Insufficient Praise

Larry · Leon:I don't have polio, asshole. - Every kid with those kind of gloves had polio.

Larry · Leon:Poo-poo-be-doop? - If I lived in the fuckin' '40s... I'd know I'm tappin' that ass.

Leon:Fuckin' in black and white.

Leon:That's like Mary Ann from fuckin' Gilligan's Island.

Leon:The new ones, they got one that's sensitive around the fuckin' neck. You could put hickeys on that motherfucker if you wanted to, man.

Larry · Contractor:The pee cube. You pee into the cube, and there's a chute that goes down. Maybe we can get a... create a vacuum or something, sucking the urine down the chute.

Larry · Contractor:There's no defecation in the building. - Could you do that? - I could put a sensor on there that detects a penis.

Contractor:Doot-doot-doot. 'Penis detected.' Woot. The door will open up, and then once the man is done, doot-doot-doot. Woot. Slide down.

Ted Danson · Larry:You think you're up for this fight, General Lee? - Well, I do declare. As I recall, General Lee was a loser.

Larry:Oh, hey, Clive. This is, uh, Larry David, a good friend of Jeff. Uh, I saw the show last night. I really enjoyed it. Uh, good job.

Susie · Matilda:Jesus fucking Christ, you're amazing! - You're gonna clean my makeup brushes. - Oh, my God. You're a fucking saint!

Susie · Larry:But keep Leon away from her, please. - That I can't guarantee.

Larry · Freddy Funkhouser:You think I'm gonna fuck that doll? - Yeah, yeah. Have you ever played around with 'em? - No! - You cuddle it, whatever your journey is.

Larry · Freddy Funkhouser:Maybe you should try necrophilia. - If I want to fuck a dead woman, I'll fuck the doll. Okay? And that way, I don't have to fuck a dead woman.

Larry · Uncle Moke:All the free porn on the Internet. Why stick with magazines? It's on the Internet? Yeah. Do you have a computer? My kids bought me a computer, but I don't use it.

Larry · Uncle Moke:All the free porn on the Internet. Why stick with magazines? - It's on the Internet? - Yeah. Do you have a computer? - Yeah. My kids bought me a computer, but I don't use it.

Carol's friend:He thinks people are aware that he dresses in black. He thinks he's like Johnny Cash.

Patron · Larry · Another Patron:You're outvoted. - Yeah, I, I, I know, but she's cold, and it's worse to be cold, than hot. - No, it's actually worse to be hot than cold.

Larry:We're not snowmen. We need some heat.

Patron · Carol:Here. Have her wear that. - Oh, that's funny, asshole.

Carol:I saw the lights of the train, and I... I heard the... the honk of the train, and my mom, she... she jumped onto the tracks, just really quickly, just to grab the stole, because... it meant so much to her.

Lewis · Larry · Jeff:She's a professional crier. - What? A what? - She's a professional crier. She's hired to cry at weddings, and funerals, or sometimes TV shows.

Lewis · Larry · Jeff:She wanted Chinese, I wanted Italian. - So she wept openly and... - Oh. Yeah, and you went down... And you had Chinese food.

Larry · Jeff:She fucking conned me out of that mink stole. This is incredible! - I don't have to buy your defense on this. - You saw it! You witnessed it. She's a con crier.

Larry:She fucking conned me out of that mink stole. This is incredible! She's a con crier.

Larry · Matilda:They're like, uh, big teddy bears. Yeah. - You collect big plastic dolls? - Yes, yes. I do. They, um... They normally come with clothes.

Larry:Like the American Girl! Right, right. Yeah, they have a nurse's outfit, they have a flight attendant, a cheerleader. They even have, um, a, a maid!

Matilda:Her mouth. She's like 'F' this, 'F' that. She's so vulgar. Like, F-bomb for everything.

Larry · Leon:Oh, Sherry? You gave it a name? - Yeah, I mean, I got her out of the box. Give her a little air and shit. - You didn't try and get a little friendly with her, did you?

Larry · Leon:I wouldn't put it past you, let's just say that. - I had a lady give me a wedgie with my own goddamn johnson.

Leon:Be cool, Sherry.

Susie:You breached. You made a solemn promise, a vow, and you fucking breached, asshole.

Larry · Jeff:I can put my hands in boiling, scalding water, and I don't feel anything. I don't need gloves! - Let me see those hands. - You've never washed a dish in your life.

Jeff · Larry:Clive seems to think it was insufficient praise. - What? Insufficient praise? - Yeah. You weren't enthusiastic.

Clive · Larry:Hi. This is Larry David. I just want to say I really enjoyed the show. Good job.' - Yeah. Like I said, I'm not, I'm not good with... If it was in person, I would have been much more effusive.

Larry:A house divided against itself cannot stand.

Larry:Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm-mmm! Oh, my God. Oh. This is unbelievable! This Metzler's? Best, the best. You see that? That is genuine praise.

Larry:That's for sandwiches, a well-struck iron, a good golf shot.

Larry · Clive · Larry:One wonders why somebody would do it. - Is he for real? - No, I'm just saying. It seems... a little crazy.

Mailman · Ted Danson:He's fucking a doll. - What? - I delivered a blow-up fuck doll to his house. How could you possibly know that? - The package said, 'Do not puncture. Discreet delivery.' Mailmen know.

Cheryl:Your ex-husband, he's fucking... a sex doll, just so you know. He's basically sticking his penis in a balloon.

Larry:Did I give that stole to... real Carol? Or did I give it to, you know, the professional crier?

Larry:Who knows what else you've cried your way into. The couch, the coffee table, the painting. Maybe the house.

Freddy · Larry:You created a real problem with Uncle Moke with the Internet porn. - It's all day. It's a problem. It's all he does. And he is paying. He's doing the chat rooms now.

Leon:Any motherfucker that come up to that shit, with a little-ass penis, of course it works for them. But you got a big-ass johnson, you gotta stand a little further back, see, so your johnson don't overshoot and hit the back of that motherfucker.

Larry:Hire her for opening night. Let her sit in the audience, she'll sob away. Once she starts sobbing, everyone else will start sobbing. Sobs are contagious.

Larry · Jeff:Ah. There. She's gonna start. - Look out. It's really catching on now.

Larry:The more I watched you, the more I'm convinced that what you did at the table at lunch that day was total bullshit. Your mother didn't fall into the subway tracks. That's a cock-and-bull story if I ever heard one.

Police Officer · Larry · Carol:Crying? - No, that's crying. That's not crying. - No, she's not! - I'm crying! I'm crying, Larry! - I paid her to cry like this!

Larry · Leon:You said you were going to deflate it. - You know what? I didn't get around to it. I'll... Slipped my mind. - You're fuckin' her, aren't you? - I'm not gonna sit here and let you do this shit to me right now.

Larry:Be good, Sherry.

Matilda · Larry:Asco! - No. No. Basta! - Eres un pervertido. - No, no, no! I quit! You're worse than Miss Susie!

Clive:Clive Owen's portrayal of Thor Heyerdahl is as nuanced, varied, and moving as the ocean he traversed.

Clive · Carol:When you were crying in the play, was that, was that a job or was that real? - No. No, it was real. I mean, it was 10% more, because that's what I'm paid, but I would have cried...

Carol · Clive:It was 10% more, because that's what I'm paid, but I would have cried... Did somebody pay you? It was... Did Jeff pay you?

Leon · Larry:People hate surprise parties. - No, no, no, no. - That's fun? That's fun? - Yes.