Happy New Year

Leon:You're like a... a porridge, a cream of wheat, a farina, that kind of shit. That's what white people's skin tone is. It's just different kinds of hot cereal.

Leon:Black people, your skin tone's like, it depends on the amount of milk you put in the coffee. Fuckin' right. I'm like a fuckin' Yoo-hoo.

Larry:It's a little late, frankly, for the 'Happy New Years', you know? The statute of limitations has kind of run out on the 'New Years.' Three days. Plenty.

Larry:Larry's response to 'Happy New Year' - 'Eh' followed by complaint about timing

Larry:By the way, everything doesn't have to be happy. Why does everything have to be happy?

Larry:That's, that's huge. If you need some name tips, I'm your guy.

Larry · Randi:Maybe something, uh, Swedish, perhaps? Yeah, I'm... my husband is African-American, so I'm not sure that would, I don't know, gel.

Larry · Randi:You like saying that, don't you. Do I like saying that he's African-American? Yeah. I think you wanted me to know.

Larry:You, you're jostling the fetus. You can't... You can't run in your condition.

Larry:Larry tells pregnant woman 'You're jostling the fetus' while she exercises

Larry:Maybe you want to consult your blacksmith. See what he has to say about it.

Larry:I pity that fetus. Oh, my God. I can't watch this.

Larry:You're over-talcing here. I couldn't even breathe in there.

Leon:My Auntie Rey put some of that shit on her, and went into anaphylactic shock. Yeah. Started shakin' and shit. Took her to the ER. Man, they had to pump her stomach for nothing.

Leon:Leon's story about his aunt's talcum powder anaphylactic shock

Leon:Know what I noticed? No one ever wears those hats on backwards. If mean, if you're gonna get your ass kicked, you want to see it coming.

Larry · Mocha Joe:Yeah. Scones are supposed to be hard. This is like a muffin. Well, not really. It's supposed to be fresh. Yeah, fresh hard.

Larry · Mocha Joe:I'm not quite sure you know what a scone is, Mocha Joe. Oh, I know what a scone is. Do you? You may have a looser definition of scone than I do.

Larry · Mocha Joe:Yeah, I'll keep the scone-slash-muffin. So you're gonna keep the scone? Yeah. Muffin. Yeah.

Leon:You're fuckin' up. Next.

Mocha Joe · Larry:Put your foot on it, like everybody else does. I'm gonna sit with my foot on the table? Yeah, that's how you hold it down. The floors are wobbly.

Larry · Leon:Nobody likes a wobbly table. Fastest way to lose customers is wobbly tables. I got an uncle with a wobbly leg. I can't stand that motherfucker. Leaning on shit all the time.

Larry · Mocha Joe · Leon:This is cold coffee. Whoa, whoa. Wait a second. That coffee is not cold. Look, we don't wanna be fuckin' haters right now, but this shit is cold.

Larry · Mocha Joe:Would you stick your nose in a hot cup of coffee? Why would you stick your nose... Because I want to prove to you that it's cold coffee. Watch this. That's cold coffee.

Mocha Joe · Larry:That doesn't prove anything except... it does. ...that you're an old, bald nut! What'd you say to me? You heard me. Now get out, you old, bald fuck!

Mocha Joe:Mocha Joe calling Larry 'an old, bald nut' and 'old, bald fuck'

Leon:Hey. Larry might be one or two of those things, but not all three.

Larry · Alice:He's eating out of my bowl. Oh, I just got that bowl from the kitchen. I thought it was an office bowl. It's an office bowl for humans. Not for dogs.

Larry:It needs to be sterilized. I can't, I can't... share a bowl with a dog.

Larry · Alice:All right, what... What the hell is that? Why is one eye closed? Oh, well, it's kind of personal. I don't share it with everybody. Yeah, it's very personal. The whole world can see it, but it's personal.

Larry:If I walked in here with a horn on my head, would you say, 'What are you doing with a horn on your head?' I'd say, 'Oh, I can't tell you. It's personal.'

Larry:Really? Then why didn't you put it on your ass?

Larry:You can't clean your glasses with a shirt that I'm wearing while I'm wearing it. It's inappropriate. It's crossing a boundary.

Jeff:Jeff's immediate boycott declaration after learning about Larry being insulted

Jeff · Nancy:Harvey Weinstein mistaken identity incident

Nancy · Jeff:He looks like Harvey Weinstein. He looks just like him. What the hell? Okay. All the time, women, men... doesn't matter.

