheryl:I got a tent. -It's a big one.

Larry · Cheryl:What do I do on Monday nights? I don't know, what? You take a bath? -Yoga.

Larry:He could've invited me to go along with him. What's the big deal?

Cheryl · Larry:You don't ask somebody to go to the movies when you have a date. -He's going to the same movie at the same time. -He has a date! -So what?

Larry:I don't know, I'll have to ask Hitler.

Larry · Jeff:Get me off the speakerphone, please! -Hold on. -Now you're off the speakerphone. -What's wrong with you? I thought this was a private conversation!

Sofia · Larry · Richard Lewis:Are you looking at my breasts? I'm not looking at your breasts, I'm trying to get to my seat. -He's looking at my breasts. -Yeah, your special breasts.

Larry · Nancy · Richard Lewis:Can you believe that? Did you hear that? -I did. -Jerk. -I hate her. -What a sick fuck.

Sofia · Larry:You're so funny. You know, only on deeply religious holidays.

Larry · Richard Lewis:I'll be up till 5:00 in the morning if I have a cup of coffee now. Did you ever hear the word 'decaf'? Decaf doesn't work that well. That'll keep me up till 2:00.

Larry:I get the distinct feeling that I'm, like, Himmler's ghost.

Larry · Richard Lewis:What does that mean? Leisurely? -Somewhere between 2 and 20 hours.

Larry:but I think your friend, Nancy... thinks she got me aroused in the movie.

Larry:She thought that there was some garbage there.

Larry · Cheryl:Like it was awkward. -There was a little twinkle.

Larry:It's not obvious! Look.

Larry:Because any idiot could tell that was just material. She's your friend.

Larry:So, it was really uncool to just leave that message, 'I'm sorry,' on my machine... 'cause my wife, she asked me, 'What is he sorry about?' And I had no answer.

Jeff · Larry:I'm writing Kathy Griffin a letter of apology. Why? What did you do? We did nothing to each other... but just every week, I end up writing her an apology letter.

Larry:What if Kathy called you up... and said that she wanted me to write a pilot for her... and you said, no, I wasn't available, without consulting me.

Larry · Jeff:'He's a big, fat idiot.' -Big, fat idiot? -Come on. Tell her I'm an idiot, don't say I'm a fat idiot.

Larry · Jeff:Because of one stupid little joke I made in the car? -One stupid, little thing. -Because of the gay Jew cousin?

Jeff · Larry:Talk about being ostracized. -Yeah. -Gay Jew in Nazi Germany? -Yeah. -He must have had a hard time. -Yep. What a combo.

Larry:First of all, they're not breasts, they're just big chemical balls, okay?

Richard Lewis · Larry:We've already had intercourse. She's loving, she speaks seven languages-- -Congratulations on the intercourse.

Larry:Does she ask you to go over the Neil Simon scripts at night? The actress? Make you do some readings at night with her in bed?

Larry:You know what she should be reading? Emily fucking Post! That's what she should be reading!

Richard Lewis · Larry:You'd better call me later on, by sundown. By sundown? What are you, Gary Cooper?

Larry:And is a posse gonna come get me?

Larry:She's given up her career to work full-time for the environment.

Larry · Jeff:I'm not gonna go upstairs. -Whatever, you know, it's your business. You wanna, you wanna, you don't, you don't. I can't make you.

Larry:Even before the movie, Larry said, 'Look at these pants.' I pointed out the pants to her before the movie.

Larry:I can name sources! Sophia Loren was once a source!

Larry:I can name sources! Sophia Loren was once a source! I know my sources! Sometimes they're mysterious sources, I don't know where it comes from! Other times, I can pinpoint it!

Hostess · Larry:I saw it once, it was good. -Did you, really? Which one? -I can't remember.

Larry:No!

Larry:I don't know if I can spend another evening with these people.

Larry · Bowling Alley Employee:Those aren't mine. No, they gotta be. They're not my shoes.

Larry · Bowling Alley Employee:What kind of guy would take somebody else's shoes? A guy that has these shoes.

Larry:Everything's heaven with him. The piece of gum he had, 'Oh, this is heaven.' Had to taste a chocolate bar. 'I'm in heaven.' The parking space is 'heaven.' It's all 'heaven.'

Larry:He asked lots of questions about my personal hygiene, too. I'm not gonna even tell you what they were... but really personal.

Larry:It must be hell living with Ted Danson. That's got to be hard.

Larry · Cheryl:Why couldn't you be friends with her? Because she's a woman.

Larry:If we're gonna be making friends with them... I'd just as soon be friends with her. You can be friends with him. And you could get the personal hygiene questions, okay?

Larry:Heaven, it was heaven.

Larry · Mary's Mother:I don't think.... They don't let me into certain states, actually. Why not? I'm incorrigible.

Larry:Nothing gives me more pleasure than cracking an egg. Nothing. I'll make you some omelets. I will flip you out.

Mary · Larry:That is so sexy. Mary! I'm sorry. We're friends, I can say that. No big deal. I know, I'm sorry. I'm just very old-fashioned about that kind of.... No, Larry, honey, that's my water.

Cheryl · Larry:That's bizarre, don't you think? Why? I've never been able to get you to go shopping before.

Larry:Maybe you just figured wrong.

Larry · Shoe Thief:How can they be your shoes? How can they be? Because that guy gave them to you by mistake the other day.

Larry:What's weird is that you'd take shoes that don't belong to you and put them on.

Shoe Thief · Larry:That would be, that'd be kind of weird. No, that's gonna be weird for you now, after I get the shoes back.

Larry:Or even weirder that you left without even your shoes.

Larry:A lie is a gesture, it's a courtesy. It's a little respect. This is very disrespectful.

Larry:And I went.... Like that.

Larry:You know, it's kind of half-jacket, half-shirt, half-man, half-beast.

Larry:You know, it's kind of half-jacket, half-shirt, half-man, half-beast.

Larry · Mary:Sunday night? We thought it was last night. No, we went last night. He's playing three nights, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Larry · Mary's Mother:I guess it's you and me, huh? Guess so.

Larry:The cowboy hat with that bolo string, what is that?

Larry:I see certain items, and I recoil in horror.

Cheryl · Larry:He might have to have bypass surgery. - Really? Can you believe that? - No.

Larry · Gil:How are you, Gil? You sounded like my friend John.

Larry · Cheryl:He used to be a porno actor like 15 years ago. No, I don't wanna go to a porn party.

Larry:That's your own deal, Repression Jones.

Larry:What if I get in an accident on the way home? The porn flies everywhere, strewn all over the car, all over my bleeding body.

Larry · Jeff:Try not to die. Thank you.

Cheryl · Larry:Then why did you get it? I don't know. I wanted to get everything. I wanted to have all the loaded things.

Cheryl · Larry:When were you gonna learn? I don't know. I thought somebody would teach me.

Stranger · Larry:You're lost? I wasn't lost then. You didn't know where you were going. In my book, that's lost.

Larry · Stranger:There's no hostility, there's no anger. Can I just have the paper back? Please! You snap!

Larry:I've always wanted to drive around in this area for hours. It's quite scenic, don't you think? And they have some very colorful characters. I enjoyed Baby Jane a lot, didn't you?

Golf Range Guy · Larry:You wouldn't help me with the ball. The ball? The range ball. It fell and you wouldn't help me out.

Larry:Jake's Way is not marked, there's no sign for it. You may have included that in the directions.

Gil · Larry:If you would take your shoes off... Really? Just take them off. It's just a custom my wife started in the house.

Larry:I'll leave mine on, is that okay? They're completely clean. Look, see?

Cheryl · Larry:Did he tell you this was a dinner party, Larry? No, he said 'party.' I wouldn't go to a dinner party.

Gil · Larry:That's a collection of small bottles, and I like them. It's very interesting. They're not as big as normal.

Larry · Melanie:We were so hungry, that we had a bag of potato chips in the car... Potato chips on the way to a dinner party? What's that?

Larry:Maybe we can stop and pick up some Tabasco.

Larry:My back. Oh, shit! I'm so sorry! Everyone sit down. There's glass on the floor. No one move.

Larry:My feet have a tendency to get a little chilly when I take my...

Larry · Cheryl:What's the level of anger here? What am I dealing with? I'd say... at least an 8.7.

Cheryl · Larry:Then you broke that lamp... and that crazy woman screamed at you, and it got you some pity points. Pity points? Fabulous! I love pity points.

Larry:I don't wanna do a double-goodbye. I've already said goodbye under the worst circumstances. You want me to go and do the double-goodbye?

Larry:I gotta take my shoes off now.

Cheryl · Larry:Is that a barn? Think it was too small for a barn. It looked more like a stable.

Larry:Hi. That's a friend of mine. Gil Thilander. I had dinner at his house... yesterday. You like that?

Larry:What a moron! lt's only two yards that you're gonna get. So what? You don't need two yards.

Larry · Cheryl:The prostitutes don't mind it. / They give you a discount? / They do, they get off on it.

Larry:Somebody told me today that too much soy makes your brain shrink. Kind of scared me a little bit. l've been having soy for breakfast with my cereal, everyday for the last 10 years.

Larry:What am l gonna do, switch to milk now? l don't know if l could switch to milk. You know, cholesterol. Can't win, really.

Larry · Cheryl:How's your cousin, Griffin? / Griffin is my nephew.

Larry:l'm sensing rancor. Or is it 'ranker'? 'Rancor'?

Larry:How about: 'Honey, l forgive you. Would you like to have sex?' How about that? Or any combination of that. Either forgiveness or the sex. Of course, both would be great. That would be ideal. l'm not expecting both.

Larry:lf you were watching the Oscars or something, okay... and they were about to announce the best-actress category... and l came home... l would say, 'No, sit down, finish watching it.'

Larry:lf it was in the third quarter... easily, l'd give you 15 minutes. But we're in the last two minutes of the game. They've got the ball on the 35-yard line.

Richard · Larry:You haven't shaved? / All right, what's going on? / Nothing. / No, something's up with you.

Larry:Yeah, that's it. That's what l was afraid of.

Homeless man · Larry:You're that chicken l'orange guy. Oh, yeah! How you doing? Good, how are you? Good to see you. Nice to see you. Thanks a lot for that chicken, that was highly appreciated.

Homeless man · Larry:You wouldn't have any spare change? / No. / Here's a piece of gum.

Larry · Stranger:Excuse me, sir, could you do me a favor? l'm gonna dial a number. lf a woman answers the phone, just hang up... and if a man answers, hand it back to me, okay?

Stranger · Larry:What is this about? / l hate my friend's girlfriend. l don't wanna talk to her.

Richard · Larry:That's the first thank you in over two years. / You haven't done anything to thank you for. / Good point.

Richard · Larry:ls there a name like 'Pluto's Tail'? / l don't know the name of it. / ls it on one of the velvet neck things? / Yeah, it's right in the front center-- / No, it's a necklace-- / lt's a bracelet. lt's not on a hand.

Larry:Why'd l ever call this guy?

Larry:Smarty pants. Closed.

Richard · Larry:l told you, 25 relatives had heart attacks in my family. Do me one, let me walk. / Okay, please. / l'm not lying.

Richard · Larry:with their grotesque penis. / l'm missing something. / No, l think it's a good theory. / lt's a disgusting theory at lunch, l'll tell you that.

Larry · Richard:There's a space here to tip a captain? A captain? lnstead of a waiter? No, both. Look at this. There's a space for a captain, and a space for a waiter.

Richard · Larry:Allotment? / l have 20 percent allotted to the waiter. / Sound like you're in the schmata business. / The captain's gonna be horning in now on my allotment?

Larry:What does a captain do? l think l saw. The guy at the podium. He pointed.

Larry:Let the waiter give the captain 10 percent if he wants. l'll give the waiter the money.

Larry:Next time, there'll be a space for a lieutenant... then maybe a colonel, tip the colonel. 'How much, Colonel?' What does the colonel get?

Richard · Larry:l bet in school, you didn't put the little penny in the UNlCEF slots? / l put a lot of pennies.

Richard · Larry:How can you not help a blind man? / How could you say 'blind man,' in front of a blind man?

Larry · Michael:l meant 'sightless.' l respect the blind as much as anybody. / lt's not a problem, believe me. / l didn't mean that in a derogatory sense.

