Freddy Funkhouser

Freddy · Larry:You created a real problem with Uncle Moke with the Internet porn. - It's all day. It's a problem. It's all he does. And he is paying. He's doing the chat rooms now.

Freddy:I feel like I'm with Howard Hughes right before the nails go big.

Larry · Freddy:Let 'em go home. / Then you lose customers. / Who cares? I'd rather have a no-coffee buyer than a defecator.

Freddy:It's like a Pilates class, though. Is it hard?

Freddy · Larry:My legs are killing me. / I gotta get up.

Freddy:Marconi used to go mountain climbing naked.

Freddy · Larry:Maybe the car goes through the light and hits a stroller. Who's responsible? So I killed a baby? All because you were texting. And now you killed a child.

Freddy:Or you can go this way. This baby was the Hitler of the future.

Freddy · Heidi:Did you drop the Pirate Booty or did you not? No, but who would tell you something so insane?

Freddy · Larry:Freddy burning himself and Larry's response: 'Oh, Jesus. I just burned the shit out of my hand.' 'What? Oh, jeez.' 'Because I just found something pretty hot.'

Larry · Freddy:The shirt stain revelation and Larry's description: 'Looks like you were a part of a home birth or something.'

Larry · Freddy:Larry's revelation: 'I didn't know soap stains.' Freddy: 'Soap stains.' Larry: 'Who makes a cleaning product that stains? That's like a Band-Aid that cuts!'

Larry · Freddy:The question of lending favorite items: 'Why would you loan me your favorite shirt?' 'Because I'm a friend, and you were uncomfortable going on the date.' 'Still, you don't give out your favorite shirt. Everybody knows that.'

Freddy · Larry:Freddy's biblical justice demand: 'I think the thing that would... Would mean something to me would be you actually... giving me your favorite shirt.' Larry: 'That's really biblical, real eye-for-eye stuff.'

Larry · Freddy:Larry's refusal and Freddy's counter: 'You're not getting my blue and gray two-tone, okay? You don't give up a two-tone. That's my favorite shirt.'

Freddy:Freddy's funeral speech calling out Larry: 'Larry David, uh, couldn't make it here today. He got stuck in traffic, and he turned around and went home.'

Freddy:The shirt metaphor in the eulogy: 'Saul was the kind of guy that would give you the shirt off his back, even if it was his favorite one... And if he was the one to stain that shirt? Guess what. He would've given you his favorite shirt back.'

Freddy:He would've given you his favorite shirt back.

Freddy:Freddy's matter-of-fact announcement about having sex with neighbor's wife

Freddy:Blanks. Shooting blanks.

Freddy:'When the shit gets lit up, there's no goddamn rules.'

Freddy:'We do it at my house on the Funk-O-Matic. We're biting butts. We're biting the ears.'

Freddy:Tinkerbell flies her little ass in there. She put her little booty out, with that little booty tooch. And bling!

Freddy:I'll put her in my motherfucking pocket. You hear me? And I'll just walk around knowing she home.

Freddy:At least that motherfucker can't drown.

Freddy:Where did you find her? Point to the planet. There's no more. There's no more of 'em.

Freddy:Oh, boy.

Larry · Freddy:I'm so superficial, I'd probably break up. - You would? Right away? - Yeah. I'm not gonna date Minnie Mouse.

Freddy:Oh, yeah, I'm gonna listen to the notes from Minnie Mouse!

Freddy:It's the 'I like it' gambit. All you gotta do is compliment people on what the fuck they're wearing, next thing you know, they gonna give you one.

Larry · Freddy:Tell me you got something good. - Oh, I got the goods. Got something that's gonna get us out of this mess that we're both in.

Freddy:It's called, uh, Groat's disease. I have Groat's disease. It affects the nervous system and eventually I become incontinent, and you can't even sit.

Freddy · Irma:Freddy's fake Groat's disease performance with graphic symptoms

Freddy · Irma:And you'll have to hold my penis when I pee. - Ay, gevalt.

Freddy · Irma:You like it? Listen. Please, take it. Please, it's the least I can do. - Oh, please, no. - No, please. It's the least... - What? Really?

Freddy:Yeah! Gone!

Freddy:You took something elegant, something classy and sophisticated like my flask, and you shoved it up my ass, and you reamed me with it.

Freddy · Larry:My humor's way too sophisticated for a child!... Nobody's said a decent word about me my entire life! I don't even say decent words about me!

Freddy:I'm gonna roll over and do some fucking myself. That guy thinks I'm an alcoholic!

Freddy:Not in a bad way, but they connect. They sit and laugh, and, you know, it's a little push, a little pull, and... Not in a bad way, but they connect.