Leon

Leon:Loretta put her foot in it, turned it around, and kicked you in your own asshole.

Leon:Hey, everybody in the family have them big ones.

Leon:Ajackalit.

Leon:What kind of cum was it, first of all?

Leon:It couldn't have been mine. Know why? 'cause I gets mine, Larry. I brings the ruckus to the ladies.

Leon:What am I doing, jacking off to 'Andy Griffith'? Jacking off to Clara, huh?

Leon:Nobody wanna jack off to no damn Aunt Bea.

Leon:Where I come from, you see somebody in a sheet, Ghost is not the first thing you think about. You think about K.K.K.

Leon:That's some fucked-up shit right there, man.

Leon:Joe Pepitone up in this motherfucker.

Leon:You pull their asshole open, step into their asshole, close the door behind you...

Leon:You get in that ass.

Leon:Turn that shit around on him. Topsy-turvy that motherfucker.

Leon:Why you got no credit cards? Why do you order these CDs out of those magazines and be sending 'em next door to the neighbor

Larry · Leon:I don't know. It might not be such a good idea, this whole flip-it thing. I like it, man. I like it.

Larry · Leon:You know what? I'm sorry. I'm really not interested. [telemarketer continues] He don't give a fuck. You don't give a fuck about this-- He's still talking.

Leon:Larry, this means 'cocksucker.' You called him a cocksucker.

Leon:You called Hal, one of the sweetest guys in the world, a cocksucker.

Leon · Larry:How do you know if I haven't already? I'm unflippable. How do you know?

Leon · Larry:How do you know if I haven't already? I'm unflippable. How do you know? Only women can flip me.

Leon:Words to the wise, Larry: This toaster ain't worth a damn. Flipping toaster.

Leon:I got a lot of time invested in this toaster, Larry. Now I'm gonna have to start over again. I can't pause toast.

Leon:If this toast goes back in that machine, it's gonna lose its essence, Larry.

Leon:You got my phone and I got your phone. I'm trying to call my boos, man. Gonna use speed dial, I'm getting all these old-ass people.

Larry · Leon:Larry's indignation about losing to a guy with 'thick, presidential Kennedy hair'

Larry · Doctor · Leon:Larry's testicles getting caught in his underwear fly causing 'scrotal hematoma'

Leon:Leon's diagnosis: 'You got long balls, Larry. Long balls.'

Leon:God damn, Larry. What the fuck, man? You hug my auntie, man, you stab her in the stomach?

Leon:He got a five-second rule. One, two, three, four, five-- boing, it come out.

Loretta · Larry · Leon:Did I just hear the word nigger come out your mouth? No, but I was-- Did you say nigger? No no! Leon! Leon! What? Oh no no, don't-- Leon, get your ass out here. Larry just said nigger.

Leon:Get thfuck out of here! Larry just said nigger! How you gonna say nigger, man? Is that how you feel about us? That we a bunch of niggers up in here?

Leon:Fuck you, Larry, wit' your monkey ass!

Leon:Somebody go in there and put a sock in that motherfucker's mouth!

Leon:Jeff's snore? Man, I'm telling you, that was awful. Worse than the damn hurricane.

Leon:Talk to your boy, man. Shit, that motherfucker swallowed a kazoo.

Leon · Jeff:Mopy Dick, that's what he is. - Moby Dick. - No, Mopy Dick.

Leon · Jeff:Who's fucking Moby Dick? His dick is moping. Oh, literally Mopy Dick? Yeah, Mopy Dick.

Leon:Your brain is all fucking discombobulated, man.

Leon:Larry, grow a mustache, man. Grow a goatee, a mustache, grow sideburns. Become another motherfucker, man.

Leon:The gerbil got on the elevator, hit 'up' and went up your asshole? Is that what happened?

Loretta · Larry · Leon:Oh, fuck you, Larry. Bullshit, motherfucker. I didn't know. You are such a bald asshole! Who the fuck you think you're talking to? Don't nobody talk to my man like that. You'd better get your ass out of my house, you fucking bitch.

Leon · Larry · Loretta:Oh no, fuck that, larry. You might as well sleep outside. i'm an 82° man myself.

Leon:you bring a honey to the hotel and shit... get up in that motherfucker. it's all cold and shit-- got to heat her ass up.

Leon:GOT A FINE-ASS WIFE. WIFE FINE AS HELL-- I DON'T KNOW WHY THE GUY SO DEPRESSED WITH A WIFE THAT DAMN FINE.

Leon:BUT I AM! I'M TAPPING THAT ASS! I'VE BEEN KUNG-FUING THAT ASS FOR A WHILE NOW.

Leon:ASS IS ASS, LARRY. ASS IS FUCKING ASS, LARRY. IT'S WHAT THE FUCK I DO.

Leon:WE ARE LEGO. WE ARE A FUCKING LEGO SET RIGHT NOW. WE ARE FUCKING INTERLOCKED TOGETHER. WE FUCKED HER.

Leon · Larry:How was the date with that wheelchair chick? - I don't kiss and tell. - Come on, man, what happened? Well, I'll just give you the bare bones of it, okay?

Leon:If you fucking brung it, if you really fucking brung it, man, it doesn't matter what the fuck is wrong with her... Coma, fucking handicapped, any of that shit.

Leon · Larry:You did the dizzle on her, right? - I did what? - The dizzle. - The dizzle? You did your dizzle on her, right? Yeah, I did my dizzle.

Leon:I would've had her ass tap-dancing, larry. I don't fuck around. Give me her goddamn number. I'll go over there and twist that ass up, larry. I'll bend that bitch like beckham.

Leon:I'll bend that bitch like beckham.

Larry · Leon:You can't break up with a handicapped person by phone, right? No, huh-uh. No, you got to do it face to face.

Leon:Like right here I got... Look look. Nancy big tits. I know nancy's got big ass tits. Jonel sweet ass. That's the only way I know who the fuck it is.

Leon · Larry:When shit is too clean you can't fucking tell where the fuck you at. You know what I mean? Is that her right there? No, that's not her. But you know what? They might know each other... Handicapped people know other handicapped people, right?

Larry · Leon:If you were living in an all-white neighborhood and there was a brother, you would know the brother, right? - I would know the brother. I would go holla at him.

Larry · Leon:Handicapped people know other handicapped people, right? / You would think. If you were living in an all-white neighborhood and there was a brother, you would know the brother, right?

Leon:What, you think I can't do this shit, huh? I'll white that shit up. I'll white that whole shit up.