Larry · Richard:l got my own problems. l'm a recovering alcoholic. l have intimacy problems. / Poor guy, terrible intimacy problems. / Can't get close to a woman. lt's a terrible thing.

Larry · Richard:lt happens to be true. l am just saying, we're all the same. He can't see, and you have intimacy problems. / You guys have a lot in common.

Larry · Michael:Try to think about my fingers once, will you? / l had a colonoscopy two weeks ago. / You have no strength. You're so fucking dainty.

Michael · Larry:Back up! / You're like a goddamn lion tamer.

Michael · Larry:Back up! / You're like a goddamn lion tamer.

Larry · Michael:Be well, take care of yourself. / Okay, just the mattress. / Where do you want the mattress? / ln the bedroom.

Michael · Larry:Just bring the TV in and stick it... in the fireplace there... and go. / Get the TV from the bedroom? / Stick it in the recess of the fireplace.

Michael · Larry:What in the name of God am l gonna do with a TV in my room? l'm blind. / But it doesn't work in here! lt just doesn't fit! / That's where it belongs! Are you questioning my sense of space?

Larry · Richard:The blind man misled us, though. / lt's true, but-- / He did mislead us. He didn't tell us the truth about what we had to move. He was a deceptive blind man.

Larry · Richard:l think if you're blind, you have some.... You got a license, you got a blind license? / l can finish my own thought-- / You weren't doing a very good job of it.

Richard · Larry:You helped a blind man, and, to me, this was a great day. / lt was? / Yeah. / Every day's a great day for me. / Look at you, Norman Vincent Lewis.

Richard · Larry:You are never filled with any gratitude. You have no gratitude. / You have more serenity? / ln my own way l do. / l am in pretty bad shape, if that's the case.

Larry:You are just a babbling brook of bullshit.

Larry:You are just a babbling brook of bullshit.

Larry:You didn't happen to pick up my credit card at lunch today, did you? I don't know, I must have left it on the table or something.

Larry:You didn't happen to pick up my credit card at lunch today, did you? / I don't know, I must have left it on the table or something.

Larry:Got her some roses. Boy, it's amazing how these roses work.

Larry:he was with me today... and he just asked me if he could buy it for his girlfriend... and l guess l kinda told him 'okay.'

Cheryl · Larry:So, l don't want the bracelet because we made up? / That doesn't make sense. / l know it doesn't, it was stupid.

Larry:No. He's got caller lD, and l'm gonna be on the phone... for five hours, explaining to him why l hung up, and l don't want that.

Larry:l'll get up and go down there. l will be there when they open the store. l will turn the key. l'll greet them in the morning.

Larry · Perry:That waiter didn't share that tip with you? / No, he didn't. / That is so unfair. That's terrible.

Larry:Richard! Wait!

Receptionist · Larry:Melissa Winnaker, or Winoker. -Marissa. -That'll do it. Winokur.

Larry:What is it, like a bakery? You pick a number... the first number goes?

Larry:Why even give out the appointments? For this policy, you don't need appointments.

Larry:It's no Swiss picnic for me, either.

Larry:No comment until the time limit is up.

Larry:People at doctor's offices can't talk, is that a rule?

Larry:It's not right. You're in a doctor's office, don't chitchat. Don't ask him how his day was. You know, let him examine you, you go out.

Larry · Parking Attendant:-l don't think l have any money. -Did you look in your little change thing?

Larry · Parking Attendant:l'll give you $5 back on Friday, l promise. -Do you promise? -l promise. -Will you be here on Friday?

Larry:Let me tell you something, my days of elevator etiquette are over. I'm not holding doors anymore, not letting women out first anymore.

Larry:I'm writing like Tarzan.

Larry:I'm a very vivacious man.

Larry:I'm a pastel man.

Larry:The stupid cell phone. The signal failed, that's what that's called.

Larry:l'm gonna give her $10. l'm giving her $7 more, all right?

Larry:Just tell her that it's from the bald guy with the glasses.

Lawyer Receptionist · Larry:-lt's policy. -What kind of policy? For parking we take the money, but not from--

Larry · Receptionist:Unfortunately, that's me. It's a good look.

Larry:I'm sorry, I didn't know it was you.

Larry:Because l took so long in your husband's office that day... he kept me waiting for 45 minutes because of his ridiculous... waiting policy that he has

Larry · Marissa:Wait a second, you read my script? -Right, that's-- -Then you charge me for reading my script?

Larry:I'm gonna take those notes, and I'm gonna shove them up my own ass.

Larry:$30 you got from me!

Larry · Jeff:Did she have an attitude, or is it my imagination? She had an attitude. Big time.

Larry:That lamp looks very familiar.

Larry:Hi, Diane.

Larry:You can't spare a quarter?

Larry:Do you have any change on you? Just a quarter? You can't spare a quarter?

Larry · Receptionist:l don't understand. What's going on? l came in before her, l signed in the sheet. You'll be happy to know they've changed policy.

Larry:That's a good policy, me first, that's the policy. From now on, you know what we'll have in this office? The 'You First' policy.

Larry:Let me tell you something, okay, John? I didn't ask her to read that script. She read the script. She didn't have to read it.

Larry:Who gives a shit? I didn't ask her to read it. I don't want her notes. I don't care about her notes. I don't need them.

Larry:Not embarrassed for me.

Larry · Jeff · Cheryl:I sponsored a kid from the inner city to go to summer camp. You sponsored an inner-city kid? An underprivileged kid. You're kidding. No. I'm completely nonplussed. Is that the right word?

Larry:He set fire to the canteen and his cabin.

Larry:I tried to stop a woman who was about to get hit by a car, I screamed, 'Watch out!' And she said, 'Don't you tell me what to do!'

Larry:I'm out of the nice now, after a fire.

Larry · Jeff:If you're gonna be a maniac, pyro is a bad maniac. Not a good maniac. That's not a good maniac.

Dean · Larry:Is that Swiss coffee or vanilla bean? I think it's Chocolate Cho-Cho.

Larry:I'm gonna get a divorce, I'm telling you. I can't take her anymore!

Larry:A lot of people sue me. I'm very vulgar and... You might wind up suing me.

Larry:Like you want to get something buried, you don't know if it's guaranteed. You don't even know if that... There's a lot of papers to be signed.

Larry:Fuck him!

Larry:They'll talk on the phone, go out to dinner, go to the movies? Start e-mailing each other? Summer vacations? Is he out of his fucking mind?

Larry · Cheryl:10:00 is the cut-off time. You don't call people after 10:00. No, the cut-off time is 10:30. They have kids. You don't call after 10:00. No, 10:30.

Larry:You want a prick, and this guy's a prick. Look at you. You're a prick, you're doing a good job. Are you a prick or not?

Larry:Get the kid to burn my house, so I don't have to worry about the wire.

Larry:He's a eunuch. Yes. His testicles were cut off when he was about 13 because he was in the Beth Shalom choir. And that's what he wanted to be, he was a choirboy.

Larry · Jeff:What the hell are you doing over there? He's supposed to be here! I can't kick him out, we've got business to do. What do you mean? I've got Julia Louis-Dreyfus in his house waiting for him!

Cheryl · Larry:I guess Julia will have to come back over. You'll have to arrange another meeting. Are you out of your mind now? Get Julia back over there? You think I'm gonna ask her again to do this?

Larry:I'm not pushing, 2 minutes is pushing. 10 minutes is not pushing. That's not a push. That is right in the wheelhouse. I have 10 minutes before the cut-off time.

Larry:I got to tell you, I never heard of a 9:30 cut-off.

Larry · Brad:Most people have a 10:00 or 10:30 cut-off. I think 9:30 with kids is great. Seems like an early cut-off to me. And for visitors, it's more like 9:00.

Larry · Brad:Most people have a 10:00 or 10:30 cut-off. I think 9:30 with kids is great. Seems like an early cut-off to me. It's pretty standard. And for visitors, it's more like 9:00.

Larry · Brad:Most people have a 10:00 or 10:30 cut-off. I think 9:30 with kids is great. Seems like an early cut-off to me.

Larry:Did you find a little brown pad, it has a little black trimming on the side?

Susie · Larry:What the fuck was that about, calling at 10:20 at night the other day? I thought the cut-off was 10:30. You know I have trouble sleeping?

Susie · Larry:Who is this schmuck, fuck-face lawyer you set us up with? I could see how one could interpret that as a serious error in judgment.

Susie · Larry:What if something you cared about was missing? You don't give a shit about anything! My baseball cards. All right. See? Now, it's not so funny anymore. Mickey Mantle might not be there.

Larry · Julia:Jesus Christ. This looks bad, I know it does. This is my bracelet. Cheryl bought the same bracelet that you-- Julia, I swear to you, I didn't--

Dean · Larry:That was maybe an encounter, but that's not a meeting. I don't know why you're quibbling about semantics here. You met her. It was an unpleasant meeting, it wasn't a long meeting, but it was, nevertheless, a meeting.

Larry · Dean:Maybe you can get yourself a new sweater. It's 'E-I.' Weinstock.

Larry · Dean:I'll get a check, Sherlock. Perfect, check is fine. Maybe you can get yourself a new sweater.

Larry · Jeff:What is it? What is it? It's tuna. I don't like tuna.

Larry:That's my specialty, length.

Larry:The width, what about the width? There's some good width in that movie.

Larry · Cheryl:Johnny Carson used to say that. Fun stuff! He's really good at impersonations. What, do you have to be sarcastic? I could barely tell who you were doing!

Larry:Personal reasons? She said, 'I've got personal reasons. I can't do it.' You can get away with anything. Nobody has to explain. They just say it's personal.

Larry:She said she liked it. She didn't like it. 'Enjoy' does not mean 'like.'

Larry · Cheryl:What is this compulsion to have people over your house and serve them food and talk to them? It's fun, it's a gathering, a party. What a strange thing.

Larry:I'd like to make a bet that I'm not close to having a good time.

Larry · Cheryl:Blow job in the car. A blow job in the car. How about a side bet? Depends on where we're going.

Larry:Until I moved to Los Angeles, I was never in the same room as a caterer. Ever, once. You can give me a Swanson's turkey dinner and I could care less.

Jeff · Larry:You never congratulated me on my new car. What, are you kidding? No, I'm not kidding. I was hurt by it.

Larry:It's not like having a kid. I didn't know that congratulations were in order when you get a new car.

Larry · Jeff:What'd you pay for this? It's personal. Personal? What are you, insane? It's personal, everything's personal.

Larry · Jeff · Other driver:Aamco: double A, M-C-O. I didn't honk at you, you fucking asshole! It was the radio, Larry! What are you, nuts? Fucking idiot. Fucking asshole!

Jeff · Larry:Larry, Aamco. 'Double A, beep, beep, M-C-O.' It sounded like his horn.

Larry · Allison:Annie's a little girl, or an adult? Annie Get Your Gun. It's not Annie. Not little Annie? No, not with the dog. I was wondering, how's she gonna be on both?

Mike · Larry:Do you get paid every time they show that? Yeah. That's great. I was thinking the other day, how great it would be if Aamco paid me for transmissions that I fixed six years ago.

Larry · Jeff · Mike:That's good, how you just did that. What? He's very good. You told him about the Aamco thing? No. Very funny. I work for Aamco. Very funny joke. I work for Aamco. No, I'm not kidding you. I do.

Larry:So I turned around, and I started yelling at the guy. He started yelling back. The guy got so pissed off he rammed us from behind and sped away.

Mike · Larry:That was a good show, Friends. Did you have anything to do with that one? No, hell of a show. That's in reruns now, too, isn't it? Is it? I can't believe they get paid every time it comes on.

Larry:Oh, boy! When's the next meeting of the Young Republicans' Club?

Larry · Cheryl:The next time you do one of these things, I want some Jews in the house. Okay, I'll make a note of that. I want some Cohens, some Bernsteins, some Goldsteins, a Schwartz, okay?

Larry · Cheryl:What about the guy who took my seat? What was that about? Yeah, why didn't you say something? He pushed me away because you said, 'Sit anywhere you want.'

Larry · Cheryl:How do you do that, again? 'The Father, Son, Holy Spirit.' What are you touching here? Your belly button? Some people go farther down, but most go to the chest.