Larry · Jeff:I've been following her around all night, but she never has any. They go fast. I don't care how foo-foo the other items are, and people love 'em, pigs in a blanket.

Larry · Susie:Ladies and gentlemen, the 16th president of these United States... Yeah, yeah. You're funny. ...Abraham Lincoln. Let's give him a big round of applause.

Susie · Larry:This hat is very similar to the one that Kate Middleton wore. Okay? You don't know shit. I know you look ridiculous. How about that?

Larry · Susie:Hey, you know what? Somebody has to stand up for that fetus. You don't know anything about fetuses. I know you don't go on a treadmill eight months pregnant.

Larry:Larry, Happy New Year. You're too late. 'Happy New Year.' Come on. It's three weeks. Isn't it almost a month already? It's ridiculous.

Larry:How do you know it's a happy new year, anyway? I can't believe it. What? Aw, I missed 'em again. It's unbelievable.

Larry:He just talks about his shows all the time. His own show, and how about... Romano is on 500 times a day. Somebody Feed Phil. Oh, geez, with all the chaos in the world, in third-world countries, feed him? He should be feeding other people. It should be called Phil Feeds Everybody.

Larry · Jeff:You avoid the person all night... Of course. And then at the end, when you're about to leave, you go, 'Ah!' You give 'em a big goodbye. Then they feel good... Bye! Goodbye and good luck to you and your family. They're very happy that you spent this time with them at the end of the night, and... and you slip out. It's genius.

Ted · Larry as Dummy:I like the other one. Well, I think the house is very nice. Did they throw that fish smell in for free?

Larry · Larry as Dummy:There's, there's Ted Danson. Wow, is he handsome! He sure thinks so.

Larry as Dummy:Susie, I love the curtains, but why did you make a jacket out of it?

Larry · Larry as Dummy:Are you having a good time? A good time? Are you kidding me? I'm with a bunch of stiffs, the food sucks, the drinks aren't strong enough, and your hand is up my ass.

Larry:You don't need to call her when you land. If there's a plane crash, we'll know about it.

Valerie · Larry:Sir, I need you to get out of here. Get out of here? What are you talking about? I need you to leave this room 'cause you've been ogling me... the entire night. Ogling you? Are you nuts? I, I, I've been ogling the pigs in a blanket.

Phil · Larry:You giving me The Big Goodbye? The Big Goodbye? What are you... What are you talking about? Big Goodbye. Where you avoid me all night, and then you think you can cure it by having a Big Goodbye. I know. I've been around.

Phil:Yeah. Everybody Loves Joam. It's fantastic. I get to go. And then I have the whole Somebody Feed Phil show. I want you to do my show. I want to go to Ethiopia with you.

Larry · Phil:Did I ever tell you that I once did a, uh, premature Big Goodbye? So what does that mean? You said goodbye and then you didn't leave? I did a Big Goodbye and then I didn't... Come on. And I didn't leave.

Larry · Cheryl:By the way, before we get into that, are you aware that you have a wobbly table here? Look at this. Look at this table. It's unbelievable. I, I don't know how you can go to bed at night.

Larry:If all tables in your house wobbled, you could live like that? You could in a wobble-house?

Cheryl · Larry:I think when I'm with you, it makes me feel... ...better about myself? Morally superior. Yes. Yes. I hear that a lot. Yeah.

Larry:But I feel that way with animals 'cause they're generally so stupid, and I can... especially insects, I can crush them. You know, and, and they eat each other. I mean, they're crazy, animals. So, yeah. I feel smarter and morally superior to them.

Larry · Cheryl:If we ever got back together... Yeah. ...and somehow this table appeared on, on our bedside... Yeah? ...It would be fixed immediately. Immediately. Oh, my God.

Leon · Larry:What? Where the fuck you been at? What are you? My mother? Fuck yeah, I am. All right, I was at a party, okay? I was at Jeff's party. That party was over a long time ago. Huh? Yeah. This right here... This right here? It's called tappin' hours.

Leon · Larry:This is the hours when people are tappin' ass. I'm not tappin'. I'm not tappin'. Older white men should not be out this fuckin' late. There's no late-night yacht club, or late-night garage sales and shit like that. You out here fuckin'.

