Elizabeth Margaret And Larry

Larry:The toes rank second on the body only to the testicles in terms of how repulsive they are.

Cheryl:She calls me Queen Elizabeth. She calls herself Princess Margaret...

Larry:Oh, you better believe it. I feel comfortable.

Jeff · Larry:Is that a character? Yeah. Kramer. Oh. Oh, I feel comfortable. Okay. Oh, you better believe it.

Larry:People seem to think that if they use the word 'appreciate,' all of a sudden, the seas part for them.

Larry:Oh, hey, I'm so sorry that I... I robbed your house and burned it down. I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't tell the cops.

Jon:This is exactly what I'm talking about. This is perfect.

Larry · Jon:Ho-bo-bo. Ho-ho-ho-ho. Why are you... Why are you doing this?

Asian diner · Larry:Why would you think we're the experts? Chinese.

Larry:I mean, if there was a table of fat people, and a table of skinny people, I'd ask the fat people what they were getting.

Larry · Jon:What? This is gold.

Larry · Jon:Schmo-hawk. Yeah, schmo-hawk. I thought I heard that. Yeah. But I wasn't sure I heard it right.

Larry · newsstand worker:You don't go. The whole shift, you don't go? I can't go. I have to watch.

Larry:Get your papers here. Papers! Magazines. Newspapers!

Larry · customer:Sorry, no browsing. The rule here is, you buy, then browse. I browse to buy. I know, but that's... I'm sorry. That's, that's just not gonna work.

Jeff · Larry:What's the name of the movie? The Biggest Asshole That Ever Roamed the Earth? Oh, I like that.

Jeff · Larry:I really would appreciate it. See? See what I'm saying with the 'appreciate'?

Jon · Larry:I'm finally starting to get it. I see what you're saying. Yes. Huh? You see it? What are you talking about?

newsstand worker:That piss was worth $10, easy. A $10 piss.

Leon:And know how many times I forgot I peed in that Gatorade bottle and drank that shit? Once.

Leon:This could be the pee Amazon. You know? This, this is big.

Leon · Larry:This could be the pee Amazon. Poober! Gotta Go.

Leon · Larry:Poober. Poober! Meh. It's too close to Uber. Meh.

Leon · Larry:'Gotta Go.' Like that. That's catchy as hell.

Becky:Little Miss Perfect. Yeah. It made me feel better about myself.

Larry · Becky:Who drinks in the daytime? People who go to brunch.

Becky:Please don't do this to me, okay? Please don't do this. This is my house. It's all I have left. Oh, my God. Please don't do this to me. I, I lost my job. And my boyfriend broke up with me. He was from Poland, and it turns out all he wanted was a visa.

Larry · Ted:I think I always had a secret little crush on her. Me too. Yeah.

Larry · Ted:I love daytime sex. You're filled with energy. Yes! I mean, nighttime, you're so close to going to bed. Filled! Right! Why are you doing that before you go to bed?

Susie · Larry:Did you have sex with my sister Becky? Who said that? Becky! What did she say? She said, 'Guess who I fucked?'

Susie · Larry:That's, that's like prostitution. It was consensual sex between two adults! There's nothing wrong with that, as far as I know!

Susie:You marched over there, you got a fuckin' blow job, and then you gave the house away.

Susie:So, the character is a disgusting pervert? That's good.

Larry · Cheryl · Susie:Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. Ted and Larry, it's just like you and your sister. It's the same thing. It's nowhere close. It is not close. It is close! She slept with my friend, Ted Danson. Okay? Okay. That's fine. But I can't sleep with her sister?

Susie:Because Ted is like a sister to Larry. Yeah!

Cheryl · Larry:Oh, and you think you're Prince Philip? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Oh, my God. Prince Philip would put a fucking gun to his head before he had you representing him.

Jon:Again, real quick, are we talking about The Crown now? How good is that show?

Larry:What are you, Shari Lewis? Where's Lamb Chop? In your pants?

Ted:I said you had a bleeding rectum, and that you were worried and scared, and you needed to talk to me alone, and you'd be embarrassed if she heard it.

Larry:Are you out of your fucking mind? You couldn't think of a better excuse than that?

Larry:Nobody respects a person with a bleeding rectum. You think Lincoln could have prosecuted a war if people knew he had a bleeding rectum?

Larry · Ted · Jon:We each get a third. Who makes up that fuckin' rule? It's an unwritten rule. Oh, my God. There's two Larry Davids.

Jon:There's two Larry Davids. Holy shit. Pretty good. Pretty, pretty good.

Larry:No.

Larry · Leon:We did it. We did it!

Cheryl · Larry:You didn't expect an airport drop-off, did you? Nope. Nobody expects an airport drop-off anymore.

Cheryl · Larry:I'll text you when I land. Eh, not necessary. I didn't really want to. Yeah. It's like an extra, unnecessary step.

Leon:Is he wearin' a pad? Is he, is he a little boy, a little Dutch boy with his finger in his ass, with wooden shoes on, with socks to his knee, little shorts on, little vest, little top hat on, with his finger in your damn rectum?

Leon:My man, you gotta go! Ha-ha! Look at this shit, Larry. Woo! Did I tell ya? Huh? I told ya!

shoe shiner · Larry:It's a fuckin' spit shine. Stop! Stop spitting on my shoe. I'm not, I'm not paying for this. Your tips are appreciated. Give me a fuckin' break. I'm not giving you a cent. Fuck it, then. I don't give a fuck. I don't work here.

Larry · Michelle:Wh-what's with the, uh, wooden chair here? Oh, you know, I'm so sorry. I-I... This set only comes with seven chairs. Seven chairs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How unusual. I was with her. I never heard of that before.

