The Bat Mitzvah

Leon · Jeff:Mopy Dick, that's what he is. - Moby Dick. - No, Mopy Dick.

Leon · Jeff:Who's fucking Moby Dick? His dick is moping. Oh, literally Mopy Dick? Yeah, Mopy Dick.

Leon:Your brain is all fucking discombobulated, man.

Leon:Larry, grow a mustache, man. Grow a goatee, a mustache, grow sideburns. Become another motherfucker, man.

Jeff · Larry:What was that? What are you doing? You've got bedbugs? What's going on?

Larry:Eh, let's not go crazy.

Larry:Chill out? There's a gerbil running amok in my house. Come on, help me find it.

Antoinette:Oh, Larry. Larry David, you are a romantic.

Larry:He was terrible, though. He was a terrible director.

Matt:Well, I did the cancer scare episode of 'Home Improvement,' so I got typed as this guy who does ticker.

Matt:I want to get back to the funny, to the shtoomy.

Matt:Hey, Larry, do you still have that tickle in your anus?

Larry:Tickle in my-- what is she talking about? What are you talking about?

Larry:Why did you say I have a tickle in my anus? Are you fucking crazy, huh? A tickle in my anus?

Matt Tessler · Larry:Larry's anus is fine. - Shut the fuck up, okay?

Larry:Hey, Richard, it's Larry. Matt Tessler just asked me to recommend him for your pilot... so this is me calling to recommend-- 'recommend' him.

Larry:We could just put a sign up on the wall saying, 'Larry David was here.' Why don't we do that?

Larry:I'm not an inventor, but I'm an improver. I improve things that are broken. This is broken. This system is broken.

Paula:But I'm not a Jew, if that's what you're thinking. 'Cause I saw your wheels spinning.

Larry:That's uncanny. It's like there's a window into my soul and you can just really read me.

Larry · Paula:did you ever go out with a bald guy? Yeah. How did you find it? It was magical.

Larry · Paula:How am I doing on the flirt so far? How would you assess it? Um... Pretty good? I'm-- well, 7.5.

Larry:I'm going to New York. Why am I stopping off in Florida?

Larry:Okay, I have a gerbil up my ass. That's my problem.

Nurse · Larry:How long has it been there? Two days.

Larry:You're listening to me? I don't know what I'm talking about. Put the sign-in sheet back on.

Larry · Jeff:How much will you give me to start gargling now? 50 bucks. Just do it.

Larry · Jeff:I just got 50 bucks. No, now that doesn't count. It was so enjoyable and you ruined it with 'I just got 50 bucks.'

Jeff · Larry:Do you know who anyone is? No. When was the last time you bought an album? 1972?

Larry:What do I do? Am I allowed to hold hands during the mo--? Is there a rule?

Larry · Jeff:That's the guy who walked past the line to get his ticket before. Pete! Look at him. Oh my God. He was faking. Are you kidding me? No. That's really good. I gotta take my hat off to him.

Paula · Larry:It's just you're squirming a lot. You're squirming more than I am. Well, my seat is uncomfortable. Yeah, my seat's uncomfortable too.

Paula · Larry:I've never heard of anybody going to a gastroenterologist for a checkup. Oh, really? That's what you were doing there. Is that what I said? Yes, that's what you said.

Larry:I have friends who I can't stand, you know, for, like, 25 years. I'm still friends with them. Why? Because I stay to the end, till they're dead.

Larry:I'm not even the captain, I'm going down with the ship. That's how I want you to think about me: I'm the guy who keeps the captain company.

Jeff · Larry:You don't understand women. You don't understand etiquette. Fine.

Larry · Jeff:Yeah, well, she has a tickle in her anus anyway. She has a tickle in her anus? I think so. She was squirming in her seat.

Larry · Jeff:Then there's a hole in the nose. We'll just cover it with makeup. Blech!

Office neighbor:We'll go to lunch together. Every day, every day. Every day. Every day, lunch.

Larry:No no no, it was a test to see if he's a tolerant person. And anyone who's not is no neighbor of mine.

Matt:My son has an office on the right hand of Jesus.

Matt:Hey, you know what's really funny? A successful writer-producer who puts gerbils up his ass for fun.

Richard:Why'd you 'recommend' him, Mr. Quotehead?

Larry · Richard:You call him Ben Laden or Bin Laden? I don't know. You called him Ben. That's almost like a Jewish name. That's true. Ben Laden does sound like a shirt-maker in Manhattan.

Larry · Richard:You know, I do have a tickle in my anus. Oh, really? Yeah. I gotta split.

Leon:The gerbil got on the elevator, hit 'up' and went up your asshole? Is that what happened?

Larry:there's a guest here spreading a vicious, nasty, scurrilous rumor about me and a gerbil. Okay? I'm sure you've heard it. And there's not a word of truth to it, okay?

Larry:However, in the interest of full disclosure I will tell you that, um, I do have a tickle in my anus. And they're slightly related to each other.

Larry:What are you looking at, Tessler? I'll put a fist up your ass. How about that, huh?

Larry · Cheryl:My underwear? You're in the no-fly zone? I'm going right over the fence. You're over the fence? Over the fence. Did you miss the gate? Not at all. Don't even think about the gate?

Loretta · Larry · Leon:Oh, fuck you, Larry. Bullshit, motherfucker. I didn't know. You are such a bald asshole! Who the fuck you think you're talking to? Don't nobody talk to my man like that. You'd better get your ass out of my house, you fucking bitch.