The Surprise Party

Larry · Jane:So you're Mocha Joe's mom. / Yeah, yeah. My name's Jane. / Mocha Jane.

Jane · Larry:You're Latte Larry! / Oh, I should have known. / We're gonna take you down, Latte Larry.

Larry:We shall see, Mocha Jane. We shall see.

Larry:I wanted to see, uh, the Colosseum before the gladiators started fighting.

Larry:Who's coming in? Howie Mandel and his family every day?

Freddy:I feel like I'm with Howard Hughes right before the nails go big.

Larry · Freddy:Let 'em go home. / Then you lose customers. / Who cares? I'd rather have a no-coffee buyer than a defecator.

Larry:They have pee envy, actually.

Freddy:It's like a Pilates class, though. Is it hard?

Freddy · Larry:My legs are killing me. / I gotta get up.

Freddy:Marconi used to go mountain climbing naked.

Larry · Susie:People hate surprise parties. / You, maybe. Everybody I know loves a surprise party. / No. Everybody.

Larry · Susie:The guy's got a heart condition. / Surprises are dangerous! / He'll be happy? He'll be dead.

Larry · Receptionist:Andrew 'Rusty' Holzer? / Rusty, in quotes? / He put a nickname on the card? Why's he doing that?

Larry:I guess you gotta be a little careful of the food you bring in because sometimes it has an odor, and it... it smells up the office. You know, like on a plane. You bring food on a plane?

Larry · Receptionist:Oh, I know that face. That's, 'Oh, you're coming onto me.' / I'm not coming onto you. I'm not hitting on you. Everything's not a hit.

Larry · Rusty:Who gives themselves a nickname? / Most people are given nicknames for some personality quirk or trait. If you ate a lot of peaches one day, when you were a kid and, and you threw up, maybe you'd be called 'Peaches' for the rest of your life.

Larry · Rusty:Where, where'd you come up with 'Rusty'? / I feel like a Rusty. / Good enough.

Larry · Rusty:Chris Martin's gonna, he's gonna sing. / Chris Martin? / Wow. / You like Coldplay? / Cold... Oh, I love... I mean that, that's big. / They're great. Yeah. / That's a lot of pressure.

Larry:I calculated your speed, my speed, the distance, my average urination time, and according to my calculations, I would have had to wait three to four minutes, whereas you only had to wait 12 to 15 seconds.

Larry · Wally:You should have given me one of these. / You know? / No, you've gotta wait. / You're blocking traffic. You're in the slow car. You've gotta let the fast cars through.

Larry:I think you have bad walker etiquette. You're a hallway hog.

Larry · Wally:I've dated two women in, in wheelchairs. / Whoa. Two? / Yeah. / My disabled bona fides are well-established. / She caught me cheating with the other... with the other disabled woman.

Susie:He is so transparent. He's trying to finagle an invitation to the party. / We had two dinners with him and his wife. Aggressively boring, fuckin' brutal.

Larry · Susie:You're trying to kill him. / Trying to kill who? / Jeff. You want to give him a heart attack, and you want him to die at that party. That's your plan, isn't it?

Susie:You ruin this surprise party, I'm gonna fuck you up.

Boris:It's as if coffee is dictating to us when it must be consumed. I'm not okay with that.

Larry · Boris:You named your dog... Adolf? / I named him after my grandfather, my opa. He kind of looks like him. He's got a handsome face, but you can tell... he's stern.

Larry · Dog:Heil Hitler! / Hey! Good boy. Yeah. Good boy.

Boris:When I trained him, I would put a treat out with my arm up, like that. Heel.

Larry · Leon:He's a white supremacist. He named his dog Adolf. / He named his dog after his grandfather. / Hey, if my grandfather was named Pol Pot, I wouldn't name my dog Pol Pot.

Larry:He's part of a tornado-chasing troop called Stormfront.

Leon · Larry:No black man would ever chase a fuckin' tornado. / Yeah, that, that's so true. / That shit is dumb as fuck.

Leon:Pussy tea. Huh? / All the taste of pussy, without the commitment. / Like, put that shit in a tea bag.

Larry · Leon:I feel like Susie wants to give this guy a heart attack with all these people yelling, 'Surprise.' She wants to kill him. / You're saying the point of the surprise party is to kill him?

Leon:I was watching Columbo one night, at three in the morning. This motherfucker had me convinced I did the shit.

Leon · Larry:If you tell him... She'll kill me. / But then, if you don't tell him... He could have a heart attack and die. / So what are you gonna do? / Oh, I'm not gonna tell him. / Then you'll have to live with that. / Eh.

Larry · Receptionist:I'm just between appointments. I needed somewhere to wait, and this is a waiting room. / You're just using this waiting room... To wait. / That's not done.

Larry:You go in a restaurant, you see nobody in there, you don't think it's any good. When you see people there, you think it's good. Same thing with the doctor's office.