Leon:how are you doing today? I'm Danny Duberstein. I heard you have groat's disease.

Leon · Larry:Bar mitzfit. - It's not bar mitzfit. - Bar mitzfit. - vahed! Bar mitzvahed. - Bar mitzfit.

Leon:He's going to give me $200,000 to invest for his ass. I Danny Dubersteined the fuck out that man in that room.

Leon:Who is this little fat bastard? Now that little motherfucker look funny.

Leon:You know what you do when you get a fucking divorce? Ride around and bump the horn and shit like motherfuckers getting married.

Leon:You ran that ass in the ground like a rent-a-car.

Leon · Larry:Fucking two bitches in your bed. What? Fucking two bitches in your bed. You had sex with two women in my bedroom? Fucking right I did! How you gonna fuck bitches in a twin bed.

Leon:Fucking two bitches in your bed. How you gonna fuck bitches in a twin bed?

Leon:It's like jell-o pudding inside of those motherfuckers. The fuckin' titties are talking right now. Those titties are a blabbermouth.

Leon:Those titties are a blabbermouth, you know what I'm talking about? They're fuckin' just yippity-yapping right now.

Leon:Those titties are a blabbermouth, you know what I'm talking about? They're fuckin' just yippity-yapping right now.

Leon:You trusted that black motherfucker. I could've stole this motherfucker... Plenty of times, but I didn't. I know the code to the fuckin' house and shit. 3948, right? The last four of your social security card number is 4938.

Leon:Your signature-- Come on. It's a big L. It's real clear, right? Then the 'arry David' is sloppy. Any man can do that shit. Your mom's maiden name-- Ratner.

Leon:There shouldn't be a motherfucker cutting titties down. You don't fuckin' wanna reduce your titties by half and expect a motherfucker to be happy with that shit.

Larry · Leon:You say that to white people too. You can't turn blue? Hell no I can't turn blue. Blacks don't fuckin' blush. Never seen a black blush in my fuckin' life.

Leon:You don't fuckin' wanna reduce your titties by half and expect a motherfucker to be happy with that shit.

Leon:Ho ho! Look who's in the motherfucking house! Ha ha! Leon in the motherfucking house!

Leon:Let me tell you something. This motherfucking car has got some heart, man. I was surprised. I thought it was a bitch-ass car.

Leon:You got to have a photo I.D. for that, you know what I'm saying? Fuck that.

Leon:I got eight motherfuckers up in this car.

Leon:They some tricky motherfuckers. Frankly, I don't know what I'm doing down there. Ladies know that shit.

Leon:First of all, I would fucking throw the fuck up. I would regurgitate my own shit.

Leon:We are fucking men, Larry. What do we have, man? What the fuck do we have that she doesn't have?

Leon:What's below your fucking bat? What dangles below your bat? Balls. We got bats and balls, right? Okay, what do ladies have? Gloves. What do gloves do? Catch the goddamn balls.

Leon:Bats and balls run the fucking world. The woman is on this earth to catch balls.

Leon · Larry:You know how to do the heimlich. You could have, you know. Yeah, I know how to do the heimlich. You do. If you only went to lunch with him.

Leon:I get a fucking tingle in my Johnson when a motherfucker tells me he's about to get some ass.

Leon:We're good. Can you believe that? I'm gonna get me a whole new class of bitches with these on.

Leon:This is better than anything the civil rights leaders have ever come up with. You're goddamn right. I have overcome, God damn it.

Leon:This shit is a moving dildo. This chair is a fuck machine. Man cannot compete with machinery. You're damn right. She was coming downstairs.

Leon · Larry:He tore the bill up, threw it in the garbage. Done. What? You're kidding. No, I'm not kidding. the glasses, baby. Amazing.

Leon:No, I stole it.

Leon:Leon's elaborate theory about Michael handing Larry his dick and it shooting sperm

Leon:Leon says 'Michael J. Fox about to be Michael J. Fucked-up in a minute'

Leon:That shaking shit might come in handy. I don't fuckin' know. Right? You don't know this motherfucker's skills.

Leon:Leon says Larry vs Michael is 'even Steven' because of the shaking

Leon:I'm fuckin' lamping. What you doing?

Leon:You can keep that boss shit.

Leon:"You can keep that boss shit."

Leon:Come on, I shot a porno constipated. I ran a 5k marathon constipated. I was in a hot dog-eating contest constipated.

Leon:Fucking Jimmy Kimmel foisted that bitch on you.

Leon:That's a fuckin' bride. You a goddamn groom.

Leon:That's a foist.

Leon:Larry David's office. What the fuck is up?

Leon:"Fatwa by association. What kind of fucking question is that?"

Leon:Leon worried about losing his ladies if Larry moves: 'You're gonna set me back two or three years'

Leon:Leon warning about 'Fatwa Claus': 'Fatwa Claus gonna come down that fucking chimney and kill your ass'

Leon · Larry:Leon's racial preference theory: 'You think black people prefer brown sugar over white sugar?' 'Absolutely. Anything brown over fucking white'

Leon:Leon's skepticism: 'I don't wanna be a hater, but can't nobody do all that shit in one day'

Leon:Leon's Forrest Gump comparison: 'You're making it feel like this motherfucker's Forrest Gump or something... That motherfucker lived a life'

Leon:Leon's inappropriate question: 'You ever see a titty?'

Larry · Kenny · Funkhouser · Leon:The pickle jar struggle and Kenny's injury

Leon:Leon's post-injury assessment: 'Valedictorian, now you wanna be pickle boy. You're doing too much!'

Leon:Leon explaining the noises: 'I had a little lady friend come over... her girlfriend's waiting outside... the kid's in the back seat... then I had the pizza guy come over'

Leon:Half-price security: 'What if I get somebody half the price of that Pinkerton motherfucker?'

Leon:Leon's reaction: 'Boom.'

Leon:Leon's commentary: 'I'm not even gonna bring up the fact you're fucking in your goddamn glasses'

Swat · Leon:Swat's stone fruit allergy explanation: 'Even the 'oals' will fuck me up... If this fucking man even sees a fucking stone fruit, he's gonna eat the shit'

Larry · Leon:The 'pickle gambit' plan explanation

Leon:Leon's name preferences: 'I'm not gonna be on no goddamn White Sox... give me a fucking name... That's a black man's name right there'

Leon:Progressive dating revelation: 'Just to talk to her and see how she was doing, and shopping tips and stuff like that. We had a cup of coffee. Two movies. A walk in the park. One dinner.'

