Never Wait For Seconds

Larry:Come on. I can't look at that. Take it away.

Larry · Unknown couple:Two people aren't allowed to be happy? Well, you're allowed to be happy, but not in front of me, so let's move it down.

Cesar:Oh, it means... it means a lot to me, Mr. Larry, but I cannot take this. I... I just don't feel comfortable. This is what I do, sir.

Larry:Oh, Cesar, this is... this is unprecedented! This is rarer than a man turning down sex, what you've just done.

Larry · Cesar:I've never turned down sex in my life. Me neither.

Eddie · Larry:Where's the butter? It's right there, quite visible. I can't see the butter. Do it again.

Eddie · Bridget · Larry:Are you two having sex? That's Mommy's business. It's not really your business, but to tell you the truth, it's imminent, okay?

Bridget:I wanted to ask you a question. Please say no if this is at all inappropriate, but Susie happened to mention this very same school, Pemberton Academy, where I'm trying to get him in.

Larry · Bridget:Boarding school? How far away is it? It's about an hour and a half. Look, if I can send him an hour and a half away, I'm... more than happy to.

Larry · Bridget:By the way, when I say couple, I'm not referring to us as a couple. Yeah, excuse me. What are you... hold on. No, no, I'm not going there. We're... I... you have not bought me the same glasses. We don't have it like that just yet, my friend.

Larry · Bridget:Has he been diagnosed by a doctor, or is this your opinion? He's on the spectrum. Yeah. How do you know? You can see in his behavior and what people have said, and, you know... he's, you know... he's been diagnosed on the... on the spectrum.

Larry:Larry's uncomfortable silence and scene cut after learning about the Asperger's diagnosis

Larry · Cesar:You flipped it! You flipped the tip! I promised Little Cesar.

Larry · Waiter:No, no. We... no, we don't want that. We want some tap water. You don't want sparkling? No, get that out of here. Tap. Well, it's unfiltered. Better. Water is water. We're not water snobs.

Larry · Man · Crowd:Are you getting seconds? Yes, sir. The man is getting seconds. It doesn't matter. But that's not a rule. The man has already waited on this line.

Larry:But to make him wait another 10 minutes for a few measly potatoes? Shame on you! Shame on all of you! That's not how we do things here in America. We don't wait for seconds! Never, never wait for seconds!

Larry · Marilyn:Boy, oh, boy. Ha, that's a lot of ketchup there. I like ketchup. Yeah, uh, it seems a little excessive, no?

Larry · Marilyn:I mean, you use too much ketchup, you know what happens? They... they convert to packs, to the little packets. Is there a ketchup shortage? Like, 'Oh, we're gonna run out of ketchup.'

Marilyn:As a matter of fact, I think I need more ketchup. Watch me!

Larry · Funkhouser:It's a 'go home' stain, you know what I mean? It was the fork. I think it was the ketchup. Let's not argue over this.

Ayatollah:I was sitting there having my brunch, and I saw you. And I was thinking, as a devout Muslim, I should kill this man. Fatwa. And then you defended me. I thought to myself... I cannot kill this man. This man doesn't deserve to die.

Larry · Bridget:Are you saying that, uh... gratitude sex is in the offing? If you're okay with gratitude sex, I mean...

Larry:You know what, I've never had gratitude sex, mainly because I've never done anything that someone could be grateful for. But people tell me that gratitude sex is the ultimate.

Eddie:I've never seen an old man in sneakers before. That's so stupid.

Larry:All right, you little prick, okay? I got some gratitude sex coming to me, and you're not gonna ruin it. You got it? Now get under those covers. You're gonna go to sleep, and I'm gonna have sex with your mother.

Larry · Funkhouser:You're looking at a man with an 'A' on his shirt... for 'apology.' Is that so? Yes. I'm sorry for the other day.

Larry · Funkhouser:I'm sorry for leaving early. I don't mind you leaving early, but I think the proper apology would be to say, 'I'm sorry. Here's $250 for the champagne.' That's a cash apology.