Larry:You're living in this paranoid world of hitting and stalking, and... 'Everybody wants me.' There's a certain kind of conceit attached to this.

Larry · Rusty:You call Jeff, you ask him out for dinner, at Scopa, on the 20th. / But you never got the text. / No, I'd get the text. / No. You never got the text.

Larry · Rusty:Stop being such a wuss. / I don't know... / Rusty! / I'll do it. / Proud of you.

Dr. Holzer · Larry:Susie scares me. / Yeah, she scares everybody, but you-you can't let her run your life. / She's very scary. I'm scared of Susie.

Larry:I'd kill for an amputee friend.

Larry · Wally:I don't even know how you ever got a license. / Oh, it was pretty easy. I mean, I studied up for it. And I went to the DMV, and I signed up, went home, waited for my appointment... / I don't need all the details of that particular day in your life.

Larry · Wally:You just said you would spare me the details, but you're not sparing. / I'm skipping over a lot of stuff.

Wally · Larry:You can park anywhere with one of these. / Oh. Love to have one of those.

Susie:'Cause it fucking sucks here right now. Look at this... weather, this rain, it's so oppressive. / Bahamas! Here I come, baby! I've been waiting so long for this. I can't wait to get the fuck out of here.

Larry · Wally:Jeff hates the Caribbean. / Soon. / There you go.

Wally · Larry:The number is G921... / Yeah, you don't have to read the number. I see it. / But if they ask you. / If they ask me, yeah, I'll read it out there. Yeah.

Leon:Hit the fuckin' lottery. The fuckin' handicapped lottery, Larry. / The sky's the motherfuckin' limit.

Leon · Larry · Jane:Is that a hobbit? / No way! / Aah, to hell with you.

Leon:You know what? I just might take a lead pipe to your leg so we can get one of these all the time.

Leon · Larry:Heil Hitler! / Yes, that's a good boy. / Who's a good Adolf? Ooh!

Boris · Larry:Adolf! / Was this important?

Larry · Wally:The dog ate it. / What dog? / Adolf? / So this is the best excuse you can come up with? / That's what Adolf wanted to eat is... plastic? / Well, he wanted to eat the Star of David, which was right in front of the placard.

Larry:Well, he wanted to eat the Star of David, which was right in front of the placard. The placard was collateral damage.

Larry · Wally:Why are you going in a circle? You could have just walked backwards. / Easier to go down stairs this way.

Jeff:When have I ever said that about Susie?

Larry · Wally:Because he has a heart condition. And this could be a matter of life and death. / Why can't I just call him? / Because he has no cell phone. He lost it.

Wally · Larry:I don't know if I have the right clothes for it. Should I wear a, a jack...? / It doesn't matter. You're not going to the party. You're just waiting outside and telling him about it.

Officer · Wally:Hey, you can't park here. It's handicapped. / Sir, I have a walker. I can park here. / Where's your placard? / I usually have one. It's just, a friend of mine borrowed it, and... / No, no, no. If you don't have one now, you can't park here.

Parking Attendant · Wally:Hey, you can't park here. It's handicapped. / Sir, I have a walker. I can park here. / Where's your placard? / I usually have one. It's just, a friend of mine borrowed it, and... / No, no, no. If you don't have one now, you can't park here. Come on. Now. Let's go.

Larry · Chris Martin:I'll probably leave before you get on. / I mean, people pay a lot of money to see us. / Yeah, I know. I don't like to stay around too long for stuff like that.

Larry · Chris Martin:Why would you want to shower with another person? The scents, and the aromas, and the... / Must be hard to get temperature consensus in a shower.

Larry · Chris Martin:You sing in the shower? / If I have company, I'll sing in the shower, yeah. / Why would you want to shower with another person?

Chris Martin:You don't, with respect, look like a Rusty.

Wally · Party crowd:Oh! Uh, uh... uh, sir! Uh, Jeff? Don't go in there! Uh, don't... Wait. Don't go in there. It's a... It's a... / Surprise!

Party Guests · Jeff · Larry:Surprise! / Wow. / What? / Too bad.

Susie · Rusty · Jeff · Larry:We left you a message. / I didn't get the message. / You're a liar! / Oh, no. I... Ow. Ow. / You are a liar! / You're a liar. / Ow. Ow. Oh... / You're a liar! / Oh! Oh! / Heart attack! / My heart. / Rusty! Rusty!

Larry · Jeff · Jeff:Heart attack! / My heart. / Rusty!

Larry · Leon:I really like those on the coffin. / I'mma take a quick pic. / No, Larry.

Funeral director · Larry:You wanna work here part-time? / I do. / Ho-ho, well, most of the people who come in here are gonna be vile, vulgar, the dregs of society.

Susie:How did I wind up here?! / Oh, my God!