The Colostomy Bag

Larry:I'm on trial for the horrible crime of giving a woman who was on line to vote a bottle of water.

Mock juror:Oh! Oh, what a terrible thing. Oh, what a terrible crime. What... What... What... What... What... What... What a terrible crime to give her a bottle of water.

Larry:I was pretty damn cordial. I asked questions to people. 'Oh, does your son take piano lessons?' 'Does he practice? It's hard to get him to practice. They don't like to practice.'

Larry:You know, my father fought in World War II, Iwo Jima. He wasn't one of the ones with the flag. That's fine. Thank you. He was encouraging the flag holders. Yelled encouragement. 'Go, guys! Go! Up that hill!'

Larry:In the garage, he saw me tossing my keys to the valet. I could be perceived as a big shot. Nobody likes a big shot.

Jeff · Larry:I got a great text from Abe. Why don't we leave our professional and personal lives separate, you know? It was Zeckelman, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah, it was Zeckelman.

Larry:And we like to toss. People like to toss and catch.

Jeff:Three percent chance something'll happen to me. So... Susie has the power of attorney. She's in charge of all of it. So if something bad happens to me, I don't trust her.

Jeff:She could do it for any reason. Who knows? Uh, maybe on the way there we get into a fight, which is more than likely.

Larry:I might not even come once a week. I could just call up. I'm unconscious. What the fuck do I know?

Larry · Jeff:Find out what? Oh. Tell her, tell her, tell her. Find out... Find out that I... Was found guilty. In his mock trial.

Larry · Jeff:I like you eating a salad, Jeff. Thank you. Very nice. It's delicious and I'm enjoying it. Good. Good for you.

Larry:What kind of mutant can't catch a key?

Jeff:He lost his sense of smell during COVID, and... sometimes these old cars, they have a musty odor to 'em. He wants your nose.

Larry:My nose isn't so great. Disgusting things I can smell very well. Urine, BO, you know. Urine, I can smell from two blocks away, but you shove a flower up my nose, it does nothing for me.

Larry · Lewis:You need clearance. You need clearance before you talk to him. Otherwise, you know, my God. Could you get me clearance? I can get you Conan clearance.

Larry · Lewis:What do you mean it's not any good? A head nod, you're supposed to go like this. Huh. Huh. No, no, you didn't do that. You went like this. Like that.

Lewis · Larry:And you use your eyes too? You use your eyes, yeah. There you go. There you go. How come now you tell me?

Larry:There's a smell. It smells like tobacco. Yeah, like somebody smoked a lot of Chesterfields in this car.

Car seller:You know what I smell? I smell a scam. You come here. 'Oh, he can't smell...' 'but I'm gonna tell him, Oh, yeah, smells like cigarettes. Why don't you knock off 3,000?'

Larry:Hey, things could be worse. You could have a colostomy bag.

Larry · Lewis:Do you know if DiCarlo has a colostomy bag? What? What are you smoking? What kind of question is that?

Larry:Yeah, because I made a bad joke, and I think I... I think I struck a nerve.

Larry · Victor:I saw you look askance, though, when you saw it. Okay, I thought it was kind of a big shot move.

Victor:There are two people in the valet world, sir. Handers and tossers. And you're a tosser.

Larry:I gotta go sign some papers so I can kill my friend whenever I want to.

Larry · Jeff:Oh! You're a dead man. Pull that plug! Pull it! Pull that plug, nurse!

Larry · Jeff:Could you believe he didn't give me that pen? I was shocked. He resisted the 'I like it' gambit.

Larry:He's got a bag. He's got the bag. Unbelievable. I... I don't know. What am I gonna do now?

Larry:What can I do for this guy? Can I buy him a new bag? Like a really expensive colostomy... Like a Louis Vuitton colostomy bag? Do they sell those? Do they make those?

Susie · Larry:You're Frick and Frack, attached at the hip. Frick and Frack, the ice skating team... From the '30s. A lot of people don't know that. Swedish. I think they're Swiss.