Leon:If you want, I'll go over there and fuck somebody ass up. I'll take Swat over there.

Leon:He turned that motherfucker into a human wallet.

Leon:The one thing you don't wanna do around Swat is to speak under your breath.

Leon · Larry:Leon's rule: 'Don't mumble about him' - Larry likes to mumble

Leon · Swat:You're causing a fucking disturbance. / This ain't no disturbance. I'm cooking chicken spaghetti.

Leon · Larry · Swat:Swat causes disturbance cooking, Leon and Larry complain about disturbance

Larry · Leon:Short fly penis problem - can't get penis out of pants with small fly

Leon:Leon's tiddlywinks penis technique - 'press down on the shaft, allows your head to pop up'

Leon:Leon's pants theory - manufactured in country with small penises vs big penises

Leon:Leon's toilet water penis story - 'my johnson hangs in the water'

Leon:Leon eavesdropping and wanting house location - 'Tell me where that fucking house is at'

Leon:Fuck, no. I wouldn't do that shit. You know what, that's not gonna make me wash a car. If anything, I'm not gonna wash it. Just to annoy this guy. I assume it's a guy. A woman wouldn't do something like that. Ladies don't do that kind of shit. Ladies bust windows out and slash tires and key your car and shit.

Leon · Larry:You like that? See the comma after "no"? / No! / That's good grammar. / You wash me! You wash me! / Yeah. / Yeah. / I like that shit.

Leon · Larry:Is that one of those "Star Trek" movies? / No, no. It's an old movie with Sophia Loren. She's gorgeous. / Is she naked in the movie? / No, it was... it was from the '60s. Nobody... nobody got naked in the '60s. / She's gotta be naked in something. / Well, if you come across anything, let me know. / You know I'ma look.

Leon:Hey, vagina always wins. I lost a brother to a vagina.

Larry · Leon:I would fuck her. Damn! - You like that? - Fucking love that shit.

Larry · Leon:I wanted to do the downward dog. That's my favorite one. - You love that downward dog. - I'm a big dog.

Leon · Larry:Guess whose number I got. - Yogi Tina? - Yeah. Nice! Guess who just threw me out of class and told me never to come back. - Yogi Tina? - Yeah, Yogi Tina.

Larry · Leon:I wouldn't say namaste. - Man, you gotta say namaste, man. - Oh, get the fuck out of here. That's so stupid.

Larry · Leon:Car accident sequence with backup camera malfunction

Larry · Leon:I follow the golden rule, okay? 'Do unto others as you'd have others do unto you.' - I follow the golden rule, too. My friend Jasper's golden. 'Fuck them or they'll fuck you.'

Leon:I can't fuck at 92 degrees in my room 'cause my room won't get hot enough. It gets hot in here.

Leon · Larry:She's a yoga instructor. She likes hot yoga. - Oh, so she likes hot sex and hot yoga, is that it? - That's fuckin' right. That's what the fuck she does.

Leon · Larry:There's nothing wrong with people having the scent of... of fuck on their body. - I don't like the scent of fuck, okay? Sue me. I don't like fuck scent.

Larry · Leon:How do you know he's black? - I know how black people sound. - You could tell that guy was black? - Fuck, yeah, instantly. Three words. Bam. Jews, I could tell within, like, a minute. - Man or woman. - Of course, 'cause you're Jewish. You... you give me two minutes, and I could tell you if they're reform or conservative.

Tina · Larry · Leon:It's the optimal temperature for climaxing. - Oh, is it? Ha, ha, is it? You... are gonna have to leave. - Such hospitality. - Feels good? Namaste. - Okay. Now get the fuck out. - I'm still gonna nama-stick-it-in-her.

Larry · Leon:And I'm telling you, I don't think Bridget's kid has Asperger's. I swear to God, I just think he's an asshole. - The kid's an asshole. - I know a lot of people with Asperger's, I do. Not a lot, but I know some. And you know what, they're delightful people. This kid, I'm betting you're right. - Asshole.

Larry · Leon:I'm gonna start telling people that you're on the spectrum. - I could be. Any bad behavior can be written off as what? - Spectrum. - Spectrum.

Leon · Justin:White people. - Hey, man, white people. Gotta love 'em. Namaste. - Namaste up in this mother fucker.

Larry · Leon:There must have been 10,000 ejaculations in that place in just two years. - That means that room is broken in. It's ready. It's prime and ready to fuck.

Larry · Leon:There must have been 10,000 ejaculations in that place in just two years. - That means that room is broken in. It's ready. It's prime and ready to fuck.

Leon · Larry:You gonna bring my rating down. I'm a good five right now. I'm a five. - No, no, you a fuckin' one.

Leon · Tina · Larry:[Leon and Tina's loud sex sounds from guest house] - Do I hear a Jew? - I'm not gonna do that!

Leon · Larry:Do I hear a Jew? - I'm not gonna do that!

Leon:He took a word in one of my rhymes and changed that shit. And it opened up lyrically for me. It was amazing, man. He also saved me from a marriage to a lesbian. So, yeah... that motherfucker's my Caucasian.

Leon:A bite on the damn nipple!

Leon:Leon's interjection about biting nipples

Leon:make her sign an agreement that she won't fucking talk. What do you mean, like a nondisclosure agreement? Fucking non-disclosure. Make her sign that shit.

Leon:Leon's suggestion for a 'fuck document' - nondisclosure for sex

Larry · Leon:You need a dick chiropractor. Dick chiropractor? There's dick chiropractors? Yeah. Of course there are.

Leon:Don't give us that green thumb shit.

Leon · Rose · Larry:I'll tell you what. We're gonna take that dog or this plant. Oh, no, you're not taking my dog. Why not? You think I want that dog in my house?

Leon · Rose · Larry:You know what? Let's take his hat. No, you're not taking his hat. No, take the whole goddamn head. Take the whole fucking head.

Leon:This plant is like a person. Certain parts of the year, that plant turns darker, like myself. When I go to Florida, I turn a little darker, a shade darker. Most of the time I carry myself in a mocha tone, but there are some parts of the year when I'm more mahogany.

Leon · Larry:Leon's realization about Larry's payment: 'You heard me... 1,200. 1,200 fuckin' dollars to skip a day on his real job... but he wasn't gonna make 1,200. That's his gross... The guy just made $500 off me.'

Leon · Larry:Leon's tax advice: 'See, when you give somebody money, you gotta add that shit up in your brain. You FICA. You take the fuckin' difference out!' 'You FICA!' 'I'm not FICA!' 'You FIC'd up.'