Larry · Cheryl:And guess what? What? Somebody lost a little bet tonight. Somebody owes somebody...

Larry · Cheryl:Can we please go back to Colgate? Why? I just don't like... There's no taste to that Indian thing.

Larry:I hate messages like that. Either just say, 'Call me back,' or tell me why you're feeling weird. What could I have done to make him feel weird? I can't think of anything.

Larry · Cheryl:Where's all the food from last night? Where are the leftovers? I don't know. Did you tell the caterer to take things home?

Larry · Cheryl:This is stealing. I know it is. I mean, this is ridiculous. She didn't even ask anybody? I'm calling... This is very unprofessional, if you ask me. It's completely unprofessional.

Larry:Survived the trip here? Where did you come from, the Sudan? What are you talking about?

Larry · Debbie:You gave it to a homeless shelter? Yes, I did. And where is this homeless shelter? The Scott Mission on Fourth. So they eat this gourmet food? Catered food?

Carmel · Larry:Sorry to interrupt, but I dropped the food off at Jeff's. You dropped the food off at Jeff Greene's?

Larry · Jeff:Enjoying the chicken? I was gonna bring this by your house. What? Bring it by your house. I thought you wouldn't mind me having some.

Larry:What a racket you've got going. What do you get? Ten percent of my salary, ten percent of my food?

Jeff · Larry:What are the odds of an Aamco guy? There might be a problem with that.

Larry · Homeless man:Ever eat over at that mission on Fourth Street? Do they ever serve anything like chicken l'orange or tuna tapenade? The only thing they serve is soup, and sometimes peanut butter.

Homeless man · Larry:The only thing they serve is soup, and sometimes peanut butter. Soup and peanut butter.

Craig · Larry:I don't drink. / It's chocolate.

Larry:After we had intercourse, we got married very quickly.

Larry:And then you couldn't do it after she killed herself.

Larry:If it was her mother, I'd ask you to go back on the plane and wait maybe six days, a week. For an aunt? For an aunt who doesn't even live where you live...

Larry:I've never actually used it myself, but I think it works.

Larry:I've got a breath problem? What-- No, I thought I saw a bug, that's creepy.

Larry · Jeff · Larry:Once you've got the outfit on, you might as well wear it to its completion. / Maintain the outfit. / 'To its completion.'

Larry · Jeff · Larry · Jeff · Larry · Jeff · Larry:Killed herself. / No, she didn't. / Killed herself-- / Why? / Nobody knows, she didn't leave a note. / That is so rude, isn't that? / That's really rude.

Larry:If you leave your house for 10 minutes to get a container of milk you tell somebody where you went. I let my wife know before I go anywhere. Would it have killed her to leave a note?

Cheryl · Larry:He broke up with her last night and.... Isn't that awful, Larry? -What kind of timing.... It's unbelievable.

Cheryl · Larry:If your aunt died, I would be right by your side to support you. / If my aunt killed herself, I'd encourage you to leave the house.

Larry:Can't go on. Must go on.

Larry:No, we just, you know... he talked about Aunt Louise and the minibar.

Larry · Store clerk:You need a scissor to cut the paper, right? / To cut the paper, yeah. / And scotch tape, too, right? / Right. / Do they sell all that in the same store? / No, I don't believe they do.

Larry:How many stores are we talking about?

Larry:I told him to wait till he got back to Tallahassee! I didn't say to do it last night at the wake.

Larry:He's a bad guy, I was doing you a favor!

Larry:I don't give a shit.

Jeff's mother · Larry:What kind of present is that? Not wrapped nicely. / Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I looked in stores, I couldn't find any wrapping store. There's no wrapping stores anywhere?

Larry · Jeff's mother:Elizabeth Taylor wears glasses. She has the exact same glasses! / I can't use 'em. I have a prescription in my lenses.

Jeff · Jeff · Larry · Jeff · Larry:'Louise Hoenin, devoted sister, beloved cunt'? / What? It says that in the paper? Let me see this. / That's unbelievable! / I know! You said 'aunt,' I wrote down 'aunt'! That's bullshit!

Larry:She was looking in the toaster and I was holding the toaster... she wanted to get a better look at her face in it and she leaned against the back of my hand... and so, I didn't want to just turn.... I didn't want to hurt her feelings by taking it away fast.

Larry:She rubbed up against the back of my hand! I didn't do anything!

Larry:I'll dream about fucking your mother. 'Sweet dreams.'

Larry · Jeff · Larry:Even when I was dating, I would wait four months before I would try and make a breast move, you know? / I understand. / Not in their kitchen, in front of their daughter-in-law and son--

Jeff · Larry · Larry:That's called 'Indian giving.' / I know what it's called. / It's a very racist term, but I'm okay with that.

Larry:Wake him up, get him out, that's my room.

Larry:I'm Frank Sinatra, Jr., you're turning me away tonight? Jr. walks in and you turn him away? The Pope is being shooed out into the street. Are you going to shoo The Pope out?

Larry · Hotel clerk · Larry · Hotel clerk:Elizabeth Taylor sunglasses. / They're very nice-- / Elizabeth Taylor wears these sunglasses. / Thank you, sir, I wear prescription. Thank you very much.

Craig · Larry · Craig · Larry:Thanks for ratting me out to Becky, really appreciated it. / I did not rat you out. / You told her everything we talked about. And I told you not to say anything. / That's your problem.

Larry:Can I interest you in some sunglasses?

Larry:Just pretend we're blind. What's the matter with that?

Larry:You don't have to back up. I don't think it's contagious. Is it contagious?

Larry:Can't Rosa take you? She drives right by there.

Larry:Even with the whole affirmative action thing?

Larry:I see it in a historical sense, but not in a nice-day sense.

Larry:I tend to say stupid things to black people sometimes. That's, like, gonna be in the time capsule.

Larry:I tend to say stupid things to black people sometimes.

Larry:I was so discombobulated because... Oh, my God, I completely humiliated...

Larry · Cheryl:Men do this, right? I've seen men do it. Haven't we seen this? I've seen men do it in movies.

Larry:Things are done, right, aren't things done?

Larry:That's 'cause it's criminal. Women are attracted to criminals.

Larry:How can a handicapped person use a non-motorized wheelchair?

Larry:Going to another restaurant to use the bathroom

Larry:There's a restaurant two doors down. I'm gonna go in there. I'm gonna go to the bathroom in there.

Larry:Are you out of your mind? No, I don't wanna say hello. I don't like those hellos.

Larry · Cheryl:The prescription/money mix-up revelation

Larry:Norman, is somebody calling? Who's calling? We're in the middle of dinner, Norman!

Larry:"Norman, is somebody calling? Who's calling? We're in the middle of dinner, Norman! This better be life-threatening, or you're not gonna leave this house!"

Larry:"Norman... unless they were burned in a fire... I don't want you getting up from your chair. Do you understand, Norman?"

Larry · Cheryl:Dumpster diving for the prescription

Larry:This is a very pleasant activity. Can you lock me in a toilet after this?

Larry:Navigation system celebration and father praise

Larry:"Daddy, I'm not so stupid!"

Larry:God Almighty, I can't believe I said that.

Larry · Dr. Grambs:And again, I'm so sorry about.... God Almighty, I can't believe I said that. I think I might have overreacted.

Larry:Eat. You got peanuts and cookies. Drinks. You're probably having a very stimulating conversation... until we came in, so, believe me.... My advice to you, go back, because....

Larry:I am apologizing for pretty much nothing. It is nothing. It's so unimportant.

Larry:You let him work on you even with the whole affirmative action thing?

Larry:"You let him work on you even with the whole affirmative action thing?"

Larry:It was a joke. It was a bad joke. I was trying to be too affable. I went overboard in my affability.

Larry:I don't think white people should have anything! I think we should be sleeping on the street, eating crumbs.

Larry:I was about to say 'sister,' but I can't....

Larry · Cheryl:You could scratch yourself to death! I feel like I could scratch myself to death... if it goes untreated.

Larry:You could scratch yourself to death!

Larry · Cheryl:You know what l was gargling there? Was it Yankee Doodle Dandy? Yes. That was a good one.

Larry:Yeah, that way we can get rid of him.

Larry:'I'm a malingerer and he's a lingerer'

Larry:'He's leaving show business? That would be good news.'

Larry:'Although I don't think he'd bill it as that'

Larry · Cheryl:Long awkward silence after Cheryl asks why she always initiates sex

Larry:'I got a cramp in my foot' as excuse for not responding about sex initiation

Larry:Just assume that l want it all the time... so whenever you want it, just tap me on the shoulder.

Larry:'I will treat your breasts as if they're mine'

Larry:That's how l'll walk around. You know, l need borders, l need boundaries.

Larry:'I've never actually seen the vagina with my glasses on'

Larry · Cheryl:Johnny Goldberg. Johnny Walker?

Larry:'Inside, I'm corroding' response to looking good

Lucy · Larry:Look at you, getting some gray hair. -lnside, l'm corroding.

Larry:'We don't have a child, do we?' - Larry's paternity panic

Larry:Larry literally tapping Cheryl on the shoulder for sex

Larry:'I'm kind of tapped out' - Larry's masturbation confession

Larry:Lucy made 'a brief appearance and said goodbye' in Larry's fantasy

Larry:Larry's protective attitude toward Cheryl not being 'defiled' in his fantasies

Larry:l can degrade and defile her.

Larry:She's got a bad attitude, doesn't take part in lesbian scenes... very hard to get along with. She's like a prima donna.

Larry:'I'm gonna bring back the young Sophia Loren'

Larry:l didn't know there was a prom. l had no idea that a prom even existed.

Larry · Lucy:Are you sure that you qualify with your stepfather? ls that considered incest? No, if it's your stepfather, Larry, it's considered a date.

Larry:'Sometimes when we're not together, I go to restaurants'

Larry:Larry's defensive response about breaking up with Lucy

Larry:Right, yes, l know that's impossible... for an idiot like me to ever break up with a woman.

Larry:World without pillows philosophical tangent

Larry · Director:Newsstand Dog Fancy magazine cover story

Larry · Cheryl:Larry and Cheryl realizing Jeff was in the accident

Larry:You only have to talk about it. Not show it.

Cheryl · Larry:Have you even moved since I left this morning? Yes, of course, what are you talking about? I got up to tip room service.

Larry · Cheryl:Come on, that's funny. No, it's not funny. It might have been funny a week ago, but enough is enough.

Larry:No, because they're gonna go to boot camp... and I want to see which ones get rehabilitated. They break them down and they cry. And then when they're done with the boot camp... they're all better.

Larry:This is like for the Osmonds, this place.

Cheryl · Larry:When do you use the wake-up calls? You never leave. Naps.

Susan · Larry:You get used to that in two days. Come on in. No, really.

Larry:Can you shoot the whales from the terrace? 'Cause I like to have blubber for breakfast.

Larry:I've got ideas, but I choose not to carry them out.

Larry:There's no way that sweater's 100% cashmere. It's, like, maybe 35, 40, 50 at the most, but 100?

Larry:What kind of person lies... about a percentage of cashmere in his sweater?

Larry:I'm married, that's plenty of work.

Jay · Larry:Is he a high-maintenance guy? What, are you kidding?

Larry:Very happy, and the Prius is extremely happy with me.

Larry:Except women into sex, that's one thing I can't do.

Larry:I guarantee you... l will sell more cars than anybody in your showroom.

Larry:I'm selling cars.

Larry:And we have, Corolla, Canola... and Rave.

Larry:Some people, they run in marathons, they want to see if they can do that. Others, they swim the English Channel. All I want is work in a showroom for a while.

Larry:And then on Monday when I come home from work... I'll help with the pictures... But I'll be a little tired, too, probably.

Larry:There wasn't an opening.

Larry:So what, I ate an éclair out of a garbage can! And, masturbation contests, four people agreeing... l was in a contest and you know I was in it.

Larry:So, l'm a schmuck for being in a masturbation contest?

Larry · Jason:And he becomes embittered and grows to hate the character. That's pretty funny. You son of a bitch, that's pretty damn good.

Larry:I'm selling cars. I start on Monday.

Larry:Big stuff, big charging, crazy pistons, nutty pistons.

Larry:This is a fucking work of art.

