No Lessons Learned

Larry:Just more government interference. Next thing you know, they won't let me have an abortion on the plane.

Larry · Leon:I'm not really interested in your opinion. I don't consider you a person.

Larry:Because I'd like to know if there's a squealer on this plane. I'd like to know who it is. I'm not comfortable flying with a squealer.

Flight Attendant · Larry:Sir, you're not comfortable with a squealer yet you're asking me to squeal? That's a different kind of squealing.

Leon · Larry:Why would I draw attention when I got my own fucking phone on? His phone's on? Check it out.

Leon:You never told me it was a show about weekly ass. Jerry just constantly got ass every week. This ain't a fucking TV show. This is more of a fuck documentary.

Leon:You need extra dicks. Like you got your own dick, but then you gotta have a backup dick. A dick should be interchangeable. Yeah. Like a pair of glasses.

Leon:Oh, I'mma take my other dick out my back pocket.

Larry · Leon:We're trying to get in! She's speeding up! We wanna get off the highway! Are you kidding me? What is with this woman? Won't let us in!

Hotel Employee:Most popular White man in America right now. You don't have to buy a pack of Kools for the rest of your life.

Larry:I'm 76 years old and I have never learned a lesson in my entire life.

Mother:That's who we don't wanna be like, okay? Come on. Let's go.

Larry · Jeff · Susie · Richard:We don't wanna hear that. Why can't you-- 'Cause it's a picture of you, uh... No, no! You don't have to picture me. Picture her!

Larry:I'd rather picture my parents naked than you naked.

Larry · Richard:You think you're suicide material? Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

Larry · Cynthia:What-- I don't think I-- Doesn't sound like me. Do you have a blue Mercedes? I do. But it wasn't me. I wasn't even on I-85 today.

Cheryl · Larry:Don't say it in front of people. I told you that in confidence. It is. Telling people what sexual positions you like, that would be personal.

Larry:When I was 19 years old, I was in a bar. I had a drink. And I looked at the bartender and I said to him, 'Hey, Captain, I'll have another,' and he gave me like the dirtiest look. And I've never called anybody captain since.

Leon:Not captain, but I did call a motherfucker chief, and then realized he was a real Indian and shit.

Auntie Rae:Well, you know, baby, I'm glad you're enjoying it, but that's one recipe that they can't pull out of me. Even for you, baby, I don't do. Mic drop!

Prosecutor · Larry:Who here could see themselves stealing a loaf of bread in order to feed a hungry stranger? I ask they're all dismissed for cause.

Larry:That guy's got a string tie him. Let's get rid of him. No liberal would be caught dead in a string tie.

Larry:You see that comb over? He's a self-loathing bald man! He hates himself and he hates other bald men.

Larry:I don't think I could take it, you know? And I'll bet a lot of them cheat on it too. There's probably a bad sequesterer among them.

Cynthia · Larry:Have you ever known love, Larry? Have you ever known the loss of a great love? Oh, I've known love and I've known loss. 2004, Yankees lost the last four games to the hated Red Sox.

Larry:When Messier lofted that trophy, I thought my heart was gonna burst.

Larry · Cynthia:How did you do it? I think you're the first person who has ever asked me that question, Larry. So inappropriate.

Cynthia · Larry:Pills, okay? What kind of pills? Pink pills. Are you sure? Yeah, I'm sure.

Richard · Larry:The woman tried to hang herself. Oh, she did? Well, isn't that curious. 'Cause she told me she took pills.

Larry · Richard:What are you gonna adopt, a 40-year-old? Yeah. A doctor. A doctor? A doctor or a lawyer.

Larry · Ted:Yeah. You're stealing the spotlight. By the way, why are you telling everybody that Cheryl doesn't like Mexican food?

Larry:No coasters. They want you to respect the law, but the law doesn't respect wood. You see the irony there?

Leon:Larry, you fucked! Shut the fuck up. This motherfucker's good.

Defense Attorney · Larry:Would you convict Jesus? I think we all know the answer to that. And if you wouldn't convict Jesus... Ha! ...then you can't convict Larry.

Larry:That's not Joe Boccabella. That's Mocha Joe.

Larry:Joey Funkhouser started that fire with his big new penis.

Larry · Matsue:The swan attacked me! It was kill or be killed. You're a murderer. Murderer! It was self-defense.

Larry:Trump, Putin, and Larry David? That's an unusual combination.

Jeff:My name is Journey Gunderson. My wife is in the hospital because of the dressing on your salad.

Larry · Jeff · Auntie Rae:Ah! Journey! The doctors need to know the specific ingredients. Journey! I'm sorry. Mr. McGunderman, is that your wife? That was Karen Gunderson. She's all catawampus.

Auntie Rae · Larry:What the heck is wampus, Mr. Gurney Manunderson? Hang in there. Uh, Karen Gunderson, honey, me and your husband, Gurney Germerny, we gon' get you better, baby.

Leon:This goddamn Kramer, man, he's too much, man. Walk into your fucking house unannounced and shit. You might as well take off the fucking door and put a fucking saloon door on that bitch.

