The Dream Scheme

Larry:Why the fuck'd she call me?

Larry · Jeff:What am I doing on that list of middle-of-the-night calls? I don't understand it. Better you than me. That's insane.

Larry · Jeff:Now I'm on a text chain with his wife and the family... Those chains. I've been on 'em. They're the worst thing ever.

Larry:You gotta heart that. Just heart it.

Larry:Martha's beef stew is absolute perfection and really heals all wounds... It's really, honestly, like, the lowest form of human communication.

Larry:She's painting me as part of a series of old Jewish comedians called Wisenheimers.

Larry · Jeff:Maybe he should've gone to Atlanta and given some water to someone in the voting line, maybe. Huh? Perhaps he should've given some water.

Larry:Because it's last minute, middle fucking seats.

Unknown golfer:Just a little swing juice... I go with iced tea and a little bit of just vodka.

Larry · Unknown golfer:You look like a derelict with that thing. You mean a gentleman. Here's looking up your address.

Larry:You have this dream, okay? And it's like a nightmare about the plane... It's a dream scheme.

Larry:Middle seat! Can't breathe. Oh, they're squeezing me! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

Renee · Larry:It's Picasso-esque. You know, a little asymmetrical... Asymmetrical?

Larry:The grimace looked like we were enjoying it?

Manager:It's halfway gone. You guys ate a lot of pie... went past the threshold of return ability.

Larry:You have to take a large bite. How else do you confirm? You can't confirm on a small bite. You don't get enough taste.

Larry:She's an artist. She's a libertine. We're going back to my house. We're gonna have sex. We're gonna forget about this horrible experience.

Larry:Yeah, go get Chef. You think I'm afraid of Chef?... Oh. Oh, I'm so scared of Chef.

Manager · Larry:You're gonna regret this choice. I'm the nice one of the two of us... Let's get the fuck out of here.

Larry · Renee:What the hell? Larry, who the fuck is that? It's the housekeeper! Why didn't she knock? She's not supposed to be here! It's her day off!

Larry:It's not like you don't have one of your own. It's...

Larry:I know what you saw, and, uh... You know, I don't know the nature of your experiences, but, uh, a lot of women seem to find pleasure in that.

Larry:I didn't wanna do it. I... She asked me. Oh, she practically begged me... What am I supposed to do? I didn't wanna be rude. You know, I'm a gentleman. It's a chivalrous thing to do.

Larry:You know, it's like a gentleman holds the door open for women, a gentleman puts the toilet seat down, and a gentleman, eh...

Larry · Leon:Dahlia walked in on us when I was downtown... Downtown is fucking dangerous, you understand? You more of an uptown person.

Leon:Downtown is fucking dangerous, you understand? You more of an uptown person.

Leon:I can fuck around and do a TED Talk to that shit. I'll have a pussy TED Talk. Get all the guys in one room, get a little microphone, get a little laser pointer and shit. Like, 'This is a pussy. See?'

Leon · Larry:All the eromenous zones... Erogenous. Eronenous zones. Erogenous. Erotenous. Erogenous zones.

Jeff:Claustrophobic. The middle seat. No room. No room! Ah! I can't breathe. Middle seat! Can't breathe!

Susie:If you're so worked up about this that you're having nightmares, it's a sign you should not come.

Larry · Gina:She brought it over just so you'd eat it and get fat? Here's the thing. Stu ate the entire tub himself.

Larry:Everybody has an Achilles' heel. An entire tub sounds like an Achilles' foot.

Larry:Me, keep an eye on your 11-year-old daughter? You gotta be kidding. I don't know anything about children.

Larry:Anybody in the world. Go out in the stre... A homeless person would do a better job than me.

Larry:I don't like children. I've never spoken to a child without contempt in my voice in my life!

Gina:Olivia this week said she's now identifying as a cat, and I'm sure you could really help her with that, Larry.

Larry:Well... Like what? Buy her a litter box? I mean, what am I supposed to do?

Larry:Freddy Funkhouser gets to sell a violin, and I get to take care of Catwoman?

Larry:Hello, pussycat.