Larry:You don't have the need to tilt in this car.

Larry:Depending on the city, of course. Duluth is a city, it's considered a city... but it's not as big as Brooklyn or whatever.

Larry:It's a thick base, it's a thick wheel base.

Larry:That's my middle name, Larry Dana David. That's my step-brother's name, Apheon.

Larry:I'm the co-creator of the show. No, it's true. Please, buy one, please?

Larry · Cheryl:What's a house sound? You know, noises that a house makes? Houses make noises?

Larry:Told you I didn't trust that Schneider. He didn't say anything about a house sound.

Larry:Is that 100% cashmere? Would you mind if I check the label?

Larry · Richard:Is that a cashmere sweater? This guy had the same one. Of course it's a cashmere sweater. Is that 100% cashmere?

Larry · Cheryl:I got fired. You did? I got the boot! Why'd you get fired? I got 86ed.

Jim · Larry:Yeah, if it's trouble... He just says he has to call and get a sitter. That's no problem, I can just do that. It makes perfect sense to me.

Larry:So what? You get like an hour dispensation for good news. Who told me that? It's common knowledge.

Larry:"Can I get you some coffee?" Wouldn't you love that?

Larry:The craziest thing I've done: I've been on the bottom. You know, that's it.

Larry:I don't tell my wife anything, I don't confide in my wife. I don't trust anybody. I just treat her like an acquaintance.

Larry:It's almost worse than confronting a mourner.

Larry:You got a lot going on in there. Like, sick things going on, is that what you think?

Larry:I've never had a meeting in my house or in my office. I don't even need chairs in front of my desk. Nobody ever sits there.

Larry:I'd know that tush anywhere.

Larry:Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire?

Larry:For a verbal response, $10. Anybody want to make $10 and respond verbally?

Larry:The guy's license is '14 THOR.' And he looked like a Norseman of some kind.

Larry:Jesus, am I fat!

Larry · Jason:I was kind of thinking maybe tomorrow we could do it in my office in Santa Monica... No, that's okay, let's not do that.

Larry:I yelled out the window and I said, 'I'd know that tush anywhere.'

Larry · Cheryl:I like big asses, there's no problem... You like big asses?

Larry:I don't have a closet in my house. I'm used to throwing things. I throw them on the floor, that's how all my clothes are at home... I don't even have a bed. I sleep on a big pile of clothes.

Larry:I'm a disgusting man.

Larry:I want you to let the air out of somebody's tires. It says '14 THOR' on the license plate.

Larry:Wrestling's fixed... All the matches are set up beforehand. The winners are all pre-determined.

Larry:Dad's kind of a big fake. You know what he is? He's more of an actor than a wrestler.

Larry:You tell him the bald turd said hello, okay?

Larry:We can't seem to agree on the locus equidistant of points.

Larry:I suggested a restaurant, he thought it was too close to me. Then he suggested one, and I thought it was too close to him... and, we just can't get it together.

Larry:It seems silly to put a napkin on an old pair of pants.

Larry · Waiter:Cobb salad ordering sequence with extensive substitutions

Larry · Cliff:I'm getting a David salad. Yeah, it is a David salad.

Larry · Waiter:And I'll get agitation, if you can.

Larry:This is a nice little bullshit story.

Larry:You know, my grandfather's name was Harold Bingo. He invented Bingo. Are you aware of that?

Larry · Shelley:We should have sex sometime. - Yes, we should.

Larry:You wanna check my penis? Is that what you wanna do?

Walter · Larry:You're a self-loathing Jew. - Am I? - Yes! I do hate myself, but it has nothing to do with being Jewish.

Larry:They should put a muzzle on you. You're foaming at the mouth.

Unknown · Larry:Can you keep it down? Hey, I'm allowed to eat popcorn.

Larry · Unknown:Is it smoke? What comes out of your mouth in cold water? - It's breath. - But looks like smoke.

Larry · Donald:Tomorrow, I'm sitting around. I'm not doing anything. Sitting around?

Larry:I wasn't bored. I was yawning because... Can't somebody be tired and yawn? I mean it's a biological function.

Larry:If I was handicapped, I'd want people to tell me that they're sitting around.

Larry · Assistant:Thank you. I don't tuck in that much. Golf makes me tuck in. - You look good tucked in. - I'm rarely tucked in.

kids · Larry:Trick or treat. - Happy Halloween. - Festive?

Larry:Oh, my God. Shelley, no. That was... No, that was just a joke because they were talking so much.

Larry:My friend Cliff Cobb lied to me about the Cobb salad! His grandfather didn't invent it. Bob Cobb did!

Larry · Teenagers:I don't think so. - You kidding? - It's Halloween. Yeah, I know. Doesn't mean you're entitled to go around to people's homes and bilk them out of candy.

Larry · teenage girls:Where's your costumes? - I'm being my sister. - I'm a teacher. - Wow, I would like to get my seat in your class.

Larry:Doesn't mean you're entitled to go around to people's homes and bilk them out of candy.

Larry:I didn't know that it was gonna be 'felony or treat.'

Larry:Trick-or-treating at 40? Free candy, I'm 40 years old, I want free candy!

Larry · Police Officer:It was sort of Elvira-ish. She looked like Elvira. - So she was kind of in a little bit of costume there. The Elvira thing. - No, that wasn't a costume.

Larry:That's a hate crime. We're a set, we're a group. You can't call us bald assholes.

Larry · Officer Byrd:Sir, I'm bald, I'm not offended. - With all due respect, Officer Byrd, you are not bald. You have chosen to shave your hair.

Larry:we don't consider you part of the bald community. With all due respect.

Larry:I will not be intimidated. Even on Halloween.

Donald · Larry:You're sick. - You can wear clothes, these clothes don't... - Stop it.

Larry · Cliff:my grandfather invented the Cobb salad! - That's me who does that?

Larry:The Cobb salad, my friend, was invented in 1937 by Bob Cobb at the Brown Derby!

Larry · Girl:Hey, Elvira. - Some fucking weirdo is trying to talk to me.

Walter · Larry:Larry David! What brings you to our Jewish home? - Well, well, now it all makes perfect sense.

Larry:Maybe you should have given me some candy!

Larry:That woman didn't give me the bracelet, so I had to come up with something.

Larry:'That's it! What is the point of the drink? I am missing the point.'

Larry:'Yeah, I did, but I decided to take the wrong food home. Thank you for inquiring.'

Larry:Larry's elaborate lie about having a stepfather in an accident

Larry:'I just thought it was a better lie. 'Cause if you make up a lie about a stepfather... you'll be believed, don't you think?'

Larry · Cheryl:The discovery of only three shrimp in the kung pao container

Larry:Larry's immediate conclusion that Wasserman stole the shrimp

Larry · Cheryl:'Did he take the shrimp?' 'I'll bet he took the shrimp.'

Larry · Julia:'No, we can go back and forth.' 'We don't need back and forth, we'll just do forth. Don't need back.'

Julia · Larry:'You've turned into a very nice man.' 'I'm a lovely gentleman.'

Larry · Julia:The 'Aren't You Evelyn?' TV show pitch

Larry:'Really, this is all he can do, between you and me.'

Julia · Larry:I want to be able to say 'fuck,' you know. And I wanna say... 'Cocksucker.' You don't need to say that. Actually, I do. I haven't really gotten to say that a lot.

Larry:I think he's bad, I'm not gonna go into why. I just don't think he's a good guy.

Larry · Julia:'Gay guy?' 'Gay, no, he's not gay, he's married.' 'I could have sworn he was gay, that guy.'

Larry:Larry's drink argument retold to the HBO executives

Larry · Julia · HBO executives:The elaborate greeting ritual at HBO

Allan · Larry:'How's the stepfather doing?' 'Good.' 'He's doing better now?' 'Yeah.' 'Yeah, miraculous recovery he had?'

Larry:'How were the garlic noodles, the other night?'

Larry:Larry counting and documenting the missing shrimp in detail

Larry · Julia:'He implied that I was lying about my stepfather.' 'You don't have a stepfather.' 'But I didn't like the implication.'

Larry:'You know, my dentist told me I have the gums of a 25-year-old man. I think it was about the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.'

Michael · Larry · Julia:'I guess when they switched them back, Allan had taken seven of your shrimp?' 'That's my claim, yeah.' 'Allegedly.'

Larry:'So you throw in a "fuck," you double your laughs. It's a crowd-pleaser. "Fuck" is a crowd-pleaser.'

Larry:'You cunt, what a cunt!'

Larry:'It's a word you use when somebody doesn't act manly. And he didn't act manly, he should've gone in.'

Larry:'Maybe in retrospect, I should've said, "Pussy."'

Larry:Maybe in retrospect, I should've said, 'Pussy.'

Larry:'Maybe I am a misogynist. Maybe I like to beat my wife a little bit.'

Larry · Cheryl:'I can't believe that guy called me a misogynist.' 'Nobody ever called me that before.' 'Maybe you are.'

Larry · Cheryl:Larry playfully hitting Cheryl in the car

Larry:'Big deal, I call men pricks all the time, men want to work with me.'

Julia · Larry:'Cunt's worse.' 'It's not worse, pricks and cunts, they're equal.'

Larry · Julia:'I thought he was one of those effeminate heterosexuals.' 'There's no such thing as an effeminate heterosexual.'

Larry · Restaurant worker:'How many shrimp do you generally put in the kung pao shrimp?' 'Eleven.' 'You always put in 11?' 'We have a very strict policy about that.'

Larry:'Dentist got in touch with Wasserman, thinks I'm a wife-beater.'

Larry · Cheryl:The dinner-to-dessert venue argument recreating the opening scene

Larry:You know, 'cause they're gray. And if you think about it, it's a good color 'cause white is really too bright... and black is almost like a pair of shoes. And gray is kind of right in the middle.

Larry:I can't serve, I'll have to make dainty little serves... and she'll beat me every time.

Larry:I don't really like the outdoors, you know. It's not a good place for bald people out there.

Larry:All those disgusting bodies walking around, I have to look at them.

Larry · Other patient:Nice to see you. You cured? 100%. You had the big breakthrough? I think I'm ready to terminate.

Larry · Other patient:It's such nonsense, isn't it? What are you gonna do? You can't bother your friends with this stuff. This goes on forever.

Larry · Rob:No one wants to have lunch with me. No, you are the guy who created Seinfeld. Yeah, but I mean... No one's gonna bid any money. It's gonna be embarrassing. To go to a Larry David lunch? 50 cents, you know, it's ridiculous.

Larry:No one's gonna bid any money. It's gonna be embarrassing. To go to a Larry David lunch? 50 cents, you know, it's ridiculous.

Larry · Rob:You'll be surprised at how much you go for. Surprised, I'm gonna be... I think you're gonna be surprised at how little I go for.

Larry · Cheryl:A radio? Is there a ballgame I can listen to or anything? Then you're defeating the purpose, aren't you?

Larry · Cheryl:Why didn't you wear it? You got yours on? Of course. I thought I'd be uncomfortable. You're going to the beach. I didn't want to drive an hour and a half with a bathing suit on.

Larry:Jews buy, like, 85% of the sun block that's sold in this country, don't you think? Without Jews these sun block people would be out of business.

Larry:Without Jews these sun block people would be out of business.

Larry:I've never once seen a Gentile ask for, or even put on, sun block.

Larry:I stare at it for 10 minutes and I go, 'Okay, I get it.'

Larry:I feel aggravated that I'm missing what other people are getting.

Larry · Cheryl:Holy shit. What? I think I just saw my therapist. You see a guy in a striped bathing suit? Skimpy, skimpy suit, you see that? Yeah, I see him. Yeah, that's my therapist.

Larry · Cheryl:I can't talk to him in that bathing suit. It is pretty small.

Larry:Did you see the back of his bathing suit? How does he walk around like that?

Larry · Cheryl:I've got to stay like this now, for the rest of the day? I guess that's up to you. Kiss that therapist goodbye.

Larry:Thong, up his ass.

Larry · Cheryl:Like Richard Simmons? Richard Simmons has a thong up his ass? Did you ever see him do that shit? No. Holy shit.

Richard Lewis · Larry:Like Richard Simmons? - Richard Simmons has a thong up his ass?