Leon:Leon's inappropriate questions to the married couple: 'So you got on one knee and asked her to marry you?' 'Did you get on top of her on the honeymoon night?'

Leon · Larry:Leon's sleepfucking theory: 'I thought maybe you were... were sleepfuckin'... your brain is fuckin', but your conscious mind...' Larry: 'I have a hard enough time wakefuckin'. How am I gonna sleepfuck?'

Leon:You're like a... a porridge, a cream of wheat, a farina, that kind of shit. That's what white people's skin tone is. It's just different kinds of hot cereal.

Leon:Black people, your skin tone's like, it depends on the amount of milk you put in the coffee. Fuckin' right. I'm like a fuckin' Yoo-hoo.

Leon:My Auntie Rey put some of that shit on her, and went into anaphylactic shock. Yeah. Started shakin' and shit. Took her to the ER. Man, they had to pump her stomach for nothing.

Leon:Leon's story about his aunt's talcum powder anaphylactic shock

Leon:Know what I noticed? No one ever wears those hats on backwards. If mean, if you're gonna get your ass kicked, you want to see it coming.

Leon:You're fuckin' up. Next.

Larry · Leon:Nobody likes a wobbly table. Fastest way to lose customers is wobbly tables. I got an uncle with a wobbly leg. I can't stand that motherfucker. Leaning on shit all the time.

Larry · Mocha Joe · Leon:This is cold coffee. Whoa, whoa. Wait a second. That coffee is not cold. Look, we don't wanna be fuckin' haters right now, but this shit is cold.

Leon:Hey. Larry might be one or two of those things, but not all three.

Leon · Larry:What? Where the fuck you been at? What are you? My mother? Fuck yeah, I am. All right, I was at a party, okay? I was at Jeff's party. That party was over a long time ago. Huh? Yeah. This right here... This right here? It's called tappin' hours.

Leon · Larry:This is the hours when people are tappin' ass. I'm not tappin'. I'm not tappin'. Older white men should not be out this fuckin' late. There's no late-night yacht club, or late-night garage sales and shit like that. You out here fuckin'.

Leon · Larry:Ah! You know what I'll do? I'll call you in the middle of lunch. Say it's an emergency and you gotta go. I did that the last time I had lunch with him. Oh, boy. That guy's relentless.

Leon · Other driver:Leon's road rage incident and near-violence

Leon · Larry:Hey! What the fuck are you doing? Whoa. Oh, God. Oh, God. Motherfucker! What the fuck? What are you trying to do, man? What the fuck are you doing? You little fucker!

Larry · Leon:I need that talcum powder. What you got goin' on? It's an emergency. Get me the talcum powder! Fuck! Who you tappin'? Cheryl. What? My man Larry David re-tappin' that ass!

Leon:When I found out my daddy had cancer, I never spoke to that man again. I even stopped taking his calls.

Larry · Leon:Did he die? I don't know.

Leon:Somebody told me you were side-sitting Cheryl. The mailman.

Larry · Leon:I think you can introduce me sort of as a renaissance man. A guy who speaks six languages. You wanna impress people with lies?

Leon:You know how many times I put milk and Mountain Dew together? And I mean, I could have my own, my own fucking drink, Leon Black.

Leon:You motherfuckers will accept all kind of stupid shit in your mouth. Escargots and fucking wheatgrass.

Leon:Touché, motherfucker.

Leon:What the fuck? That's artificial fruit!

Leon:Don't put the thing on the table in the fucking kitchen! What the fuck I'm supposed to do with it?

Leon:When you're home, making love to your fuckin' lady, you're on top of her, and you... and you pumpin' her, you say, 'I'm comin', I'm comin', I'm comin',' you don't get the fuck up and go in the kitchen and make a goddamn ham sandwich, do you?

Leon:You need a motherfucker like me around here.

Leon:Don't serve those, those dry-ass scones. Those shits make my throat hurt.

Leon:Hey, fuck you, Vanilla Joe. Kiss my ass.

Leon:He's fuckin' right. You got to have the fuckin' beans to have the best coffee.

Larry · Leon:You're not invited to the wedding. Nah, fuck the wedding. I'm going with you. Tagging along with you.

Leon:Consider me your luggage. Bring me on the fuckin' plane, put a seatbelt around me, and I won't say shit.

Leon:You know what the fuck that means? She's a fuckin' yo-yo. All signs point to her yo-ing up.

Leon:If that pilot needs my weight to fly that plane safely, he need another fuckin' plane.

Larry · Leon:Suppose I took your tray like this. What are you gonna do then? You fucked up now!

Leon:Now I got to eat my shit with a spoon.

Leon:No. No fucking two out of three. You don't get a second chance, Larry. It's not the damn playoffs.

Leon:I told 'em I was handicapped. If they ask too many questions, then I throw a limp on their ass.

Leon:Do you think the maid is gonna charge me for the massage she gave me? 'Cause she didn't mention it.

Leon:I don't give my weight, or my fuckin' height. That's called a goddamn description of a motherfucker.

Larry · Leon:This is better than Mocha Joe's. Mocha Joe can't fuck with this right here.

Larry · Leon:I don't have polio, asshole. - Every kid with those kind of gloves had polio.

Larry · Leon:Poo-poo-be-doop? - If I lived in the fuckin' '40s... I'd know I'm tappin' that ass.

Leon:Fuckin' in black and white.

Leon:That's like Mary Ann from fuckin' Gilligan's Island.

Leon:The new ones, they got one that's sensitive around the fuckin' neck. You could put hickeys on that motherfucker if you wanted to, man.

Larry · Leon:Oh, Sherry? You gave it a name? - Yeah, I mean, I got her out of the box. Give her a little air and shit. - You didn't try and get a little friendly with her, did you?

Larry · Leon:I wouldn't put it past you, let's just say that. - I had a lady give me a wedgie with my own goddamn johnson.

Leon:Be cool, Sherry.

Leon:Any motherfucker that come up to that shit, with a little-ass penis, of course it works for them. But you got a big-ass johnson, you gotta stand a little further back, see, so your johnson don't overshoot and hit the back of that motherfucker.

Larry · Leon:You said you were going to deflate it. - You know what? I didn't get around to it. I'll... Slipped my mind. - You're fuckin' her, aren't you? - I'm not gonna sit here and let you do this shit to me right now.

Leon · Larry:People hate surprise parties. - No, no, no, no. - That's fun? That's fun? - Yes.