Larry · Olivia:Yeah, but there's something on the string. Hey! What are you doing? What was that? What'd you do that for? 'Cause cats like string.

Larry:You can't wear a sweatshirt without the string. You ruined my sweatshirt, Mittens.

Leon:You cut the bottom of that bitch open and put the shit inside then reseal the bottom.

Leon:You gotta moisten that motherfucker. Yeah. Like trying to thread a needle. Yeah, yeah, lick that shit good. You gotta get that bitch in that hole.

Larry:I like it from the top. Rolls out a lot easier... it's almost as if you're un-wiping your ass.

Leon · Larry:Getting caught eating pussy is not a basis... So, you fucked.

Larry reading text chain:Remember, after the rain comes the rainbow. Be the reason someone smiles today.

Susie:Oy. That farbissina punim.

Susie · Larry:She wants you to be fat? Yes, she does. So I retaliated... Because she's jealous that I'm thinner than her and I have more style than her.

Susie:Because he's a fucking pig. It's not my problem.

Susie:He had a dream last night, Larry. A nightmare about the trip... I believe in respecting the unconscious.

Larry:Look at you. What a man will do for attention, huh?

Larry:She invited me to lunch, and, uh, I paid, which is a little odd because she invited me. I'm the invitee. She's the inviter. Usually, the inviter pays.

Larry:She pulled the string on my sweatshirt, and it was all I could do to restrain myself from yelling, 'You fuck!' That's what I wanted to say to your daughter.

Larry:Freddy Funkhouser, who loves prepubescent girls. And I mean that in a good way. He's very excited to be around them. And, of course, again, I mean that in a good way.

Larry:Will you look at the tuchus on this one? Hey, you know what? Is she coming in here? She giving you sponge baths, this one? Huh?

Stu:Maybe you're right, Larr. Freddy's the right person for Olivia. And you're... you're the right person for the violin. So, yeah, yeah, you wanna flop us?

Dahlia:Because I was holding the towels when you and her were... They remind me of the trauma.

Dahlia · Larry:Well, those are my towels... Oh, so it's just my towels?

Larry:I caught my aunt giving my Uncle Moishe a blow job in the back of a Pontiac, but if they asked me to go to the movies, I just hopped in the car. Same back seat!

Larry:I did have a crush on my aunt, though, after that.

Larry:Columbus got it from the Indians, brought it back to Spain with grapefruit.

Leon:Put that motherfucker on... on the Mount Rushmore of... of pussy eaters. They all got their tongue out and shit. You know what I mean?

Freddy:You took something elegant, something classy and sophisticated like my flask, and you shoved it up my ass, and you reamed me with it.

Larry:I'd rather have roaches in my bathtub as pets than take care of a kid!

Freddy · Larry:My humor's way too sophisticated for a child!... Nobody's said a decent word about me my entire life! I don't even say decent words about me!

Freddy:I'm gonna roll over and do some fucking myself. That guy thinks I'm an alcoholic!

Freddy:Not in a bad way, but they connect. They sit and laugh, and, you know, it's a little push, a little pull, and... Not in a bad way, but they connect.

Freddy talking in sleep:You don't need to finish high school. You need to pay your dues at the mattress store in Temecula... And take off that skirt, you look like a whore.

Freddy talking in sleep:You shit in the bucket, you clean the bucket. Those are the house rules. Who cares if it's your birthday? We go to cockfights. That's what this family does.

Larry:You're using the dream scheme on the wrong guy. I invented it.

Waylan · Larry:You think you're too good for the chain? You know what? Waylan? Is that your name? I do. I think I'm too good for the chain.

Larry:Every two minutes it's, 'Ding!' I'm getting a ding. I'm getting a ding. Too many dings! And what is it? It's just these ridiculous, inspirational sentiments that amount to nothing.

Larry:There's no nightmares! It's a nightmare con! And I know, 'cause I invented it!

Gina:I don't want either one of you taking care of anything!

Leon · Larry:You would've been a hell of a father... Social workers would've descended on the house within two weeks.

Renee:Hey, listen. About the other day, I know it was really awkward, but it's not even really my thing. You know? It's Larry's thing. He really likes that.