The Accidental Text On Purpose

Larry:I got caught up watching this movie in the hotel, "Arabesque," with Sophia Loren and Gregory Peck.

Larry · Gate Agent:You're not golden-ruling it. You're not doing unto others as you would have others do unto you. / Unfortunately, the golden rule is not a federal regulation. / Golden rule trumps everything. Golden rule's on top, federal law is second.

Larry:A Wetzel's Pretzels. I can't wait to chomp into one of those Wetzel's Pretzels.

Larry:I don't care. That doesn't mean anything. This is filled up. I'm using this. I don't know what to tell you, buddy. It's the Wild West, okay, so.

Larry · Flight Attendant:Could you give me, like, a personal upgrade, and I can upgrade you, and... / Sir. / No? Okay.

Larry · Passenger:I have a medical condition where I have to... my bladder's really overactive. I have a bladder condition, and I have to get up a lot. Is there any way I could sit in the aisle and you would want to switch to the middle? / I can't switch seats with you. I mean, I got the... I can't sit in the middle. It's claustro... claustrophobic in there. / I'll die in the middle.

Larry · Passenger:You are such a gentleman. Thank you so much. / You're welcome. / Heh-hey, my lucky day. / Yeah, mine, too.

Larry · Nathan:Hey, they're asking for a doctor. / Mm-mmm. / Huh? You're not gonna heed the call? / Give it a minute. He's gonna be fine. How do you know? You don't even know what he has. You ever been part of an emergency landing? Is that what you want, Larry? To spend the night in Lubbock, Texas, at a Days Inn with a $15 voucher from Cinnabon?

Nathan · Larry:By the way, that's the first time that you got up the entire trip. That was a total bullshit story about the bladder. / I have a medical condition. / Medical. You got a medical condition. She's got a medical condition. One day, you're... you're gonna really have to go to the bathroom, and no one's gonna let you.

Leon:Fuck, no. I wouldn't do that shit. You know what, that's not gonna make me wash a car. If anything, I'm not gonna wash it. Just to annoy this guy. I assume it's a guy. A woman wouldn't do something like that. Ladies don't do that kind of shit. Ladies bust windows out and slash tires and key your car and shit.

Leon · Larry:You like that? See the comma after "no"? / No! / That's good grammar. / You wash me! You wash me! / Yeah. / Yeah. / I like that shit.

Leon · Larry:Is that one of those "Star Trek" movies? / No, no. It's an old movie with Sophia Loren. She's gorgeous. / Is she naked in the movie? / No, it was... it was from the '60s. Nobody... nobody got naked in the '60s. / She's gotta be naked in something. / Well, if you come across anything, let me know. / You know I'ma look.

Larry · Marty · Jeff:You, Manson, Ramirez, and Hitler. That's a good foursome. / If they play fast. / If they play fast. / I'd rather play with a fast Manson than a slow Funkhouser, I'll tell you that. Any day of the week.

Larry:See you off? You're not going to India. You're going to San Francisco! It's an hour away. / So what? / See you off? You'll be back that night.

Susie · Larry · Marty · Jeff:Maybe if you would've seen Cheryl off a few more times, you'd still be together. / I don't think so. / He wants to, trust me. / No, trust me, he doesn't. / Jeff, do you want to? / No. / Well, you're going to.

Larry:The complexities of who you are? Who are you? You're a Jew from the Bronx!

Larry · Marty:You ever called her honey before? / I doubt it. No. / How many dates have you been on? / Two. / Pssh! You just gave a premature honey.

Larry:Honey's way down the line. You gotta spend a weekend together or something in the country before you can jump to honey. I know what you're trying to do, you're trying to jump ahead with the relationship. But it doesn't work. You got caught.

Larry · Marty:Why do I have to clink? / Because it's a custom that people do, which is friendly and nice. / It's a stupid custom. What does it mean, the clinking?

Larry:You know, you pick up a knife like this, a steak knife, you get the urge... I do... that I wanna... I wanna stab... I wanna stab with it. Yeah, 'cause you pick up a baseball bat, you wanna swing it. You pick up a tennis ball, you wanna throw it. When you have a... a knife, you wanna stab, do you not?

Larry · Marilyn:Know what they should have? What's that? A stabbing range. Get out of here. Yeah, a stabbing range where you can stab... stab dummies. You'd feel good. You'd feel good. Where would the stabbing range be? In the Valley.

Larry · Marilyn:No filter. / Huh, interesting. Surprised you don't have a filter. You have no filter. / Huh, that's... yeah. / Isn't it obvious? That's true. You just say whatever comes into your mind. You don't really modulate your inner feelings at all, do you? It's a good thing for me, but it's a bad thing for water.

Larry:Goldfish would commit suicide in this water.

Marty · Larry:You're like Fred MacMurray in "The Caine Mutiny" when he and Van Johnson go to see the admiral, then Fred MacMurray gets cold feet and he backs out. / That's a movie, this is real life. In real life, you're polite to your hostess.

Marilyn · Larry:I want you to go. / I'm getting kicked out? / Yeah, I think... / You're kicking me out? / Yeah, I think you should leave. / This is unbelievable. Okay. Well, it was fun. We... we really... / It was not fun. / No, it wasn't. I leave my knife and I bid you adieu.