Larry · Richard Lewis:You should be thanking me. Saving you from this hedonist giving you advice. Hedonist, he's a hedonist? He's not a hedonist. What is he?

Larry · Richard Lewis:Somebody paid $4,000 to go have lunch with me. - Do you believe that? - You should be flattered.

Larry · John Tyler:Like the president. President Tyler. Yeah. Should I call you Mr. President?

Larry · John Tyler:If I was named after a president... I would know everything about him. I wasn't named after him, it's just a family name. You never know. I'm related to King David.

Larry:a president and a king... at the same table. Pretty big table.

Larry:You ever catch your parents having sex? No. Me either. You know they did, but you wonder when.

Larry · John Tyler:You ever see Joe Piscopo's Jersey Guy? 'I'm Jersey guy. I'm from Jersey, I'm the Jersey guy.' Yeah, people from Jersey didn't really find that guy funny.

Larry:Ever play the salt and pepper shakers? What song is this? 'Happy Birthday To You.' Happy birthday, Happy birthday, Mr. President John Tyler, Happy birthday

Larry:What do you want, you want a kidney? I'll give it to you. What else do you need? I've got a terrific penis. I could donate a penis. I've got good spleen, excellent spleen.

Larry:I've got good spleen, excellent spleen.

Larry:Mr. Spleen gets rid of dirt and grime And grease in just a minute Mr. Spleen will clean your whole house And everything that's in it, Mr. Spleen

Larry:If you change 'Mr.' to 'Monsieur,' say, 'Monsieur Spleen'... then you'll think that the commercial was... Monsieur Clean, Monsieur Clean

Larry:Of course, Dick Groat. Named after Dick Groat... who used to play shortstop for the Pittsburgh Pirates. I know, 'cause he was a bald guy. And he didn't feel very well... 'cause he was very excited all the time, is that it?

Larry · John Tyler:You sure it wasn't Dick Groat? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Dr. Groat might be Dick Groat's father, for all we know.

Larry · John Tyler:So, you don't want me to start, is that it? It's a couple minutes. You don't mind, do you? I just think it's kind of weird.

Larry · John Tyler:I think it's kind of impolite to prevent a person... who is hungry from eating. Yeah, but we're supposed to be having lunch together. Do we have to start at the exact same time? I don't get that.

Larry:What kind of person says yes to 'Do you mind if I start?' Do you know anybody who would do that?

Larry:Pretty, pretty, pretty... pretty, pretty good.

Larry:You know what I am? I'm the terminator. I am the terminator.

Larry:But, if you're gonna remind me of the holocaust... l'm not gonna feel so great.

Larry:Agitated? No, what you're seeing as agitation is actually ebullience.

Larry:No, what you're seeing as agitation is actually ebullience. You've never seen me ebullient, so you don't even know what it is.

Larry · Dr. Weiss:There's no swing. I'm a hammock. A hammock is very placid. A hammock? Yeah, just gently flowing in the breeze, that's me.

Larry:A hammock is very placid... Yeah, just gently flowing in the breeze, that's me.

Larry · Cheryl:So? He's on to us. He knows about the whole thong thing. He knows about the thong thing. He's on to us? He's on to me.

Larry · Richard Lewis:How else am I gonna leave a shrink? How the fuck do I know? I'm miserable and I'm suicidal, I want to leave?

Larry · Richard Lewis:Tell him you're a Scientologist or something. I'm not. Tell him you're into Scientology.

Larry:And I have been assured that after they come up... with a cure for Groat's, they're gonna tackle baldness. I've been assured. So, watch out, bald people. Your day is coming. Don't give up hope, keep hope alive. You must keep hope alive, bald people.

Larry:Your day is coming. Don't give up hope, keep hope alive. You must keep hope alive, bald people.

Larry · Rob:This is awful. You can't let her do this. I don't know if we should pull her off. I gotta get her off. Time to stop. No! Come on, stop. No!

Larry · Others:This is awful. You can't let her do this. - I gotta get her off.

Larry · Melanie:Time to stop. - No! - Come on, stop. - No!

Larry:If you can fix my neck, I'll give you $5,000. And if you can't, then I don't pay for any of the treatments.

Larry:It's not in my family, but I'm trying to break the mold.

Larry:No, I mean, I'm just shocked to see you here working.

Larry:Try and put that on the swiss if you can. I covered my mouth.

Larry:Boy, he's got seven total bases there, yeah.

Larry:Of course you do. Yeah, of course.

Larry:He's not an asshole, he's just shy. No, he doesn't, he's just shy. It's just that you got shy-asshole confusion, my friend.

Jeff · Larry:You know why? 'Cause you're a pussy. I'm just being frank. Maybe I'm nice. You have nice-pussy confusion.

Cheryl · Larry:Are those from your mistress and you haven't told me? Yeah, I wish.

Larry · Jeff:I knew you'd open up a can of worms just by starting to ask him. He's been weird all lunch. What the hell? I don't know what that was. That guy's a freak.

Larry:You're encroaching in my territory. I want you people to be uncomfortable all the time.

Larry:I'm telling you, soon it's going to be Casual Monday. Five to 10 years. That's the direction we're heading. It's gonna be a sad state of affairs.

Larry:People like you walking around like people like me. It's no good.

Larry · Jeff:Oh, my God. Jesus!

Larry · Cheryl:They're not jeans, they're corduroy pants. That's the same thing.

Larry:Since when is blue and black no good?

Larry · Jeff:Maybe I have a lime-green T-shirt like yours to put on, asshole. What's wrong with a lime-green T-shirt?

Larry:That's why we got you a birthday gift. 'Cause he told me it was your birthday. So, I knew I would stop by for the sunglasses and I....

Larry:I mean, 600,000 people. 600,000 people died in the Civil War. And for what, to save the Union? Why did we want to save the Union? Who cares?

Larry:Do you get that? Outfit approval? They got to approve your outfit. I listened to her. I actually went up to change.

Larry:And I'll tell you something. I'm lucky that I had a father who was so supportive of me, because without him it never would have happened.

Larry:Next thing I knew, he said to me, 'Listen, I got a lot of money. I'm gonna give you this money anyway, after I die. Let me give you some now.'

Barry · Larry:Larry was the last person to see him alive. Technically, it was the waiter.

Larry:My best friend had a baby 15 years ago, and I was the godfather. I was in the delivery room, he asked me to cut the umbilical cord and I don't know, I kind of botched it somehow and mangled the whole bellybutton and now the kid won't even talk to me.

Larry · Cheryl:My neck. Let go of him!

Larry:Yeah, she asked me how I was feeling. I said, 'Better.' Better than before, not 100% better, not all better, but better.

Larry:In English, 'better' doesn't mean better, completely better. I don't need a.... There's a confusion here, a language confusion.

Larry:I have a check made out to me for $5,000. I can endorse it over to you. Don't cash it for a week.

Larry:In fact the series could be called Aren't you Evelyn? Or I'm Not Evelyn. Something like that.

Network executive · Larry:What's with you and the water? Doctor's orders. I'm dehydrated or something... and I've got to drink 8 of these a day. Constantly running to the bathroom.

Larry · Network executive:We split up. I'm living in a hotel. I'm sorry to hear that. Don't be! It's great.

Larry:What's the difference between Harriet Beecher Stowe... and Harriet Tubman?

Larry · Cheryl:I think we might be due for some sex tonight. You think? I do, yeah. Did you pencil that in and didn't tell me?

Larry:So, I'm gonna go in over there. I'm not here. I haven't seen you. Have not seen me.

Larry · Theater employee:Really? I got a condition. I really need to have this.

Larry:I mean, what if I have a really bad kidney thing? I'm not-- Maybe you should finish it outside. Yeah, maybe I should.

Larry:Is that the same woman who just told me to get rid of the water?

Larry:I don't see how it was your concern. You don't work here.

Larry:We're all dying of thirst. What are you, the hallway monitor here?

Woman · Larry:Who are you that the rules don't apply? I'm applying the golden rule. Are you?

Larry:But that doesn't supersede the golden rule. That's the big one.

Larry:Excuse me, Mrs. Cantor, we've got homework. You forgot to give us homework.

Larry:We don't have plans, we don't wanna go to dinner with you.

Larry:I actually wanna go 'cause she showed a lot of cleavage for that time.

Larry · Cheryl:Cold! Chest freeze! Put your tongue to the top of your.... No, your tongue to the roof of your mouth.

Larry:I have to thank your producer, director... whoever, because they didn't reveal that much bosom in that day....

Larry · Little girl:Is that a bathroom? Yeah, why? Do you have to go potty?

Larry · Little girl:What's her name? Judy. 'Judy! Judy! Judy!'

Larry:It's called a Swiss Army Knife. You heard of Switzerland? It's a country in Europe, and they don't like to fight. They let everybody do their fighting for them... while they ski and eat chocolate.

Larry:You wanna give it a little, kind of, Dorothy Hamill thing?

Larry:Can I tell you something? It's a very French look. It's very French.

Larry · Jeff:There's no lock on that bathroom door. I know. That's crazy. That's your top priority in a house. In the bathroom.

Anne · Tara · Larry:And did you happen to tell her that maybe it wouldn't grow back? He didn't tell her. I thought it was understood.

Larry · Tara:I guess I missed a strand there. I got a Swiss Army-- It's ugly, mommy! Let me get it. I got a Swiss Army Knife. I could get that.

Larry · Jeff:Who doesn't know that when you cut a doll's hair... it doesn't grow back? She should know better.

Larry:Honestly, I have never been so humiliated in my life, really. I fucked up.

Larry · Cheryl:Like, imagine the worst moment a person can walk in on somebody. I got it. You think you're alone, and you're in the bathroom.

Larry · Cheryl:Divorce? Is it a divorce? Yeah, it's a divorce. So start packing up 'cause you're moving out.

Larry · Jeff:She looks Swiss. She looks like Judy. She looks Swiss? All right.

Larry · Jeff:'Suite: Judy Brown Eyes,' I said it in my head. You said, 'Suite: Judy Brown Eyes'? I know the song is Suite: Judy Blue Eyes... and she has brown eyes. It's brown eyes.

Larry:Some of these dolls are scary. A bunch of bald ones up here.

Jeff · Larry:Susie's here. Shit. Come on. Stick it in your jacket. It's too big. Where do I put it?

Susie · Jeff · Larry:You put the shelves up.... I find that hard to believe. He knows a lot about shelving. I put them all up-- Mr. California Closets over here all of a sudden?

Larry:Boy, that's starting to itch me down there.

Larry:Where's her body? It didn't come with a body.

Larry:If she does, you should enroll her at some kind of school for gifted children.

Larry:Maybe she's got the short-haired version. We can get the short-haired Judy back.

Larry:I have to go to the doctor now? That's gonna be a lot of fun. 'Where did you get the rash?' 'I stuck a doll's head down my pants, Doctor. It feels good to me.'

Larry:I just like it, you know.

Larry:The short-hair, it's very becoming I think, you know?

Larry · Jeff:Is your assistant going out with anybody? You're not going out with my assistant, okay?

Larry · Cheryl:It's an olfactory nightmare in that men's room. Is anybody in here? Coast is clear. Great, 2 minutes.

Larry:Where's the bottom of the broccoli? Can somebody tell me what they did to the bottom of the broccoli? I like the bottom, it's crunchy.

Larry:Is there one person at this table who can eat cauliflower? What is it? Who put this on earth, this vegetable?

Larry · Jeremy:You want to switch glasses with me, is that it? I like that whole Clark Kent thing you got happening there.

Larry:I love the indebted part, believe me. Don't get me wrong.

Larry · Jeff:You're not a Lakers fan are you? You're a Knicks fan. Table for one.

Larry:I get so much satisfaction out of seeing 19,000 people disappointed when they lose

Larry:I don't know, how much was this? $60, or what, I don't know, $80? What did you have? I mean, we just had some turkey. What did we have, turkey and a glass of wine? I don't even know what to put down here. I mean, I'm.... $90, how's that, is that good? Is $90 good? $110? $115, what'd you have?

Larry:I go out to dinner, I wind up with a homework assignment.

Cheryl · Larry:What was all that goodbye business? That was really embarrassing. I wanted to remind you to say goodbye.

Larry · Cheryl:I just kept putting money down. Why didn't they stop me? Because they didn't stop me.