Jon · Michelle:He's a sitcom writer. Of course. Uh, but the whole... Very successful. The whole thing is, it turns out that the thing he's most known for, his big sitcom that he created, he stole it from an Australian sitcom. What? The guy's a total fraud. He stole the idea.

Larry · Jon:I didn't steal anything. No, in the movie, not you. It sort of implies that... Yeah! ...their show is stolen. Yes!

Michelle:If he bleeds in my new chair, you're in big fuckin' trouble.

Jon:He stole it from an Australian sitcom. The guy's a total fraud. He stole the idea.

Ted · Larry:Hey, hey, hey. Guess what I found? I found a chair! Oh! Yes! Hey! What a miracle. It was in the garage. How come you didn't tell me? I didn't know it was a chair. It was all wrapped up. It was wrapped up in plastic. I thought it was, uh, my dead grandmother's ghost.

Larry · Asian guests:You guys, do you pick up the rice bowl and eat it like this? Or do you start on the table, and then pick it up, pick the rice up? You pick up the bowl first. Oh, you pick it right... eat it right out of the bowl. Yeah, eat right out of the bowl. It's just like eating it over the garbage can.

Larry · Michelle:A Lazy Susan is like a roundabout, okay? I'm sorry, I don't think you're right. Okay, can I... I don't think you know how a roundabout works. It's first come, first serve. That's a roundabout.

Michelle:Can I ask you both a favor? Can you please not use that term 'Lazy Susan'? It's got racist and sexist connotations, and I'd really prefer you just not call it that.

Larry:Who's that racist towards? Susans? That's crazy. Where'd you get that?

Larry · Ted · Jon:We should definitely start using the Ambitious Susan. Yes, yes. Please spin the Indefatigable Susan. Oh, can we have the Multifaceted Susan my way, please. Yeah, spin the Industrious Susan. Ooh, can you spin Ambidextrous Susan, please.

everyone · Larry:Whoa! Whoa! Oh, man. Oh, boy. What did you do? What? I, I didn't... What did you do?

Michelle · Larry · Jon:I don't give a shit! I want you out! You're kicking me out? Yeah. And you, Larry David Junior, you can go, too.

Michelle:I want you out! Yeah. And you, Larry David Junior, you can go, too.

Becky:Larry. Oh, thank God you answered. I just got in a huge accident on Mount... It was a ski school of children. They just flew right in front of me. Ow!

Becky · Larry:You really are a prince. Don't worry. I'm calling my travel agent right now.

travel agent · Larry:It's a coach seat. Oh, it's a middle seat. Shall I book it? Any other flights going to Denver? Okay. Give me the next first-class flight to Denver.

Larry · Jeff:Once you're in sweats, you can't get out? Newton's Law of Sweats? It's Jeff Greene's Law of Day Over.

Larry · Jeff:Listen, I'd really appreciate it. I'm in my sweats!

Larry · customer:Hey, no browsing. Hey, do you carry Vegan Living? Who gives a shit? Get the hell out of here.

Larry · Jon:Really appreciate this. Hey, no prob... Ah? Ah? I get it.

Larry:If I saw a man wearing a yarmulke, standing next to a woman wearing a kerchief and carrying a mahjong set, I would think they were a couple.

Black man · Larry:Eh, there's a lot of black people in Denver. Yeah. Tell 'em we said hi.

Larry · TSA:Are you kidding me? Oh, they couldn't be a couple. Oh, it's crazy. It has nothing to do with that, sir. Oh, it has nothing to do with that?

Jon · Cheryl:So you are Larry's ex-wife. Wow. Yeah. I know. I find that fascinating. Do you? Oh, my gosh. Spending the last few days with him? I gotta know everything.

Larry · Jeff:Who the hell picks up cheese in the middle of the street? I don't want to litter so I picked up the cheese and I put it in the garbage can. No. You were gonna pick up the cheese, and put it on your pizza and eat it. Bullshit. I was not. I was gonna throw it in the garbage.

Jeff:Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What? Oh, my... Larry! Larry!

Jon · Mocha Joe:I mean, I'm just saying, like, there's kind of a specific quality that a scone has that's sort of dry and crumbly. This is sweet. It's a little more like a muffin than a scone. What you are describing is a stale scone. That's a, that's fresh one.

Jon · Mocha Joe:This coffee's... it's not hot. It's plenty hot. No, it's, it's plenty not. It's, it is, it is at best luke. Oh, God. I don't know what to tell you. This is not, this is not a hot cup of coffee.

Jon:Would I be able to do this? Would I be able to do this if this was a hot cup of coffee? Oh. Oh. Okay. Doesn't even hurt. Doesn't even hurt.

Cheryl · Jon:Jon Hamm... ...you have turned into Larry. What... I'm done. I can't do this. Cheryl... God. Cheryl! Come on. Nope.

Larry · Becky:Did you? Yes, I did. 'Cause it's, uh, been a little over 24 hours since I called you and you were gonna hop on the next flight. So I just, I've been a little confused.

Becky · Larry:Are you talking about first class seats? Uh... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah? I broke my leg! I called you scared. And hurt. Yeah. I know. I'm not worth two hours in a coach seat?

Becky · Larry:Are you talking about first class seats? Yeah. Yeah. I broke my leg!

Larry · Becky:I have a bleeding rectum. They're okay with you bleeding out of your rectum in first class? It's a more comfortable place to bleed.

Larry:The color of a car doesn't really matter to me, because I don't really see it when I'm inside the car. It's like being inside your face. I don't know what my face looks like.

Leon · Larry:Something wrong with a person supporting black and shit? Black licorice, black jellybeans... You feel me? No, I feel you.