Mister Softee

Larry · Unknown:Is anybody worried about dirt on their food here? You know, these buses come by. Everybody makes such a big deal about eating outside. - I find it disgusting. - It's al fresco.

Larry · Jeff:You're wearing gloves? It's the middle of summer. - No, my baseball glove. - Oh, baseball.

Jeff:Are you not listening anything I've ever told you?

Larry · Susie · Jennifer:You I can understand. You've been married a long time. You could care less about what he does. - You're absolutely correct. - But we've just started dating. And when you first start dating you always do things that are distasteful. - That's part of the process.

Larry · Jeff:That fish, to be honest, don't look so good. I only chose it because I knew we were gonna split it. Look, you brought the fish into it. I'm saying no. - That's completely unethical.

Susie:this is why he's a good manager. You should be thankful he's unethical. He's unscrupulous.

Larry · Jeff:Can I try it? - Nope. - Just a little taste? - Nope, you made a mistake.

Larry · Jeff:No, you're only saying you learned a lesson because I said I learned a lesson. That's where you're wrong. I'm just sharing. I know for a fact you did not learn a lesson. - It's a coincidence.

Jennifer · Jeff:Good luck at your wiffle ball game or whatever. - Softball.

Jeff · Larry:She likes you, which is a shocking thing to me. - She might.

Susie:Lar. Lar. Larry! What happened? Where'd you go?

Larry · Jeff:To tell you the truth, whenever I see a woman who's happy, she's married. And whenever I see a man who's happy, he's single. - Mathematics of that is confusing, isn't it?

Larry:When I was a kid I had a traumatic incident involving Mr. Softee.

Larry:That's pretty pretty pretty good.

Father · Neighborhood kids:What the hell are you doing with my daughter? Your vagina is showing. Oh my God. He's got more pubes on his fucking head.

Larry:I feel like if she had taken the top off my whole life would have been different.

Team Manager:You know, before I came out today I think about I'm like the Steinbrenner. And I think, 'What would Steinbrenner say right now?' He would say that when you put on this uniform with my name on it, there is no substitute for winning!

Manager · Team:we will grab them and we will fuck their sisters in the cunt! Are you listening? Bring it in. Come on. - Fuck these people! - Fuck these people!

Larry:Fuck their sisters in the cunt? Who talks that way?

Larry · Teammate · Team:I got distracted by the Softee Truck. - By the what? - What a douche. What a douche.

Teammate:You fucking bucknered it. Why is Buckner on my team?

Larry:Let me just say this, okay? On behalf of all Caucasians, I apologize. I apologize for the Caucasian race.

Larry:I have noticed that white people revere black people in glasses, go out of their way to do stuff for them. If a black man with glasses goes up for a job against a white man, glasses gets the job. No glasses, no job.

Leon:I get a fucking tingle in my Johnson when a motherfucker tells me he's about to get some ass.

Larry · Yari:You didn't fix my car because I made an error? What are you, 12 years old? What are you, 90 years old?

Larry:You own 12 t-shirts.

Yari:Buckner, fuck you. Go Buckner yourself. Go! Faster!

Leon:We're good. Can you believe that? I'm gonna get me a whole new class of bitches with these on.

Leon:This is better than anything the civil rights leaders have ever come up with. You're goddamn right. I have overcome, God damn it.

Dr. Thurgood · Larry:You know when you were a kid walking with your mother through Bohack's, you saw your teacher and you had to realize she didn't live in school? You understand? Larry, I don't live in school either. - I have no idea what you're talking about.

Larry:She called me Mr. Softee.

Dr. Thurgood:I had a client once, he was a rock guitarist. He played for the band, what was the name of it? Grand Funk Railroad. I don't want to reveal his name because-- I already told you he played for Grand Funk Railroad. You can just look it up. It's Mark Farner.

Larry:Of course yours happened in the world series in front of millions of people, but nevertheless a ball went through my legs and cost us the game.

Larry · Bill Buckner:He's the first one to wear that since Hitler, isn't he? You know what? I think that's true.

Hecklers · Larry · Bill Buckner:Hey, Buckner, you suck. Nice catch. What jerks, huh? Oh my God. How do you put up with that? You just get used to it.

Jewish man · Larry:When a Jewish person dies you need to have 10 men in a room to say a prayer. - It'll take 10 minutes tops. I got my friend here. - He could come along. It's a free lunch.

Larry:Hopefully there's an afterlife. I'll keep my fingers crossed. You never know. Crazier things, right?

Mourner:He's a big Red Sox fan and he can't be in the same room with Bill Buckner. I'll have to ask you to please leave.

Mourner:Don't let the door go through your legs on the way out, Buckner.

Larry:I hope there is no afterlife. I hope there's no afterlife.

Larry · Bill Buckner · Susie:Hey, Buck, catch. What?! What are you doing? - What the fuck?

Larry · Susie · Bill Buckner:Hey, Buck, catch. What?! What are you doing? It was a horseshit throw. No, it was a horseshit catch also.

Jeff · Susie · Bill Buckner:It was Mookie Wilson, Buckner! Yeah. What'd Mookie do? All he hit was a shitty ground ball.

Larry:You're not allowed to just say, 'Hey, let's have sex.' You've got to go around it... Like you're doing something else so you fool the woman. It's like a magic trick. It's sleight of hand.

Larry:The dried pineapple is destroying mixed nuts.

Larry:Like for golf, when I have a bad round, my next round is fantastic because I don't care anymore. I hit the low point. Like, I hit the low point the last time. And now I know that I stink. And when I feel I stink I'm good.

Larry:Bad news, I have no dip. I am so sorry. I am completely dipless.

Larry:That's a remarkably idiotic thing that you just said. But you know, the fact that you're wearing glasses, I perceive it as a little less idiotic than I normally would.

Leon:This shit is a moving dildo. This chair is a fuck machine. Man cannot compete with machinery. You're damn right. She was coming downstairs.

Dr. Thurgood · Larry:I don't want to reveal who he was, but he did direct 'Star Wars.' I would never say that. I merely alluded to the fact that he was a well-known director. You might as well call him George Lucas.

Leon · Larry:He tore the bill up, threw it in the garbage. Done. What? You're kidding. No, I'm not kidding. the glasses, baby. Amazing.

Leon:No, I stole it.

Crowd · Larry:Oh my God! I can't believe it! Unbelievable. I've never seen anything like that in my life. - Nice catch, Bill.