Cheryl · Larry:Honey, please don't yell at my parents like that. I wasn't yelling, I was helping.

Larry:Dear LA County Museum. This is a letter of recommendation for a guy named... a guy name Jeremy, who's somewhat of an acquaintance. And he draws beautiful concentric circles... and geometric figures that are quite moving.

Larry:By the way, I could make those triangles and those circles. You know, is that art? I mean, if I could do it, is that art?

Larry:I'll find out his last name and write back to you.

Albert · Larry:Shaq loves your show. Really? Yeah, loves it.

Larry · Jeff:You know, you ought to go to a doctor. Really? Yeah. You know that guy right over there? That's Dr. Wiggins, that's who he was talking about.

Larry · Jeff:Is this fucking unbelievable? This is unbelievable.

Cheryl · Larry:They said you tripped Shaquille O'Neal, now he'll be out for two months. You mean I tripped him? They said Larry David?

Larry:Yeah, I did have a motive. I wanted to kill him, I had a motive.

Larry · Jeff:What can I do? Can I do anything? Buy the team.

Larry:I was gonna do a basketball with.... I was going to forge some of the Lakers' signatures on it....

Larry:One of the vanilla bullshit things. You know, do whatever you want. Some vanilla bullshit, latte cappa-thing. Whatever you got, I don't care.

Cheryl · Larry:Just too enthusiastic, and I miss the old Larry. Do you? Yeah.

Larry:'Cause I wrote some really laudatory things about your work... with the geometric shapes... the triangles and the trapezoids and all of that.

Larry:Coffee on me! Ladies and gentlemen... free coffee and donuts and Danish and bagels. Anything you want. On me, I got it, everybody, come on.

Larry · Hospital doctor:Would you mind taking a quick glance at this thing on my back? Tell me if it's anything that I should be concerned about. Sure, turn around.

Shaq · Larry:Absolutely, butter. Thank you. A man that has some sense.

Larry · Shaq:Why would you cheat at Scattergories? A doctor.

Larry · Shaq:Don't you say goodbye? Notice how no one ever says goodbye anymore? Have you noticed that? It's unbelievable.

Larry · Shaq:Don't you say goodbye? Notice how no one ever says goodbye anymore? Have you noticed that? It's unbelievable.

Larry · Cheryl:Larry wearing the exact same outfit as yesterday and justifying it by saying he didn't feel like going through the decision process

Larry · Cheryl:Cheryl suggesting Larry's maroon jacket should go to the homeless guy at the gas station

Larry:Larry's passionate defense: 'This is my show night jacket. I wore this on show night.'

Larry:Larry's response to learning about the Jewish groom: 'Really? So am I. They make the best husbands.'

Richard Lewis · Larry:Richard Lewis's outgoing message theft accusation and his elaborate Paris backstory

Larry:Larry's mock-sympathetic repetition: 'He doesn't have a wife, and his parents are dead.'

Larry · Cheryl:The new answering machine message: 'Hi, we're not in. Please leave a message at the tone. Thank you.'

Larry:You're a small, petty man.

Larry · Cheryl:Larry's baptism ignorance: 'What is a baptism anyway?' 'I have no idea. Something to do with water?'

Larry:Larry asking what 'the average gentile' wears to a baptism

Larry:Larry's conversion observation: 'You guys come to our side, we don't go to your side. Yeah. Jews don't convert.'

Larry:Larry's lobster evangelism analogy: 'It's like, I like lobster. Do I go around pushing lobster on people?'

Larry:Larry's extended lobster missionary work: 'You go to Africa, you travel all over the world. Eat lobster, have some more lobster, it's good. We want you to have lobster!'

Larry:Larry's paranoid ticket theft theory about the 'creepy guy' watching him enter the security code

Larry · Cheryl:Cheryl's logic: 'Why would somebody steal tickets to Monterey?' Larry: 'Why not? Monterey's a beautiful place.'

Larry:Larry wondering if the ticket thief 'brought a date' to their flight

Larry:Larry's passive-aggressive commentary to the slow parker: 'Yeah, it's all right, take your time. Nobody's waiting for you. Make a call, have a cup of coffee. And then have a nice bagel. Take a little nap.'

Larry:Larry's complaint about parking lot logic: 'If the lot's full, why do they even let you go in? They shouldn't even give you a ticket.'

Larry · Airport guy:Larry confronting the wrong person about ticket theft and the man's response: 'See, if this were yours, it would say Fucking Douchebag.'

Larry:Larry's follow-up: 'Sorry about your mother.'

Larry · Second guy:Second ticket theft confrontation ending with 'Go fuck yourself.'

Larry:Larry's random grape observation: 'Have you ever had a fresh grape? I've had fresh apples, never had a fresh grape.'

Larry:Larry's fruit ignorance: 'Never seen a pear. Never saw a pear outside of a fruit stand.'

Larry:Larry's random observations: 'Grape works as a soda, sort of as a gum, but I wonder why it doesn't work as a pie.'

Larry:grape works as a soda, sort of as a gum... but I wonder why it doesn't work as a pie.

Larry:Larry's America complaint: 'Did we really need Alaska and Hawaii? They gotta ruin everything. They ruined the continental United States.'

Larry:did we think we really needed Alaska and Hawaii? They gotta ruin everything.

Larry:Larry's geographic purism: 'You have a beautiful Pacific coast, Atlantic coast, that's the continental United States. You don't need more states. We're not the British empire.'

Larry · Others:Larry jumping into baptismal water screaming 'Stop! No, Larry!'

Larry:I thought that he was drowning him. I'm sorry!

Larry:Larry's defense: 'I don't care if I lose Jews. Take them all, I don't need them.'

Larry · Homeless man:The jacket callback: Larry seeing the homeless man wearing his maroon jacket

Larry:There's my jacket, there's the guy you gave my jacket to!

Larry:No, not Fox, I don't like their politics.

Jeff · Larry:Don't stare, come on. Oh, my God, look at that.

Larry:He wanted to do a stop-and-chat. I didn't want to do a stop-and-chat.

Larry:Kim nails or Kim psychic?

Larry:Yeah, anybody could've predicted that.

Larry:I can't hit in front of an audience. You know, I just can't.

Larry:My mother did throw me against a brick wall when I was an infant. Maybe that had--

Larry:I didn't get hurt at all.

Larry:Yeah, she said I was a little prick.

Larry:It's good, it's delicious chi.

Larry · Masseuse:Stop. Stop? Stop.

Larry:I don't know what the hell she's talking about! I think she'll work more on my neck and that'll be it!

Larry:I ran into him on the street the other day and I didn't do a stop-and-chat.

Larry:I've got a lump. I'm afraid she's gonna tell you about it! Do you hear what I'm saying? I'm dying!

Larry:Maybe she's an anti-Semite. I'm sure there's some Korean anti-Semites.

Larry:Because if I just told you the truth about that, it means that I'm just a truthful person who would tell you the truth about anything.

Larry:I'm not a cool guy. You gotta be cool to do that. I couldn't do that. I won't know how, what would I do?

Larry:He's been completely snubbing me. It's not even subtle, it's ridiculous.

Larry:You gotta stop and talk to people like there's so much information to exchange. 'Hello, how you doing?' 'How are you?' 'Good.' 'How's it going with you?' 'Good.' 'Okay, take it easy.'

Larry:Yeah, I know, and I hated it.

Larry:I got some leftovers here. Maybe I'll just get him a doggie bag or something. Is that bad?

Larry:No, I'm gonna give it to the limo driver.

Larry · Greg:Just, like, leftovers? There's some shrimp in there and.... There's some rice in there. But I didn't touch any of the shrimp. I divided the rice very carefully. It's all clean, it's all good.

Larry:You're upset, the other day when I saw you on the street and I didn't do a little stop-and-chat. You know what, I'm not good at artificial small talk.

Larry:All right, I guess in hindsight I probably should've let the guy eat with his hands. That would've been the better thing to do, right? Just have him get it all over his face and have dogs come up maybe and lick it off him.

Larry:Do you have a tattoo of a star?

Larry:Yes, Judge Katz. And may I say, 'Shabbat shalom.'

Larry:I could work at the temple on Saturday mornings hand out tallises and yarmulkes.

Larry:Temple can be quite grueling, as you well know.

Larry:I swear to God, I'm not lying.

Larry:I didn't beat my wife.

Larry:I didn't beat my wife.

Larry:That was a water bottle in my pants. A water bottle!

Larry · Unknown:Larry giving up red meat with 'No reason' repeated multiple times despite being pressed

Larry · Unknown:So, I've given up red meat... No reason. - You got to have a reason. - No reason.

Larry · Neighbor:Neighbor's outrage over Larry throwing garbage in his garbage can

Larry:'I'll give that message to the next guy.'

Larry · Barbara:'How's everything going? Well, you know, horrible.'

Larry · Cheryl:'You ask her about the picture frame? No. How can I?' followed by awkward silence

Larry · Barbara:Larry's obsession with Chet's shirt in the photo

Larry · Barbara:Larry asking about the picture frame after five months

Larry:'Cause it's kind of been like five months, you know?

Barbara · Larry:'My husband dropped dead.' 'Yeah, that was four months ago.'

Larry:'She'd be dancing around the Trevi Fountain in Rome...'

Larry · Ted · Jeff:The Wizard of Oz costume argument between Larry, Ted, and Jeff

Larry:'I saw a dead guy's picture.'

Larry:Just when you're putting them off the stick... I'm a little afraid of the stick, frankly.

Larry:'I don't like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with.'

Larry · Cheryl:'Cause you can't get sweet potatoes anywhere. Have you noticed that? - Everybody's noticed that.

Larry:He's my dentist. Why is he calling me for dinner?

Larry:Well, what are we gonna talk about, my teeth?

Larry:'I'll need a new dentist soon, there's no question about it.'

Larry:The whole world's got to get together.

Larry · Jeff:Larry wanting waiters to dress like him

Larry · Jeff:Larry buying multiple identical shirts and justifying it

Burt · Larry:Burt Bondy's mistaken identity guesses (spin class, AA)

Larry:No, I wish you did. it sounds like a nice place to hang out.

Larry · Jeff:The defective gift shirt argument

Jeff · Larry:Oh, gee, look at that. - A little rip there. - My God, I'm sorry.

Larry · Ted:Is it 'cause of the shirt? 'Cause I wore the shirt? Because of the shirt? No, don't be silly, Larry.

Larry:Is it 'cause of the shirt? 'Cause I wore the shirt? Because of the shirt?

Larry:Larry spelling 'A-S-S-H-O-L-E' in front of a five-year-old

Larry:'She's five years old. She doesn't know how to spell.'

Jeff · Larry:Jeff's terrible Lion impression and Larry's critique

Larry · Jeff:I don't do impressions. - Why say you can do the Lion? - I'm the Lion! I don't have to do the voice.

Larry · Dr. Blore:Larry's elaborate pear farm story to cover his lie

Larry:I was getting the runs up there after a while.

Larry · Dr. Blore:Mixing up Bartlett and Bosc pears

Dr. Blore · Larry:Dr. Blore mentioning Burt Bondy was in this week

Larry:The oversized temporary teeth

Larry:'Temporaries aren't supposed to look like Chiclets'

Larry:'Maybe Jill did it on purpose too.'

Larry:'Not one Spanish person has figured out that the piñata is a sick fucking game?'

Larry:'Five years old, she can spell asshole. That's pretty good.'

Ted · Larry:'You got two shirts?' with Larry's awkward pause

Larry · Richard:What do you think of this color? / I don't like... it's too flashy. / She's a Christian Scientist and... / She's a what? She's a Christian Scientist?

Larry · Richard:Did you just say, 'Oh, dear'? / Yeah. / I don't think you've ever said that in your entire life.

Larry · Richard:No one's ever told me they were dating a Christian Scientist. / I've been saving it. / If anything called for an 'Oh, dear'...

Larry · Richard:You can't hear a radio when you go in a tunnel. / Yes, you can, FM. You're an idiot. / I never listen to FM.

Larry:That's right, my friends for a change.

Richard · Larry · Deborah:I can't eat this steak without some ketchup. / You don't ask a chef for ketchup. / Why is it insulting? It's ketchup.

