Youre Not Going To Get Me To Say Anythin

Larry:I didn't know a spite store was gonna be this much work.

Leon:When you're home, making love to your fuckin' lady, you're on top of her, and you... and you pumpin' her, you say, 'I'm comin', I'm comin', I'm comin',' you don't get the fuck up and go in the kitchen and make a goddamn ham sandwich, do you?

Leon:You need a motherfucker like me around here.

Leon:Don't serve those, those dry-ass scones. Those shits make my throat hurt.

Larry:Apparently, there was some lack of oxygen to the brain, and... legally speaking, she's now non compos mentis.

Larry:So that scone got you out of a lot of trouble. Eh, I like 'em. They're good. I'm gonna keep 'em.

Leon:Hey, fuck you, Vanilla Joe. Kiss my ass.

Mocha Joe:You don't have the beans.

Leon:He's fuckin' right. You got to have the fuckin' beans to have the best coffee.

Larry · Jeff:So you go for the napkin on the lap immediately. Have you ever caught anything on that napkin? No.

Larry:By the way, the dignity that you lose by tucking it in, I'd rather get new shirts and new ties.

Larry · Jeff:Who tucks in? Al Capone, you know. Yeah, no one's gonna question him.

Jeff:Look, you're just not gonna get me to say anything bad about Mickey.

Larry · Leon:You're not invited to the wedding. Nah, fuck the wedding. I'm going with you. Tagging along with you.

Leon:Consider me your luggage. Bring me on the fuckin' plane, put a seatbelt around me, and I won't say shit.

Larry:By the way, luggage doesn't eat. Or talk. Or chip in.

Larry:Would you mind throwing out my gum? It's all wrapped up in paper. It's like throwing out paper.

Larry:Pocket? You know what happens? You forget, then it goes in the wash and it ruins the pants.

Larry:Give me one reason why you wouldn't do it. You don't have one.

Larry:People always have a great time in sushi bars 'cause they don't have to look at each other.

Larry:What could be worse than having to sit across the table... staring at somebody?

Donna:Usually, that's like, a fifth, sixth, seventh date kind of thing.

Larry · Donna:You would sleep on the couch. So... Oh, would I?

Larry:I mean, if you like sunsets.

Larry:That's you? Really? What did you have... Some, uh, was it some kind of medical thing?

Larry:It's like, if you saw a picture of me with hair a year ago, and then you met me and I was bald, you'd be disturbed, too.

Donna:What is better than dessert? Oh, my God.

Larry:I looked at that picture, I almost fainted. It's like she ate herself.

Leon:You know what the fuck that means? She's a fuckin' yo-yo. All signs point to her yo-ing up.

Larry:I got to ask her her weight now? No way I'm asking her her weight. Impossible.

Leon:If that pilot needs my weight to fly that plane safely, he need another fuckin' plane.

Larry · Leon:Suppose I took your tray like this. What are you gonna do then? You fucked up now!

Leon:Now I got to eat my shit with a spoon.

Larry:You don't invite a divorced couple to a wedding. It's a very combustible situation.

Larry:People resent you if you don't chip in. There's the resentment, right there.

Cheryl:One date? And you're bringing her on a trip? When you're complaining that divorced couples shouldn't come when you're bringing a virtual stranger?

Jeff:You know who else doesn't know how much I weigh? My doctor.

Jeff:I'd rather be dead in the Sea of Cortez than have you know what I weigh.

Larry · Jeff:No, the captain's for a boat. He's the pilot. Well, he is a pilot... But he wants to be referred to as the captain.

Jeff · Larry:Call me Goat Williker. Fine, Goat Williker. The pilot wants your weight.

Susie:The Willikers do not give their weight.

Captain:Nothing's wrong with the plane. We're just... heavy.

Larry:'Cause I asked you for your weights, you wouldn't tell me, so I had to guess your weights. And now, now we're over.

Leon:No. No fucking two out of three. You don't get a second chance, Larry. It's not the damn playoffs.

Larry:And I don't know why you assholes couldn't give me your weight!

Jeff:You've only been here five minutes.

Larry:I'm still undecided myself.

Larry:You figured one of us wouldn't come is what you figured. Right?

Larry:What you just witnessed was a whirlwind of smarm.

Larry · Jeff:All right, maybe I am trying to get you to say something bad about Mickey. Well, I am not going to say anything bad about Mickey.

Larry:Hey, you know, I would unpack my bag, but I don't have one.

Larry · Donna:I said 122. Oh. That was the exact right answer.

Larry:I want to make a good first-breath impression.

Jeff · Larry:Why the snarky attitude toward a fellow Jew? She's Jewish? Yeah. Bat mitzvahed? Big bat mitzvah.

Susie:Get the fuck out! Go back to your little fucking hovel, with your unbrushed teeth!

Leon:I told 'em I was handicapped. If they ask too many questions, then I throw a limp on their ass.

Leon:Do you think the maid is gonna charge me for the massage she gave me? 'Cause she didn't mention it.

Mickey · Sasha:We do have an extra toothbrush. I can't believe it. That's so great! I'm sorry, I misspoke. It's for us.

Larry:Mine's a fluke. It's a fluke emergency! A toothbrush emergency, it's one in a million!

Sasha:And you know why I know that? Because I have a goddamn extra toothbrush.

Larry:Same mouth, the mouth is the same. Look at the esteem that I hold your mouth in.

Larry:I had a 48-year toothbrushing streak. I couldn't let it fall by the wayside.

Larry · Donna:I used my finger. This does not smell like a minty finger.

Larry:This is not like five M&M's. This is like a cudgel, this thing.

Larry:You're punishing me for being honest. I didn't have to tell you.

Larry:Always a gamble. There's always a possibility of mold. You got to really inspect 'em. You need like a jeweler's loupe.

Larry:I don't bite 'em. Do you bite a raspberry? Sometimes it gets stuck in your teeth. What do you do then?

Larry:I'm sure you don't want to be considered a... schnorrer.

Donna:Yeah, my understanding was this was couples, babe. And we're a couple, Larry.

Jeff:I'm not gonna say anything bad about Mickey. I'll tell you that much.

Susie:I always carry an extra dress in case there's a dress emergency. It's gonna look gorgeous on you.

Leon:I don't give my weight, or my fuckin' height. That's called a goddamn description of a motherfucker.

Larry · Leon:This is better than Mocha Joe's. Mocha Joe can't fuck with this right here.

Larry:My poor sister is... she's quite ill. She only has a few months to live. And the only pleasure in life that she gets at all is from her morning coffee.

Larry:Well, she had, uh, Bell's palsy, and then it turned into... Rosenbaum's palsy, which is quite lethal.

Larry:All she can do, really, is lift the cup up to her lips and swallow. Literally that is all she can do.

Carnival Worker · Jeff:163 pounds, señor. Si? Yes! Right on the head! You nailed it!

Carnival Worker:I would guess the lady weighs 155 pounds, señor.

Larry:Why, you charlatan! You quack! You have besmirched this woman's honor.

Larry:Ernesto, you stink! Thank you very much. You did a fantastic job. I've got five people coming later. I want you to guess their weights, too.

Larry:Ernesto. They're here.

Larry:You've been sleeping with Cheryl. You've been doing it for a while, too. Haven't you?

Larry:This is why you don't invite divorced couples to a wedding, Mickey.

Mickey:Larry, nobody likes you.

Larry:I have the weights! Because the carnival barker, the best weight-guesser in all of Mexico gave me this.

Jeff:That's diabolical, Lar.

Captain:No, it's not the passengers. It's the cargo. bags of beans. They're all gonna have to go.