Larry · Leon:He's a white supremacist. He named his dog Adolf. / He named his dog after his grandfather. / Hey, if my grandfather was named Pol Pot, I wouldn't name my dog Pol Pot.

Leon · Larry:No black man would ever chase a fuckin' tornado. / Yeah, that, that's so true. / That shit is dumb as fuck.

Leon:Pussy tea. Huh? / All the taste of pussy, without the commitment. / Like, put that shit in a tea bag.

Larry · Leon:I feel like Susie wants to give this guy a heart attack with all these people yelling, 'Surprise.' She wants to kill him. / You're saying the point of the surprise party is to kill him?

Leon:I was watching Columbo one night, at three in the morning. This motherfucker had me convinced I did the shit.

Leon · Larry:If you tell him... She'll kill me. / But then, if you don't tell him... He could have a heart attack and die. / So what are you gonna do? / Oh, I'm not gonna tell him. / Then you'll have to live with that. / Eh.

Leon:Hit the fuckin' lottery. The fuckin' handicapped lottery, Larry. / The sky's the motherfuckin' limit.

Leon · Larry · Jane:Is that a hobbit? / No way! / Aah, to hell with you.

Leon:You know what? I just might take a lead pipe to your leg so we can get one of these all the time.

Leon · Larry:Heil Hitler! / Yes, that's a good boy. / Who's a good Adolf? Ooh!

Larry · Leon:I really like those on the coffin. / I'mma take a quick pic. / No, Larry.

Leon · Larry:Leon's magical vagina theories: "could pull a rabbit out of that motherfucker" and "put this fuckin' Pop-Tart in that fuckin' vagina and toast that shit"

Leon:That fuckin' vagina could pull a rabbit out of that motherfucker. Or put this fuckin' Pop-Tart in that fuckin' vagina and toast that shit.

Leon · Larry:Leon's condolence text suggestions about the magical vagina

Leon:And know how many times I forgot I peed in that Gatorade bottle and drank that shit? Once.

Leon:This could be the pee Amazon. You know? This, this is big.

Leon · Larry:This could be the pee Amazon. Poober! Gotta Go.

Leon · Larry:Poober. Poober! Meh. It's too close to Uber. Meh.

Leon · Larry:'Gotta Go.' Like that. That's catchy as hell.

Larry · Leon:We did it. We did it!

Leon:Is he wearin' a pad? Is he, is he a little boy, a little Dutch boy with his finger in his ass, with wooden shoes on, with socks to his knee, little shorts on, little vest, little top hat on, with his finger in your damn rectum?

Leon:My man, you gotta go! Ha-ha! Look at this shit, Larry. Woo! Did I tell ya? Huh? I told ya!

Leon · Larry:Something wrong with a person supporting black and shit? Black licorice, black jellybeans... You feel me? No, I feel you.

Larry · Leon:Bean-meister.

Leon:When you tell a motherfucker that story, you should say, 'Lo and behold.' When a motherfucker says, 'Lo and behold,' it makes me fuckin' react.

Leon:That big motherfucker's the glue.

Leon:Black licorice, black jelly beans, fuckin' blackouts, burnt toast. I don't give a fuck, I eat burnt toast. I take that piece of burnt-ass toast, put it between two pieces of fuckin' pumpernickel, have a burnt-toast pumpernickel sandwich.

Larry · Leon · Mocha Joe:(stomach rumbling) (Leon chuckles) (stomach gurgling) Aah! (yells) Oh! (Larry groaning loudly)

Larry · Leon:(Larry and Leon both experiencing stomach distress simultaneously)

Leon:That's negotiating? On what planet is that negotiating? I do it with my mattress guys. I have 'em out there pounding cotton.

Leon:I do it with my mattress guys. I have 'em out there pounding cotton. And, uh, family throws out a quote they don't like, I tell 'em to just get out of there, walk away.

Larry David · Leon:You can't just fling one side over the other. Cinch your robe.

Leon:Of course there is. We meet once a month. We talk about the pitfalls of having a big-ass johnson.

Leon:When you're fuckin' out of town, the whole community shows the fuck up, and we sit around the table, and just talk.

Leon:My man, Horse Cock Williams.

Leon:You gotta flash that motherfucker at the door.

Leon:They'll throw you out of there by your little-ass johnson.

Jeff · Leon:He's a shanda for the bald.

Leon:I said, I'm taking my baby, my baby to Asia.

Leon:You are so fucking skinny, your arms can't even hold a fucking glass.

Leon:That's two feeble things in a fucking row. He's got one more left. I'ma drop his ass off at a nursing home.

Leon · Larry:That's where you're going? This is the bathroom I use to drop the kids off at the pool.

Leon:The resort pool is not available to me?

Leon · Larry:The resort pool is not available to me? It is not available to you ever. Never? Never. Never.

Leon:I'll be honest, AB, I haven't even seen any of your fuckin' movies.

Leon:that little fat motherfucker, who rolled on the floor, like in circles going, that motherfucker never got no ass. I guarantee you.

Leon:You tapped the door. You're never gonna tap her.

Leon:You tapped the door. You're never gonna tap her.

Leon · Larry:Someone's tryna come up. Someone's tryna get paid. It's extortion.

Leon:He's a fuckin' COVID hoarder. Albert's a COVID hoarder.

Leon:motherfucking office buildings and shit, they ostracized from the other pigeons and shit... 'Cause that goofy motherfucker ran into a goddamn building last week

Leon:You're forgettin' one key thing here. Free. Who wouldn't wanna go to Asia for free?

Leon:What you should do is this, you send an email before you go to the dentist, let him know what you wanna hear. He plays what the fuck I tell him to play. It's like playlist courtesy.

Leon:One is for takin' off your clothes. And one is for puttin' clothes on.

Leon:Mary Ferguson is gone, Larry. And it's your fault! That's two Mary Fergusons you cost me. Mary Fergusons don't fuckin' grow on trees.

Leon · Larry:'Yeah, fuck that. I'm taking this shit to my fuckin' room. What are you doing? Give me those towels. What are you doing? Fuck you, Larry!'

Leon:Do you love adventure? Do you want to travel to Asia for free? Is your name Mary Ferguson? If the answer to all three of these questions is yes, then contact Leon Black.

Leon · Larry:The nicest people in the world are people who will return a fuckin' dog to you. - Who's not gonna return a dog? What kind of asshole? - I kept a dog for six years one time I found.

Leon:You know how many times I walked by the sign on the fuckin' tree that said, 'lost dog', and it was this motherfucker right here?

