The Pickle Gambit

Leon:Leon worried about losing his ladies if Larry moves: 'You're gonna set me back two or three years'

Larry · Paula:Larry critiquing prostitute's outfit: 'This is a hooker smock is what you got on'

Paula:Prostitute listing items to eliminate: 'Okay, so I'm gonna put the tits away... Animal prints gone... No more hooker boots... Fishnets, out of here'

Larry:Business projection: 'Get one dress and I guarantee you in six months, your closet will be packed with dresses like that.'

Larry · Hotel Clerk:Larry checking out as 'Buck Dancer'

Larry · Hotel Clerk:Larry complaining about tucked sheets: 'Who sleeps like that? It's suffocating'

Larry · Hotel Clerk:Larry's anti-tong manifesto: 'I eschewed the tongs deliberately because the tongs are not made for picking up cookies. They crumble the cookie'

Larry · Hotel Clerk:Larry challenging clerk's authority: 'who put you in charge of the cookies? Do you oversee the cookies?'

Larry · Hotel Clerk:Larry exposing Pepperidge Farm cookies: 'I got news for you, pal. This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie'

Leon:Leon warning about 'Fatwa Claus': 'Fatwa Claus gonna come down that fucking chimney and kill your ass'

Leon · Larry:Leon's racial preference theory: 'You think black people prefer brown sugar over white sugar?' 'Absolutely. Anything brown over fucking white'

Leon:Leon's skepticism: 'I don't wanna be a hater, but can't nobody do all that shit in one day'

Leon:Leon's Forrest Gump comparison: 'You're making it feel like this motherfucker's Forrest Gump or something... That motherfucker lived a life'

Leon:Leon's inappropriate question: 'You ever see a titty?'

Larry · Kenny · Funkhouser · Leon:The pickle jar struggle and Kenny's injury

Leon:Leon's post-injury assessment: 'Valedictorian, now you wanna be pickle boy. You're doing too much!'

Larry:Larry's reveal: 'You know, I think we have a half open jar in the fridge'

Leon:Leon explaining the noises: 'I had a little lady friend come over... her girlfriend's waiting outside... the kid's in the back seat... then I had the pizza guy come over'

Leon:Half-price security: 'What if I get somebody half the price of that Pinkerton motherfucker?'

Ted:Ted's revelation: 'I'm here to ask your permission if I can date Cheryl'

Leon:Leon's reaction: 'Boom.'

Larry:Larry's Mary Steenburgen challenge: 'Larry David is not cool enough for Mary Steenburgen? But Ted Danson is?'

Mary Steenburgen:Mary Steenburgen's gentle rejection: 'maybe you're just not my physical type'

Larry:Larry's revenge information about Cheryl: 'You should know that she doesn't give blowjobs... Sex only in the dark. She's a little revolted by the penis'

Shara:Shara complimenting Larry's disguise: 'I like that... hides the Jew'

Larry:Larry's Muslim networking complaints: 'They're not in show business. They don't hang out at the deli... they're not really coming up to me either!'

Larry:Muslim networking problems: 'I don't know any Muslims. They're not in show business. They don't hang out at the deli.'

Larry · Shara:The mufti pronunciation debate: 'It's moofti... I always thought it was muffti'

Larry · Shara:Larry asking Shara: 'Are you a plotter? Do you plot?... You've plotted?'

Shara:Shara's fatwa dirty talk: 'Fuck me, you godless fuck! You infidel fucking Jew! You fatwa fucking bastard!'

Larry:Larry's political figure dirty talk: 'Donald Trump! Steve Bannon! Jared Kushner!'

Swat:Swat interrupting: 'No fatwa up in here! No fatwa!'

Leon:Leon's commentary: 'I'm not even gonna bring up the fact you're fucking in your goddamn glasses'

Swat:Swat's towel complaints: 'These towels are a little too rough, man. I like a soft towel... If I don't use something velvety, I'ma get ashy as hell'

Swat · Leon:Swat's stone fruit allergy explanation: 'Even the 'oals' will fuck me up... If this fucking man even sees a fucking stone fruit, he's gonna eat the shit'

Larry:Larry's pajama penis visibility concern: 'the flannel's thick, so they obfuscate the penis... my second pair... You see the clear outline of the penis-- very unpleasant'

Larry:Larry's tong hygiene outrage: 'The tongs dropped on the floor, you put them back on the table?! That's like eating off the floor!'

Funkhouser · Larry:Pickle jar hero analysis: 'Why did you have to fight him for the pickle?! You tried to open that pickle jar just like I did! Everybody wants to be a pickle jar hero.'

Funkhouser:Funkhouser's masturbation explanation: 'The way he relaxes is the way all men relax. It's called ejaculation... This is his ejaculator'

Kenny:Kenny's angry outburst: 'What the hell is this shit?! Fuck! You call this lunch?! Take your banana and shove it up your ass!'

Larry · Funkhouser:Masturbation ambidexterity discussion: 'Can you go to your left?' 'No, nobody can'

Larry:Larry's technical masturbation analysis: 'You need rotation, you need tempo, you need feel'

Larry:Larry's prostitute solution: 'I think she could help him... She's a prostitute'

Larry · Leon:The 'pickle gambit' plan explanation

Leon:Leon's name preferences: 'I'm not gonna be on no goddamn White Sox... give me a fucking name... That's a black man's name right there'

Larry:Larry's transformation of Paula: 'I'm stunned! My mind's exploding! This is incredible!'

Larry:Larry's hooker mitzvah declaration: 'I did a hooker mitzvah! It's a hooker mitzvah!'

Larry:Larry's dementia defense: 'I have dementia!'

Paula:Saks Fifth Avenue success: 'I got it at Saks Fifth Avenue.'

Leon:Progressive dating revelation: 'Just to talk to her and see how she was doing, and shopping tips and stuff like that. We had a cup of coffee. Two movies. A walk in the park. One dinner.'

Iranian Consul:Iranian consul's tong claim: 'We use tongs. In fact, we invented the tong'

Iranian Consul:Consul's Seinfeld fandom: 'I am a huge fan of your work. I have watched every episode of Seinfeld'

Iranian Consul · Larry:Seinfeld fan consul: 'I am a huge fan of your work. I have watched every episode of Seinfeld.' 'What's your favorite episode?' 'Isn't everybody's favorite episode the puffy shirt?'

Iranian Consul:Ayatollah close-talking revelation: 'The ayatollah himself is a bit of a close talker'

Kenny · Larry · Iranian Consul:Final chaos with Kenny's climax interrupting diplomatic call: 'I'm coming, Larry!' during Iranian consul meeting