Beep Panic

Larry:This is a defecation-free store. That's the kind of feature you dream about. No defecating! Urinators... welcome. But if you are a defecator, or planning on defecating anytime soon, don't come down here.

Larry:(sign shatters)

Unknown patron:Larry, that is the most amazing urinary experience I've ever had in my life.

Larry · Leon:Bean-meister.

Mocha Joe:I'm banned. And my mother. Do you believe it? Who's a saint, by the way.

Larry · Ted:In case there's any handshaking to be done, I know I'm safe. Have a little squirt.

Ted · Larry:I'm going out with Cheryl tonight. Thought you might want to know.

Mocha Joe:Son of a bitch! He's got the beans.

Ted Danson:Whoa, whoa. Get your own.

Larry:I had, like, this total beep panic. 'Cause you just want to get away from, from the other person. It's humiliating.

Freddy · Larry:Maybe the car goes through the light and hits a stroller. Who's responsible? So I killed a baby? All because you were texting. And now you killed a child.

Freddy:Or you can go this way. This baby was the Hitler of the future.

Larry:Listen to me. I love the imagination, but it was a real story with real people. It didn't need sci-fi.

Larry:Even though the baby's dead, I still wanna eat.

Jeff:They feel that unless they can play a mentally challenged person... that they're not, uh, worthy as an actor.

Diane:I have diarrhea, so... I'm gonna come right back in a little bit and check on you, okay?

Diane:I have diarrhea, so... I'm gonna come right back in a little bit and check on you, okay?

Larry:Having or had?

Larry:I pretend there's something wrong with my car, and then I grab a ton of it.

Larry · Salesman:The air comes out and makes a bit of a whistling sound. (whistling) The car is whistling.

Salesman:I will find out where the licorice comes from. And hopefully we will figure out what the problem is with your car, too.

Mocha Joe · Employee:You can't-- $1.30 a cup? We're not gonna make any money doing that. Put in some coat racks! No way! It's Southern California! One coat rack! We don't need a coat rack!

Ted:Hey, you remember me? Ted Danson? Cheers? Becker? Cheers? Any-- You remember me?

Ted:they're DVDs of all the latest movies the Academy gives us so we can vote. The thing is, though, you gotta give 'em back to me, 'cause they're all watermarked or something. I could get into trouble.

Ted:From here? No, I'm good.

Jeff:♪ Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah ♪ (enthusiastic singing and dancing)

Susie · Jeff:What the fuck are you so happy about right now? Nothing. Bags back in the car. I'm not going.

Mocha Joe:Hold on a second. I gotta make a call. Be quiet. I gotta call Larry David.

Jeff:I was too happy at the airport drop-off. I was, uh, bouncy. I was dancing.

Larry:Of course you're happy. Every husband is thrilled... to drop their wife off at the airport. But you gotta contain it, and you celebrate in the car on the way home!

Diane:(descending whistle) (plops)

Larry:Top five most revolting thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

Mr. Takahashi:You unzip again, two weeks, no golf.

Mr. Takahashi:Everyone knows about diarrhea.

Diane:Well, he fired me, so...

Diane · Larry:You would eat my sweat if I dripped sweat in your soup? I don't know, but to be polite, it's like, I don't know.

Diane:Maybe that's why you don't have a girlfriend or a wife.

Larry:No one's down with diarrhea, Diane!

Diane:Sometimes I like a black, and then I'll go weeks with only wanting red. And then I switch back to black.

Larry:She knows all about cars. She gets Motor Trend magazine. She reads all that stuff.

Salesman:Look, you don't fool me, Mr. David. You're not here to buy a car.

Larry:I am here to buy a new car. Which one? That one! Yeah. That one!

Diane:A lot of the douchebags at the club have it. No offense.

Larry:Take it! Take the car. I gave you a car! What's wrong with me?

Larry:I gave you a car! What's wrong with me?

Larry:I looked at you, you were texting. Somebody beeped you, you had beep panic, you threw the phone away. Look, there's your phone right in the front seat.

Diane:What do you mean it's your car? You just give away cars and take 'em back? Oprah doesn't just give out cars and then take them back.

Leon:When you tell a motherfucker that story, you should say, 'Lo and behold.' When a motherfucker says, 'Lo and behold,' it makes me fuckin' react.

Leon:That big motherfucker's the glue.

Leon:Black licorice, black jelly beans, fuckin' blackouts, burnt toast. I don't give a fuck, I eat burnt toast. I take that piece of burnt-ass toast, put it between two pieces of fuckin' pumpernickel, have a burnt-toast pumpernickel sandwich.

Larry · Leon · Mocha Joe:(stomach rumbling) (Leon chuckles) (stomach gurgling) Aah! (yells) Oh! (Larry groaning loudly)

Larry · Leon:(Larry and Leon both experiencing stomach distress simultaneously)

Leon:That's negotiating? On what planet is that negotiating? I do it with my mattress guys. I have 'em out there pounding cotton.

Leon:I do it with my mattress guys. I have 'em out there pounding cotton. And, uh, family throws out a quote they don't like, I tell 'em to just get out of there, walk away.

Richard Lewis:I'm gonna get that operation. You know why? 'Cause I'm smart. I'm smarter than that mouse, that stupid mouse.

Richard Lewis:Why are you laughing? It's not hilarious. I'm a-- It's dramatic.

Larry:It's like being inside your face. I don't know what my face looks like.

Larry · Susie:I don't see the hood. By the way, I don't believe you.

Larry · Wheelchair man:I see what happened. You were on your cell phone, and somebody yelled, 'Next,' and you panicked, right? Yes. I had 'next panic,' okay?

Mocha Joe:I had too much licorice from Bavaria, and it gave me diarrhea, and when I was in the bathroom, he took the screeners!

Richard Lewis:(Richard Lewis experiencing stomach distress during his big dramatic scene)