Mels Offer

Larry · Cheryl:What's the sauce with the fish? / There was no fish. / Was fish the second thing?

Larry · Cheryl:I'll just have the first thing. / Okay, and I'll have the second thing.

Larry:They should write the thing down. I don't know what he's talking about. I've no idea what we just ordered.

Larry:Is it ever closed? Has it ever been closed to anything?

Larry · Cheryl:You got it. / Are you serious? / Nothing big, small.

Larry:What do you want to be a David for? Davids want to be out of being Davids. I don't want to be a David, I have to be a David. But if you don't have to be a David, why be a David?

Cheryl:How about if we get married now... like, right now... for our 10-year anniversary, you can have sex with someone else?

Larry · Cheryl:What?! If that's your hold up here, then let's just do that.

Larry · Cheryl:Oh, right! / Right. / I can't believe you remember that.

Larry:Hey, lady. I'm Larry David And my wife said I could have sex with somebody tonight.

Larry · Cheryl:Even if I wanted to, you don't think I'm capable of it. / No, I don't think you're capable of it. I really don't.

Cheryl · Larry:Listen, why don't we go home and I'll... I'll make it worth your while. / I kind of wanna go to karaoke.

Larry:This is the thing that I'm the worst at in the world, this. This and drawing.

Larry:It's like a third thing to do after bowling and the movies. I don't know if you bowl. I don't go that often, But it's fun, it's fun. You can't find a ball, that's the problem.

Larry:My whole life, every time I'm in a bowling alley Sticking my fingers in all these holes, picking up the balls. You gotta get your own ball. I don't bowl enough to get my own ball. It takes up a lot of space in the house. You keep looking at it in the closet going, 'What I am doing with a bowling ball? I don't even bowl.'

Larry:How do you get rid of a bowling ball? Think about that. Who do you give a bowling ball to? Nobody bowls. The thing, it only fits your fingers. You throw a bowling ball in the garbage can, you know what that sanitation man's gonna do? He's gonna knock on your door, that's how upset he's gonna be. He's gonna say, 'Who the fuck threw a bowling ball in the garbage?'

Woman at karaoke:Okay, all right.

Larry · Dennis (wheelchair man):What the hell are you doing? / What the fuck are you doing? What am I doing? What are you doing? What the fuck? I'm trying to walk. / While you're talking on a cell phone? You almost killed me, douche bag!

Receptionist · Larry:Yeah, well, he's in a... he's in a wheelchair. / Yeah, I know. It's a moving vehicle. There's got to be some kind of regulations I would think, even for people in electric chairs. He's motoring along. You don't need to be talking on a cell phone. It's dangerous.

Larry:You got yourself a partner. I got a wife. Not exactly a partner. More like... a rival. You know what I mean? It's a rivalry. I wish I could say this is my partner.

Larry:Well you got, uh... you got Wang from the Good Earth. Remember Wang Lung? Wang isn't a bad first name. Wang? Then you got the whole Ang family. Fang, Bang... Tang.

Larry:Tang is not actually a bad name, 'cause it's like China but it's... it's not China. It's a juice is what it is. Is that so bad naming a kid after a juice? Maybe that's not so bad. But it has Chinese overtones... Tang.

Larry:Uh, that's gonna be the least of his problems, no?

Mel · Larry:Oh my God, what... Larry! Larry David. Oh my God! Ooh, did I hurt you?

Jeff:Then sign Ben Vereen. Who cares what you sign? Come on. Your head's bleeding. Just sign in!

Larry · Doctor:Sorry. It was a local call. / You're not supposed to use the phone. It doesn't matter whether it was a local or a long distance call. We just don't want people using that phone, okay?

Larry · Doctor:I don't understand why not, though. Why couldn't I use it? / Well, you could use it. You obviously did. We don't want you to use it, though.

Doctor:The history of how we arrived at that Is so complex that I won't even bore you with it. Just let it be said that we don't allow anyone To use the phones in the examination rooms.

Doctor · Larry:Nothing more, I would say, than a little prick. / Yeah, there's definitely a prick involved. / Uh, yes, there is a prick involved. / Yeah, there's one prick involved. / Yeah, I'd say there is one prick involved. / I agree. I'm not a doctor, but I agree there is one prick.

Larry:You drooled on me!

Larry:My big fat friend. Hmm, fatso... Yeah, fatso.

Dennis · Larry:She said she found the wallet, gave it to me and I gave her $100. / Seriously, you should worry a little bit less about the wallet And maybe maintain a little focus on your driving skills, buddy.

Receptionist's partner · Receptionist:You think it's good to name a kid after a breakfast drink?! We don't think that's a good name! Do you understand that? / You want to name our baby Tang?!

Mel Brooks · Larry:And when you sang, I was absolutely floored. I mean, l... you think l... Really? No no, I couldn't get over it. And bang bang, something went off in me.

Mel Brooks:I want you, Larry David, to be the next Max Bialystock on Broadway. I would like you to play the lead in 'The Producers.'

Mel Brooks:'Or you got it or you ain't.' I said, 'Andreas, you can't start a sentence with 'or.'' He said, 'Never mind. Or you got it, or you ain't.'

Jeff · Mel Brooks:Giant fuckin' mistake if I say so right to your face. Okay, Zero Mostel... Yeah, I know. I know what you're gonna say. Nathan Lane, Jason Alexander and Larry David? Come on, Mel. / Trust me. When I know, I know. And this time, I know.

Larry:Mel Brooks hit me with a bathroom door. Cut my head. I know, it sounds like a joke.

Ben Stiller · Larry:You're fucking with me, right? / No, it's true, but I'm still thinking about it. I haven't made up my mind.

Cheryl · Larry:Why didn't you shake his hand? He put his hand out for you. / He sneezed all over his hand. But he just sneezed on it. / How rude is that? / He didn't notice anything.

Larry:You know, maybe I will. Maybe I will.