Leon · Larry:Tap Water. - Based on tapping that ass.

Leon:Fuckin' mushroom jerky. They jerked a fuckin' mushroom.

Leon:She liked the flowers and shit, so maybe she doesn't want to actually look for it.

Leon:Oy vey, motherfuckers!

Larry · Leon:Why do they do this? / Even Woody Harrelson makes speeches like this. It's just an Oscar. It's not the Nobel Peace Prize, right?

Leon:Okay. I fucking lied, okay? I fucking love watermelon, I love it. But I can't eat this shit in front of white people.

Leon:I fucking love watermelon, I love it. But I can't eat this shit in front of white people.

Leon:Even Black people don't like to see Black people eat fucking watermelon. I feel bad for the fucking watermelon.

Leon:I gotta put the frickin' watermelon in a little napkin and go in the bathroom and eat that shit. Or go into the fucking forest and eat that shit.

Larry · Leon:He said he'd like to buy the watermelon. / And that's okay. Because it's not a crime for a Black man to like watermelon, is it?

Leon · Larry:What the fuck was that? / That... was a Mary Ferguson. / I brought her back here to meet you. She was perfect! / Lost another one. That's three, Larry.

Leon:Every time I had a tummy ache, I tapped that ass.

Leon:You're being accommodating. If you're gonna do that shit, you might as well put her in the backseat and you fucking drive.

Leon · Larry:You gonna tap that? - Are you nuts? Tap what? - Come on, you hittin' that.

Leon:Motherfucker need a crane. You feel me?

Leon:Like if you saw a picture of a bearded lady in the circus without the beard, and she was really attractive. Would you try and date her and convince her to shave?

Leon:The fuck? I had one more left. Who the fuck ate my last fucking Haagen-Dazs popsicle?

Leon:That motherfucker is F-A-T positive. You know what I'm saying? If a hat was missing, I would blame a bald head motherfucker like you.

Leon:You know what I'm saying? If a hat was missing, I would blame a bald head motherfucker like you.

Leon:Yeah. Same shit that come out of a lady after she have a baby.

Leon · Jonas:Hey! Hey! Hey! Let it go, motherfucker. Let it go. - Come here, come here. - Let it go, you fat bitch.

Larry · Leon:Really hate giving up that time slot. Can't a motherfucker live a life? Sometimes, no. Yeah. But that golf, that's white man problems. Yeah. We have golf. You have voting.

Leon:This little motherfucker got a piece of ass, which is priceless. Then he got 400,000 dollars on top of that shit? And the movie paid him. He got paid three fucking times, and he still complains.

Larry · Leon:How old were you when you first got laid? Fourteen years old. Fourteen? So if you were in the Boy Scouts, you would've got your, uh, intercourse badge.

Leon:My first time tapping wasn't some gorgeous-ass actress. It was this lady that made donuts and shit, donut shop. You don't see me coming back years later, asking for 400,000 dollars in donuts.

Leon:I tapped the lady that made the holes, you understand?

Leon · Larry:It is racist. - What? - Of course. - Get out of here. Only a Black person would tell another Black person, and they'd move the fuck up.

Leon:You out of your lane. You swerved out of your fucking lane. Stay in your lane. That's fucking racist.

Leon:It's audacity. You had the fucking audacity.

Leon:You shouldn't have asked that lady to move up in your fucking white condition.

Leon · Larry:It's gotta be Black on Black. - So, bald on bald. - Bald on bald. - Jew on Jew. - Jew on Jew is cool too.

Larry · Leon:What'd you say? I told him to stop fucking around. It's a 50-dollar valve.

Leon:He was gonna fuck you with sandpaper, you understand?

Leon:They need a motherfucker who knows a little bit about everything and a lot about nothing.

Larry · Leon:House husband? - Yes. - That's right.

Leon:Cheryl is beautiful, you a handsome-ass devil. He gon' take advantage of your ass.

Leon:Once you start voting, there's taxes, and... and... and jury duty, and old-ass warrants that pop up out of nowhere.

Leon · Larry:Gotta tap that ass under duress? That's the worst. Have you ever tapped someone under duress?

Leon:My uncle passed away unexpectedly. So, I had to tap this cougar at this mortuary. Got a half off that coffin.

Leon:They call 'em midgets or dwarves. I stack two on top of each other, make 'em one whole women. Tap that ass.

Leon:That unpleasant bitch got you twisted the fuck up right now.

Larry · Leon:I can't believe how House Husband is catching on. - Really? - Yeah, man.

Leon:All you need is these right here. See that? We call them anchors. Man, woman. See this? See that? What I need you to do is make love to that goddamn shelf, and hang it up.

Leon:I got a whole fucking deck of cards. I... I got the Black card, I got the handsome card, the tall card, the Big Johnson card...

Leon · Larry:I got the Black card, I got the handsome card, the tall card, the Big Johnson card... - Oh, hold on. Hold it. Hold it. Handsome card? - Fuck, yeah. - You don't have a handsome card.

Leon · Larry:What you're doing right now, is you puttin' bad miles on your johnson. You never heard of a car have highway miles and fuckin' city miles? I... I never heard of miles on a johnson. Right now, we got dick depreciation.

Leon · Irma:All this stuff is going to the same place. Fuckin' dump, a big pile of fuckin' trash and shit... With seagulls flyin' over that shit.

Leon:Bad miles.

Larry · Leon:Why are you eating potato chips for breakfast? Leon eats potato chips in the morning. That's me talking in the third person.

Leon:My first person loves 'em, my second person, and my third Leon person love potato chips in the morning!

Irma · Leon:Yes. We are in a beautiful relationship, and you... ever heard the expression 'third wheel'? How about 'two's company, three's a crowd'? That's wrong. It's Three's Company.

Leon:With one guy and two girls in the same apartment.

Leon:The Regal Beagle! Regal Beagle!

Leon · Irma:Now, don't be surprised if this thousand-piece puzzle turns into a 999-piece puzzle. - You would not dare.

Leon · Irma:Here kitty, kitty, kitty. - Hey, hey, hey! - Here kitty, kitty, kitty.

Leon:Oh, I see. You're choosing her over me.

Leon:I got another Mary Ferguson coming here, okay? From Arizona.

Leon · Larry:People fall in love with their motherfuckin' captors and shit. Something called, s... Uh... uh... Stockholm... - Stockholm syndrome? You Stockholm tappin'. That's what the fuck you doin'.

Larry · Leon:He just touched my penis with his penis. - Really? - Yeah, our penises connected.

