The Gettysburg Address

Leon:These fresh meatballs in here? Gotta get that corn on the cob. On the cob, off the cob, it don't matter. Y'all ain't playing around this motherfucker, huh?

Leon · Larry:Leon's urination time-wasting theory leading to 'The Peeus' car concept

Leon:You know who's gonna be a billionaire? Motherfucker who's gonna, uh, create a car that runs on piss... The Peeus.

Leon · Larry:Leon's pre-eating preparation: undoing pants and belt buckle

Shimon:Shimon's itemized accounting: 'Five pound short rib, ten pound prawns'

Leon · Shimon:Oh, so you're the Wendy's of this motherfucker. I'm fucking Wendy. You want me to put on a little red wig and freckles?

Larry · Shimon:The escalating 'You stink!' exchange between Larry and Shimon

Shimon:Only person besides you, Gary Busey.

Leon:If this was a brothel, I'd be fucking pissed.

Ted:She loves to play golf, and I was just hoping that maybe you could sponsor her at the club... Because of that whole college admissions scandal thing, no club will touch her.

Ted · Larry:But you did the finale, right? - Yeah, Ted, I did the finale.

Susie:Catch as Caftan

Jeff · Larry:Sienna Miller - She's going out with you? - Yeah! - That gorgeous woman?

Larry · Jeff:Larry's shocked reaction: 'She's going out with you?' and 'That gorgeous woman?'

Larry:By the way, if you think you're getting any of my popcorn, you're gravely mistaken. Gravely.

Larry · Sienna:I'm like Rachel and the rug merchants... It's a famous Old Testament Jewish parable... Call yourself a Jew?

Sienna:Did she have an affair with the rug merchant? What happened with her and the rug merchant?

Sienna · Larry:Sienna's increasingly specific questions about the rug merchant story

Larry:I notice you like to eat a lot of fruit in your movies... Is that part of your process? You take a bite, you act, you take another bite, you act.

Theater Patron · Larry:Like you're giving me a lap dance, okay? - Oh, please. Everybody knows that a jacket goes on the back of the chair.

Theater Patron:I can't just go to the mall and fuck any woman I want.

Larry:Eighty-seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this property a new golf club dedicated to the proposition that men can have fun and women can't.

Larry:Larry's parody conclusion: 'this exclusive club of specific people, by specific people, and for specific people shall have a new, specific member'

Larry:And as much as that woman in Atlanta was thirsty for water, Lori Loughlin is equally thirsty for membership! I say we let her drink!

Larry:You know, people say that, and... and they don't really. They stop thanking. You'll... Probably won't thank me again after this.

Susie · Jeff:There's a dick in my mouth? - In your mouth. - With balls? - A drawing. A drawing.

Larry:You're cradling the balls.

Larry:Why can't... why can't you give a blow job every now and then? Would that kill ya?

Larry · Shimon:Larry's argument about shame: 'Why is there gonna be shame on number six?'

Shimon:Shimon's final dismissal: 'Shalom, bitch!'

Israeli Man:Rachel. She looks at the rug merchants and says, 'You're banned, bitch!' Shalom!

Israeli jogger:The jogger's version: 'Rachel... looks at the rug merchants and says, "You're banned, bitch!" Shalom!'

Lori · Larry:Lori's Epstein-Barr excuse for handicapped parking

Golf Member:Isn't that a Jew disease?

Leon:Yeah! Fuck you, Shimon! That's five pounds of short ribs and ten pounds of fuck you!

Susie · Larry:Susie's business boom revelation and Larry's 'post-penis bump' theory

Larry:You need a second dick... Dick up the ass... And how 'bout some jizz on ya?

Larry:I got you a pear.

Larry · Sienna:Larry bringing a pear to solve Sienna's acting problems

Sienna · Larry:You know what else I tried to find was the word schmeitz, which... I couldn't find that either. - Schmeitz is a real word for 'I've got to go.' 'I got to schmeitz.'

Larry · Sienna:Larry's continued insistence on the fake 'schmeitz' word meaning 'I've got to go'

Sienna:I have alopecia, you fucking asshole.

Larry:Don't schmeitz! Don't schmeitz!

Golf Starter:I can think of 50 reasons.

Larry:Yeah, you had a good lie all right.

Fan · Susie:On the count of three, turn your head to the right. One, two, three... Oh, yeah. And keep my wife's business out of your motherfucking mouth!

Chinese waiter · Larry:Coat argument continuation during Lincoln play: 'Coat long. And fish dead.'

Larry:I've been memorizing the Gettysburg Address every time I pee, and I'm conditioned to pee when I hear it... It's like a Pavlovian response.

Larry:I didn't know she had alopecia!