Jeff · Susie:What, is there a difference? So, you need him? He doesn't know the difference between Sweden and Switzerland.

Larry · Susie:What are you looking for? I'm looking for the cheese. Oh, it's gone. What? I ate it. You ate the Vonderdonk? Yeah.

Susie · Larry:It was in my refrigerator, and I believe possession is nine-tenths of the law. What's the other tenth? Fucking over your friends and eating their cheese?

Larry:If I took a nap on your couch, could you go through my pockets and roll me over like a drunk?

Larry:It's nine-tenths of the fucking law!

Larry:I specifically called him up and asked if he could get me clearance. He didn't call me, so technically, this is a uncleared conversation. It's like an ambush.

Conan:'Oh, I assume this boat has plenty of life preservers for everyone. Oh, no, it's the Titanic, it doesn't.'

Conan · Larry:Sure. Yeah, I'll think about it. Ah. You're not gonna think about it. That's just something people say... When they wanna say no, and they let the person down a little easier.

Larry · Conan:But you won't spend one second thinking about it. Yeah, no. The minute I'm gone, I'll never think about it again.

Larry · Conan:Can you stereotype a dog? Yes, you can stereotype a dog. 'Oh, that's a golden. He must be a really friendly dog.' 'Oh, there's a Dalmatian. He must live in a firehouse. He goes to fires.'

Larry:I read an article about somebody approaching Fatty Arbuckle without clearance, and Fatty Arbuckle just broke a beer bottle over his head.

Conan:What, did you just come from Margaret Dumont's house?

DiCarlo · Larry:You say a lot of stupid things, Larry. Not all jokes work. Not a joke to me.

DiCarlo:Yeah, well, we all got a lot of baggage.

Leon:Look at the front. Very presidential. Look at that. Look at that grill. This is a White man car right here, I'll tell you that much. Who'd you get it from, Mr. Peanut? The motherfucker with the monocle and a top hat?

Leon:Hey, did Marilyn Monroe fuck JFK in a car like this?

Larry:The guy actually has a colostomy bag, and I felt terrible. I felt so guilty and awful, I had to buy the car.

Larry:Why didn't I get clearance for Conan? Where was my Conan clearance? You left me hanging there like an idiot.

Lewis:There's a smell clinic, but it's in Switzerland. I'm not sure if I'm gonna go.

Lewis · Larry:Did you babe me? I babed you. Don't babe me. Do not, under any circumstances, babe me ever, ever.

Victor · Larry:Toss? Yeah, come on. I don't wanna be a big shot. You're not a big shot. Come on, toss it. All right. Awesome. There we go. Fun, right? It's fun! Of course! He's a tosser.

Lawyer:Um, the word 'repugnant' keeps coming up. Here's one that says you're 'surly,' 'petty.'

Lawyer:First of all, this isn't 12 Angry Men. There's one angry man. He's sitting across from me.

Jeff · Larry:Hey. Yeah? Catch. Ziggy Zeckelman! Not too late!

Victor:Hey, you tossed, you lost, buddy.

Larry · Conan:If I don't get to Jeff's house, she's gonna see those papers, and she's gonna kill us. You don't know what this woman's capable of. All right, I don't know who these people are. I'll get you the keys.

Larry · Conan:Can't I get an emergency clearance exemption? There's no such thing! You can... You can make... You gotta go through the levels!

Larry · Conan:You got something on your glasses. Oh. Oh, thank you! That's so nice of you. Thank you. They're in my pocket. Ah! My eye! Why'd you toss? Who told you to toss?

Larry:He acted like he had a bag. How does somebody act like they have a colostomy bag? He had this hangdog 'I shit in a bag' look about him, and he took me to the cleaners.

Lewis · Larry:What, am I supposed to just give up and crawl under a rock? Yes! Give up. There's no hope.

Lewis's date · Lewis:What? Oh, God! It fucking stinks in here. What are you talking about? Hey, where you going? Oh! Hey, what's wrong? Oh, man! Hey! Come on back!