Larry · Richard:You know what? I am never having you guys over for dinner again. / Why? What did I do wrong? / It's exhausting, it's just exhausting.

Larry · Jeff:I'm not gonna fire him. / Why not? / I don't know, he's black, I don't want to fire him.

Jeff · Larry:You don't want to fire a black guy? / No, I don't want to fire him. / That's crazy! / It's ridiculous! / Who cares what he is? / If he sucks, he sucks.

Larry · Jeff:Well, maybe we should play Scrabble. / That's a bad joke, right? / Yeah, it is a joke, I mean, I don't... / Scrabble?

Larry:You want to sit Shiva? / Why don't we play Twister, would you be happy? / Let's go upstairs and all get under the covers and sob.

Richard · Larry · Jeff:I told you when I spoke to you on the phone that... / No, you didn't. / What, are you kidding? / What are you talking about? / He did, I was standing right next to him when he called you.

Jeff · Larry:You're such a fucking idiot, how can you do this? / She's not looking well... / Cell phone, you fucked up.

Larry · Cheryl:Scrabble? / I said it and kind of got in the mood. / Let's get it. / Really? You want to play? / I'm all over it. Let's go.

Larry · Mike:I'm sorry, but I got five remotes, nothing's working. Just be honest, man. 'Cause I'm black, right? Right?

Larry · Mike:It's my wife. She wants... / Oh, dude. / No, seriously. / Please don't go there, man. No, be man enough.

Mike · Larry:Look, be man enough. If you gonna be a racist, be a man, man. / I was a man. What good did it do me? / You're blaming it on your race. What's worse? / I'd rather blame it on my wife than blame it on my race.

Deborah's mother · Larry:Oh, no, no, don't. We're all responsible for our own lives. / I think there's some truth to that, isn't there?

Larry · Richard · Deborah:You should take Benadryl. You'd knock that out in five minutes. / I can't believe I didn't think of that. / I don't take medication. / Pop it in. / 'Pop it in'? / Who's gonna know? / Pop it in? That's a betrayal of my faith.

Larry:Jesus would be very happy for you to look better than you do now.

Larry:Well, why not just pray for the TV? Why even have somebody come in and fix the television? Why not just pray?

Deborah's Mother · Larry:Just in time. We're about to begin the prayer circle. / You've gotta be kidding. Believe me, you don't want me in this. She'll wind up with tuberculosis. / I really got bad karma, I'm not kidding.

Larry:Oh, no, no. Not this arrangement. Let's do boy/girl here. / Join hands. Join hands. / Put her over here. / No, she needs to be over there with her husband.

Larry:Oh, cell phone. / I'm sorry. I just got this cell phone. / Hello? Oh, hey. / Maybe. Who are they playing?

Richard · Larry:Would you show up at an event... with a person that looks like she has a macaroni salad... about the soul, you love her soul and all that.

Larry:Yeah, know what would match her head? A dress made of turnips and blood, you know?

Richard · Larry:You gotta get a shot and stick it in her ass... / She's not a racehorse. / You gotta get a shot of Benadryl while she's sleeping, or shove it down her throat. / Like a hit man? A Benadryl hit man?

Larry · Richard:Put it in the brownie that she ate. / Wait a minute, why not put it in? / Put it in the brownie? / That's a fucking brilliant idea.

Larry · Richard:First of all, she will never know. I've got news for you. Even if she got better, they would think it was because of the prayer. / That's fantastic. / It was their religion. / Prayer worked. / And you know what? It happened in our house.

Susie · Larry:Jeff brought brownies that I made to a dinner party? / Yeah, at my house. / Larry, I baked those brownies specifically for Sammy to take to school the next day, and they were gone.

Susie · Larry:Jeff stole... he stole his child's brownies, Larry. / You see what we're dealing with here? / He stole brownies out of the mouth of his baby.

Larry:It's a testament to the brownie. That's what you're not seeing. Because they're incredible brownies. If they were mediocre brownies, he wouldn't have taken them.

Larry · Susie:I'll tell you a secret, how about that? Nobody knows, not even Cheryl. / Well, if you'd like to tell me. / I might be losing a testicle. / You're kidding me.

Larry · Susie:It's not The Manhattan Project, you know?! It's just a little... a recipe. / Go get a mix or something! You're asking too much.

Larry:I just told you I'm gonna lose a ball!

Deborah · Larry · Richard:You know, they're not quite the same. / No, they're the same. / Um-umm. / Yeah, yeah. / Um-umm. / Yeah, yeah. / Honey, just try another one.

Larry · Deborah:How dare you insult my wife's baking! / There's something different... / All right. / Fine, fine, you know what? Fine. / What do you want me to say, Larry? They're horrible!

Larry · Jeff:What am I supposed to do? / You trying to get a NAACP Image Award or something?

Larry:I fired the black man because he's the guy who set up the whole system here and it doesn't work... but I know, you know, 'Black man, he can never do anything wrong, and he shouldn't get fired from a job. Black people always do everything right.'

Mike · Larry:You gotta turn the damn satellite on for the TV to work. See the little green light? Just gotta turn it on. / Or you can fire the black man. Whatever works for you.

Brad · Larry:Brad commenting on not hearing Larry come in because they were laughing so hard

Larry · Cheryl:Larry declaring he'll get a 'heterosexual single woman' to play golf with

Larry · Cheryl:Larry insisting all men want to sleep with their female friends

Randy · Larry · Jeff:Randy quits as chef because 'it's frowned on when they poison someone'

Larry · Randy:Larry's dismissive 'He loves ketchup, so what? You can't go by him'

Melanie · Ed · Larry · Cheryl:Melanie and Ed acting like they don't know Larry and Cheryl

Larry · Cheryl:Larry and Cheryl realizing they never bought a wedding gift after over a year

Larry:'Buy 'em a car'

Larry · Cheryl:Larry complaining about Cheryl's grunting: 'It sounds like pigs fucking'

Larry:Larry demonstrates the grunting: 'How do you like this? Would you like to listen to this, huh? Ungh!'

Larry · Cheryl:Larry's passionate monologue about finding the perfect sock

Cheryl · Larry:Cheryl mentioning Brad is in 'Tony and Tina's Wedding' she wants to see

Larry:Larry's long pause and 'Oh' after learning Brad is in the show

Larry · Cheryl:Larry's argument about 'assumed we' vs saying 'I' when making plans

Larry · Cheryl:Larry's 'You are so busted' and negotiating sex for forgiveness

Cheryl · Larry:Cheryl spills cranberry juice just as Larry is about to get lucky

Larry:Larry's manic excitement about using club soda and salt

Larry · Cheryl:Larry frantically searching for salt while time is 'of the essence'

Larry · Jeff · Josh:Larry telling Josh it's an audition when it was supposed to be just dinner

Larry:Larry asking for salt while at Josh's audition dinner

Larry:Larry's dismissive 'Eh' when asked about the food

Larry:'You weigh eight pounds. What do you know about food?'

Larry:Larry's bizarre sex analogy about food appreciation

Larry · Josh:Larry calling Josh's food 'saucy' as criticism

Larry · Josh:Larry still ordering dessert after rejecting Josh as chef

Larry · Cheryl:Larry complaining about not having a personality in the passenger seat

Brad · Cheryl · Larry:Brad giving Cheryl an Al Green tape with 'You oughta be with me'

Larry:'Every day, this story is getting worse and worse and worse.'

Store clerk · Larry:Store clerk aggressively pushing napkin rings at 10% off

Larry · Store clerk:Larry's explosion at the clerk: 'You've done a complete circle with me now in the store'

Larry:'You've never heard of browsers? Is that word unfamiliar to you, a browser?'

Larry · Melanie · Ed:'You can't give a gift after a year? What happens after a year?'

Larry:Larry's itemized accounting: 'You're into us now for about $5,500, as I see it'

Larry:'Do you have anybody in there to clean up the mess I'm about to make?'

Larry · Brad/Angelo:Larry trying to break character by calling Brad by name during the interactive theater

Larry:Larry frantically calling for club soda and salt when wine spills at restaurant

Store clerk's husband · Larry:Store clerk's husband confronting Larry as the wine spills

Larry:A little plumbing. Got to plumb. Plumb the depths... the depths of hell.

Larry:You ought to try schlepping marble one day. It's a schlep.

Larry:Hey, Hugh... that sounds funny.

Larry:He coined the phrase, 'The blank from hell.'

Larry:No wonder you're going out of business.

Larry:'It's like eating a delicious sponge.' Did I tell you?

Larry · Jeffrey:It's moot, they're going out of business. / That's not moot. / How's that not moot? / It's not moot.

Worker · Larry:I'd love to make a concession... An exception?

Worker · Larry:You're gonna go number one, right? Yes. I'll be done in two seconds. Just number one!

Larry:Nobody can turn down the David charm once I turn it on.

Larry:It's bigger than mine. He's got a bigger penis than me.

Cheryl · Larry:It's like a freak show... We got a freak show here.

Larry:It's like having a 'whisper lunch.' Like the Mafia thing.

Richard · Larry:This is the lunch from hell. / Where'd you hear that expression?

Larry:You've got arms on your chair. Look at that. I got no arms, what is that?

Larry:And for some reason I had a side dish of applesauce. I have to tell you it was really fantastic.

Larry:The kid's got some penis on him. He's pretty good.

Hugh · Larry:I'm not talking about your wife's tits. This is rude. / You could say my wife has nice tits as long as it's complimentary.

Larry:Hugh, not 'you,' Hugh, okay? H-yoo... Hugh.

Larry:I happened to mention that I caught a glimpse of his son's penis... How about that thing? It's huge!

Larry:She tells me she likes to pet horses. She enjoys a good corn dog.

Cheryl · Larry:I don't want the nanny from hell in my house. Where did you hear that... 'the blank from hell'?

Larry:She takes baths with her socks on.

Cheryl · Larry:My dad has been saying that... Richard Lewis coined that, Cheryl.

Larry:This is a win-win situation. Win-win.

Larry · Bakery worker:How many sponge-cakes do you have left? I have a dozen left. I'll take them all.

Larry · Richard:You 'clapse'? Yeah, I'll collapse. You don't say 'co-llapse,' you say 'claps.'

Larry · Hugh's son:You shush. Shush! / You shh, 'poopyhead.' / No, you shush, dodo brain.

Larry · Hugh:Fuck h-yoo. / Fuck you. / Fuck Hugh! / Hugh!

Larry:She worked at that 'Looney Tunes' Lodge for 15 years and she kept hearing that song over and over. She must have snapped from hearing it.

Larry · Restaurant Friend:What are you touching? No reason to touch.

Larry:Well, I smelled her perfume. It's hard not to notice.

Larry:He runs to the bathroom every time the check comes.

Larry:When you said 'Mr. Duplicity,' I thought you were referring to me...

Larry:She'll tell me. People confide in me. Everybody opens up to me.

Larry:I said don't pick up the check!

Larry:Why don't we call the terrorists and ask them could they pick another weekend more suited for you?

Larry:Why don't we call the terrorists and ask them could they pick another weekend more suited for you?

Larry:Then at least, you know, one of us would... survive.

Larry:Almost seems a little... selfish that you would want both of us to... perish.

Larry:But hopefully I could at some point get back some semblance of a life.

Larry:But hopefully I could at some point get back some semblance of a life.

Larry:They're not going to Orange County, the terrorists. They have nothing in Orange County.

Larry:They're not going to Orange County, the terrorists. They have nothing in Orange County.

Larry:I was driving around, I saw your shop, I thought, 'I've got to tell Mindy.'

Larry:I feel like I apologize to somebody every day. Who says 'I'm sorry' more than me?

Larry:I felt bad because I snubbed Mindy at dinner the other night, I didn't talk to her and l... Told her there'd be a terrorist attack in Los Angeles this weekend?

Larry:I know what you do every time the check comes... you run to the bathroom.

Larry:Everything's 'freaking' with this guy. He can't say the word fuck?

Larry:N-E-S-T-L-E-S Nestle's makes the very best... Sorr-ry.

Larry:It would've been nice if there was a small explosion, where nobody got hurt. A little firecracker or something.

Larry:So that's who it is. I'll see you later.

Larry:I know who this song is about.

