The Safe House

Larry · Margaret · Saundra:I just want to get some chubby hubby. Sir, could you please give us a moment?

Margaret:Don't pay attention to that jerk.

Unknown friend:Richard is dating a burlesque dancer. I don't like to sound like a pig, but she has magnificent breasts. She's dumb.

Lewis:I was on the phone with an ex-girlfriend who was suicidal, so I couldn't exactly hang up to say I want to go to a salad bar.

Lewis · Larry:A lot of people call me who are suicidal. I don't think you'd be my suicide call.

Larry:So you'd be calling the guy who caused you to-- Okay.

Lewis · Larry:Hey, if it wasn't for fucking burlesque, we wouldn't have Chaplin or the Marx brothers. Oh, Chaplin was a great pole dancer.

Larry:Have you set a date aside when you're going to finally look at her face?

Lewis · Larry:She gives to charity. Milk? She gives milk?

Lewis · Larry:Dance for underprivileged kids. Charity! Gives to charity?

Larry · Various strangers:Computer watching chain of responsibility

Larry · Saundra:No bag? Where's your bag? Because the dog without the bag-- It's incomplete. It's a marriage. The bag and the dog, they go together.

Larry:I'm yelling for society, for everybody.

Leon:It's like jell-o pudding inside of those motherfuckers. The fuckin' titties are talking right now. Those titties are a blabbermouth.

Leon:Those titties are a blabbermouth, you know what I'm talking about? They're fuckin' just yippity-yapping right now.

Leon:Those titties are a blabbermouth, you know what I'm talking about? They're fuckin' just yippity-yapping right now.

Stella · Lewis · Larry:I thought you said he was old. You don't seem that old. You called me old? You're two days older than I am.

Larry · Lewis:You're a dissipated alcoholic. How dare you? Recovering alcoholic.

Larry · Stella:I saw the movie 'Gypsy' with Natalie Wood. Oh, then you should be a Professor at Ohio state and teach this.

Stella · Larry:Did you like the air fucking number I did? The air fucking was sensational.

Larry · Lewis:I did notice in the show that there's a small mole on the underside of your right breast that you might want to get checked out. How did you see a small mole from where you were sitting?

Larry · Lewis:I have breast vision and that's how I'm able to-- You have breast vision?

Larry:I could be a burlesque dermatologist.

Larry · Computer owner:I gave it to some black guy. You gave it to some black guy. You gave it to a black guy?! What I was about to say was why wouldn't you give it to a black person?

Leon:You trusted that black motherfucker. I could've stole this motherfucker... Plenty of times, but I didn't. I know the code to the fuckin' house and shit. 3948, right? The last four of your social security card number is 4938.

Leon:Your signature-- Come on. It's a big L. It's real clear, right? Then the 'arry David' is sloppy. Any man can do that shit. Your mom's maiden name-- Ratner.

Margaret · Larry:Some people call them battered women. I choose not to use that phrase. Oh, they're battered. I think it's very pejorative.

Margaret · Larry:So it would be so great to have a safe man in their midst that could give them a male perspective that they could feel good about hearing. So I would be representing men.

Larry · Margaret:Maybe I could drum up a date over there, huh? Oh, now Larry, let's remember boundaries.

Larry:I don't know where you were living before, but I would think this probably would be a step up. You hit the jackpot with this place, huh?

Larry:My father would call this crap. That's a lot of crap.

Saundra · Larry:I was just going to say th your anger is your problem and it's not my problem anymore. Huh, interesting.

Saundra · Larry:Do you want to apologize to my dog? Because you really yelled at my dog. Yeah, it's very hard to apologize to a dog because they're a stupid animal.

Larry:Yeah, it's very hard to apologize to a dog because they're a stupid animal.

Larry:I would go maybe to the-- Where the Japanese food is. The hoisin sauce I don't think is a big-- It's not like buying ice cream.

Larry:What a bovine she is, huh? She's like the capo here, huh?

Larry:Does she run the show? Tell me the truth. Is this the inspirational speaker that we're getting?

Larry:If you need a machine, you're welcome to come and use my machine anytime you want. Give me a little round of applause if you want to. It won't kill you. Go ahead. That's kind of tepid.

Larry:Give me a little round of applause if you want to. It won't kill you. Go ahead. That's kind of tepid.

Larry:Did you put one of these disgusting things back in here after eating it? There's a whole side dish here for the remnants. This is the remnant plate.

Stella · Larry · Lewis:Imagine you had huge balls. Enormous, sweaty, just filled with spunk-- You're comparing breasts with balls? People hate balls. Balls are reviled.

Stella · Larry:Balls are male boobs. What? Balls are disgusting they're hideous. Everybody wants to see those. Who wants to see balls?

Larry:You take an advil for that stuff. You throw a couple of stones behind your brassiere. You just even it out. Like a seesaw.

Stella:Imagine you had huge balls. Enormous, sweaty, just filled with spunk--

Stella:Maybe half.

Lewis:You looked at her mole with a goddamn telescope like Galileo jerking off from 40' away.

Larry · Jeff:What's half of double d? B+? No, B-. What's closer to the D, the minus or the plus?

Leon:There shouldn't be a motherfucker cutting titties down. You don't fuckin' wanna reduce your titties by half and expect a motherfucker to be happy with that shit.

Larry · Leon:You say that to white people too. You can't turn blue? Hell no I can't turn blue. Blacks don't fuckin' blush. Never seen a black blush in my fuckin' life.

Leon:You don't fuckin' wanna reduce your titties by half and expect a motherfucker to be happy with that shit.

Larry · Dale:So, Dale, if you don't mind my saying, with all due respect, I was just wondering how you kind of... You know, wound up over there. Because it looks like you could... Take care of yourself.

Larry · Dale:[Dale reveals black eye] That is some shiner you got there.

Dale:Dale punches Larry giving him black eye

Larry · Dale:That is some shiner you got there. Can you tell me how it happened? I was home and I was talking to somebody. And... I said something I shouldn't have said. So this person struck you? No. I fell. Yeah, I fell. I'm clumsy.

Larry:You know, I didn't even ask him to move in. He just moved in, doesn't pay any rent and he eats all my food. He knows all about me. He knows my mother's maiden name. I've got to get this guy out of my house.

Larry:You know, I didn't even ask him to move in. He just moved in, doesn't pay any rent and he eats all my food. He knows all about me. He knows my mother's maiden name. I've got to get this guy out of my house.

Lewis:I'm going to throw myself and those breasts a farewell party like they've never seen in their lives. A breast blowout.

Lewis:So on Thursday I'm going to throw myself and those breasts a farewell party like they've never seen in their lives. A breast blowout.

Lewis:It's like the last time you're going to see them, like going off to war. I never went to 'nam and I feel like this is sort of like-- In a way sort of the same thing for me.

Computer owner · Larry:So you think that all black people look alike? I think all computers look alike.

Police:You match the description of somebody who's been reported for domestic battery at this address.

Police · Bob:[Police arrest wrong person as Larry returns computer] You're going to jail now. A computer. I don't live here. You're making a mistake. Wait for the guy to come back.