Irma Kostroski

Larry · Jeff:You can sit here, but you can't go to Broadway when I'm selling out show after show for ten weeks. We have an obligation imbalance, okay?

Larry · Jeff:The Prince Charles? Exactly, Mussolini's view.

Larry · Jeff:No, I said, 'Myoo-solini.' You said, 'Muss-olini.' No, it's not 'Myoo-solini' like 'muesli.'

Jeff:I confuse it with Mucilex. I take that for my coughs.

Larry:What are you... Are we married? I don't... I don't understand. Am I dating you?

Larry · Jeff:You're the worst-dressed person I've ever seen. I can't even look at you. I get depressed. When are you gonna die? Will you just... will you please die?

Larry:That's the guy who's in, uh, my new show. Young Larry. He's playing me, when I was in my 20s.

Larry:Believe me, he wants to be tapped.

Irma:I do not like being tapped, and I will not tap a stranger.

Larry · Irma · Audience Member:You're talking. / No, you're talking. / You're talking, and you keep talking!

Larry:Where'd you get that dress anyway, at a substitute teacher designer warehouse?

Woman:You mid-level celebrities, you think you're so smart with all your banter.

Unknown woman:You mid-level celebrities, you think you're so smart with all your banter.

Larry:You see somebody in a hat that says, 'St. Petersburg, Florida,' do you wanna go there?

Larry:Non-pros, there's nothing they love more than when actors tell them what they think.

Larry:An open bad book, that after ten pages you'll put down, okay?

Jimmy:Irma Kostroski. She's a city councilwoman, very powerful. The most hideous... disagreeable person.

Unknown man · Marcia:Who lives with his 75-year-old uncle? I do. Why can't you be normal? I'm perfectly normal. Marcia, am I normal?

Woman · Man:My mother thinks you're mental! Really? Yes. She told me! Why are you telling me?

Marcia:I've seen the apartment, and it's really nice. And I'm sure I'll be spending a lot of time there. So you can see why... this is a toughie.

Larry · Jeff:A real mechayeh. He's what? What's that? He's a mechayeh, he's a pleasure. Oh, 'pleasure.'

Larry · Jeff:Do you have any ideas? Yeah. Shoot her.

Asa:I feel these mugs, they're not true.

Larry · Asa:It wasn't important at all, Asa! Please, um, would you mind calling me Larry?

Larry:Isn't that what actors do? They fake it?

Asa:Well, I think Stella Adler would, uh, beg to differ.

Larry:He's the biggest mug here, if you ask me.

Producer:I heard something. I don't know if it's true or not, but somebody told me that he was sexually abused... as a young actor when he was, like, 17 or something

Stan:I'll get five more for little prick Larry.

Stan:And if he rejects those... I can tell you where it'll end up.

Larry:Unequivocally, the worst acting I've ever seen. Ever!

Producer · Larry:Lilly Collins's manager, you know, really... They were really interested in this. She was? Yeah. You shouldn't have even told me that.

Larry:Are you out of your mind? What am I, a Fuller Brush salesman?

Jeff:They make the law, they can repeal the law. It's just a matter of votes. They gotta get the votes.

Council member:It's like a dance with death with those scooters for the seniors.

Larry · Irma:Have you ever thought about maybe running for, uh, senator, or congresswoman? Uh, no? What about a congresswoman? I don't wanna move to D.C. Too cold.

Larry · Irma:Oh, but don't tell me it's with an 'E.' 'Erm'? With an... No, an 'I.' I have to go.

Irma · Larry:Gas here, you know? I get a bubble. Oh, you get a bubble? Yeah. Larry with a 'Y'? Yeah. Yeah, funny.

Larry:He took the worst aspects of ten different people and put 'em into her.

Jeff:So you gotta become the... the groom of Frankenstein to get rid of this fucking actress?

Larry · Jeff:How can Frankenstein have a kid? Dr. Frankenstein made love to fucking the bride of Frankenstein, and he had a fucking kid, I guess.

Jeff:How you make a woman like that and not tap it? How? How?

Larry · Leon:Really hate giving up that time slot. Can't a motherfucker live a life? Sometimes, no. Yeah. But that golf, that's white man problems. Yeah. We have golf. You have voting.