Larry · Leon:There's never been a moment of my life that I did not have total penis awareness. - It's subconscious, by the way. - Of course, yeah. Total.

Larry · Leon:You know, is it... Is she dead, Nadia Comaneci? - I don't even know. - Who? Uh, Nadia Comaneci. - Yeah. - Oh. I don't know. Strange. Hmm.

Jeff · Leon:This is crazy! I thought you're staying a few days. What is this? - This is all my stuff.

Leon:I'm asking you to lift it up with your hands, not your vagina.

Jeff · Leon:No, no, no. I just had surgery, I don't do any heavy lifting. I'm asking you to lift it up with your hands, not your vagina.

Leon:Hey, if you want a brother, you know, put some nice highway miles on that motherfucker, let me know.

Leon · Mary Ferguson:Love a different bed! - Whoo! Oh, yeah! - Whoo!

Leon · Larry:Where's your fucking shoes at, man? - Oh. - Is it a Jewish thing? Yeah, actually, if you don't want to wear a yarmulke, you can go without shoes.

Leon · Vindman:Oh, shit. Who... who fucking knew? - Did you read the book? - Yeah. Two days. - Wow. - I watched the testimony from the beginning to end, twice.

Leon:You know what a good book title would be? China and Russia on that Bullshit.

Leon:All you need is five good lies, and it'll take you through the rest of your life. How do you keep your stories straight? Just hang around with dumb people.

Larry · Leon:Your middle name is Luscious? - It's Lucius, but I pronounce it Luscious. Everybody calls me Luscious.

Flight attendant · Leon · Vindman:Is everything okay? - Oh, everything's great. I'm just so excited to go on this trip with you, Alex. - Call me Colonel.

Leon:Leon's concept of 'dick dialing' people by accident from his front pocket

Leon:You can't do that shit to old people, man. I mean, I almost killed a uncle like that. Yeah. This motherfucker was in the tub taking a fucking bath. He's like, 'What the fuck?' That was it. Motherfucker died like this.

Larry · Leon:I know what you mean. Why do you keep asking me if I know what you mean? It wasn't that difficult. It's not science. You made a very simple statement. Yeah, I know what you mean.

Leon:Leon demonstrating by calling the dog multiple insults: 'Hey, fat fuck. You a fat ass. You fucking fat. You a short, fat ass dog.'

Leon:Leon warning the dog about airplane food: 'Don't you eat nothing else' and noting the dog understood that part

Leon:And sometimes, I can hear my dick dialing a number. Know what I mean? I'm like, 'What the fuck are you doing?' You know what I'm saying?

Larry · Maria Sofia · Leon:You can't insult a dog. They don't know. Yes, she does. You need self-awareness to understand someone's shaming you. This dog is not gonna turn around and go, 'What the fuck you say?' Look, watch this. Hey, fat fuck. You a fat ass. You fucking fat. You a short, fat ass dog.

Leon:I had a 4.0 APA, 'Ass-Point-Average.' In high school, I was the valedictorian of tapping ass.

Leon · Maria Sofia:Get your fat ass off my jacket. You crazy? Pechuca is not fat. I told your pudgy ass before to stay off my shit. Do not talk to Pechuca like that.

Leon:If this motherfucker's African, I'm fucking a... What's the little boy in that fucking book with the freckles on his face, with the overalls and the fucking bare feet, and he looked wet all the time? Huckleberry Finn.

Larry · Leon:Have you noticed that when you take a picture, you don't look nearly as good as you do when you look in the mirror? Yeah. Because the mirror is how you see yourself. And the photo is how you're seen. Fuck, that's deep.

Leon · Larry:I wonder if a Black man going to Africa is like a Jew going to Israel. If you go to Israel to fuck, you know what I'm saying? Let's plan a trip. We'll hit the Congo... And then, we'll go to Tel Aviv. I'll tap yours. You tap mine.

Leon:Leon's reaction to lawn jockey: 'You fist bumped this motherfucker?'

Leon · Larry:This is heavy, man. What the fuck? Are you guys doing anything? Yeah, I'm holding it.

Leon · Larry:This is heavy, man. What the fuck? Are you guys doing anything? Yeah, I'm holding it.

Susie · Larry · Jeff · Leon:Susie threatens they'll eat the security deposit and demands exact replacement immediately

Leon:What do you buy a person who already has bullshit like this bullshit?

Leon:Leon needs to 'drop kids off at the pool' - bathroom euphemism

Larry · Jeff · Leon:Larry uses hair dye to darken the white lawn jockey

Woman · Larry · Leon:Larry is here to help us fight for our cause. Well, yeah. I am gonna fight. You know, I'll fight it in my own way. So what you mean is you're gonna do it no way.

Leon:Leon makes spaghetti with ketchup because they ran out of sauce

Leon:Leon suggests Black lawn doctor with stethoscope or Black lawyer with briefcase instead of jockey

Larry · Leon:Larry's balls are hanging out of his shorts, visible to others

Leon:'Balls are disgusting. It's like the elephant man under your penis.'

Leon:Leon's theory about balls and brain having same pattern under magnifying glass

Larry · Leon · Duane:Every Black person you meet, you say 'brother' to? - You say 'brother' and you give him one of those right there. - You too? - Respectful nod.

Leon · Larry:A nod is like our 'aloha'. - I don't do a Jew nod. You guys got that song already, 'Hey, Jew'. That's Hey Jude with a D. J-U-D-E.

Leon:'The only problem is you can't get someone pregnant on old-ass sperm when it's in powdered milk form.'

Leon:Leon's video message: 'I'm looking forward to tapping that ass. Hope you ready.'

Leon:This motherfucker can bend his body up and lick his own balls. Do you think that motherfucker can't lick his own nuts? Of course he can.

Leon:'That little motherfucker gon' come out with a mustache and bad credit.'

Leon:'Fuck is she, the cum police?'

Lydia · Leon:What was that? Was that a coyote? - Mabel? Did you hear a dog? I didn't hear shit.

Leon · Larry:I got one question. What's a urologist? ... It's nothing. You pee in a cup.

Leon:I love peeing in cups. You know what I'm saying? I like peeing in big-ass bowls, but I'll pee in a cup.

Leon:The man that makes corn chips on the cob is gonna be a fucking billionaire.

Leon:Sometimes I pee right in the condom, and I'll just take it off, tie a little knot in that motherfucker and throw it in the trash, and keep on fucking.

Leon:You ain't no piss doctor! You a ass doctor! ... You don't do that shit to people, man!