Leon · Larry:Ah! You know what I'll do? I'll call you in the middle of lunch. Say it's an emergency and you gotta go. I did that the last time I had lunch with him. Oh, boy. That guy's relentless.

Larry:I'm not playing with him. He's a Trump supporter. Never play with a Trump supporter. Really? See him around town with that hat. 'Make America Great Again.' I don't need that crap. He just... He makes me want to not be anywhere near him.

Larry:Wasn't that one of the shithole countries? I can't remember if that was on the list or not. Oh, look. I'm getting a thing. Oh, yeah. Oh, look at that. Um, uh... My son's flight, uh, got in early.

Leon · Other driver:Leon's road rage incident and near-violence

Leon · Larry:Hey! What the fuck are you doing? Whoa. Oh, God. Oh, God. Motherfucker! What the fuck? What are you trying to do, man? What the fuck are you doing? You little fucker!

Jeff · Larry:I told you, for the rest of my dying days, I will never come to this place with you. Ever. That's not what you said. I said I was... You said you're boycotting this place. And you're never coming back here. You didn't say with me. What are you? My Jewish puppet master?

Jeff · Larry:This coffee, by the way, is unbelievable. It's fantastic. Is it hot? It's very hot. Let me see that for a second. Hey, don't touch my... I don't like... Don't touch it. What the... Hey, stop it! What are you, a fuckin' goose?

Mocha Joe · Larry:You know what, Larry? Get out. Huh. This is what it's come to. You're banned. For life. I never wanna see you in here again. Is that so? Yeah. You're banned. Banned! Get out!

Larry:Mark my words, Mocha Joe, and mark them well. I don't know how, and I don't know when, but I will exact vengeance. As God is my witness, I will bring you to the brink of extinction, or I will die trying.

Valerie:I was catering at a party. Larry was molesting me with his eyes the entire night. And then when I went into a pantry, he followed me in, cornered me, and he grabbed my breast.

Alice · Valerie:You know he did something like that to me, too? No. Oh, my God. Yeah. Everything was fine. And one day he... asked about a tattoo I have on my arm, and I wouldn't tell him what it meant, and then he got obsessive about it.

Larry · Alice:What's with the robe? Oh. 'Cause I spit cereal up all over my shirt, because there was dog hair in it. Disgusting. Right?

Alice · Larry:You're wearing a MAGA hat at a sushi restaurant? Is that true? Well, I did have the hat on, yeah. What, are you pro-Trump? No, no. Look, I got this idea to wear that hat so I wouldn't have to have lunch with Phil Rosenthal.

Larry · Alice:You know, look. When you're a celebrity, you can do anything you want. You can grab 'em by the pussy... What did you say? What? Why are you wearing a bathrobe? And that hat!

Mocha Joe · Larry:What are you doin' here, Larry? I thought I told you to get out and not come back. Yeah, so you did, Mocha Joe. So you did. I've merely come to inform you that I have leased the place next door, where I'll be opening up a coffee shop exactly the same as yours. Only charging much lower prices. All for the express purpose of taking you down.

Larry · Mocha Joe:You know what I'm gonna call it? What? Latte Larry's.

Larry · Leon:I need that talcum powder. What you got goin' on? It's an emergency. Get me the talcum powder! Fuck! Who you tappin'? Cheryl. What? My man Larry David re-tappin' that ass!

Larry · Cheryl:So sorry! Oh, my God. You look so much better. Do I? Oh. Are you kidding? I couldn't even look at you before. I mean, it was... really, like, hideous. You looked... disgusting. I could barely glance at you.

Cheryl · Susie:You're such an asshole. You are such... I mean, I'm, I'm fighting for my life, and this is what you're... Susie? What are you guys doing here?

Susie · Larry:I knew it. I knew something was going on with you two. I could smell it. That night at our house. The ventriloquist. He drove you home. Something's been going on here. I knew it. I knew it! Bravo! Bravo, Poirot.

Cheryl · Susie:Because he just flew in from San Francisco and he texted me when he landed. I... Because he's her significant other, and you're her significant nothing! Just keep your fuckin' trap shut! Go!

Larry:Oh, please. After what that fetus has been through, this'll be a day at the beach. Happy New Year!

Larry:Larry's shorts criticism: 'better to do it with pants on... It's hard to take a person seriously wearing shorts'