Larry · Director:Let me take out Gino's balls in a plastic bag... The balls will never read. They're not gonna read as well. Balls will read. Why won't balls read?

Larry:You know, 'Seinfeld,' we did two takes and we were done.

Cheryl · Larry:It's hard to take anything you say seriously right now. You just look crazy.

Larry · Father:Is she dead? Er, yeah. Dead, dead, she's dead.

Larry:That bat mitzvah, oh, God. Is there anything worse? Can you think of anything worse?

Larry:My mom died. Yeah. So I'm just not gonna be doing much for a while.

Larry:Well... my mother died. Tell Julie good luck, sorry I can't be there. And mazeltov.

Larry:He saw me at the Improv screaming at the audience one night in New York... he thought I could play this tough Jew

Jeff · Larry:Lonely, lonely... Lonely... Just keep repeating it.

Larry · Ed:I kind of need to be alone with my own thoughts. Oh, absolutely. Jeez, bless your heart.

Larry · Cemetery Manager:My mother had a tattoo on her ass? On her right buttock, yes, sir.

Larry:I can't imagine my parents making love. I can't imagine you making love

Larry:There's no good Chinese food in LA. A country of one billion people couldn't send one good chef to Los Angeles.

Larry:A country of one billion people couldn't send one good chef to Los Angeles

Larry:You can't be an East Indian-giver

Larry:Splitting it? What is this, a timeshare in the Hamptons? You don't split a mantra.

Larry:It strikes me as being a tad... homosexual.

Larry:You know, it was just that I've been going through a rough time, what with my mother and all. I didn't even have a chance to say good-bye.

Gravedigger · Larry:I only got four shovels. Asshole.

Larry:Ji ya, ji ya, ji ya, I made it out of clay. And when it's dry and ready, oh, ji ya I will play

Richard Lewis · Larry:You know what it means? 'Fuck me.' Fuck me! Fuck you!

Larry:Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it would be like... not to be able to hear them. It's not so bad.

Larry:I was in this movie, and they gave me this counterfeit money... My mother died...

Larry:Ji ya!

Larry · Phil:When did you start losing it? I started losing when I was 15. 15, wow, earlier than me, yeah.

Larry · Phil:No convertibles. Oh, God, I hate that. Oh, absolutely. 'Cause you have to wear a hat if you're gonna be in a convertible, and then you look like you're trying to hide something.

Larry · Phil:They wear it all the time, and they'll meet a girl then they'll show up on a date. Are they gonna take the hat off? Wear it? They have a terrible decision... Then the girl is gonna be, like, 'I didn't know you were bald.' 'You misrepresented yourself.' 'You're a liar.'

Larry · Phil:I'm surprised Hitler didn't round up the toupee people. If I'm going to be a sick megalomaniac, to round up people who I hated, they would be on my list.

Larry · Phil:I would say, 'Get the toupee people.' Absolutely. I'd have my henchmen going around tugging at people's hair.

Larry:If it comes off... 'Balden,' come with me. Ach, 'Balden.'

Larry:Ah-hh! Does that bother anybody when I make a noise like that? Is anybody disturbed by that? And why should you be? What is it? So what?

Larry · Cheryl:He's like an elephant sticking his head in a pond. Why are you watching this? Ugh... this routine. Stop it. Um-um. No, I'm sorry, no.

Larry · Stu:The cork is dry. We need to send this back. Don't send that back. Feel the cork. I don't give a shit. You don't even have to taste it.

Larry:At $140 a bottle, I don't want 'fine.' 'Larry couldn't possibly tell... No, Larry, Larry, come on, you can't. Larry's not sophisticated enough to know...'

Larry · Stu:I'll get you a nice spritzer. A spritzer.

Cheryl · Larry:Larry only likes him because he's bald. That is so... No, that's true. What makes you say that, Cheryl? He told me. He goes, 'I found this guy, he's great. He's bald.'

Larry:I did hire a bald man, but... And only because he's bald. No, no, no.

Larry:Why... why do I have to thank you?

Larry:Well, you can call it our money, but for the sake of discussion, he's the one who goes to work and earns the money. You don't work.

Larry · Cheryl:Loving you is my job. I earned the money. It's just a fact.

Larry · Michael:Hey, you know me, I don't like to complain. Oh, yeah. I think you know me well enough to know that by now.

Larry · Michael:We want a little pee privacy, do we not? Yeah, privacy. I'm absolutely with you. You don't want someone looking down at your thing.

Michael · Larry:This is not gonna be that kind of crowd. This is a high-class restaurant, Larry. Still people go off to the side. They've got the 45° angle things.

Larry · Michael:What's he got? Did somebody drop some meat or something? No, that floor is spotless for the health inspection. Looks like he smells something.

Larry:Isn't he a corpse-sniffing dog?

Fire Marshal · Larry · Michael:There will have to be an investigation, and we'll have to tear up the floor. Oh, come on that's ridiculous! How long will that take? I don't know. Oh, this is a nightmare.

Larry:I'm telling you, I'm gonna take my money out of this place. What if there's a dead body under there? We're fucked. No one will ever come to the restaurant where they found a body.

Larry · Jeff:You know the Braudys? That guy who smashed into Alanis Morissette? Oh, that idiot. Yeah, that guy.

Larry:It's nice to be affectionate to something German. You don't get the opportunity that often, you know?

Fire Marshal · Larry:What does he got there? Holy shit. What do you got there? A bra? Is that it? Is there more?

Larry:He's a bra-sniffing dog. He's a good bra-sniffing dog.

Larry · Construction worker:can we get the splash guards in the urinal now? What do you think? I'll have time for that. That's good, Larry. We'll get the splash guards. Blessing in disguise.

Jeff · Larry:A dog! She chose a fucking dog over her own father. You sat down, you laid it out? I told her, 'Daddy's sick. He can't stay in the same house with Oscar.' She wants Oscar! She wants the dog!

Jeff · Larry:A bra? What the fuck's wrong with that dog? He's a bra-sniffing dog. A bra-sniffing dog? What the fuck?

Larry · Sammy:Believe me, I know as much about this as the next guy. Come on. No. Too fruity. And a tad on the oaky side. What does 'oaky' mean? It tastes a little like a tree.

Larry · Sammy:Put him in a cage and you can torture him a little bit. They're boring. But you torture them. It's not boring if you torture them.

Larry · Susan:I enjoyed the chicken very much. I was surprised at how good it was, actually. Very funny, that's very funny.

Larry:I guess you'll have to continue to wait if it's a thank you that you're waiting for. Because a thank you is just a little more than you can handle.

Larry · Kid:Because you haven't worked a day since you got out of college. You've never held a job... Hey, look it's a dog. Doggie! Oh, he's so cute.

Jeff · Larry:She's slurring her words, she's bumping into things, she stinks like a fuckin' wino! Oh, I poured some of your... I had poured some wine. Oh, she must have accidentally... a seven-year-old kid drank some wine?

Larry · Jeff:I thought she had a speech impediment. You've known the kid since she was born, and she suddenly develops a speech impediment? That's what was so puzzling to me.

Larry:I don't know what got into me. I was so wrong about that. You're married, you're a couple. of course you get thanked. It's a 50/50 thing. So what if he works and you don't? That has nothing to do with it.

Larry · Susan:Well, it's a long story, but when her daughter told me I could have the dog, she was quite drunk at the time, unbeknownst to me. Drunk? How old is this girl? Seven.

Susan · Larry:Oh my God, I just knew it. And as long as I'm here, I'll take the dog. As long as you happen to be here, you'll take the dog back?

Susan · Larry:Oscar! You...! Oscar! Oscar, you come back right...! Larry, you piece of shit! Thank you, thank you very much!

Larry · Cheryl:Larry stepping on packing bubbles at a social event instead of mingling

Larry · Cheryl:He's getting allergy shots now... And everything's fine?

Larry:Oh, I like the Rice Krispies thing, yeah. 'Crackle and pop,' of course.

Krazee-Eyez Killa · Larry:Asian pussy. Krazee-Eyez Killa, you're getting married. Wanda's, you know, you can't do that anymore.

Krazee-Eyez Killa · Larry:Krazee-Eyez's detailed explanation of why Asian pussy is the best, followed by Larry's weak protest about his engagement

Larry:Well, yes, I'm your nigger.

Larry · Krazee-Eyez Killa:Larry accidentally saying 'I'm your nigger' instead of the slang version

Larry · Susie · Jeff:Larry refusing the house tour with 'You know, it's bedrooms, bathrooms... I get it'

Larry · Cheryl:Everybody knows? ... That's not how he presented it to me.

Larry:You'll suck on my dick, I'll put a nut in your eye? That's a nice scenario for me.

Larry:'I want to have my penis, all right, and my testicles intact'

Larry:'I feel very queer taking house tours'

Larry:Larry doing a fake coffee commercial at breakfast

Larry:Pretend this is a commercial. Watch me do this as a commercial, okay? Boy, that's really good coffee.

Cheryl · Larry:Cheryl threw away the movie jacket 'because it had a hole in it'

Larry:'Of course it had a hole in it, that's where I got shot'

Larry:Larry's sarcastic 'I never could have done that. That's so hard to do'

Larry:You think I'd send anybody to this piece of shit store?

Larry:'You think I'd send anybody to this piece of shit store?'

Larry:Larry trying to find Krazee-Eyez in the phone book with various spelling attempts

Krazee-Eyez Killa · Larry:Krazee-Eyez forcing Larry to take the house tour after Larry refused one earlier

Larry · Krazee-Eyez Killa:'The bed's a lot smaller than I would have thought' / 'I can have three or four motherfuckers in there'

Krazee-Eyez Killa · Larry:Larry can throw trash anywhere because Krazee-Eyez has 'someone to clean up after'

Larry · Krazee-Eyez Killa:Larry's amazement at finding the exact same jacket he lost

Krazee-Eyez Killa · Larry:'Are you my Caucasian?' / 'I'm your fucking Caucasian'

Larry:'No fuckfest. Just Delicious, that's all'

Larry · Cheryl:Larry's elaborate explanation about widow's faces when couples dance

Larry:'Yeah, a David promise is worthless. It doesn't mean anything'

Cheryl · Larry:Yeah, a 'David promise' is worthless. It's really no good? It doesn't mean anything.

Krazee-Eyez Killa · Larry:'I thought we were cool-de-la, man' / 'We ain't cool-de-la?'

Larry · Krazee-Eyez Killa:Larry throwing the jacket at Krazee-Eyez and being criticized for poor etiquette

Larry:Larry's final observation: 'But my neck is feeling pretty good'

Larry:'I think I swallowed a pubic hair'

Larry:I think I swallowed a pubic hair.

Larry:I think I swallowed a pubic hair.

Larry · Doctor:My wife dragged me there. She had these tickets... It's a little embarrassing to me.

Larry:I don't like the idea that everything I do people are finding out about through my housekeeper, that's all.

Larry:I got a pubic hair.

Larry:Generally, between you and me, it's not something I do that often...

Larry:I'm a Jew. To have a tree in the house, it's bad luck. My guy might not... may think I'm switching or something.

Larry:What should I give... ah, you don't know...

Larry · Dora:Could you please just not tell them where I am? Even the doctor's office called up, and you told them I went to a U2 concert, you know?

Larry · Carlos:You can use the 'tú' form with me. 'Usted's' a little formal for us.

Larry:Hey, asshole, I know his name.

Larry:I don't know if it's 'Sonny Bo-no,' or Bon-no.

Jeff · Larry:They can't let them have their holiday. We have to horn in on their holiday.

Larry:I was calling my housekeeper Dora... She was gonna quit, it was a whole huge thing.

Larry:I tipped him twice.

Larry:'Cause he makes twice as much money. What do you mean, why?

Larry:Do you want your first tip back?

Larry:You know what? I think I'm gonna give her my grandfather's tallis.

Larry:Grape stem.

Larry:He's lying, like the waiter.

Larry:There's a little kind of thing you do at the end... you flip them over, the arms, they get, like, flipped over like a little penguin.

Larry:I am never in that bathroom looking at cardboard. As soon as it runs out, you've got the new roll.

Larry:I'm never running out of there with my pants at my ankles screaming, 'More toilet paper!'

Larry:Your sponge replacement's not so hot... if I can speak frankly.