Atlanta

Jimmy Kimmel · Maria Sofia:So, is there a lot of improv on the show? Yes, there's a script, but I make up most of my own lines, put my own spin on the words, make it better.

Larry · Cheryl:Could you just stop with that... Stop with that commercial? I don't wanna hear that. Don't sing that in the house. I wanna stop. I can't stop!

Larry · Unknown Character:Larry complaining about someone singing the J.G. Wentworth commercial jingle repeatedly

Cheryl · Larry:Oh, Mr. 'I'm never gonna stop drinking almond milk.' Because what did I tell you about almond milk? You know, the water that they use in this state for these almonds and the methophexohexadine, they're killing the bees!

Cheryl:Cheryl's pseudo-scientific explanation about almond milk: 'the methophexohexadine, they're killing the bees!'

Cheryl · Larry:I'm sorry you're unhappy, Larry, but as her sponsor, I'm telling you, she simply cannot handle a breakup. How long are we talking? Well, they say no changes for the first 90 days in the program, but with Irma, I mean, minimum six months.

Larry · Cheryl:Larry's circular conversation about not going to the golf club while being asked to pick up hammer toe medicine 'if' he goes

Larry · Siri:Siri, directions to Wolfsglen. Directions to Great Wolf Lodge. No, Siri, Wolfsglen Restaurant.

Larry · Siri:No, you stupid fucking idiot! It's Wolfsglen Restaurant in Westwood! One option I see, Jay Wolf Clothing. No! Ah, you fuck! Wolfsglen Restaurant!

Jeff · Larry:Somebody is paying you to just show up at a birthday party in Atlanta. Yeah. I mean, so stupid. Yeah, rich guy. They're paying him a ton of money.

Larry · Jeff:Larry's specific contract demands: no speeches, no stand-up, no toasts, just mingling and handshaking

Jeff · Larry:Jeff dismissing Larry's appeal with 'She's the draw' when Maria Sofia is mentioned

Jeff · Larry:He's a wealthy businessman from Africa who loves Young Larry. Oh, well, now it makes sense. She's the draw.

Larry · Jeff:I'm not gonna do any speeches. I'm not gonna do any stand-up. I'm not gonna do any toasts. I'll mingle, I'll shake hands, and I'll be cordial. Do you even know how to be cordial? I think so. Do I? I would guess you do. I don't think I can, but I'll try.

Larry · Jeff · Restaurant Manager:The server Benny's mother dying creating an impossible complaint situation

Larry:Few days ago and he comes into work? What's he coming in for? If he's all upset, then he should be home in mourning.

Larry · Jeff:And you can't complain, obviously. No, you can't go to the manager. It's a no-win situation. Yeah, and you know what else? Now he gets a condolence tip.

Larry · Jeff:This is a... This is new. I don't know what you're talking about. Uh, you decided to just dye your hair? What are you doing that for? You sure Lady Macbeth didn't have anything to do with that?

Larry · Jeff:Larry confronting Jeff about dyeing his hair and suggesting Lady Macbeth (Susie) made him do it

Jeff · Larry:You wish you had a wife that cared about you. You wish you had a wife. I almost did a... I almost did a spit take.

Leon:Leon's concept of 'dick dialing' people by accident from his front pocket

Larry · Benny:This is unbelievable. And there's my soup! It's sitting there, getting cold. Hey! I ordered a tuna melt. That's fucked. But it was the sepsis that ultimately killed her.

Leon:You can't do that shit to old people, man. I mean, I almost killed a uncle like that. Yeah. This motherfucker was in the tub taking a fucking bath. He's like, 'What the fuck?' That was it. Motherfucker died like this.

Larry · Leon:I know what you mean. Why do you keep asking me if I know what you mean? It wasn't that difficult. It's not science. You made a very simple statement. Yeah, I know what you mean.

Maria Sofia:Maria Sofia's casual 'Oh, the plane won't take off without me' when called out for being late

Leon:Leon demonstrating by calling the dog multiple insults: 'Hey, fat fuck. You a fat ass. You fucking fat. You a short, fat ass dog.'

Leon:Leon warning the dog about airplane food: 'Don't you eat nothing else' and noting the dog understood that part

Leon:And sometimes, I can hear my dick dialing a number. Know what I mean? I'm like, 'What the fuck are you doing?' You know what I'm saying?

Maria Sofia · Larry:This is my emotional support dog, Pechuca. Emotional support dog? What a scam. They shouldn't even let you on the plane if you're that mentally unstable.

Larry · Maria Sofia · Leon:You can't insult a dog. They don't know. Yes, she does. You need self-awareness to understand someone's shaming you. This dog is not gonna turn around and go, 'What the fuck you say?' Look, watch this. Hey, fat fuck. You a fat ass. You fucking fat. You a short, fat ass dog.

Ligaya · Larry:Hotel housekeeper giving Larry an eye roll and saying 'I come back' after seeing his messy room

Larry · Housekeeping:This... this is a typical room. There's clothes strewn about. Yes, I see there's underwear and socks. I come back. What? What did I... That's what people do when they're in a hotel. Socks, underwear on the floor. You don't care. You're not... you're not home.

Larry · Housekeeping:I guarantee you there'll be a tip for you in this room. Guaranteed. I come back. I feel like somehow I've disappointed you. I come back later. What have I done? I'm just staying... in a hotel. Is this your first room you've ever cleaned? This is what a hotel is.

Leon:I had a 4.0 APA, 'Ass-Point-Average.' In high school, I was the valedictorian of tapping ass.

Larry:Larry commenting on Auntie Rae's food: 'That does not look good at all. It really looks inedible.'

