Side Sitting

Larry:I yanked at her... I cleaned my glasses. Her shirttail was sticking out. I cleaned my glasses.

Larry:If she gets anything at all here, it would be a travesty. And I would, I would leave the country. I don't know where I'd go, but I would leave.

Larry:Millions for defense. Not one cent for tribute. That's what we said when the British were impressing our seamen.

Larry:Hey, there! We have the best dental plan in all of Europe. Why, look at our bicorn hats and fancy brass buttons. How's that, sailors? Are you impressed by that?

Lawyer:In this office, we, uh, we try to use a holistic approach to compensation.

Larry · Lawyer:an infinitely better bathroom than to send me to a public... Oh, it's nothing special. You'll be much happier down the hall.

Larry:I'm like a murderer going in there. I completely expunge all evidence that I was ever there.

Lawyer:Motion denied, as they say in the profession.

Larry:It's not about the money, okay? It's about having to go into your pants pocket, in a car when you're paying. Have you ever been in a car trying to get to your pocket?

Larry:This is why homeless people don't make a lot of money from people in cars, 'cause nobody wants to go into their pockets.

Larry:This is only for an hour. I was here for at least an hour-ten.

Dr. Bahn:I would like to test you for thyroid cancer.

Jeff:if you do have cancer... I can't be your friend anymore. I-I'm not a cancer friend. I can't do the cancer friend.

Richard:If you get cancer, I'll never speak to you again.

Leon:When I found out my daddy had cancer, I never spoke to that man again. I even stopped taking his calls.

Larry · Leon:Did he die? I don't know.

Larry:Let's make a little deal here, okay? A no-cancer friend reciprocity pact.

Larry:They're all over. It's an epidemic. I'm gonna end the wobbly table epidemic, in my coffee house.

Larry:I think I'll do a little, uh, a little side-sitting.

Cheryl:Well, it's, uh, very intimate. This is too far to talk to somebody. It feels a little close.

Cheryl:It's my mailman. His name's Lionel... Something about that guy gives me the creeps.

Cheryl:Can I introduce you to my friend, the elephant?

Larry:Hypothetically, suppose she told me I had... two years. Would that alter your thinking about us at all?

Larry:I can get a nurse and complain to the nurse and leave you out of that part.

Larry:Would you mind if I brought the nurse along?

Larry:I don't give a fuck.

Larry · Jeff:You think rich beats old and bald? You could have mutton chops and wear a cartoon tie of Felix the Cat... and wear an Abe Lincoln hat. You'll be fine.

Larry · Jeff:The other night at poker, that invitation, it, it didn't get lost. You made that whole thing up. Blame it on the mailman.

Susie · Larry:You've never gotten me a birthday gift. I did this year!

Susie:From you, of all people, 'cause you're not a giver.

Susie:All is forgiven. Everything you've ever done, every horrible thing you've done to me is forgiven for this.

Larry · Milos:I thought I told you a camera, a fucking camera. This is mahogany cream. You fucked me.

Lionel:So, I'm the mail. Yes. In this particular case... I'm the guy that is delivering the mail, so that is a stain on an otherwise perfect record.

Larry:If you're gonna confront somebody and ask them to do something like this, it's better to do it with pants on.

Larry · Lionel:How many pairs? What does that have to do with this?

Larry:Ah! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, thank you. Thank you! Ah! Negative! Negative!

Larry:it's been two days since I found out, and not one of my friends has inquired as to how the test turned out, not one.

Swindell · Larry:Did you use my bathroom? What? No. Absolutely not.

Larry:Beautiful view here. How long did it take you to take it for granted?

Larry:It would take me about a day, maybe less, maybe a half an hour.

Larry:Oh, dear God, please let me meet an old bald man, who will take me toilet-hopping, from toilet to toilet, throughout the town. Please, God. Please make that happen.

Leon:Somebody told me you were side-sitting Cheryl. The mailman.

Larry:If you ever see me sitting, you'll see me side-sitting.

Jeff · Larry:Why couldn't you get her a camera?! I should have given her the camera. Next time get her a camera! Believe me, there won't be a next time!

Larry · Jeff:I will never give anyone a gift again. What do you think about that? I think it's the best idea you've had all day! My birthday's coming up in a month! What are you gettin' me?! Nothin'!

Larry:You don't play, and you borrowed a piano?

Larry:I'd like to begin by taking my right hand and place it on your right shoulder. Would that be acceptable?

Larry:With your permission, of course, I would like to take a video in order to document the evening. Just in case there are any discrepancies of the he-said, she-said variety.

Larry:I'm going to place it on your inner thigh, and slowly inch my way up, in a crab-like fashion

Larry:It seems we've reached a bit of an impasse. End session.

Larry:Three days now. I've gotten the results back from my cancer test. Not one of you bothered to call me and ask me if I got the results back.

Larry:What kind of friends are you? Seriously! What kind of friends are you? You can all go fuck yourself!

Susie:You ruined my painting! You destroyed it!

Larry:I think this whole thing can be a blessing in disguise. I've never been entirely happy with this painting. He didn't really capture the luster of your skin.

Alice:You can't side-sit with me. Oh, my God. Let go! You don't get to grab me, at a banquette or side-sit!

Swindell:Did you or did you not use my bathroom?!

Larry:There's no other way to eat an apple but blithely. That's how apples are eaten.

Larry:You are like a president in the 18th century on the back of a train saying, 'And there will always be toast with eggs.'

Larry · Leon:I think you can introduce me sort of as a renaissance man. A guy who speaks six languages. You wanna impress people with lies?