Leon:These fresh meatballs in here? Gotta get that corn on the cob. On the cob, off the cob, it don't matter. Y'all ain't playing around this motherfucker, huh?

Leon · Larry:Leon's urination time-wasting theory leading to 'The Peeus' car concept

Leon:You know who's gonna be a billionaire? Motherfucker who's gonna, uh, create a car that runs on piss... The Peeus.

Leon · Larry:Leon's pre-eating preparation: undoing pants and belt buckle

Leon · Shimon:Oh, so you're the Wendy's of this motherfucker. I'm fucking Wendy. You want me to put on a little red wig and freckles?

Leon:If this was a brothel, I'd be fucking pissed.

Leon:Yeah! Fuck you, Shimon! That's five pounds of short ribs and ten pounds of fuck you!

Larry · Leon:Dahlia walked in on us when I was downtown... Downtown is fucking dangerous, you understand? You more of an uptown person.

Leon:Downtown is fucking dangerous, you understand? You more of an uptown person.

Leon:I can fuck around and do a TED Talk to that shit. I'll have a pussy TED Talk. Get all the guys in one room, get a little microphone, get a little laser pointer and shit. Like, 'This is a pussy. See?'

Leon · Larry:All the eromenous zones... Erogenous. Eronenous zones. Erogenous. Erotenous. Erogenous zones.

Leon:You cut the bottom of that bitch open and put the shit inside then reseal the bottom.

Leon:You gotta moisten that motherfucker. Yeah. Like trying to thread a needle. Yeah, yeah, lick that shit good. You gotta get that bitch in that hole.

Leon · Larry:Getting caught eating pussy is not a basis... So, you fucked.

Leon:Put that motherfucker on... on the Mount Rushmore of... of pussy eaters. They all got their tongue out and shit. You know what I mean?

Leon · Larry:You would've been a hell of a father... Social workers would've descended on the house within two weeks.

Leon:Look at the front. Very presidential. Look at that. Look at that grill. This is a White man car right here, I'll tell you that much. Who'd you get it from, Mr. Peanut? The motherfucker with the monocle and a top hat?

Leon:Hey, did Marilyn Monroe fuck JFK in a car like this?

Leon:No. A hunch is something that's shared. Otherwise, it's just a thought in your head. A hunch is like a sneeze, gotta let that shit out.

Leon:Know why? 'Cause your fucking shoulders didn't go up. Your shoulders didn't move. And that mannerism's only good for hunches and shit.

Leon:You know what they say, the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice. Darker the berry, meaning the darker you are, the sweeter your juice is.

Leon:If a cannibal ate me, that motherfucker would be like, 'Mm! Wow, this motherfucker's delicious.'

Leon:You start walking like that, man, they gotta give you your own fucking lane. That way it won't throw regular motherfuckers off.

Leon:And then they'll add you to the evolution of man chart. Like motherfuckers who walk normal, and then all of a sudden, at the end... Like modern day motherfuckers walk like this.

Leon:You're not a good jiggler.

Les McCrabb · Leon:I wouldn't get back in that car. Wait a fucking minute. It can kill men your age.

Leon:Hey, go fuck yourself, Crabby.

Leon:Feeble motherfuckers don't even know they fucking feeble.

Leon:You know how many times I've had to throw my pants on real quick? And the lady's husband shows up or her boyfriend shows up, I gotta put that motherfucker on quick. I never derail. You got zipper karma.

Leon:In that bungalow I got back there, I had a lot of hit and runs. You know what I'm saying? So, if you ever wanna get in an accident, that could be, uh, T-boned, sideswiped, head on, or rear ended. You feel me?

Leon:Like a mortician. Like you 'bout to bury a motherfucker.

Leon:And if Chunhua's gon' be there, then maybe Bruce Springsteen would like a hand job.

Leon:I don't know what that shit gonna do to my dick.

Leon:Like whooping cough, scurvy. You know what I mean? Rickets and shit like that.

Leon:You can't hit it and quit it with your wife.

Leon:I was in a three-way, shit got messy, and I got 'We Too-ed.'

Leon:Know what's even better? Fucking in mud.

Larry · Leon:I'm not really interested in your opinion. I don't consider you a person.

Leon · Larry:Why would I draw attention when I got my own fucking phone on? His phone's on? Check it out.

Leon:You never told me it was a show about weekly ass. Jerry just constantly got ass every week. This ain't a fucking TV show. This is more of a fuck documentary.

Leon:You need extra dicks. Like you got your own dick, but then you gotta have a backup dick. A dick should be interchangeable. Yeah. Like a pair of glasses.

Leon:Oh, I'mma take my other dick out my back pocket.

Larry · Leon:We're trying to get in! She's speeding up! We wanna get off the highway! Are you kidding me? What is with this woman? Won't let us in!

Leon:Not captain, but I did call a motherfucker chief, and then realized he was a real Indian and shit.

Leon:Larry, you fucked! Shut the fuck up. This motherfucker's good.

Leon:This goddamn Kramer, man, he's too much, man. Walk into your fucking house unannounced and shit. You might as well take off the fucking door and put a fucking saloon door on that bitch.

Leon:He'll come in the courtroom in a wheelchair. And he rolls in there slow and fucking shaking and shit. Everybody's like, 'Oh, my God. That poor man.' The judge is touched. The bailiff is touched. Sketch artist is fucking bawling so bad that the sketch is blurry.

Leon:Have you ever had sex with a woman in a wheelchair? 'Cause I have. Have you ever tapped some ass on crutches? You ever crutch fuck? That's like fucking an animal 'cause the crutches are an extra set of legs.

Leon · Jeff:So... my question is, where the fuck are the tapes at? Tapes? Larr-- The tapes. Larry won't give that shit up. The tapes. What tapes? The fuck tapes.

Larry · Leon:Yeah. Yeah. But they're on laser disc. Oh! Do you have a player? Fuck me, man. Yeah, sorry. No way to convert that shit to something else? Yeah. No. That's a shame. It's 13 unbelievable hours.

Leon · Larry:All I got left is the fucking finale. Wow. Although, I heard some terrible things about it. I heard you fucked it up.

Cheryl · Larry · Leon:Well, I need it to read. I need-- Why don't you use the overhead light? Just let her keep the shade up. I'm trying to watch a movie, all I see is glare. It's like I'm watching a fucking radio right now.

Leon · Larry · Jeff:Go fuck yourself, Larr. We'll take a vote. Go back to fucking jail, Larry. I vote with them. It's not your window.