Leon:He'll come in the courtroom in a wheelchair. And he rolls in there slow and fucking shaking and shit. Everybody's like, 'Oh, my God. That poor man.' The judge is touched. The bailiff is touched. Sketch artist is fucking bawling so bad that the sketch is blurry.

Leon:Have you ever had sex with a woman in a wheelchair? 'Cause I have. Have you ever tapped some ass on crutches? You ever crutch fuck? That's like fucking an animal 'cause the crutches are an extra set of legs.

Larry:Oh, you're here. What is going on? Honey. You came. Look, look, look, look. Honey's here.

Larry:She got hit by a bus a few months ago and she was lying on the ground, I rushed over. I gave her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. And I carried her to my car. Not that easy.

Rachel · Larry:Somebody's gonna have to jump. What, are you fucking nuts? And so I was forced... ...to jump 45 feet. I broke both my knees, my ankles.

Witness · Court:Larry David pissed on a portrait of Jesus Christ in my home. What? He tinkled on it. He sprayed Jesus.

Witness:Larry David is a sad senior with long balls and mental issues.

Young Tara:Mommy! Mommy! That bald man's in the bathroom and there's something hard in his pants.

Auntie Rae:Well, his wife did. Long enough for him to use the N-word around me. He did that shit. And long enough for him to hug me and have a hard-on, an erection that he was rubbing all up against me.

Auntie Rae:You sons of bitches. It was you! I know it was you, Bernie Bonderman, and you, Karen Bonderman, trying to steal my recipe. Fuck you, Larry David.

Larry · Court:She's walking! It's a miracle. It's just a miracle. How did she do it? I can't even believe it. Walking. Oh. Oh.

Larry · Ted:Suppose you're friends with someone who's in the circus. He knows the bearded lady very well. You go to the bearded lady's apartment. It's a normal apartment. Nothing freakish. No, nothing freakish at all.

Larry · Ted:Clean-shaven bearded lady. She's quitting the circus. She's got a big crush on you. She'd love to go out with you. She's gonna start shaving. But at the party when we're there... she's got the beard on. Rabbinical? Very rabbinical.

Larry · Ted:What's the worst that could happen? The worst that could happen is it's a paper napkin... ...and she wipes her mouth, and, uh, there's some-- part of it snags. What if I happen to be home at 4:30? Guess who's on the ledge.

Larry:Even I was sweating, and let me tell you something, I don't sweat, it's the craziest thing. Like I could be playing basketball in the summer, I won't sweat. You know, occasionally for some reason, I'll sweat during intercourse sometimes, which is odd.

Larry · Prosecutor:It was my 5-wood. You pried the club out of a dead man's hand? Okay. So you know when you get attached to a club, you don't wanna give it up even if it's in a coffin? Well, that was that 5-wood for me.

Larry · Prosecutor:'Devoted sister, beloved cunt.' Huh? It's a typo. Don't you see? It's a typo. The fact is... ...I've heard that she actually was a bit of a cunt. But that's still no excuse to put that in a newspaper.

Leon · Jeff:So... my question is, where the fuck are the tapes at? Tapes? Larr-- The tapes. Larry won't give that shit up. The tapes. What tapes? The fuck tapes.

Larry · Leon:Yeah. Yeah. But they're on laser disc. Oh! Do you have a player? Fuck me, man. Yeah, sorry. No way to convert that shit to something else? Yeah. No. That's a shame. It's 13 unbelievable hours.

Prosecutor · Larry · Children:There's a police report that exists stating that Larry David would not give candy to children on Halloween. I don't-- I don't think so. God, asshole! Fuck you. Thanks for nothing, asshole.

Prosecutor:He brought a sex offender to a Passover seder. He ate a dying dog's last meal. And he fornicated... ...with a blowup doll in broad daylight.

Prosecutor:And he pretended to be an incest survivor... named Todd.

Leon · Larry:All I got left is the fucking finale. Wow. Although, I heard some terrible things about it. I heard you fucked it up.

Jury · Larry · Supporters:We find the defendant guilty. What? Oh, come on. This is a travesty of justice. Come on.

Judge:And I truly hope this time you finally learned your lesson.

Larry · Fellow Prisoner:That happens to me too. What do you call that? It's a pants tent. Pants tent. Yeah. I got a five-inch bunch up here.

Jerry · Larry:You know that Mexican restaurant near the hotel? I go there to get something to eat. I don't even like Mexican food. That's okay. I won't tell anybody. What do I care? Well, some people care. Really? Yeah.

Jerry · Larry:He's not supposed to be in a Mexican restaurant because he's under sequester. He broke his sequester? Broke his sequester. He's supposed to sequester. He's a bad sequesterer.

Larry · Jerry:This is how we should've ended the finale. Oh, my God, you're right. How did we not think of that?

Cheryl · Larry · Leon:Well, I need it to read. I need-- Why don't you use the overhead light? Just let her keep the shade up. I'm trying to watch a movie, all I see is glare. It's like I'm watching a fucking radio right now.

Leon · Larry · Jeff:Go fuck yourself, Larr. We'll take a vote. Go back to fucking jail, Larry. I vote with them. It's not your window.