Larry · Funkhouser:My apology is from the heart. That's something that means something. Why do you come to the office to apologize without offering the money? Because I felt bad! If you feel bad, you offer the money!

Larry · Cesar:You flipped it! You flipped the tip! I promised Little Cesar. All right. This is the last one. Okay? This is it. And next time I give you a tip, you take it, okay?

Larry · Cesar:You can't swim there. They're racist. They're not gonna let you in there. Why are you a member of a racist club? They're all racists. That's the way they operate.

Larry · Cesar:Hey, do me a favor. Yes, sir. No diving, and try to stay in the shallow end, okay?

Unknown witness:He grazed the ship. Grazed, but not fatal. No. Then Larry was right.

Investigator · Woman:But wasn't the real issue the... big vagina? Yes. It's big. Big enough to steal a Mickey Mantle autographed baseball?

Leon:He took a word in one of my rhymes and changed that shit. And it opened up lyrically for me. It was amazing, man. He also saved me from a marriage to a lesbian. So, yeah... that motherfucker's my Caucasian.

Investigator · Mr. Fox:Mr. Fox... did you clomp on purpose? A little bit. And did you embellish the shaking of the soda? Yeah.

Investigator · Larry:May I offer you some refreshment? No, thank you. I pass, sir. Pussy.

Larry:I just feel like I'm ignoring you all the way on that side. I should be here because sometimes women, they're a little, uh, ultra-sensitive about being ignored at these meetings. 'Oh, oh, you don't talk to the woman,' you know.

Larry:Girlfriend... I don't know, but she does have tampons in my house.

Larry:You go away for a weekend with your friends on a trip to Vegas, you come back, she says, 'Did you had fun?' You got to lie, say, 'No, no, I didn't have fun. No, no, it wasn't fun at all. Worst trip I ever made in my life.'

Larry:I can't sleep with the same bed with anybody. It's, ugh, a horrible night's sleep. You can't... you... I'm off in a corner like this. You know, 'cause I don't want another body touching mine when I'm trying to fall asleep.

Larry:I see it going, hopefully, one day, to the point where I'll let her sleep in the guestroom. I'm... I'm shooting for that.

Larry:Well, I can... I can give you nine months. Um, that's... Well, no, I can give you... I can give you nine months. Nine happy months. Then I can give you years and years of... of being miserable. But we'll be together!

Larry:Unless she gets sick or something, in which case I'll... I'll leave her quickly. You could understand that. I'm not gonna visit people in the hospital. I'm... I'm not crazy, you know.

Bridget · Larry:What's the condition? Befouled. Little Cesar befouled the pool?

Larry · Bridget:I don't know, 'cause Little Cesar wanted to use a pool! I couldn't... I couldn't refuse Little Cesar. Why do they have to use a pool at all? Cesar flipped the tip on me and, you know, he wouldn't take the tip, so I was obligated to!

Bridget · Larry:We just had a 'go home' argument, and I have to go. Oh, no, no, no. Don't do that! No, don't do that! I just feel so upset. I'm not gonna be able to rally for today.

Ayatollah:When the American blood sugar gets low, they turn into animals. It's very intimidating. True. I have seen it. Not this man.

Ayatollah · Larry:I can say without reservation that he will rescind the fatwa. You are free to go. Thank you, 'Moofti'! 'Muff-ti'! Thank you all, moo-mooftis and muff-tis. Is it 'muff-ti' or 'moofti'?

Ayatollah:If you can get Lin-Manuel Miranda, you know, from 'Hamilton'... Yes! I love 'Hamilton'! If you can get Lin-Manuel Miranda to star, you can proceed with the musical.

Larry · Ayatollah:What are you doing with the ketchup? You used up all the ketchup! I like ketchup. Show some restraint. This is why I have been advocating for packets, but no one will listen!

Driver · Larry:I don't want it! I can't take that from you, sir! I will not take this tip, okay? Take the money! You ain't gonna flip a tip on me!