Kids:Hey, bald fuck! / Bald fuck! / Blow me, blow me! / You wash it! You wash it! / Blow me, bald fuck!

Larry · Marty:You saw... you saw a wife there and you seized on it with a honey, right? That's what you did. / It was a seize. / You seized. / I did seize. / You did seize.

Larry · Marty:What ever comes good after "we need to talk"? Nothing. You ever hear this? "We need to talk. I'm taking you to Cancun." No, that's not happening. Is that gonna happen? No. No. That's not gonna happen.

Larry · Marty:When she comes in, you start calling everybody honey. I do what? Call everybody honey... the waitresses, the manager, customers, everyone. Why? Because... 'cause you're a guy who just uses the word honey a lot. You mean it's part of my working vocabulary? Yes! Yes!

Larry:That means that she's just part of the honey parade.

Marty · Various:Honey, do you mind if I grab a chair? Thank you, honey. / Oh, no, I don't... um, thanks. / Excuse me, honey. Can I get... / A black coffee, honey. / Oh, honey, right here. / Oh, thank you so much. Honey, can you bring a turkey burger and some fries? / Thanks, honey. Hey, hon! / You know, honey, can we get an extra napkin? / Hey, could I get some coffee, honey? / Honey? Honey? / Thank you, honey. / Could we get the check, honey? / Thank you, honey.

Larry · Jeff:Accidental text on purpose. / Please explain. / You're sending a text to me, but it goes to her "by accident." And in the text, you say, "Hey, LD, I'd love to go to the game, but I'm taking Susie to the airport. I don't wanna disappoint her. We're getting along so great."

Jeff:You, sir, are an amazing man. I am texting Susie right now.

Larry:You send me a text, but you accidentally send it to her on purpose. And in the text, you say something like, "Hey, Larry, you were an asshole the other night. There's nothing wrong with her water. It's perfectly okay."

Larry:I invented this. I invented this.

Marty:She texted me right back. "I love you. I know this is not meant for me. What a great man to stick up for me like that."

Larry:Oh, so when you're losing money, you heed the call, is that it? You know what that is? Selective heeding, that's what that is!

Larry · Rhonda:It's just perfume. ... out of nowhere, right in my face, spritzing me. They're the worst. Come on, what is that? What a violation. You know what, they'll usually go away, though, if you just wave them away. Did you wave her away? Sort of, yeah.

Larry · Marty:Of course I did. What do you mean of course you did? I got attacked and I pushed. You don't push a spritzer lady! You're out of your fucking mind! It's a violation! You don't just go up to people and spritz them in the face like that.

Marty · Larry:It's either Larry David or Marilyn. She gave you an ultimatum? An ultimatum. Who'd you pick? I took Marilyn. I would've made the same decision. Let's face it, at this point in our lives, it's... it's not so easy to find people to have sex with us.

Leon:Hey, vagina always wins. I lost a brother to a vagina.

Larry · Marty:When women give me an ultimatum, "Who are you gonna choose, me or your friend?" I say, "I'm gonna choose my friend." That's it. / Why do you have to do this? You dumped me. You chose somebody over me.

Rhonda · Larry:Oh! Oh, I'm... no! Oh! No! That's not from you. That... that's from Sophia Loren. / Why was it in my face? / Because it was an accident! It was an accidental erection.

Rhonda · Larry:No, an accident is tripping on a step, and then also the Titanic going down. / Yeah, but just the way the Titanic went down, this thing went up. It's the same... it's the same thing. They're both accidents. / So, you're saying your penis is like the Titanic? / In a manner of speaking, yes. I think they're... they're comparable.

Larry · Rhonda:You know, I gotta say, the waist is a little big. / Get out. / I'll wear them with a belt. I'll put a belt on.

Larry:Ignore him? That's a 14-foot-long cock.

Larry · Richard · Rhonda:Oh, dear. Premature girlfriend. Oh, no, I know... no, no, no. Listen, Richard, you know what, I think we're just looking for other things right now. / I call everybody girlfriend. It's a thing of mine. Hi, girlfriend. Girlfriend, hi. / Honey! Honey, come on.

Marilyn · Susie:What... what is an accidental text on purpose? / You send somebody a text, pretending it to be to somebody else so they think they're reading a private text. But, really, what they're trying to do is give you the information that they want to manipulate you with. It's bullshit.

Larry:I can't stand your water. I can't... I don't even know what to say. It's like I took a straw and put it in a frog's ass. It makes me sick! I wanna barf every time I get near it. I can't stand the smell, I can't stand the color, and I cannot stand the taste. I can't take it anymore!

Nathan · Larry:This is a comedy emergency. I'm off duty. / Why won't you help me? / You didn't heed the call on the plane. You welched on a $200 bet. You sent me an accidental text on purpose. I invented the accidental text, okay?

Larry:You're a psychopath who uses a weak bladder to take advantage of people.

Dave:I look at a dirty car, Larry, and I feel sorry for it. It's almost like it's screaming out, "Wash me! Wash me." / Good to see you, Larry.