Stan · Asa:Pick a pair of fucking glasses. I'll tell you what. Put these in the maybes. That's it. They're the ones, all right? In the maybe pile.

Stan:That little Asa there, when he was a 17-year-old kid, was 'taken advantage of' by the beautiful 37-year-old Adrianna Amante, the Italian actress. Fuckin' smoke show! Stunning!

Larry:Were you as lucky at 17, to be taken advantage of by a supermodel? Yeah, right. I was traumatized because I didn't have any sex at all.

Larry:If a cactus touched your penis, you would've been thrilled at that age. Okay?

Asa:They would've named the high school after me.

Irma:He's gonna make 'em homed. Homed!

Larry · Voter:You can't say 'Happy New Year' after January 7th. I like that. Very smart. Last year I got a Happy New Year during Black History Month.

Larry · Voter:No child under ten allowed in restaurants. Oh, now that's awesome.

Irma:He respects wood.

Larry · Voter:He's eliminating hand shaking. He's my man!

Larry:What, you got the Cliff Notes, huh?

Cheryl · Larry:The Sound and the Fury. / Faulkner. / You two are reading Faulkner? / Yes, we are. What?

Larry:I wouldn't canvass with you because you turn people off, and I didn't... I didn't want you to turn people off.

Larry:Well, I hate people individually, but I love mankind.

Larry:Well, you know, maybe when I was married to you, you held me back from the person I really wanted to be.

Cheryl · Larry:You hate pins 'cause they make holes in your sweater. Well, it's a thin pin. Oh. A thin pin.

Larry · Cheryl:Oh, yeah, you have a great interest in turn-of-the-century Mississippi. I do!

Irma:You never pee when you canvass.

Stan's wife:Fucking rat poison! Has to be vegan, of course. You know how hard they are to find in the Valley?

Stan:He rejected these because he said they were too ''90s.' And he's looking for a '70s vibe.

Stan:Too vegan? What does too fucking vegan mean, Larry?

Stan:He wants the cups to be dolphin-friendly. What the fuck does that even mean, Larry?

Stan:I'm telling you now, man, I'll shove those fingers so far up his arse, they'll pop out of his mouth and he can use them as a hand puppet.

Stan:Look, they look like something from fucking Starsky and Hutch. Seventies written all over that, Lar.

Leon:This little motherfucker got a piece of ass, which is priceless. Then he got 400,000 dollars on top of that shit? And the movie paid him. He got paid three fucking times, and he still complains.

Larry · Leon:How old were you when you first got laid? Fourteen years old. Fourteen? So if you were in the Boy Scouts, you would've got your, uh, intercourse badge.

Leon:My first time tapping wasn't some gorgeous-ass actress. It was this lady that made donuts and shit, donut shop. You don't see me coming back years later, asking for 400,000 dollars in donuts.

Leon:I tapped the lady that made the holes, you understand?

Larry:That's Ruth Berman! She's not the widow. She's Berman's ex-wife. They've been divorced for ten years. She's as much a widow as I'm a widow.

Larry:You're not a widow, okay? You're the ex-wife of a dead man.

Larry:No such thing as a thin pin, okay? It doesn't exist.

Asa:I'm not here to make friends. I'm here to make art.

Random guy · Larry:Yeah, I'd... I'd like that. Yeah, I'd... Down there? Yeah. Fuck yeah. And what if she, uh, touched you down there? And what if she invited you back to her apartment to have sex with her, and then she gave you 400,000 dollars? Who wouldn't take that? Yeah. Who wouldn't take that? Sign me up.

Larry · Random guy:If a woman who looks like this was interested in you, what would you say? Yeah, I'd... I'd like that. And what if she, uh, touched you down there? Down there? Yeah. Fuck yeah.

Larry:We kinda cancel each other out. You know, this line? Why don't we get the hell outta here?

Larry:I stand by that statement. And yet for some reason... I'm inexplicably drawn to that which repels me.

News anchor:With 100 percent of the precincts reporting, the winner is Jay Reimenschneider. With all precincts in now, it appears as if Mayhew lost by one vote.

Irma:I know how we lost by one vote. Larry David thought the line was too long, so he didn't vote.

Larry:I made a deal with a Reimenschneider voter. The line was so long, so we both decided to leave, because we would cancel each other out, so it didn't make a difference.

Larry:It was that fucking widow, Ruth Berman!