Maria Sofia · Larry:Maria Sofia taking Larry's glasses without asking and him discovering they're stretched out

Larry · Auntie Rae:They don't fit. Oh, my goodness. You stretched them out. No, I didn't. What'd you do? Look at the size of her head. Are you kidding? You can't just take a pair of glasses and try them on. You have a big head. Dare I say, freakish?

Larry · Auntie Rae:It's excessive. It's like a jack-o'-lantern. You know what? You got a peanut head like Mr. Peanut.

Larry · Maria Sofia:Larry comparing Maria Sofia's head to a 'jack-o'-lantern' and her comeback about his 'peanut head'

Leon · Maria Sofia:Get your fat ass off my jacket. You crazy? Pechuca is not fat. I told your pudgy ass before to stay off my shit. Do not talk to Pechuca like that.

Larry:Larry's assessment of how Auntie Rae's loaner glasses look: 'They look fucking ridiculous with a peanut fucking head'

Larry · Auntie Rae:How do they look? They look fucking ridiculous with a peanut fucking head.

Larry · Ligaya:If a guest dropped glasses in the toilet, who fishes the glasses out of the toilet? Is that your department? Or is it the guest who's never put his hands in a toilet in his life? Or the housekeeper who's very familiar with it and is kind of desensitized, in a way, to the whole situation and has gloves and has the equipment and a plan?

Larry:Larry's detailed argument about why housekeepers should retrieve toilet glasses (gloves, equipment, desensitization)

Ligaya · Larry:You get 'em yourself! What? Hey! They're not mine. I never said they were my glasses. That was a hypothetical. A hypothetical means it's possible and maybe not possible. It's just a question.

Larry:You know, you're quite a farbissiner.

Larry:Larry calling Ligaya 'quite a farbissiner' (Yiddish for sour person)

Larry · Michael:I thought you were African. Yeah, I am. I'm South African. Born and raised in Joburg. You don't tell people you're from Africa if you're from South Africa.

Leon:If this motherfucker's African, I'm fucking a... What's the little boy in that fucking book with the freckles on his face, with the overalls and the fucking bare feet, and he looked wet all the time? Huckleberry Finn.

Larry:You know, when people tell me I'm going to love someone, I'm kind of programmed not to like them. So it's kind of a lose-lose for Brookie.

Michael · Larry:Oh, only her really close friends call her Brookie. So I can't call her Brookie? No. No. Can I introduce you to some of my guests?

Allie · Larry:They put clear where they should put green. Green... They put clear in the green and the green in the clear. You understand? Yeah, sure. The green in the clear... Has this happened to you?

Fan · Larry:The fan's confusing story about grocery store bag placement that trails off incomprehensibly

Larry · Leon:Have you noticed that when you take a picture, you don't look nearly as good as you do when you look in the mirror? Yeah. Because the mirror is how you see yourself. And the photo is how you're seen. Fuck, that's deep.

Leon · Larry:I wonder if a Black man going to Africa is like a Jew going to Israel. If you go to Israel to fuck, you know what I'm saying? Let's plan a trip. We'll hit the Congo... And then, we'll go to Tel Aviv. I'll tap yours. You tap mine.

Larry · Carl:You seem to be in violation of the Brooke-Brookie rule. Please, educate me. Yeah. How am I in violation of this rule? Well, only her close friends can call her Brookie. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

Larry · Brooke:Now, Carl, who hardly knows you at all, calls you Brookie, whereas I was given very strict instructions, by you, to call you Brooke. Carl is a great guy. No, no! Carl is not a great guy. I just spoke to Carl. I didn't find Carl to be a great guy at all.

Larry · Brooke:If I had a Larr-Larry rule, Carl wouldn't be calling me Larr. I can tell you that. Oh, I'm so sorry. Do you want me to call you Larr? No, because I don't have a Larr-Larry rule. I don't have a Brooke-Brookie Rule. No, you do. You do have a Brooke-Brookie rule. And it only applies to me.

Michael · Larry:I'm gonna be Desmond Tutu and then I'm gonna ask you questions. You're gonna be Tutu? Yeah, because Tutu was the guy asking the questions. But in this particular case, I was a victim. You shouldn't be Tutu. I should be Tutu. We can't both be Tutu. We can't have two Tutus.

Larry:Larry's confession: 'I've ruined every party I've ever gone to in my entire life. I have bad energy.'

Larry · Michael:I faked cordiality and I feigned interest. I'm gonna be honest, I'm disappointed. I was expecting more from my childhood hero. I've been expecting more from myself my whole life and it's just not there.

Larry · Michael:I've ruined every party I've ever gone to in my entire life. I have bad energy. Do you accept that it was a bad vibe, actually, and kind of ruined my party? I really did the best under the circumstances of a person who hates people and yet had to be amongst them.

Larry · Michael:Larry writing 'Kramen' then correcting it to 'Simon' for Michael's son

Ligaya:Asshole! You leave me tip in toilet.

Larry · Ligaya:What are you talking about? What? I didn't... I didn't put money in the toilet. You throw my tip in toilet, I toss your clothes. You sick maniac. You're insane. I go out with a bang.

Larry:This guy's not African, he's South African.

Larry · Police Officer:Larry getting arrested for giving water to voters in line, violating Georgia's Election Integrity Act

Police Officer · Larry:Sir! In the navy blazer. Put your hands in the air. You under arrest for violation of the Election Integrity Act. What? What are you talking about? It is illegal for anyone in the state of Georgia to provide food or water to voters in line at the polls.

Larry:I'm not even from here! I just came to make an appearance at a party. And I didn't even get paid! I was just being cordial. I was being cordial.